Is it all worth it though?
Is all the mental torture worth it?
Are all these sleepless nights worth it?
Am i being selfish or am i just being taken advantage of?
Do i even still want this?
Is it worth it?
Is being said “you’re unloving”
“You’re not helping me in any way”
“Girls like you make me go depressed”
“You don’t care for me”
“This is why I want to be single”
“Your efforts are nothing”
“You’re making me more stressed”
“You make me feel insecure about myself”
“You behave like a ****”
“No happiness”
Worth it?
Hearing all these and more,
Feeling completely useless,
Having no words to say back,
Worth it?
Is being speechless worth it?
Or defending myself and getting beaten up by even more harsh word worth it?
WHAT IS WORTH IT?

I have been there for you through everything but there’s a difference between being your support to lean on and being your punching bag to vent out all your frustrations.
Harsh words, rude comments and disrespect has been thrown around several times, and I have shut up for most of it.
As much as I retreat, you beat me to it.
Feeling nothing but emptyness recently.
I get that you’re going through something, but that doesn’t make me any less hunan than you are.
I am going to feel. I am going to hurt. I am going to cry.
I’m not strong enough to push aside my emotional stability to support your verbal abuse.
I am trying.
I
Am
Trying.

How much longer till my tears completely dry up?
How much longer till I’ve completely become numb?
How much longer till I break?
How much longer till I go mad?
How much longer till I’ve had enough?

Do I want this?
Do I love myself more?
Or do I love you more?
Is it worth taking the risk?
Is it worth it?

If love was an object,
it would be my blanket.

It keeps me warm.
I would shiver without it.

It keeps me safe.
A place to hide.

It's soft.
Gentle upon my skin.

It's comfortable.
Peaceful, sleep-filled nights.

It's something I want,
not something I need.

It wraps me tight.
The most comfortable hug.

It's constant,
day and night.

It's the kind of love,
we all yearn for.

Yet,
We take a blanket for advantage.

" Ever asked yourself why you stayed?
Was it because you loved her?
Or was it comfort?"

Love is comfortable.
Comfort is loving.
One without the other,
There's nothing.

I spill,
Seeking comfort.
You state,
Reality.

I yearn,
A lover.  
You,
Empower.

I need
Patience.
You provide
Anger.

Comfort
Found in words.
Language,
Foreign to you.

I needed
You.
Proven
Otherwise.

Now,
I need
Me.

My heart sets itself on a thin rope
My head is an uncontrollable mess
My neck sinks low from apologies
My mind wouldn't think less
My eyes plead for your mercy
My hands ache for your touch
My mouth craves for your love
My feet follows your path

I apologise
For my fragility

For the heart that is purely sensitive
At the slightest emotion felt

For the mind that beats itself up
Creating such invalid thoughts

For the eyes that were never dry
From the tears that always fell

I apologise
For the difficult self I am

I have ached for you without consent.
I have listened to what might not want to be shared.
I have cleansed my tongue from words that spite.
I have allowed my heart to breathe, for you.

I'd still give you my heart,
because I know it brings no harm.

Not anymore.

Will I ever say it?
No.
Because I've accepted reality,
And the way it treats me.

Allowing happiness to seep in,
Little by little, change by change,
Made me treasure what's within.

No hate, no grudges, no pain, no lies,
Genuine care and love that never dies.

Relieved of anger, loath and paranoia,
My heart feels more satisfied and
My mind seems to guid better.

Rebuilding hope on life and faith in God,
Understanding that everyone is flawed,
Made me develop this kind and humble nature,
And honestly, nothing's greater.

"What are you so afraid of?"

"The light"

"Most would say the dark"

"Because they are afraid of being alone."

"And you're not afraid of being alone?"

"I find solace in the dark, at night.
Where hurt has no space to enter.
Where expectations are uninvited.
Where I can be alone, and not be afraid of it."

"But why the light?"

"Its when I can see."

"And that's a problem?"

"It is when you've seen to much."

Paint me.

Add color onto my purity.

Sacrifice your clean brush,
for an angry stroke of red.

Let the colors define your emotions.

Paint a strong current of blue to show me,
just how sad you really are.

Let the colors define you.

Let a little green in,
portray your caring heart.

Let me in.

Add a tinge of yellow around the corners,
holding onto that thin line of faith you still have.

Let go of yourself, artist.

Stipple white gently,
and match me.

Let everything you hold be free.

But remember to avoid black,
for it destroys a perfect painting.

But if you must,
then add black,

and destroy me.

I cannot explain this feeling.

It's almost deadly.
Yet,
Its the only thing that keeps me alive.

Like the devil,
That sees through my thin soul.
I know its bad.
Yet,
If feels good?

Like the sunlight burning through my skin,
Scarring my bones with its presence.
It's exciting, new and refreshing.
Yet,
It hurts with no warning.

Like a petal that's been tossed and turned in mud,
Heavy with negativity, erasing its identity.
It's wild and challenging.
Yet,
Its heart wrenching.

Like a caterpillar thats out of its cocoon,
Flying and scavenging through dark woods.
Its happy and its free.
Yet,
It's lonely and its fearful.

I cannot explain this feeling.
Its one without words.
Its one without expressions.
Yet,
Its one with feelings.

To a child that has been spoon fed ever since young,
Independence would sound foreign.

This house is getting heavy
With the silence that surrounds
Silence which has affected me
Silence that brought me down
I try to make this house a home
The home that I used to love
But nothings seems to be working
So I seek help from above

Let me fall.
Let me get hurt.
Let me make mistakes.
If you don't,
I will never know
and I will never learn.
Don't stop me,
But tell me.
Warn me.
And then after,
Let me be.