Today
I am going back home
After a month
Of being on road
I really don't want to go
At home I feel so alone
Waiting for me is my nearly empty house
The hundreds of people I see daily that I don't care for
Don't talk to
Make me feel as small as a mouse
Waiting for me is my toddler of father
And the endless hours of work
All of the peace in my mind
Lit up by a torch
Waiting for me are the sleepless nights
Oh how ill miss performing and the people I met
The kindness that often cannot be found in my town in America
I don't want to go home

Lost my father
Many years back..
All he asked me
Was to take him back
That Last wish of his
Remained Unfulfilled.

They say Time Heals
All this is a Lie.
For when you remember
It seems like yesterday

Each one has to exit
This is the truth
Which cannnot be denied.

But the sadness which prevails
Is worst that death itself.

Feel worthless even after you try
All the Emotions buried
As there is no shoulder to cry

HP is the only place
For I can only Vent.

For those who still have their parents alive.
Meet them. Love them. Care for them.
As you never know when they will go.

The coldest night air
Seems no different than the
Space around the stars.

Your fingers hum the introduction of regret,
Your tongue sings the refrain of apology,
And your eyes, when I can see them, vibrate the silent sound of unknowingness.

Your song is one I do not recognize, or know,
But still, I wish I could sing it with you.

I forgive you.

may 24, 2017
last suicide attempt
everyone blamed you
it was him
he hurt you
why do you even talk to him still?

you were never the reason
you broke up with me that night
and i snapped
the only thing that kept me happy
left
and i had
zero reason to
live

it was never your fault...

make yourself self a rat trap
thats not hard to do
things you will need they are only few

first you need  a bucket and bottle to
and a piece of dowel the bottle put it through
a bit wood to climb so the rats can reach the top

spread some peanut butter  on the bottle
that will be the bait   as the bottle spins
the rat will meet its fate

put water in the bucket just under half  will do
the bottle it will spin once the bait is found.
   the rat it will fall in  the rat it will be drowned

you can also by a top and a bucket to
ebay and amazon ready made for you

chlorine is toxic
hindsight is 20/20,
but i never should have kissed you

I'm scared, okay?
I'm scared I'll never be loved,
I'm scared I'll never be held,
I'm scared I'll never be wanted.

I don't know how to change this.
I'm not one of feelings,
I can't express them.

I'm scared my thoughts will push you away
I'm scared my bones won't hold me straight
I'm scared I'll never find a way to
be loved.

"Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
is something like Chandler would say
But what if I can't even make my own
defense mechanism protect me?
What if you don't like my jokes;
the only thing that might be good in me?
But that's not even the problem, is it?
I can't even find strengths to tell'em out loud
I can't even let you decide if you'll laugh or leave
I can't even

I'm scared, okay?
I'm scared that no one will ever know me,
will never want to know me
I'm scared I'll never find the words to fool you,
to make you think I might be interesting
I'm scared no one will ever think I'm worthed
of spending their whole life with
Why would they?
I'm just a quiet dull girl

I'm scared, okay?
Because
I love myself, okay?
I do.
I'm scared I won't ever find anyone else
that will love me as much as I do
I'm scared that's all that's left for me
Keep being one thing only:
unlovable
as I've always been