First time lover for life,
What would things have been like,
If we had never said goodbye.
Where would we be now,
If you were still my dearest closest friend,
If all good things never came to an end.
I know that you moved on,
and respectfully so did I,
but I can't help to question
the grander purpose of our connection,
However brief it might have been.
You impacted me in ways,
I can hardly comprehend.
All those times you would stand for me,
When I felt weak,
Thanks to you I'm stronger than I ever thought I'd be.

All my dreams have given up on me,
But I won't, I'll never give up on them.
Karma doesn't seem to want me to succeed,
But I'll keep fighting till I finally break free.
I'll keep singing, you can't stop me from screaming,
I won't shut up till you let me speak my mind.
I'm not in control of my life and I want it back,
Stop judging my character by the things I lack.

I asked you to **** me quick,
You told me that you already tried,
And all your assassin's had failed.
And I'd have taken a gun to my head,
A long time ago accept that,
You made me promise to stick around.

I'm too young to be a burnout,
I'm too young to hurt this much.
They're teaching me how to learn,
I'm teaching myself to breathe,
While I'm pretending not to drown.

I've stopped sleeping and I've forgot how to dream,
It makes it hard to think for myself.
And I should've listened when they said,
Don't give your heart to the first pretty stranger,
Because they took it and ran and now,
I can't remember how to feel.

Day 1: I want to tear my skin off. My heart is beating so fast i can barley breathe. I feel so filthy.
Day 2: I can't believe this. I don't want to be here. Why did this happen? Why did I let this happen?
Day 5: I guess I drank too much and my friends were to drunk to stop me.
Day 10: I can't face my friends, I can't live my life.
Week 3: No one knows. He hasn't said a word.
Week 6: It happened again, I was sleeping and he did it again. Why did I stay the night? Why didn't I go straight home?
Week 7: He left and kissed me goodbye. I don't know how to feel.
Week 10: My life's out of control, I can't believe whats happening.
Month 5: My boyfriend knows. But not all details. Just thinking about it, makes me want to take a shower.
Month 8: I finally came clean to my friends. They're appalled. They hate him now. I still feel filthy. I can't get his smell off my body still.
Month 11: The anniversary is soon. What am I going to do?
Year 1: I haven't spoken to him in months. I haven't thought about it in days. I still feel as if hes on top of me, why can't I wash him away?

Its an uphill battle with myself and others. Some days I can't get out of bed or even feel like breathing.
But I try not to let him get to me. Because if he sees my weakness from what hes done,
He's won.

I lost you in the count down.
Became focused on the end.
You needed me to trust you,
But I put my trust in pain.

Wish I'd thrown my mind away,
It never had nice things to say.
All my fears and all of my doubts,
Magnify and empower my faults.

Let me sing till my wounds go numb,
I need to scream till his voice is gone.
With so many like me, I feel so alone.
So many like me, we all fear to get close.

In my weakness I find my strengths,
I find my ability to suffer with grace.
All of the burdens that held me down,
Became what I used to mend my crown.

It's ironic because I remember,
You promised to stick around.
But here I am, and I am alone.
All I wanted was a friendship,
That I thought would never end.
How could you tell me that we,
Would be okay when we never speak.
This knife in my back would hurt
less if you had sharpened it first.
And we were so close to glory,
When you had decided to leave.
I feel like a substitute for a feeling,
You couldn't produce on your own.
And now here I am, and I am alone.
I remember when you thought,
we could have a chance but,
I told you not to give us a second glance.
I hated it when you called me lovely,
But I'd give everything to hear,
you just say something now.
I regret taking the small things for granted,
When I'd give anything for just one moment.
Because it feels like the emptiness you left behind,
Weighs more than the world on my sholders.

I regretted it when I'd talk too much,
And you regretted it when you didn't say enough.
I still never managed to say it,
But somehow you found the breath to say goodbye.