I was reaching, reaching for something that wasn't there.That sense of security with your arms wrapped around me, now but they were idle by your side.
There is no way to confront the reality in front of me.
Your face that once had a grimacing half smirk now turned to a frown of despair.
It is almost as if you vanished into thin air.
Somedays I’m strong.
Somedays I’m weak
and on those vulnerable days I just want to tell you all about it, but how that would be irony.
You’re the reason of all my pain,
so why do I want to chase that?
Why do I think I need that?
I look outside the window pane, just like the the movements of the bus’ wheels turn round and round, so does my thoughts consume my mind, reliving every moment in agony,
WHY did I do that?
Why?

Because I’m better off this way.
I’m better off living without him,
I’m better off not intermixing my emotions and complexity of the situation especially since he's not ready for.
So why waste my time,
if money is no object than why did he flee?
Off in the distance without a t

race.
ethnicity.
We simply were not meant to be.

When I needed a google search to tell me if I was still a ******.

It took a game of dare or double dare to teach me I don’t know repeated sounds an awful lot like yes
and ******* can drop mountains on boundaries not yet built –
serrated edges on once innocent skin

I let you carve me.

Nine years later and I’m still trying to find air in the ocean where it all happened.
I took lessons, but I never learned how to swim.

I remember thinking you must’ve liked me, that was the reason
and returning the favor would’ve made it okay. I found you in my freshmen year yearbook.

But I was wearing a bikini shaped like ignorance and a smile lined with naïve

you weren’t reaching for my heart when you went to hold my hand,
forcibly lacing my fingers like ribs around your ****.

I still wonder if dropping the I don’t before the know would’ve made any difference.

Cold is good

Cold is nice

Cold like winter

Cold like ice

Cold my heart

Cold and blue

Cold my soul

Cold for you

I'm your ice princess

When I think one way
the outcomes are all but the same.
Living with the repetition that resides in my head.

Disappointment
Resentment
Guilt
Shame

Makes me think that they're all right
and imperfectly the same.

Perhaps I am ill
for if I come to terms
what will be of me?

Could I live the my life
suffering alone?
I’d rather live alone
than voice my openness
about my

broken/ness.

I can play
the razor,
you can play
the skin.

One cut.
That is all I need.
I will make you love me
and that will make you bleed.

Blood pumps through a heart,
beat by thumping beat.
That makes them best
to conquer and
also best
to eat.