I'm busy finding myself and getting aquatinted. Feel like my past body is on the pavement.
It always had to be me who saved me.
Now it's a different picture being painted.

Put me on a t shirt; that death was inevitable. Prolonged for too long because
I was told I wasn't capable.
I dug a grave and now I stand on top of it.
This life has always been some twisted monopoly. So I framed a death for new possibilities.
New ID, new area code.
A brand new home where no one knows me.

Im back to my old dream
since living in a false reality.
Heavily medicated had my foundation cloudy.
I'm out and I'm free from
the chains of my mentality.
Here comes the sun and the summer.
Pink cloud mornings bring on the thunder.
No rain can drown me out.
I prayed for a storm in the face of a drought.
I will scream in the name of resistance and
demand the change that persists. This is it.
Its inevitable.

Born again.
It ain't no euphemism.
Dealing with this anger and depression
it's like I got the **** youth again
and I don't have any friends.
The people that call me don't read my pen
and they don't repent
but it doesn't make them any less heaven sent.
I've been learning and failing
for as long as I can remember.
The lessons I've learned has been simple tinder
for this fire in my soul and ain't no dent in my bumper that can muffle this thunder,
cause you're going to hear what I have to say
even if I cant find the words to muster.
My smile glistening with blood in my teeth
from all the rocks that I swallowed
when I ain't have nothing to eat.
I refused to claim defeat.
You couldn't walk in my shoes
cause I had bare feet.
Blisters that made them bleed
and it never stopped me.
I was beaten black and blue
but I kept silent to appease you.
What you said you'd do if I told,
wasn't what happened when the truth unfolded. Instead I was scolded.
Lost wandering in this world and
always cold shouldered. Considering it all,
I kept the chip of mine.
Walked the line and called on the divine.
Then I woke up one day and decided not to live past 9 cause when I called up to God,
I got the busy toned line.
I woke up and there was no one home to find me.
The message was blinding.
No one was going to save me besides me
so I got to the soul finding.
I woke up again and I was 25.
My old life was behind and I had a chance to shine.
No direction to go in,
just went where the river was flowing.
Without even knowing
I was living and growing.
The old memories were like a dream
but theres one I've been constantly chasing.
I refuse to forget
when my memories constantly erasing.
It's been hard to face dealing with a body that always felt out of place.
Defending my energy with a can of mace
and suddenly it's only me left to embrace.
So I do, until I turn blue.
Transcending time and space trying to find you.

I could ask for a call and still not get it.
That only makes me regret it.
In the off times I prepare myself to be vulnerable
and then not get the chance,
I just stay to myself and
keep everyone closed out.
My problems, I've addressed on my own
because every time I picked up the phone,
they feared the emotions were waves
that would take me in the under tow.
but little did they know, I'll always float.
and I know thats not much of living
but its been the cards I was given.
I don't fight it anymore
and I choose to adore the shore
that I can never quite reach.
I watch the beings that I'll never quite be.

Expectations have a way of breaking your heart.
They highlight the grey line between
thought and the actual know.
You never know anything unless its explicitly said
but in my life, even the spoken words
hold no weight anymore.
There is no trust in the mere words that are spoken to me because without action, they mean nothing. Same as an apology;
would rather skip the sorry and see/be the proof.
I have not always been right.
To be honest, i've been more wrong.
Life has a way of humbling you and
showing you exactly what you need
and most of the time, it's just you.
And even in myself, I've had to learn to
not have expectations because after 26 years,
I'm still learning what I'm capable of and
who I am.

I believe in some things
like happiness, true love, peace
but its always been just out of reach.
I've run into snakes and leech after leech
but its nothing thats ever defeated me.
I've been lost at sea,
in holes too deep to see,
not been able to breathe
but these blessings I receive daily
has been the energy that gives belief of a maybe.
I'm a presence you don't realize until I leave.
I believe in my reprieve. I repent.
I'm heaven sent
to a society in which I do not blend,
I transcend.
Touch lives and survive.
I don't say whats not meant.
I believe in something bigger than me
and I believe in destiny.
I don't not fear the inevitable.
It's what makes me,
it's what breaks me
and it's what will take me.
I'm here left standing when I was created to fall.
It's nothing more than what it's meant to be.
This world was made for me.
The disasters perpetually creating prophecy.
Despite the darkness that I called home,
I still believe in a light that will brighten my nights,
I believe in a creator that makes more than a fight.

I wish someone would ask me if I was okay.
It would be nice if anyone worried about me at all.
Truth is, they could ask but I most likely would claim fine when in reality I'm dying inside.

I communicate well enough.
Thats also why I wonder if anyone cares at all.
In those moments where I'm drowning
and I finally ask for help? No one answers.

I can only rely on myself.
I'm the only one making sure I'm okay
and I'm not right now.
Quite frankly I have no idea what to do
so I decided to write to you.

These days have got me praying to any god
knowing that whatever wave pulls me under,
I always have that split second in between them that I gasp for air and somehow manage to survive that way.. but thats not living is it?

I think about how I must've been really ****** in my past life. It's the only way I can cope with never being able to stand up and breathe for longer than a second. It has got to stop at some point right?

I've always spoken in similes
even before I knew the word.
Id speak and yell for help
but no one understood therefore
I wasn't heard or felt.

So I explained things like my pain or my loneliness or how the rain makes me feel.
I explained colors as tastes and my pain as a constant dull ache, one where my hearts feels like its manually beating and how being alone was like a room with no windows or light accompanied by an elephant that loved to sit right on my chest.
I explained rain like the feeling of hearing a babies first laugh. It's the freeness and freshness that feels like a blessing.
Or so I say.

I explain love more often and most haven't had that true one to grasp what It means,
so I tell them descriptively..
Love is the vastness and brightness of the night sky in Alaska. It's the real meaning of being rich. It's safety and peace. Love is sitting at the table with always something to eat. Love is a northern breeze, ever so changing but always evident.
Love is a dream.

A poets language is universal. Their writings are pure emotion which anyone could relate.
I continue to articulate what I need to convey in a way that we all know and I write so it's on display.

Im realizing here isnt home if we aren't.
As my plans alter, I feel unsteady,
unsure, not ready.
So i'll go back? Just pass through each known place like a ghost wandering through halls that were once mine but hold no warmth anymore.
I think it's needed now.
I'll cut off my extremities so I don't have to hold your hand when I walk that circle, chasing just the chance at remnants that we were there at all.

Im chasing a feeling.
I go to say that nothing good came from that place but that would hold no truth cause you were proof.
A poet. An east side story.
A broadway play that spoke no names.
Brilliance that didn't belong in this place.
Im still on the pursuit of happiness.
I know i'm still living in the past
but that because thats where I find it.

Im traveling this road alone,
have no place to call to home
and am lonely to the bone.
I'll set out on my journey,
looking for my happy,
traveling across country
on my pursuit of happiness.

My dog in the passenger street,
will serve as my only friend,
nothing but open road to occupy us.
I'll pull over at every worth sight
and snap a few pictures
so ill remember.
Which ever place feels like a hug,
I will lay my head for good.
If my hands end up digging in sour dirt,
ill return myself to it.
Im on my pursuit of happiness.

Sparks through every nerve ending.
A drop in my stomach.
My heart crawls up my throat for air
and I'm choking up.
My eyes tear ever so slightly.
I start to throw up.
If anything, I'll settle for this.

My hairs coming out in single extensions
but they're not that;
they were once rooted in my head.
This happens every year bringing a new fear of what could be and what isn't.
I've said goodbye too many times this year and losing my hair is just
another one to whisper.
They say hair holds value, whether its comfort, memories, or any sense of spirituality
and part of me is dying
but I think thats okay.
Ive been nothing but a phoenix all my life,
rising from ashes,
spreading my wings to fall again
but I always got back up
more of a warrior than the last time.
I run my hand through my hair and sprinkle the shed across the grass much like the ashes
I continue to rise from.
I know the truth is within me even if
it's hard to stomach.
The pit in it will soon sprout and root in my intestines and grow something new.
Im laying this year to rest with both my best friends and the yearning for what I cant have.

If you asked me 5 years ago what I wanted in life, I'd tell you it's exactly what I have now.

I woke up one day and had nothing but everything I ever dreamed and hoped for at the same time.

I realized that no matter what I had in the material, it meant nothing if I had no one to share it with. There was no one there to see me come out the other side of this fight so it felt like I never did.  

Now I am left with a graveyard of friends and lovers that I had lost along the way.
Those that I still lay flowers at and those that I speak of through clenched teeth.
Their names just taste a little bitter
and maybe I am too.
Bitter that you didn't see the vision or believe that id make anything more of my broken pieces
when I always carried yours through storms and watered your every thought
and god, I really tried to bring you with me.

I have all this land.
A foundation.
Built around tombstones of the past.
No one within 200 miles
but ghosts
and I struggle to say "I'm home".

If you were the moon, I think you'd still pull the tide.

The ones that start tsunamis.

If you were the moon, i think you'd still light up my nights.

Only with the help of the sun.

If you were the moon, you would have loved for you with desire.

The kind that keeps the fire lit.

But if you were the moon, i think it would burn.

The sun that you chase and will never meet,
still rises in the east and puts you to rest.

The tree portrays trust to tangle in the winds gusts.

Allow your mind to envelope my words in ways the leaves move freely.

Entwine with my body, silent secrets, sweet something's, and shadow my sheer sorrow.

These wax wings stood no chance against your rays; I was warned, I know, but what's more tempting than safety

or perceived safety.

Like Icarus I fell from the sky into the waters and met a cancer; now i'm drowning cause I can't swim.

i'd rather be star gazing
but that's what got me here in the first place.

you: a fragile flower. soft to touch and blooms when no ones looking.
me: a gentle spring rain. soft to touch and comes when you need it most.
a nourishment for the soul,
being that this is all metaphorical.

my heart: a cumulonimbus,
so full and heavy with love spilling out the sides and wetting pavement.
you're the flower that rose from the concrete,
a foundation not suitable for the exceptional
so i will water you, flower, and smell the aroma each time like its the first;
mixed with fresh rain,
I could bottle the scent.

Orion taunts me these nights,
stretched across the sky but never making it to battle.

The constellation mocks me these nights.
I wish Orion would fall from the sky and **** me.

What a beautiful tragedy that in ways he already has.

Drugs are enticing and exciting.
She did it for the thrill, they were so inviting.

Pill after pill, needle after needle,
As she lit another j, she became more feeble.

She kept her door locked along with her lips.
She wouldn't tell anyone how reality would slip.

Theres no need to worry she did it all the time.
She had no cares in the world and snorted another line.

This time wasn't like the rest, she was soon to know, like the older addicts, she was the next to go.

No one was aware how her mental would dip.
She wasn't aware this was her last ******* trip.

These wax wings stood no chance against your rays,
I was warned, I know, but what's more tempting than safety

or perceived safety.

Like Icarus I fell from the sky into the waters and met a cancer,
now i'm drowning cause I can't swim.

id rather be a star gazing
but that's what got me here in the first place.

Ive got these women deleting the apps we met on because they think i'm the one.

I'm not satisfied.

How could I be when i'm cosmically meant for you?

this app needs serious bug issues fixed with logging in and in the write screen. the single and double star options to edit your text don't work properly and there's still avid writers on this app, lets get it together. what can we do to help?

you took every little light that flickered inside me and smothered them until they were no more.

Then you told me how much you wished I was the old me,

but You killed her.

To the few people i've given away my secrets to:

The moments I spilled my truth to you, the fragile flame I call hope had finally emerged from the deepest cracks I call me, and cried for help.

I don’t do it for attention.

Okay maybe i do it for “attention” but when you call help “attention” it makes it feel wrong.

I remember when I realized she was telling on us.

i know when I walk late at night and the quieted light I call life, inside me, flickers weakly and posts my 2, 3, 4am walks for anyone to see
she is screaming for help

I realized one day those walks were filled with hope of an inevitable demise. These sidewalks have no place for any being at hours when demons creep but i'm so comfortable under the moonlight with my demons in tow. ******* help me

One of the most dangerous signs for me is when you think im fine
spoiler alert i dont think ill ever be fine but

You see me in public. You see me smile. You see me reach out and make plans.

This my dear friends is my goodbye

Just to make your last memory sweet because it’s all you ever wanted for me
But so unattainable.. Until now

If you were the moon, i think you'd still pull the tide.

Actually, I feel like you'd push and pull, **** around and create a tsunami.

If you were the moon, i think you'd still light up my nights.

Actually, I feel like you'd come crashing through my sky as a meteor.

If you were the moon, i think you'd still reflect the suns rays.

Actually, i feel like you'd have to admit it hurt; the rays.

But if you were the moon, i think you would burn.

Actually you'd have to admit you're the sun that
still rises in the east to put me to rest.

I say I don't have a type
but you fit mine so perfectly.
dark and twisty.
a little too familiar.

My life expectancy is 27

I will be 23 in April and with March approaching fast all i want to do is

stop

We make up 1% of the world population.
approximately 77 million of us among the 7.7 billion

We make up 10% of the worlds sucde rates.
approximately 80,000 out of 800,000 cases per year

I am also a woman meaning i am 3x more likely in general to attempt.

I was never supposed to make it past 11 and now i'm pushing for 27

no

i'm pushing for tomorrow because 27 is much farther away and its much more realistic to make it to tomorrow than to make it to 27.