You answered just a little too fast.
It surprised me.
I haven't seen you in about a year,
And I am realizing I've missed you.
It surprised me.
The last time I saw you,
And the time before that,
You were intoxicated.
It surprised me.
I haven't seen you in about a year,
And I am realizing what you are to me.
It surprised me.
You are a dress without hems or seams.
I hardly know you but you are beautiful.
You are the bullet in the rotating cylinder of the gun to my head.
You dig through my skull and explode my amygdala.
And force me to love you.
You are the jam in the barrel as I pull the trigger.
I fell to the ground in realization:
You both killed me and saved me.
It surprised me.

I do not like this phase of a heart break.

When you purposely avoid love songs,
Or sometimes you play them just to make yourself feel like your hearts still pounding.

When the person you loved and hid from every waking soul is brought into a conversation.
Or when he isn't.

When you see other lovers who have made it years without the cruel hand of fate ripping their love from them.
Or when you see they haven't.

When you notice him writing you smaller, casual messages when they use to be breathtaking and beautiful.
Or when he doesn't write at all.

When I ask you if I am pushing you away and you say no.

"Alright, happy birthday! Text me later tonight?"

"Will do"

When every hidden goodbye ends with those two words. And my broken, belittled heart.

(i. r.)

I'm sorry that I never told you
that I liked him.
I'm sorry that there are secrets I've kept
to myself,
away from you.

I didn't want to hurt you.

I'm sorry that things worked out the way they did.
I don't want you to think that I stole him-
that I did this voluntarily-
because I didn't.

It's just...
my heart does things.

I can't control it.

I'm sorry if you think I'm a terrible person.
You didn't deserve this.

I'm sorry that the one you are trying to love right now doesn't love you.
And I'm sorry if you find that out right now.
I had to tell you.

I'm sorry that I couldn't find the words to tell you these things.

I'm so sorry.  Really.

Forgive me.

I don't know what I did to make you leave.
I don't know why you would want to.
I thought I was yours-
-your shoulder to cry on
-your secret keeper
-your laughter
-your opposite
-your best friend.

I guess not.

I've realized that
You never really looked at me-
Just through me.

You completely disregarded
My stories and tales
My spectacular (and not-so spectacular) adventures
My music preferences
My favorite things
My love for the sport cricket
My hate of roller coasters
My fear of dying pointless to the world
All the things that make me me

You never made the effort
You never really cared
You never did much of anything, actually