I take another gulp
Maybe then I can feel something.
Something constructed in my head.
A delusional bliss if I keep drinking.
I drink to feel something.
Anything.
Happy?
Comfort?
I don't know something.
Heat from my body pours out of me.
Nothing I can't handle.
Eternally speaking this is nothing.
I need the effect of my drink to sleep.
It calms my horror of reality.
Please forgive me.
Wait don't.
I drink alone.
You don't know This about me.
Why would you?
I masquerade.
You don't know who I am.
I do not either.
I just hide behind poison.
It gets me by.
And I do not ask questions.
Maybe I should.
But I am not that strong.
Father forgive me...
Wait don't.
I don't believe in you.
Like I don't believe I have a problem.

I like the simplicity and complicity of tape.
I can always count on it.
To hold my **** together, when I cannot get it together.

If there is no happiness in oneself,
You can take anything away for them.
Nothing matters if you are empty.

You broke my heart countless times.
Now you come back wanting the rest of the fragments that contain who I am.
Pretty lies ring in my ear that tell me you indeed love me.
I will not buy into this sales pitch .
Call me what you want but I am not ready to die by the choices you make.
The thing is even if I could completey love you, I could not fully trust you.
The day I could would be the start of my suicide note.

They said I was mentally ill.
So they fed me a pill.
Maybe then I could feel.
This lack of apathy,
Is apparently not naturally.
So I sit and wait to feel more than a heart beat.
1
2
15
43
Days
Months
Years
Go by waiting for my feelings to exist.
Until then the drugs still persist.
I love.
But not a true love.
I do not feel it in my soul.
I just know it in my skull.
Just as 2 + 2 = 4
My love is in my mind.
I love you for as much as I can think.
So please don't leave me.
Alone with my mind on the thoughts of your existence.
You vanished
You have extinct out of my life.
I could not love you the way you needed me to be.
But I told you this before that my love was different.
You couldn't handle that.
And for that you leave me thinking I will be forever ill.

We are born for death
So why do we mourn?
Most of us will be afraid
Over time some of it will fade.
Time is fleeing so hold on tight.
We complain, because death puts us in a bine.
But, shouldn't we live to be kind?
We should not fear what we cannot control.
As I say for death let it roll;
Let go of all tears and put up a cheer.

I do not know who I am.
And that's okay.
For I am ever changing.