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Why is this gin not helping me
Alcohol is supposed to help you with these types of things. Right?
Than why do I still have these thoughts
Thoughts that are giving me very few options

I could either finish that bottle of gin and become an alcoholic
Take that gun from the cabinet, load it with its 9mm rounds, aim and fire
Or go get the help that I need from family and friends

I know that getting help is the right answer
Yet why does that gun look to be the right answer
But knowing me with my shaking hand
I will mess and hit the wall behind me

Now if I was a religious man
That shot would have been a sign from God
Yet I’m not a religious man so I know
That shot was because of my hand, so I would try again
Expect I might go through the mouth this time

I need you to come into this room that I locked myself in
Take that gin throw in against the wall
Take this gun from my hands, empty the bullets, and get rid of it
And to get me the help that I need

Yet if you don’t come I know what I would do
I would finish that gin and fired that round
Ending the thoughts for good

Yet if I did how could I if I’m telling you this
Or have I fired that shot
And I’m a ghost to tell you the mistake that I made
Have you ever lost someone
Like they are died and you are left alone
Because if you haven’t
You don’t know what it feels like

It’s not something you can easily shead
This emotions are not leftovers you can easily throw away
Because if they were why would you throw them out

They are priceless treasures
Something you hold dearly to your heart
Why would you throw them out like they mean nothing
When they shape the very being you are

They are not like last night's leftovers
Something you can easily forget
Why would you try to forget them anyway
Life is not worth living if you don’t have emotions to back it up

Some would say depression is worse than this
But how would you know if you never lived through it
With depression you have someone to go to
But this the one you loved is gone
A part of your very soul, your being

If these emotions can be forgotten
Why would you forget them in the first place
All the love, sore, pain would mean nothing
And if they are connected to the one you love why would you forget

Why would you want to lose this connections to your loved one
When all you want is to hold them in your arms again
And you want to feel their warmth
To regain the part of your soul that was lost

And when you move on it’s not the same
You already lost apart of your soul that can’t be regain
And it will never be the same
No matter how hard you try

And when you are left alone with them
They will tear at you, rip you apart
Make you feel like your nothing without your loved one

So when I say you don’t know what it’s like until you lived through it
I mean it you really don’t know
And when you do live through it
You will know the pain and emotions that I have

But until that time don’t say
Don’t say this is something you can easily overcome
Because emotions are not easily thrown out and forgotten
Do not shed a tear for me
For they should be saved for times of happiness
Not for times like these

I know that the time is coming
But do not shed a tear now or when it comes
Even if this maybe the last you see of me
I will always be there in spirit

Please come here so I can wipe away those tears
Tears that shouldn’t appear
For those tears will affect what I’m about to say
For these are some words that have helped me

In your darkest hour I will be there
Not to laugh at you, but to care for you
For even in our darkest hour we all need someone
Someone to help us through it

Please take this words to heart just has I have
For this helped me in my darkest hour
Please take your own advice for I will always be there
Even if you never see me I will keep an eye on you

So please stop shedding tears for me
For I want you to remember all the good times
And forget that I have left without you

I am sorry but it is time for me to go
But before I take my last breath
There is something I want you to remember
It is that I love you
Home is where the heart is
Oh that’s a funny thing you been told
Just because a homeless man
Found a home for his heart
Doesn’t mean he as a home

Oh that’s a funny thing to say
Home is where the heart is
When young people fall in love
Have they found a home
Oh how easily that home can be taken away

Oh home is where the heart is
To bad the heart is so fragile
Just how easily it can break
It’s always quicker than the repair

Why does home have to be where the heart is
When a heart is normally full of lies
Lies that the heart finds as truth
Lies that make the heart find false homes

So why is home is where the heart is
When it should be
Home is where your broken heart has taken you
Why have I been driving myself to the edge
Like serious this is no place for anyone
Yet here I am a step from being over
And I don’t know if I can take that step back

The edge just seems to be calling me
Wanting me to take that step over and fall
For how long, I do not know
But the fall seems to be the thing pushing me back

So I have this two feelings
Embrace the edge or let the fall push me away
So because of this feelings I’m just standing there
Unsure on what to do with my life

I really could just end it and jump
And embrace the fall for what it is
The images of my life flashing before my eyes
But I’m afraid of what’s at the end of the fall

I could also take that step away
And leave this edge behind
Really just continue my life and forget this
But I’m pretty such I will be back to this edge

Not knowing what to do I sit down
With my legs over the edge swinging back and forth
Waiting for my mind to decide on what to do
And I’m still waiting to this day on what to do
This is a poem about how I felt with depression and suicide thoughts. They have decreased a lot since I wrote this.

— The End —