They say music is the path to the soul
Through it, you can see
You can see into the deepest corners of yourself

But why
When I see it
Do I want to die?

What can I not remember
What have I shut out

Why does it haunt me

I haven't been happy for a long time
4 years? 8 years? I've lost count

I'm scared that
when I do find it
if I find it
I won't recognise it

and then it'll carry on
forever

I see it sometimes

in a dream at night
in a dream at day

I see how good it could be
could've
been.

its
happy

I'm not sure what happy is, but what else could it be?

I see it in my dreams
pure happiness, held tightly in my grasp.

it's so alluring
so
captivating

but why
when it's at its best

must I always

always

ruin it
end it in tears
not just destroy it
but make it a nightmare

i think to myself, why do I always have nightmares and not dreams?
but
is it so?

or

do I turn my dreams into nightmares
always

sometimes I see it
the other side

sometimes its like I'm really there
one of them

but

why do I wake up from the dream

when this nightmare

has gone on

for so long

I'm cold
so cold
How long has this blizzard been?

I'm freezing
I can't feel anything anymore
Will I ever feel again?

Why am I so cold?
Why can't others see it?

or is it normal

If it's normal to feel this ice in my heart


Then I don't want it anymore

Tossing & turning towards the dying light
Tears on the pillow
Desperate calls were made
Empty words were shared

I tied a scarf around my neck
Pull it harder and let it go

At first, I thought being alone was bad
because
it's embarrassing.

But when I'm home
on my own,
there is something else.

Something else that I hate
about being alone.

And every time I'm on my own,
I recognize it.

Its been with me
for a long time.