I barely feel happy anymore.
I just don’t feel it.
I don’t know why,
but it’s been going on for a while.
Most of the time, I don’t feel sad,
but I just don’t get happy all the time.

I’m mostly sad, my happy moods are too easily disrupted,
and they come not often enough at all.
I feel like I’ve changed too much from who I used to be, I can’t tell
If it’s because of my friends, my family, all the stupid heartbreaks,
Stress, or whatever. I can’t tell anymore.

It’s just all a part of my life.
It’s super frustrating because I don’t know what to get rid of
To have my life be happier because I don’t know yet
What will break me? I don’t know.

People keep having these problems all around me
And they say I’m the happy one
And I have all the joy,
And if I only knew how they felt….no.

I do. I know how you feel when you have depression and anxiety
I was raised in a divorced family with not one,
But two verbally abusive dads.
One mom who’s always away from home,
Working an hour away from right here.
One dad who doesn’t care.
One who cares too much sometimes and none the next day.
No parents who support my hobbies and what makes me happy.
No parents who are proud of me for my grades.

Three friends who help me when I’m in trouble,                        
And listen when I’m sad.          
Three. TWO.

Two friends who are there when I need them.                                    
Two friends who I send monologues and paragraphs.            
Two people I trust.      
Two. ONE.

One person,                                                          ­                                    
I trust to not leave me,                                                              ­      
To not break me,                                                      
To support me,                                          
To not call me annoying,                
To tell me the truth,        
To tell me I’m doing great and I can do this.
One person who knows how my mind works.      
One person, I trust with my mind,                                  
My life,                            
My soul.                    
Three. Two. ONE.

They aren't here right now.                              
They're gone into the void where I can't see them.          
Not clearly.                                            
All I have are pictures,                                
Pictures of who my best friend is.                      
Pictures of who they were when I last saw them.        
Pictures of the friend I love more than I love myself.      
And the friend I miss most in the world.                  
But I wonder if they have any pictures of me.

I could get a 33 on my ACT
I could have a 4.032 GPA
I could be valedictorian of my 200 person class
But I'd probably still be dumb around you

Who are you, random person?
You're by my table in the morning.
By my friends and my reason.
Who are you?

You aren't supposed to be here.
I don't think you're new.
I've never seen you before today.
But you still seem to here, strewn.

Our first time talking was awkward.
Of course, it was, we just met.
We shook hands and just stood there.
You don't remember me, I'll bet.

But I saw you and something clicked.
You were almost familiar.

I looked at you and saw a shade of something.
Something that reminded me of me, I guess.

I'm never really used to being wrong.

But I knew something happened.
Even though it was nothing, it was.
It's weird how it feels like I know you.
But really I know nothing at all.

I feel like everything should rhyme by now,
I've been writing way too long for it not to.
But I still think my writing isn't perfect.
Because it isn't and neither am I.

I've never felt a feeling like I felt that day
It was weird, but I doubt it was love.
Maybe we are destined to be enemies
Or friends, I don't really know.

But something was there.
Even though it was nothing.
Maybe? No.