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CAM Dec 2017
Why do I use 20 questions to identify how well I know you? Is it...
Because I know I can barely answer twenty questions about myself?

Twenty. Simple, right? Never.
What's your favourite colour? Always first.

Where is your happy place? Usually second. Followed by...
Where do your roots plant you? And then we get personal... A bit.
What do you hate most about yourself? For you it was everything...
Why should I hate the same things you do?
I like everything about you...

Why do I write lists so I can remember? I may never know.
To remember what? Your voice, your look, you....
Why do I miss you so much?

Why am I still writing to you? You'll never read this.
Why am I missing you? It's been four months.

Why do I look at old pictures of you? Is it...
Because I miss you? Maybe it's something else...

Why did you become a big part of my soul? My other half?
Why are you still there? Because I miss you...

I can't stop thinking about why? I miss you...
What is keeping me here?
Oh yeah. You.
I play twenty questions to know people. To let people know me. It's weird.
CAM Oct 2019
I know it's not Halloween yet
But would you be my boo?
CAM Oct 2019
It's always funny
When something you thought you didn't need
Disappears for a while
And you realize how attached you really were.
CAM Feb 2020
What if we are
Like universes crossing

Eerily similar
But not the same
We're the same in almost too many ways
For it to be just a coincidence

We've met and re-met too many times
For it to not be fate

What if our timelines are linked
Just not in the way we want them to be

What if I never see you again?
I would much rather spend every day

Noticing your eyes
And smiling because they stay the same
CAM Dec 2017
I was fixing some of my poetry,
Just now.
I went to type something.
But autocorrect somehow works like fate.

I figured it would be something simple.
Like changing a few letters.
But I didn't get just that.
It auto corrected to your name.

And I miss you.
So much I can feel the empty cavity
Where my heart isn't simply because...
It belongs to you.

I keep feeling this pain.
And sometimes I wonder why.
Why you aren't here,
Why I can't see you.

I wish we could facetime,
Or text or relay
Messages through friends
So I could talk to you again.

But I have seven and a half months
Yes. I've been counting.
In my head and out loud.
On the days I need grounding.

And I miss you
I miss you
I miss you
I miss you

I miss you every day
All the time
And I don't know why I can't seem to stop.

Stupid autocorrect.
I don't know why it did that, but his name popped up and inspiration struck. Maybe I've just typed his name to often...
CAM Nov 2018
The girl sat on her floor with tears,
Water that flooded her vision,
And made her reality blur.

The colors swirled around her,
But she knew she still sat on the bedroom floor.

The tears made the clothes take his form,
Made the carpet flatten under him,
Made the paint on the walls show his fingerprints.

The blankets on the bed had him under them again
The books on the shelves were in his hands
The stories inside them were written in his voice

He leaned against the wall in her tears.
He sat on the floor playing board games with her,
And the legos strewn around built things from his mind.

Instead the stuffed dinosaur on his pillow cries in his absence,
Pillows on the floor couldn't make forts on their own.
The alarm clock didn't have reason to make a sound anymore.

In the water,
He sat across from her.
As her tears dried,
She just wanted her best friend back.
CAM Nov 2017
I barely feel happy anymore.
I just don’t feel it.
I don’t know why,
but it’s been going on for a while.
Most of the time, I don’t feel sad,
but I just don’t get happy all the time.

I’m mostly sad, my happy moods are too easily disrupted,
and they come not often enough at all.
I feel like I’ve changed too much from who I used to be, I can’t tell
If it’s because of my friends, my family, all the stupid heartbreaks,
Stress, or whatever. I can’t tell anymore.

It’s just all a part of my life.
It’s super frustrating because I don’t know what to get rid of
To have my life be happier because I don’t know yet
What will break me? I don’t know.

People keep having these problems all around me
And they say I’m the happy one
And I have all the joy,
And if I only knew how they felt….no.

I do. I know how you feel when you have depression and anxiety
I was raised in a divorced family with not one,
But two verbally abusive dads.
One mom who’s always away from home,
Working an hour away from right here.
One dad who doesn’t care.
One who cares too much sometimes and none the next day.
No parents who support my hobbies and what makes me happy.
No parents who are proud of me for my grades.

Three friends who help me when I’m in trouble,                        
And listen when I’m sad.          
Three. TWO.

Two friends who are there when I need them.                                    
Two friends who I send monologues and paragraphs.            
Two people I trust.      
Two. ONE.

One person,                                                          ­                                    
I trust to not leave me,                                                              ­      
To not break me,                                                      
To support me,                                          
To not call me annoying,                
To tell me the truth,        
To tell me I’m doing great and I can do this.
One person who knows how my mind works.      
One person, I trust with my mind,                                  
My life,                            
My soul.                    
Three. Two. ONE.

They aren't here right now.                              
They're gone into the void where I can't see them.          
Not clearly.                                            
All I have are pictures,                                
Pictures of who my best friend is.                      
Pictures of who they were when I last saw them.        
Pictures of the friend I love more than I love myself.      
And the friend I miss most in the world.                  
But I wonder if they have any pictures of me.
CAM Apr 2018
Maybe I wish I wasn't wrong so often.
Especially when I feel a lot like I'm right.

When I'm with my friends,
It's easy to tell what they do,
And why.

With people I'm getting to know,
I notice things most people don't,
Although sometimes I presume people do.

It's weird that I can do all that,
But I can't even tell if you like me or not.

And now I feel stupid,
Because you don't quite feel the same.

Be happy,
My friends say.
It's not like he hates you.

And I know that.
We're friends,
And I know you.

But that doesn't mean
I enjoy being wrong.

And maybe it's hard to admit it sometimes,
When you're wrong it just doesn't feel right.
But sometimes you are,
And you have to admit it.

Even if you hate being wrong.
CAM Feb 2020
Is your favorite color always going to be blue?
Blue, like my eyes?
Or blue like the way I made you feel when I told you you were wrong?

Blue like the ocean around you I didn’t save you from?
Or blue from the little pencil you always used to carry around?
Blue like the notebook you couldn’t bring yourself to write in anymore?
Or blue like the sky is right after it rains?

Blue like the rain on a day where you can’t bring yourself to smile?
Or blue like the bottomless of the pool where you first thought of me seeing you in a swimsuit?

Is it blue like you always wanted the walls of your room to be?
Blue like your favorite book cover, the one without a hole in the front?
Blue like your favorite pair of jeans, the ones you wore so much the insides of the legs started to rip?

My favorite color of blue was the sky after you were gone.
The blue that was lit up by the sun.
The blue that made me remember who I was.
And that I didn’t need you anymore.
CAM Feb 2019
Every time I try,
I get this feeling in my stomach.
Some say they're butterflies.

But if you would call them butterflies,
They must be malicious ones,
Swarming and making me feel sick.

They're trying to **** me,
Sometimes I think.
Maybe it's for the best.

Maybe the butterflies are right,
And I should stop trying
But I hope they aren't.

The sweetest butterflies,
The ones that flutter and glitter,
They come when I'm around you.
CAM Oct 2019
I could get a 33 on my ACT
I could have a 4.032 GPA
I could be valedictorian of my 200 person class
But I'd probably still be dumb around you
Idk how to describe this but like I  <3  you
CAM Jan 2018
I think I miss you.
I think just maybe I miss your voice.
I think I miss your laugh
I think I miss your eyes.

Then I do something fun,
And I realize
I need something more
Than just memories

More than just glimpses
More than just a dream.
I need to see you more often.
Or talk to you at least.

I need to tell you.
I need to talk to you about it.
I need to know if this is what you want.

But I know,
Once I do.
Things will change.
In little bits.
For worse or for better.
But I don't like change.

With change comes fear,
But I trust you.
Not to scare me,
Not more than you need to.
CAM Aug 2018
It seems like every story I read
Has a character named just like you.
They've different personalities than people I've met,
But they all have the same name too.

I read about these character and they're great,
Don't get me wrong.
But they just remind me of your face
And the way that we get along.

I couldn't put you into a character if I tried.
I would swear up and down it'd be wrong.
There's too much character in you to  buy.
I'm not going to try so move along.

There's too much personality to fit in a few sentences.
I couldn't even fit you in a book.
There's no way to explain your endlessness.
I wouldn't even try, but look.

Writers make great characters all the time.
Some based loosely off the people around them.
I've added you into plenty of mine.
But there's no way I could fit you all into one of them.

I'm not good enough at writing to capture the way you light up,
When you play that stupid card game you love.
Or the way your eyes shine in the sun.
Or the social awkwardness wrapping you in a tight hug.

Or the way you talk about drawing and art,
The way you walk with your friends.
The way you love sports and how you've turned out,
Playing them since you were like ten.

There's too much of you to fit in this poem,
Or any book I could write.
You can tell me to try,
But try as I might.

I can't write you character flaws.
Everyone has flaws, deep ones that make them who they are. You don't reveal yours to anyone, and especially not me.
CAM Dec 2019
Yawns are contagious,
And so are colds.

And apparently,
So are smiles.
CAM Nov 2017
If you ever read this,
I miss you.
Every day.
All the time.
With no end in sight.
I miss you almost more than I can say,
almost more than I'll admit.
You're my best friend,
my soul,
my heart.
You're the reason I'm going strong.
You're who I think of,
with nothing to do,
and also who I think of,
in my day through and through.
I miss you more than the sun misses the moon,
only seeing you once in fleets of stars.

Dear Nobody,
I still wish you were here.
You're the reason I'm now living.
You're the voice in my head saying no.
That idea's stupid.
Do it.
You're my deep down best friend.
You know me better than anyone.
You're the person these paragraphs are for.
All the time.
All the poems I write.
You're somewhere in my mind.
Still inspiring me.
To push the limits and
Push yourself.
And your own limits.
As well as the world.

This is almost poetic, I suppose.
Maybe I should stop that......or not.
One of you may be my somebody-nobody.
My person.
I guess you both are.
Opposites but the same
In my heart.
The ones who just...CLICK.

Maybe we'll never be romantic,
and I think that's fine.
But that doesn't mean I won't miss you.
Until we meet again,
long lost friends.
I'll be here.
Idk why I wrote this, but Somebody/nobody did not come from my mind, it's from a book, I just have a bit of a twist.
CAM Jun 2020
Dear soulmate,

There's a lot of stuff happening right now.
Lots of things are going wrong,
Falling apart,
Or just becoming visible to people who didn't believe in them before.
And even now,
As things we didn't think could happen are happening,
As things are changing in the world,
People will still tell me soulmates don't exist.
And as is the usual,
I won't believe them.
They've been wrong before, right?

I know you're out there.
And I know that I love you.
I don't know what color your eyes are,
But I know I'll love staring into them for as long as I can.
I don't know what kind of music you like yet,
Or what kind of movies you like,
Or if you like to read like I do.
I don't know if you like to travel
Or if you're stuck in your hometown because you just don't want to leave.
I don't know if you're struggling right now or not.
I don't know how old you are
Or what color you are
Or even what gender you are really
But I KNOW that you are out there.
And I know I'll find you one day.

But until then,
Don't be dumb.
Stay safe and stay kind.
We could have a competition to see who finds the other first.
But even if we don't,
I just can't wait to meet you.
Until then,
I love you.
Keep being you.

With Love,
       Your soulmate
Stuff is rough right now. If you're struggling with anything going on, please reach out to someone you love. You don't have to save everyone. Sometimes saving just one person is progress. Even if that person is yourself.
CAM Oct 2019
Some people's eyes remind you
Of dark chocolate mixed with caramel.

Some remind you of the way the color of trees
Blend together in the breeze.

Some remind you of a summer day
When the sky is blue.

But some remind you of clouds before a storm
Or the color of titanium when it's cold.

Some make you think of grass
When it's freshly sprouted in someone else's yard.

Some people's eyes just remind you
That they're full of crap
I don't actually know why this is so accurate.
CAM Oct 2017
I never liked poetry before
But I find myself reading it more.
Poetry reminds me of me
Being whoever I’ll be.
The laughter, tears and fire
Shoot my need for poetry higher.

I never thought I’d be addicted,
To the rhythm and the rhyme,
Of something more depicted
Than the thrumming time.
Always lost in the music,
Never really thinking about the time.

I’m no watercolor painting,
I don’t fall for my crush fainting.
I can’t write about any of that.
But I can say at last
I have something to say
It’s here I’ll decide to stay.
CAM Feb 2018
It's been a while.
Since I wrote a poem.
But not since I wrote about you.

I write about you all the time.
Every once in a while,
I forget why.

Then I remember why.
I remember you,
Or I see a picture.

I see your blond hair.
Your blue eyes.
You're the reason I have a type.

I think of your adventure,
And your shyness,
And your varying range of emotion.

I think of all these
Random memories,
Floating around in my head.

Like ping pong.
And capture the flag.
Like long flaring lights and computer bags.

Like fire escapes,
And hiding under tables,
Like missing you in winter with eyelashes like a fable.

Like long walks in the dark,
And hidden dark handkerchiefs with white polka dots.
Like plaid checkered jackets, even when it's hot.

Like cargo shorts and a white fedora.
Gathering under the arch like it's an agora.
Hiding that handkerchief between the flora.

God, I miss you more and more.
Months til I see you,
I'm down to only a few before.

I almost can't wait,
It makes me feel sad.
The fact that I'd leave,
Just like that.

Just so I could see you again.

It's Valentine's Day
And I'm here without you.
And I wish more than anything,
For that to not be true.
Argh. Oh. Now I'm a pirate.
So update: I recommended this site to the person this is about and now I'm terrified of him reading it.
CAM Mar 2020
Why didn't anyone tell me
That being "mature for my age"

Was actually just depression
Speeding up my mind's age.
CAM Oct 2017
She's really cute.
You talk about her the way I talk about you.
And you know it.
Can you tell that I've guessed?

I haven't decided to ask you much about her yet.
I think I know what you might answer.
Your face lights up when you talk to her.
Which happens all the time, I fear.

I still have yet to decide.
Would I rather see you happy?
Or see you be mine?
And then I remember you're still my friend first.

Yesterday to my friend, I said
You really just liked me as a friend.
I couldn't be more glad
Did you expect me to be overly sad?

You're an amazing person,
So sweet and kind
I really suppose I'm learning
You're the kind of person I need to find.

So I suppose I'm in the friend zone.
But it's not the worst way to go.
At least we're still friends.
And I hope that doesn't end.

In the end my respect for you,
Wins above it all
You're my friend and I appreciate you,
Through everything all and all.
Ah, this felt really good to write.
CAM Jan 2018
One year ago this month.
I fell off a cliff.
For the first time falling,
I thought I was flying.

In February I hit the ground.
My emotions splattered all around.
I felt weak and worthless.
I’d never felt more alone.

In March, I moved on.
I got up, and I pushed myself.
Away from him, away from the past,
And away from myself.

April brought rain.
I always remember rain.
Getting washed away.
In that April rain.

May brought beauty.
And with beauty came my camera.
I still have pictures of that first day,
In the sunshine of May.

June was too much like a puzzle.
No school, floating with nothing to do,
But pick up the pieces,
And start over.

July brought me back.
I finally found myself in those corridors,
Pushing myself through fears upon fears.
I stopped hiding in July.

August brought hope.
For a new day, a new me.
With support from my friends,
I pushed and tried to win.

September brought a new age.
It shouldn’t have changed me but it did.
I’m still the youngest of all of us.
Why shouldn’t I feel like a kid?

October brought me only sadness,
Missing my friends from July.
All their birthdays were there in the autumn madness.
Why’d I have to say goodbye?

November was a month of silence.
A break from the stress of my life.
But even though it was silent,
I wouldn’t have ever gone back for more.

December has brought a new beginning.
Confidence, and strength through myself.
I’m now saying goodbye and I’m happy,
That 2017 is now gone.
CAM Sep 2018
Wouldn't **** as much
If I was going with you.

Dress days wouldn't be as tiring,
If you did them too.
Lunch games wouldn't leave me frying
If I had you to talk to.

Float building would be better,
If you were in my grade.
The parade would be cooler
If I knew I wasn't going to fade

Into someone else's background
Where you can't see me.
I'm standing in your background.
Waiting for you to turn around.

But you might never.
You might never.

What will I do with forever
If it's spent with someone else?

I'll be fine.
But if you're gone,
From my life,
My thoughts will be in strife.

So because you aren't my homecoming date,
I'll sit back and relax
With you by my side.
And we can just wait.
CAM Feb 2020
I've always separated sections of my life
By who I loved most.

First, it was my dad.
He was my hero.

Then my mom.
She was my everything

Then, my brother.
My best friend since his birth.

Then, it was a boy I met at school.
He made me feel smart.

And after that, a boy I met at camp.
He made me feel content.

Following that, it was another boy from school.
The first one to make me feel pretty.

Then another boy in my class.
He made me feel alive.

Then, it was my grandparents.
They gave me everything I ever needed.

Then, it was some boy who made me laugh
And another who included me.

And then another who I thought would be my friend forever
But he left me behind as soon as we were apart.

For a long time after that, it was my best friend.
She makes me feel loved.

And then suddenly,
Like a flash of lightning.
The person I loved most
Was me.

I became everything I wanted to be.
Everything I needed.

But after a while, the person I loved most became him.
The boy I loved all my life.
The one who was my hero
And my everything
My best friend.
With him,
I'm smart.
I'm happy.
I'm pretty.
I'm lively.
I have everything I need.
I'm included.
I am loved.

But most of all,
I am myself.

Just maybe,
The timing is finally right.
For me to be who I want to be.

Maybe all it took was for me to love myself first.
I debated whether to make this loving or self-confident, so I went with both.
CAM Sep 2020
I don't know

I don't know

I don't know

I don't get it

I don't understand

I cannot comprehend this

I feel stupid and awful but my brain cannot understand

Why is this so hard

Why do I feel this way

Why does it hurt so much

Why did I do that

Why didn't I just do something else

Why can't I just fix this

Why is this so hard

I don't know

I don't know

I don't know
CAM May 2018
It's kind of weird to think.
About how people change.
But it's not generally because of themselves.
Unless they mean it to be.

People around you.
Input pieces of their souls
Into everyone around you.
Every day.

Isn't it weird to think about?
Maybe you saw his fingers tapping,
Or her biting her lip,
Or them saying something that made you laugh.

And then a few weeks later,
You find yourself doing the same thing.

People input pieces of their souls
Into everything they do.
In an English essay, you can hear their voice,
In the way they write.
If you listen hard enough.

If you read the things I write.
You can tell little things about me.
Like the fact that I see the good in people,
And the fact that I'm young and in school.

Or the fact that the characters I write about
They exist everywhere in my mind.
My friends are often in my words,
Speaking through everything I say.

My words shape who I've become,
And the things I do become less fun,
Until you realize your soul is spreading too,
When you see someone reading a poem.

When you see someone covering their face with their hair,
Or reading the book you just read.
When you see someone who's singing classic rock,
Looking at you once again.

If you see someone copying your stride,
Or the way you hold your bags.
Or the way you mess with your fingers as you're nervous.
Just know it's not you who's inside.

We're all different people,
Sharing our souls,
Not knowing exactly where they're going,
Not at all.

Yet it's not hard to tell who someone is.
From the pieces of soul you find.
CAM Dec 2019
I've tried a million times not to think of anything
Not when I write.
I've tried blocking things out,
Listening to music,
Talking to people,
Singing a few notes,
Writing out a song,
Working on homework,
But nothing gives me inspiration more than you.

I get inspiration at random times and I write it out.
Once I wrote a full poem, a deep one, but I reloaded the page and couldn't remember what it'd said
When I woke up the next morning realizing I'd had no wi-fi.
I write for myself,
That's what I say,
But I write for other people,
Things I wish I could say,
Things I'm too scared to say.

I'm not even counting stanzas anymore,
Just writing without a care.

I could write about how my birthday's in two days,
How my parents are tearing me apart,
How school is breaking me down,
How my best friend likes a guy who liked me,
How my friends are going through a ****** assault crisis
That happened a year ago,

But I write for you instead,
Wishing I told you I liked you,
Wishing I could ask you to homecoming
Wishing I could ask you to hang out,
Wishing I could be less awkward,
Wishing we hadn't been called out,
Hoping we won't by another,
Wishing I could look at you without her telling me not to,
Wishing you didn't have a girlfriend.

I like you a lot and I don't know what to do
Because someone else likes you too,
So we're going to stay friends,
For as long as it takes.
For you to like me back,
Or me to get over you.
I cannot believe I did this last year the last stanza hits hard
CAM Oct 2018
I'm always filled with rage toward people telling me to change.

Maybe it's because as much as I hate myself,

I wouldn't rather be anyone else.
CAM Jan 2018
All I feel right now are butterflies.
Fluttering around in my stomach.
I really wish away they'd fly.
But thinking about it is roughish.

All I'd have to do is talk to you about it.
And they'd be gone, super quick.

Some days you make me feel crazy about you.
And some days you make me feel small.
People tell me to say something, my whole crew
But I feel like I'll crash into a wall.

Maybe you're called a crush because you can crush my soul.
With one word, one breath, one look.
You're in front of me now, and you look so whole.
But you've never really been an open book.

You seem so strange now that you're awkward.
Except maybe that's just my view.
Maybe my heart's going a bit too far.
Leading me even more to you.

But I can't go to you,
You won't accept it.
My heart is in pieces, very few.
But still enough to make it hurt.
CAM Dec 2019
I LIKE talking to you every day.

I LIKE making eye contact with you like we’re sharing an inside joke

I LIKE hearing you laugh and seeing you smile

I LIKE boosting your confidence

I LIKE that you boost mine the same way

I LIKE that you look me in the eyes when we talk

I LIKE talking to you about things that are happening in my life

I LIKE that you’re my best friend

I LIKE you

I just want to ask you out already

But I don’t know how to
Well this is a thing that exists
CAM Mar 2018
I missed it.
This feeling of happiness.
This feeling of strength
And that little burst of joy.
Each time you pop into my head.

But I didn't miss people.
"He's not good enough for you."
"He's into bad stuff"
"I thought you were a rule follower."

I don't miss that, not at all.
I don't miss being criticised,
Every time I try to be happy.
Every time I think of your face.

I miss thinking about the way we first met.
Letting that memory and others flood my mind.
Every single time I'm bored.
Your hair, voice and manner are all adorable.

And I miss thinking someone is adorable.
I miss thinking of someone when I get good news.
I miss talking to someone and letting it get better every day.
I miss talking to someone and almost not going to bed on time.

I missed talking to someone,
To take my mind off the day.
Or even just to make a good day better.
My day is tiring, and you tell me to sleep.

And that's what I miss the most.
Having someone who cares.

But of course,
"You're going to get hurt."
Is the only thing I hear.
CAM Jan 2018
I lied when I said I could trust you again.
I lied when I said I could easily fend.
I lied when I said I was telling the truth.
I lied when I told you this was proof.

I lied when I told you he looked fine.
I lied when I told you it left with the time.
I lied when I said it was no big deal.
I lied when I told you I could give you time to heal.

I lied when I told you I was fine.
I lied when I told you I’ve never lied.
I lied when I said he wasn’t my best friend.
I lied when I told you how much time I don’t spend.
Talking to him.

I lied when I told you I was doing okay.
I lied when I didn’t lie straight to your face.
I lied when I didn’t tell you how I felt.
I lied when I was uncomfortable and didn’t tell.

I lied when I kept a straight face.
I lied when I ran past you, upping my pace.
I’d be lying if I said I don’t want to tell you.
But I’d still be lying if I wasn’t being true.

I’d be lying if I said I don’t think about you every day.
I’d be lying if I said I was okay.
With you not being here,
Not knowing why I fear.

I’m lying when I say I’m fine without you.
I’m lying when I say I’m over what I didn’t do yet.
I’m lying when I tell people I didn’t ask for advice about you.
I’m lying when I say it’s about someone else.

I’m lying when I say I don’t want to be with you.
I’m lying when I say I know you like me too.
I’m lying when I know I can’t escape.
This lying is covering me like a cape.

I’m not a liar all the time.
But I can’t stop lying,
When I tell you I’m fine.

Just to see the smile on your face.
It makes me feel better.
I’m almost okay when I see that smile.
It almost makes it all go away.

If I saw it more than once a year,
Maybe I wouldn’t have to lie about being okay.

But don't you tell me you're okay too,
Because we both know it isn't true.
I'm really tired of lying.
CAM Jan 2019
I’m so sorry.
I’m so sorry for the way I treated you.
For the way I didn’t carry through
For the way I didn’t talk to you.

I’m so sorry for the things I talked about.
For the people I brought round
And for the people I thought would count.
For the insults in large amounts.

I’m so sorry for the way I spoke
The way I ditched you,
It seems like a common problem.
But I’m trying to fix it, I promise.

I’m sorry for making you think something,
When it wasn’t entirely true.
You deserved so much better.
And still, right now, you do.

I’m sorry for not telling you.
I couldn’t handle the pain.
I couldn’t handle the stress
But now I want you to know.

It was always me.
It wasn’t ever you.
CAM Feb 2019
Yelling won't help me
Unless you think I'm right,
I'll be yelling into unlistening space,
And you won't hear a word.

You’ll never know how much those words hurt
Because every time I say they do,
You push them back in my face,
Saying my independence will hurt you.

You steal my self-sufficiency,
And tell me I need your help.
I need you to meddle in a situation,
A situation I just fixed from you.

You tell me I don’t need to work so hard.
But hard work is how you get good things.
And I want this.
More than before.


I want to make my own decisions,
And not feel bad for making them.

I want my independence back.
And I will do what it takes.
CAM Nov 2019
It's funny how often your brain will let you be dumb
It's funny how long you've been in my head
It's kinda funny how often I think of you
It's funny that you wouldn't say yes

Oh, and don't worry
When I say it's funny
I really mean it isn't
So don't go thinking this isn't serious

I like you
I like you
I like you
I like you

My brain isn't letting me forget it
One look at your smile and I'm done for
One look in your eyes and it's over
Please don't make my brain regret it.
CAM Jan 2020
You are amazing
At asking if people are okay
People never seem to ask if you’re okay
Are you okay?

I promise you that I really care,
And I promise I'll listen to you.
Talk about anything in the world,
And I'll still be interested because of you.

You are sweet,
And kind.
You have a soft soul
And a sharp mind.

You are amazing at being secretly powerful
You are soft and sweet on the outside
But under it all
You have abs of steel and the wits of a wizard.

You have an all-time minimum
When it comes to self-confidence
Maybe if you saw what I see
That wouldn’t be true.

You are gorgeous,
In every way I can see.
Your smile lights up every room,
When you take your time to show it.

Every single thing you say
Every single thing you do
Makes me in every kind of way
More and more into you.

I never thought that it was you
Except inside I always knew
You were always there
But you were always new

Always changing,
Never the same.
Nothing good
Will ever stay the same.

You are flawed
I know that much for sure
But it doesn’t really matter
Because your flaws make you yourself.

You are not perfect
In the traditional way
But you have always been perfect
To me.
This is for the dude I like. I never really know how to describe him accurately, but I think I did it pretty well here. If you can see this, hello. Please say hi back.
CAM Nov 2018
If you keep telling me to be quieter,
  Maybe I’ll stop talking.

     If you keep telling me you can’t hear me,
     Maybe I’ll finally yell.

        If you keep telling me I’m being dramatic,
        Maybe I’ll stop telling you things.

           If you keep telling me I’m fine,
           Maybe I’ll show you I’m not.

              If you keep telling me I’m confused,
              Maybe I’ll figure it out.

                 If you keep telling me I’m stupid,
                 Maybe I’ll be smart enough to leave.

                 Maybe I’ll be smart,
                 If you stop telling me I’m stupid.

               Maybe I’ll figure things out,
               If you stop telling me I’m confused.

            Maybe I’ll be fine,
            If you stop telling me I am when I’m not.

          Maybe I’ll tell you things,
          If you stop telling me I’m dramatic.

        Maybe I’ll stop yelling,
        If you stop telling me you can’t hear me.

      Maybe I’ll keep talking,
      If you stop telling me to be quiet.
CAM Nov 2019
I fell for you like a child
But I really didn't mind
Because no matter how much
I changed
And no matter how much
You changed
We were always just
You and me
CAM Nov 2017
I really want to thank you.
Whether I'm being sarcastic or not,
You'll never know.

I feel like every time I write something,
It's for someone to read.
Spooky government guys,
Or girls who really like fries.

But sometimes it feels like I don't want to.
I don't want you to read about
Who or what affects me.

Sometimes I worry because my friends can read these things.
My friends, they enjoy poetry too.
My English teacher's on here.
She says she approves.

It's weird, isn't it?
How small the world is.
Yet I never see who I really want to.

I see uncles and aunts
And really long lost cousins.
I see my grandma's friends everywhere.
At weddings and all affairs.

But the only way I can see
Who I really want to.
Is through writing and pictures,
And trust me,
I do.

But it feels like it can't be real,
not yet.
I have eight months to go,
And I fret and I fret.

I can't wait to see those
Amazing blue eyes.
The upturn of blond hair,
And your shirts like the skies.

Your sense of adventure keeps me going.
It's weird,
I know,
how these words keep flowing.
You'll never read them.
But if you do,
I suppose.

I miss you.
With your laugh,
So infrequent,
And your entrances.
Through fire escapes?
     That's perfectly normal to me.
From under a table?
      That's pretty normal to see.
To scare me on a staircase?
      Of course, why not?
Hanging off a balcony?
    Fine, but keep your thoughts.

But the one entrance you have yet to make.
Is the one I want you to most.
The one that leads you back into my world.
The one that makes the legend unfurl.

I have documents upon documents
I'd love you to read.
But you never really will,
It's not hard to believe.

Poems and lists,
Monologues galore.
But wait and look,
Here's one more.
And you ask,
What is it truly for?

A thank you,
Dear friend
For being who you are.
And simply to ask you to look up at the stars.

For I can see the moon,
And so can you.
And I just wish,
I could see you too.
Don't mind this. Just an outflowing of thought.
CAM Oct 2019
I know I’ve lost too much.
But I’ve gained even more than I had.
I don’t miss the person I was.
I really like the person I am.

I’m confident and strong.
I don’t need your opinion.
I love myself more each day
And I can’t say I don’t like living this way.

This week was not my week.
I’ve cried almost four times today.
I wish I could say I was fine.
But I’m really not just okay.

I need to find something concrete.
Not someone to sweep me off my feet.
I need something to help me stay steady.
And maybe a boy when I’m ready.

But not today,
Not right now.
I don’t need your love
I have my own power.

I’m focused on me,
Not your hair or face.
I have things to do.
Just get out of my way.
CAM Apr 2019
Love is waking up and having the first person you think of being them.
Love is the person whose happiness you wish for at 11:11.
Love is the way you look at them and smile
Love is being more comfortable with someone than without them.

But sometimes love is none of those things.

Most times it isn’t love at first sight, it takes time.
Sometimes it’s someone you don’t want to fall in love with.
Sometimes it is.
Sometimes it’s the person you least expect it to be.
Sometimes it surprises you.

Love isn’t out of the blue,
And it usually doesn’t happen right away.
It could be an instant connection, but trust takes time to build.
Love takes effort.
You have to give all you have into it.

Sometimes you won’t get anything back.
CAM Nov 2017
Who are you, random person?
You're by my table in the morning.
By my friends and my reason.
Who are you?

You aren't supposed to be here.
I don't think you're new.
I've never seen you before today.
But you still seem to here, strewn.

Our first time talking was awkward.
Of course, it was, we just met.
We shook hands and just stood there.
You don't remember me, I'll bet.

But I saw you and something clicked.
You were almost familiar.

I looked at you and saw a shade of something.
Something that reminded me of me, I guess.

I'm never really used to being wrong.

But I knew something happened.
Even though it was nothing, it was.
It's weird how it feels like I know you.
But really I know nothing at all.

I feel like everything should rhyme by now,
I've been writing way too long for it not to.
But I still think my writing isn't perfect.
Because it isn't and neither am I.

I've never felt a feeling like I felt that day
It was weird, but I doubt it was love.
Maybe we are destined to be enemies
Or friends, I don't really know.

But something was there.
Even though it was nothing.
Maybe? No.
Idk but is happened and something made me want to write about it.
CAM Jan 2019
I like you a lot and I don't know what to do
Because someone else, yes, I know they like you too,
So we're going to stay friends,
For as long as it takes.
For you to like me back,
Or me to notice my mistakes.
CAM Mar 2018
What's going on inside me?

I feel something in my gut like
Something that's wrong?

Then again, almost everything
Has been making today worse
I don't know what it is about today.
But nothing is going right.

My friends all seem to hate me
My crush hasn't said a word.
My family feels like it's falling apart,
This couldn't get much worse, I'm sure.

Except for the fact that it's snowing outside.
What if someone gets hurt?
It looks like a blizzard,
But it's March.

I have practice tonight, until nine o'clock.
I have a tournament right after school.
Today makes me feel like I need to leave.
My head is saying to go.

But wow. It's weird.
To be cast out and lonely
For one day. For people to ignore
Your feelings and then ask them the next day

It's weird talking to your crush
Having that confidence,
Starting a conversation you
Didn't think you could

It's weird how your bad days
Only make you better.
It's weird how the things that could **** you
Can make you stronger instead

The things you told yourself
You couldn't lose
Are the things you're willing to fight for
The things that push you to the limit.
CAM Jan 2020
It's crazy.
One second goes by.
And suddenly you're in a new second
A new minute,
A new hour,
A new day,
A new year,
And a new decade.

All at the same time.
CAM Oct 2017
When reading this title,
Did you think it was a close call?
A thought of suicide by rifle?
A day when I learned to fall?

This title explains my thoughts
Right now, at this moment.
I barely found myself, caught.
I'm less important than a floret.

You can't explain how you feel
When you fail at something
Which you thought you could do
When you think about it, it's not funny.

It's hard to try to tell you.
When I'm not sure exactly how I feel.
You're turning into part of my crew,
We're talking all the time during meals.

But still, it's hard to try.
But I won't soon be saying goodbye.
You're my friend, I love you too much.
But failing at this, it's rough.

I thought I could do it, I did.
I thought I was where happiness is.
I knew I'd be happy either way.
And this is hard to say.

But I'm tired of not being good enough.
And I love being just a friend.
Just being around you is a lot of fun.
More than any music I've ever made.

I'm really tired of being called crazy.
Of being strange because you don't like me back.
I'm fine with it, but they make it seem hazy.
And it feels like a hazardous attack.

I'm happy, just being near you,
But I can't deny it's weird.
You don't hate me and I like you.
I thought you would sneer.

This isn't what I'm used to,
But in hindsight, I like this more.
They say I should be more rude,
But I don't know what for.
CAM Apr 2018
You say no offense as if I'm not supposed to be offended.

Guess what.
I am.
But I won't say that to you.
I haven't posted in a while because it's summer, but if you're reading this, hi.
CAM Sep 2018
Since my freshman year of high school,
I've said the phrase,
"There are so many people in this room."
Way too many times.

This little phrase exposes my fears,
Of embarrassment,
Or physical closeness to other people,
Or some secret poison slipped through fingertips.

I have no idea why fear builds in my chest
During all the situations.
Why am I scared of my peers?
My family?

I'm not sure I am.
I'm not sure why it's there.
I'm not sure if it's an actual problem
Or if this tightening happens to everyone.

I can't get it checked because it's normal
And I'm not anxious enough to have anxiety,
Not broken enough to have depression,
Not scared enough of people to have social anxiety.

I'm not at other people's levels,
So I'm not above average.
This is average teenage stress.
It's average to not be able to breathe after a tough confrontation.

Or during one.
It's average to not stop shaking your hands.
It's average to have people tell you to stop moving consistently.
Everyone does that, right?

It's normal to feel fear of someone who isn't remotely scary,
To feel like I'm inside a squeezing bubble of air,
When I can't do something I should do with ease.
When I can't do something normal for me.

To feel this moving in my stomach when I talk about this,
To feel like I can't keep talking,
To feel annoying and weird and strange,
For every single thing in this writing.

It's normal to feel all of those things,
CAM Jul 2018
I just really want to apologize.
But I know you've told me before
The more you apologize,
The less it means when you need it to be known.

But I'm kind of sorry anyway
I'm annoying, a lot, all the time
And there's really a reason,
I promise.

All I've ever wanted was to know you.
To know who you are to the world
To the people around you and
Inside yourself too.

I'm sorry that I've been annoying recently.
It's a side affect of the person I am to you.
And I guess I could tell you adjacently,
I'm not sorry for the way I talk to you.

I like you a lot, that's true.
But that's not why I talk the way I do.
I love your personality more than anything
And I just want to know your everything.

So I AM sorry,
For being annoying as I am.
I want to be your friend because I care,
And I want you to have the support you deserve.

So I wait as long as it takes.
For you to respond or make a joke,
and go along with what I say.
And I guess I just miss you

And while I hope, a lot,
That I don't annoy you,
I know if I do it'll be worth it.
I'll be talking to you.

But if I annoy you I expect you to tell me.
So please don't ignore me.

Just tell me if I'm annoying you.
Don't want to apologize but I really am being annoying so here's this poem expressing my thoughts.
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