Lemon

Lemon Apr 2019

Everyone feels it

The constant itch in your arms and legs that screams for just one more cut to be made

The distant buzzing that's always there but never clear enough for you to pinpoint where it comes from

The whispers that speak to you in the most normal of situations about how you're wrong and bad and only hurt those around you

The gaping emptiness that engulfs your heart and soul leaving you with nothing but a shattering corpse

The clawing in your throat that begs to feel just some kind emotion for once in your life

The way your stomach grumbles miserably for you to feed it but it can never keep anything down anyways

The dread that sits in the back of your mind when you realize you'll have to wear short sleeves

The sinking of your heart when someone jokes about harming or purging, about mentality or sexuality, or about taking ones own life

But everyone feels it

right?

Everyone feels sad. Everyone had troubles with their body. Everyone skips meals on purpose. Everybody does. So what makes my problems so important? Nothing. I feel like because everyone struggles I don't have the right to complain or get help.

#depression #anxiety #anorexia #suicide

Lemon Mar 2019

Theres a garden in my lungs

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Time goes by
And I miss you

Just like me
The flowers grew
But soon they wilted
Just like you

You were sweet
This I knew
Like an addiction
I loved you

Now the roses are dead
The violets are too
The garden's all gone
And so are you

Your flowers died
I did too
Because all along
I was you

I wrote this a while ago when I had a crush on someone and it was literally crushing me. This is pretty metaphorical, but it also has a bit of literal meaning. It's a mixture of my feelings towards the person I liked and how I felt towards myself at the time.

#love #hanahaki #flowers

Lemon Mar 2019

Real

In my lungs
Flowers grew
But after it all
I don't love you

Like a line
Cast to sea
Trying to catch
A memory

I don't know
What I feel
When the things i see
Aren't even real

I think I like someone... but it's bad

#love

Lemon Dec 2018

Bitterness

I can't get this taste out of my mouth,
the bitterness of regret and fear.

I'm so scared of the consequences.

what have I done? why?

I was so upset that I didn't even pay attention.

as I put a knife to my skin, i looked away and thought nothing of it.

But when my eyes met back with my leg, I realized how much deeper I cut than normal. how much blood as pouring out of my flesh.

and for some reason, after cleaning the blood, everything stood still.

No pain, no blood, but tears and anxiety and the feeling of overwhelming dizziness.

When I realized what was happening I was already rushing to the bathroom. my stomach trying to push out its last meal.

and in the end I just covered it up as I would any other small cut.

the bitterness still resides in the back of my throat and runs through my mouth.

and the tears threaten to spill as I sit behind my unknowing parents.

But I can't say anything

Hmm

#depression

Lemon Nov 2018

Accident

Holding a knife to my skin
I hoped for the relief
that I would normally receive

But I closed my eyes and
my hand moved faster,
harder than normal

When I looked at my skin
I realized that maybe
I should have kept my eyes open

I screamed through a screen
to anyone that could possibly help
but no one answered my cries

Panic rose up in my throat
and before I knew it
I was running through the halls

Sitting in front of toilet
my stomach was trying to
push up my last meal

But when nothing happened
I fell back
And let the tears fall

The first time I ever used an actual knife to cut. I ran my fingers along the blade a lOT before cutting and it seemed dull enough, but i guess it was a lot sharper than I thought it was. I didn't look at my leg when I cut and I regret it all so much. It wasn't neccisarially a bad cut but it was a lot deeper than normal and I was really scared.

#depression

Lemon Nov 2018

"Act like a lady"

"Act like a girl"

   "You're a girl"

   "You can't wear that, it's from the boys section"

   "Don't sit like that"

   "Why are you trying to be a boy"

   "You'll look like a boy if you cut your hair short"

   "Wear girl clothes"

   I can't help it
This feeling, this itching
screams at me all day

I'm so confused
about who I am
and who I want to be

Maybe it's just because
of the people around me,
messing with my head

I don't want to
"Act like a lady"

In fact
I don't want to be a lady
at all

But I don't
want to be
a boy either

I want to be
me

I want to wear dresses and basketball shorts

I want to wear skinny jeans and loose hoodies

But instead I have to
"Be more girly"
because
I was "born a girl"

I don't know if I'm a girl or boy or what. I don't know if I'm just confused or if I'm being stupid. I hate being a girl bit I don't want to be a boy. I just want to be me.

#nonbinary

Lemon Nov 2018

Waste of Time

You say I'm wasting my time
falling for these people
that live a galaxy away

You say I'm wasting my time
smiling for these people
that I can't even understand

You say I'm wasting my time
learning about these people
that don't even care about me

You say I'm wasting my time
waiting for these people
that won't ever know my name

You say I'm wasting my time
trying to find these people
that are hidden in a screen

And I know I'm wasting my time
falling for these people
that live a galaxy away

I know I'm wasting my time
smiling for these people
that I can't even understand

I know I'm wasting my time
learning about these people
that don't even care about me

I know I'm wasting my time
waiting for these people
that won't ever know my name

I know I'm wasting my time
trying to find these people
that are hidden in a screen

But by wasting my time
on these people
I find new happiness everyday

And I need all the happiness
that I can get

Around fifth grade I started getting more and more depressed and everyday was a struggle but then I found people that made me happy and though I'm still having troubles, they give me so much happiness that I don't care how much time I waste on them.

#lonely