I'm afraid of what people think of me sometimes.
I'm afraid to really see myself.
I'm afraid of others seeing the real me.
I'm afraid of being told by someone that I love what they truly think of me.
I'm afraid of people dying.
I'm afraid of having a relationship.
I'm afraid of hurting people.
I'm afraid of hurting animals feelings.
I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing.
I'm afraid of people hating me.
I'm afraid of no one ever really loving me.
I'm afraid of people leaving me.
I'm afraid to cry in front of someone who thinks i'm strong.
I'm afraid of not being able to handle myself.
I'm afraid that I haven't had my lowest point yet.
I don't know...

I can't breathe.
My chest is tightening.
It burns.
I feel stressed
Panicked
Sick
Helpless.
I'm struggling to find a way to stop.
I need to calm down.
I need to breathe.
I need these thoughts to stop running through my head 100 mph.
I need my brain to go numb for a minute.
I need to relax my chest.
I don't know if I need someone or not.
I keep crying and I can't stop.
The tears come flowing out of me and it feels like acid dripping down my face.
My mouth is salivating.
My head hurts.
I feel like I want to pass out but I can't.
My body won't do it.
My body keeps me trapped here in this state.
I cant feel my face anymore.
I finally start to relax.
My chest and face muscles release me.
I breathe deeply and slowly although it still burns.
My stomach is upset and I start to hurl.
I let the last few tears roll down my face.
My headache is pounding now.
Like my brain is a heart of it's own and it hurts.
My vision becomes foggy.
I finally fall asleep.
It's over for now.
But I know it will happen again.

You are so lovely.
So wonderful.
So beautiful.

Yet you feel so bad.
Why?

I never want you to feel like that.

You are:

The first snow fall.
Light, pure, and beautiful.

The flowers that grow after snow has fallen.
Delicate, innocent, and growing.

The sun that shines upon the world.
Bright, warm, and strong.

The moon beside the earth.
Mystic, glowing, and shining light in the dark.

The stars above our heads.
Wishful, your own, and people look upon you with hope.

The universe that holds it all.
Mysterious, never ending beauty, amazing.

Something that lovely doesn't deserve to be so sad.

To me, you are all of those things.

You are what holds my heart forever.

I love you.

I wish you never had to feel like someone didn't love you.

Because it will never be true.

This would be my graduation speech if I were to give one:


Hey guys. So......we did it. We actually did it. It's crazy huh? Some of you are going to go on and be actors, doctors, singers, care givers, teachers, and much more. To be honest, I don't really like all of you. Nor do I know all of you. But hey, how could I when we are in a school with about 1,000 kids? May not seem like many kids to some people who have gone to bigger schools, but it's a lot for us. Regardless of whether I know you or like you, I know you will all go on to do great things regardless, because I have seen each of you complete your goals, or strive so hard for the goals you have made for the future. For some of you, your goal was to graduate high school. For some of you it is to get accepted to college. And, for others, like myself, it is to go on and make a change in the world, no matter how big or small the change may be. No goal is to small or to big for you to accomplish, and for some of you, now is the time that I must congratulate you for accomplishing a goal of yours today. Good luck to any of you who have yet to get there. Some of you have become my friends, and some, even more than friends. You have become my family. My brothers and sisters. I truly love you all and nothing else will ever be like our high school experience. So remember the good times from all these years. Keep in touch with all of your friends, and leave all the childish drama behind you. Move on. Make new friends, meet new people, strive for your dreams. Have a family. Teach your kids to be the best they can be and always support them and love them the best that you can as you try to set good examples for them. Last of all, never give up. I believe in you. And please make yourselves proud as you start this new part of life. Thank you.

Tonight A lot of you left.
Tonight you all embark on a new journey of life.
You have overcome all that they have thrown at you.
You hated this place.
Yet,
You couldn't be any sadder to leave.
For most of you anyway.
Your new life begins now.
Though you might take some of the past with you
It is a time for new beginnings.
You leave us today
To become something greater tomorrow.
We will miss you.
We love you.
But hopefully we will soon meet again
In our futures.
I know this is not the end
Although it may feel like it.
I hope we don't grow apart.
But, the truth is most of you will have better things to do with your time
Until you decide
To remember
Us.
This place.
And I hope you get out
I really do.
But I also hope
That you remember to come back.
Because this was our beginning.
And I hope
Our beginning meant something to you too.
Goodbye.

I can't.

I can't make these words flutter out of me like butterflies from a caged soul.

I can't make them trickle out of me like water falling from a leaf after the rain.

I can't command the words to leave me, when they would rather stay inside.

But sometimes you have to make them.
'
You have to speak out and be your own voice.

But don't let these words out for people who do not want them spoken.

Let them out for yourself.

Let them out because they make your bones and body ache.

Let them out because your soul screams the words inside of you until you feel ready to pop!

But let them out when you are ready.

Because you can not make them flutter out of you like butterflies from a caged soul.

You can not make them trickle out of you like water falling from a leaf after the rain.

And you can't command the words to leave until they are ready.

Cleanse
the
Mind,
Body,
and
Soul.

Remember how you felt when you glanced across the room and made eye contact with a beautiful stranger.

Remember how you felt when you indulged a little after working so hard.

Remember getting what you wanted by dedication.

Remember how you felt when it rained and you could feel the cold and smooth rain droplets tickling your skin in such a way that it made you feel more alive.

Remember the joy of putting a smile on someones face.

Remember the times when you felt most loved.

Remember the things that made you feel whole and complete.

Remember how you put your heart on something and it came alive.

Remember
to
cleanse
your
Mind,
Body,
and
Soul
with
these
­in
times
of
darkness
...

You lie
You lie
That's all you do.

You lie
You lie
So I will never believe you.

You lie
You lie
The whole town knows.

You lie
You lie
At least you put on a good show.

You lie
You lie
So I don't want to see you.

If you lie
If you lie
I will break you in two.

Just wait
Just wait
The day will come.

When I,
Yes I,
Will finally be done.

Goodbye
Goodbye
You deserve this now.

Goodbye
Goodbye
Maybe, we can all be happier now.

Masks aren't just for hiding the bad.
Sometimes they hide the good too.
So which are you hiding?
Or is the mask hiding something from you?

I'm so tired of crying.
I wish it would stop.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm tired of fighting for everything.
I'm tired of the people I love getting hurt.
Because of me.
I'm tired of always being self conscious,
And picked on.
I'm tired.

And no one seems to see or care because they are all so caught up with themselves and their own lives.
I don't blame them.
I'm not much to be worrying about,
But if just one bit of that worry from another person went towards me and how I felt and how I think about dying everyday,
Then maybe I wouldn't be so sad,
Lonely,
And tired.
And weak.

I'm tired of standing up for everyone but no one standing up for me when it really comes down to it.
People say they will.
But how many really would?
You never know.
Which is the hard part about everything.
You never know what's coming next,
Or what's being changed at the very blink of an eye and it frustrates me.
It frustrates me that I can't be prepared for every hard thing that comes my way.
But that's living right?
That's what life is about?
To be honest,
I've stopped caring what life is about.

I get anxiety attacks and everyone thinks I'm lying about it and I'm so afraid to let someone in because they won't be supportive or actually listen to me when I think I have the slightest bit of chance to tell them how I really feel.

People think I should just shut up.
They think that I should just go about my day until something drastic happens.
It's sad really that something drastic NEEDS to happen before anyone takes you and your problems seriously.
But by then it's too late.
And after it's all over they go back to not caring again.

Maybe one day I will say goodbye.
I'm always afraid of regretting it,
So that's how I know I need to stay for now.
But one day I might be pushed just a bit,
To the point where I no longer care if I'm happy or sad or feel nothing after.
Then I know that I am about to leave.
And I wonder how people will think I kept it all in so long.
Because I didn't.
It's just that no one would take the time to listen so instead I took the time to vent and never felt better afterwards.

What to do?
What to do.
What I want vs. what I need to do.
The problem is that I don't know what I want or what I need to do.
So I am lost.
And I'm hoping someone finds me soon, because if not,
I might not be here.

I'll try to find help.
I need help.
Before I am taken away from,

This.

You asked me about my day and I told you it was okay and that everything was fine.

I didn't tell you that I cried in the bathroom from the stress of school and my home life and myself.

You asked me how I was tonight and I told you I was good.

I didn't tell you that I spent my day texting a friend between class to make sure they didn't **** themselves, and that I couldn't concentrate because I was worried about them every second.

You asked me why my grades were down and I promised that i would get them back up and I said that these lessons were just hard.

I didn't tell you that I haven't been sleeping well and I have been staying up late every night over thinking about every little thing in my life and criticizing myself, so in school I was tired and unmotivated to do the work.

You asked me why I call you all the time for ever just the little things and I said that I was sorry and that I wouldn't do it as much anymore.

I didn't tell you that I am worried about you because of how sad and down you get on yourself so I try to always call you and lift your spirits.

You asked me why I fight so much and why i am so stubborn and I didn't answer you.

I didn't answer you because I don't know why.

I always feel like I can't trust anyone.

Even the ones that I love the most.

I'm gone now.

Please don't blame yourself, because I left a long time ago.

I didn't tell you because I think that I was scared.

Not scared of you, but I think scared of how your perspective of me would change.

Because I care about you the most.

There are a lot of other things I never told you, but that's okay.

It'll be okay.

I promise.

I love you.

She was tired
She was tired of all the homework.
She was tired of all the stress.
She was tired of how all these people would ignore her.
She was tired of her brother fighting with her.
She was tired of how her mom would threaten to **** herself and she didn't know whether to believe it or not.
She was tired of no one appreciating her and what she tried to do for them.
All they did for him.
She was tired of her dad treating her like she was dirt beneath him.
She was tired of her dad acting like he was a king, although he knew nothing.
She was tired of her "friends" always relying on her but none of them would make it so that she could rely on them.
She was tired of not getting recognized for all the things she did for everyone.
She was tired of feeling empty.
She was tired of remembering all the bad past memories she had.
She was tired of all her thoughts.
She was tired of messing up.
She was tired of feeling bad.
She was tired of feeling sad.
She was tired of no one loving her like she thought she deserved to be loved.
She was tired of fighting for everything.
For fighting for others happiness instead of her own.
For fighting for other peoples problems to be heard rather than her own.
She was tired of fighting for people already losing their own battles as she was losing hers.
She was tired of it all.
She was tired of not getting answers.
She was tired of no longer having hope.
She was tired of slipping away and no one noticing.
So she thought:
I can end it all.
No more thinking.
No more pain.
No more stress.
She knew it seemed selfish.
Maybe it would end all of this though.
Maybe it would end others fighting.
Maybe it would end all their stress that she knew she caused for them.
Maybe they would all go on to be happier.
She thought of ending it then.
If I leave they wouldn't miss me after a while.
They would forget.
She would forget.
All she would be doing is going to sleep for a while.
Or maybe longer.
She...
Didn't want to.
But she feels
Like she must...