The smoke fills
lungs and pages
pressed
In ink
between lips

And the satisfaction
Of feeling something else
No, someone else
With their hands in my hair
And the feel of skin
Pressed against mine

And my mom caught us,
"I know why you wanted me to leave"
I won't tell her that
He ****** me on her couch
And right there on the
Living room floor
As the sun came up

With one phone call my world fractured,
a short drive to the ER and it had shattered

Im used to tears and the ever present sadness
But nothing feels as devastating
As the moment I lost you

I stared at you, lying there
Your fingers turning blue
I felt your skin grow cold
I kissed your forehead, your cheek,
Your beautiful blue eyes
Hidden behind lids
never opening again
My tears fell onto your face, in your hair,
They soaked part of your hospital gown
I begged for you to wake up
Please, I pleaded
I couldn't believe that I would never
See you smile, hear your laugh, your voice again.

You fell in love with a monster
And he made you believe
He was all you'd ever need,
With a tiny *****, he took you away from me
This monster stole everything you had
Your little girl, your faith, your family,
Until he took the last thing you could give

I think about those last moments
Before he ****** you all the way in
Were you scared? Alone?
Did you see it coming
Or was it quick?

You know little bits of who i am
But a few scattered pieces do not define Me
Even if you know exactly what to say
to get me back to your room
And how to get back at me
When i stop complying

I can't keep up with the changing of tides
but i will keep our secret
About the night you told me to leave,
I didn't cry until i hit the pavement,
Fat angry tears,
pulling the fight from behind my lids
Then,
Slow and steady streams punctuated by
gasping sobs as i ran through now familiar streets
To an apartment and
A father i spent years running from

I know the ebb and flow of you,
The ripples of your  muscles
Pull me in to a rocky shore
And if i don't run fast
Over jagged rocks and broken glass
I will drown in your sea

They don’t tell you how much it hurts
when you’re cut open and exposed
or how messy your failed attempts
at cleaning yourself up can get
wires get crossed and lines are drawn
and you hit hard but I hit harder
so you call me crazy, I thought you knew
you expected psychotic girlfriend ****
that was never who I was,
I’m scared stiff, hiding in my bed
cause I’ve been seeing **** again
and you could never handle that

You ran circles around me and
I am dizzy from watching you spin

I let you in and you’re running away
like a scared little girl, the way I used to be
before boys and best friends
made me grow skin, tough as an elephant

and I refuse to run forever,
from life and all of things that can **** up
and miss all the beautiful parts
you can’t see
the beauty in butterflies if you refuse to stop

You say you can turn it off, if you wanted to
I say they were never real
if you can make them disappear

I would have never chose you if that were the case.

I know that you are not responsible
for picking up the pieces of my
constantly shattering emotional state
just as I am not responsible for yours
but I shouldn't feel as if I can't tell you
when I'm having a **** day just because
you're stressed out too
and you have other priorities that don't
have anything to do with me.
Am I selfish for wanting to be
part of those things?