Trauma wasn’t just a word for someone like me
Like vines with thorns, the memories cut me, wrapping me in utter vulnerability
People say I've had a good life and I have it better than the boy who was hit last week
But what about the girl I used to be, hiding with the monsters because humans scared me
The word trauma is what people use when something is uncovered or discovered
But over time it loses meaning, becoming stale like left out bread
Because people who throw the word around think people who hide from the vines are actually fine
When we are running from not only the demons in our minds but the light of reality
Suffocating with bad habits to keep the memories locked and not for a rainy day
But so we can finally get a moment of peace in this ****** up masterpiece-
That we call reality
I wish I could go back to when instead of thorns there was rose buds growing with me
But they were cut and protective lies surrounded the oh so fragile identity
My mind a graveyard of what it could've been if not for unfortunate events following me
The lies are spilled not just because I'm scared but it's hard to open up when all I've done is lock away any truths that could lay me bare
Like a scab I pick at the wound, the feeling unnerving and almost deserving, like a silver shine pressing another line, ending in a numbing relief
Pain distracts from the others that are greater, because how the hell do I breathe with no oxygen
Crimson brings me back, the sting is the oxygen I crave, guilt and shame will take a minute to scream.
Oh I just wanted to be free.

I’ve been trying for years to stop,
but,
it’s like a safety cushion that just ends up hurting you more.
Like I honestly get so mad when people tell me to “just stop.”
But it’s an addiction.
Once you start it’s so hard to stop and even if your years clean of something,
you can still relapse.
That’s the worst part.
I’ve always done it even subconsciously since I was in single digits,
so now it’s just sadly second nature.
It’s hard to stop something that you’ve always done just in different ways.
It’s not like I wanted to start,
I just needed to feel
or I thought I needed to be “punished” for nothing that was my fault.
But I ended up finding a quick fix that’s gonna leave me scared for the rest of my life.
I’ve tried everything to distract myself and make me stop.
Longest I’ve gone was 6 months,
I was 14.
I just moved on from hitting myself to things that cause more damage yk.
It’s the stinging that brings me back to reality and in a moment,
just a moment,
my mind stops running and my brain is calm.
Just a moment of silence that always comes back.
It’s not good but I just can’t stop.
But I think I’ll get better and heal.
Even if it’s not tomorrow or next month.
Eventually I’ll get better and won’t need it anymore. Hopefully.
It’s a hope I wish so desperately to come true.
One day tho, whether it’s in this life or another,
I won’t need it.

Chocolate colored eyes pierce and divide
Digging through my soul like a chest being discovered
A smile plays across her lips and it's like a puzzle piece clicked
Her words soft and light almost sending me to cloud nine
Laughs shared in late night conversations and the only other here are the stars
She shines brighter than the sun and gives invisible burns when she touches
I wish I could hold her every night and intertwine hands in the daylight
Hearts beating as one and yet so far it makes an impossible feat
The lights of our "sins" are much too great not to give in
Our life is strong and great as one

...

But something is off as time goes on
Whispers almost distant and the life we built almost glitching
As we sit down and watch the TV I cant help but look next to me
The lamp on the table is off and looks strange not like yesterday
My eyes never leave the shade when it locked today
Words said to me are static and a mystery
I realize this is a dream and it hurts as I hear screams
The world flashes and my eyes burn from fright

...


I open my eyes to a white hospital room
My mom in her chair on call while noises fill the air
An IV in my arm makes me wince as I take in the reality
I'm twelve years old again and I feel tears fall down without grace
"Hey baby I'm glad you're awake,"

I wish I could feel the same.

Screams thrown in my face like acid,
making my skin burn to a crisp.
Harsh words stab into me,
venom sinking in my bones,
forever engraved in my soul.

A daze clouds my brain,
I don't know what I did,
what I do know is I caused this.

The problem that everyone has,
all stems from the mistake that is me.
My presence in the room is enough to **** any mood.
I'm just sad I had to leave so very soon.

Memories blurred and tears left unshed,
Words of my existence praised with dread.
Almost as if they weren't calling me curses back then.

But over time people spat poison on my name,
I guess nothing ever changed.
But I guess this was always my fate.

I thought people liked you more when dead?
Oh, well that's a shame.  
Too bad it's the end.

My mother yelled the other day
"Take a shower, brush your teeth-"
"Wash your clothes and listen to me!"
"Please do the dishes before you anger me!"

Yet concrete forces me down to my bed
Chains wrapped around my heart instead
Moving a limb is an impossible feat
Pure numbing pain crushes me

This feeling curled in my bones annoys me
As it did when I was only 6 and untrusting
Lies sprouting and sharp as from a garden
If only I could say, "Hey stop it."

My mother yelled at me today
"I gave you love and gave you strength-"
"I wiped the tears you spilled on rainy days!"
"If not for me you would have been left with no one you see?"

The love you gave wasn't until you had to show face
I got strength but from the way my childhood caved
The tears you wiped was when people died
Even when you were "there" I had no one by my side.

My mother sobs tears with rage
"Things you've done affect others as well-"
"It breaks my heart I couldn't help,"
"I'm sorry I didn't notice you weren't well."

Mother of mine why can't you see?
I just want a hug and cuddles- listen please.
I didn't have childhood but please forgive me
Sorry oh sorry for hurting you so.

Please just let me go.