For years upon years
I've searched for the words to express the turmoil in my mind

For every fervently spat out, "What is wrong with you ?!"
And every horribly drawn out night spent sobbing til exhaustion.

How do you explain to the person who's believed in you more than anyone else in your life, that this sadness is never-ending.

That this deep unshakable weariness feels like lead coating every inch of my body.

That it feels like every horrible thing my tounge has ever stuttered.

Like every involuntary twitch of hand and every nervewracking lurch of nausea.

Like unsteady heartbeats and cold sweat.

It's lonliness, doubt and self-loathing.
Because no matter the love.
No matter the light.

The sadness is engraved deep in my soul.

Your words sear the flesh like hot iron.
The skin quakes and quivers at the sound of your thunderous voice.

You smother the soul with fear, just the same as you envelope it in love.
You fill me with life and with all the same reasons you make me wish i could die.

You,
the contradiction,
dictate my path.

So I carry you like an emblem burnt into my skin,
Waiting for you to strike me down, just to bring me back to life once again.

Distress mangles my body, like over-caffinated veins.
It makes me jolt and jitter.
The rush deafens my ears.

The silence fuels all my fears.

And my mind, offers no comforts.
Only thoughts of gruesome acts
Crashing, filling, overflowing, like a swelled river meeting a dam.

And I'm sinking, drowning like waterlogged clothing and lungs.
Thoughts so frantic, limbs so weary, I sometimes forget I'm not under water.

She said she needed liberation, release ...

From the weight she carried

What she did was an act of revenge.

Revenge, for all the wrong doings the world committed against her.

It was not suicide

Because suicide is such a stagnant word, half-hearted and sugar coated.

No, it was not suicide.
Not when she smiled so sincerely.

That word is not so, for the one the one who committed the act, but for who was left behind to clean up the aftermath.

Who was branded deep down in their soul, making sure to never allow them to forget.

It's for the ones who despite their love for her, hurt her unintentionally.

For the ones who wanted to help but didn't know how or were ignored.

And the ones who will continuously pick up shards of their shattered existance for the rest of their lives.

Forever wishing they could have done more.

Please, don’t come to me
On broken limbs asking for a hand
On hobbled feet and fractured legs
When I can barely stand,
Please don’t ask me for help
Don’t ask what I can’t give:
I can’t bear to turn you away
Because my own are just as fractured
And I cannot carry you.

Please, don’t come to me
With blinded eyes, asking to see
With milky lids and darkened sight
Don’t let this be.
Please don’t ask my to paint
A sunset I can’t see myself:
I can’t bear to lie and paint a sky
That isn’t real, that is contrived
It’s not what you deserve.


Please, don’t come to me
Your mind muddled and confused
Your thoughts torn and tattered
Your feelings lost or abused.
Please don’t ask my heart to feel
With you the things I cannot know:
For years ago my heart died
And left a hollow husk, dark
That you wouldn’t want to view.

Please, don’t come to me
Because I want to be your ground
I want to be the one you go to,
Your support when no-one’s around
But I’m afraid to disappoint you
Let you down, hurt you more
I can’t protect or guide you
I can’t give you what you deserve
So, please, don’t make me hurt the one I love.