Dear self
Be kind to yourself
Just like you are to others
Be patient with yourself
Show compassion
Show love.
Have faith in yourself
Even during your darkest days
Believe in yourself.
Be stronger than any storms.

Know that you are amazing
Know that you are brave
You are a beautiful star
Who shines bright and can be seen from afar

Be your own garden
A garden even the wildest flowers can bloom
Love yourself
Be proud of who you are
Fail, learn and strive for more

25
A.Hana

I want you to love me
Like i love you
Without any limits
Without any regrets
I want you to hold me
Like i hold you
To never let you go
I want you to look at me
Like i look at you
With Eyes full of love

Aishiteiru
A.H

The urge to vanish from the face of earth!
The urge to leave everything behind and never return
Has become Inordinately profound.
I haven’t been myself for days
And yet
Nobody notices the woeful aura around me!
The pitch black that has taken over me.
My dejected face
Eyes filled with sorrow
Mirthless smiles  
and
Shammed laughter!
A con artist disguised as myself!

Alas
A.H

An open letter to the one who changed everything

Dear love
Thank you for changing my life in ways I never thought possible
Thank you for pulling me out of the mess i was in when we first met.
I can’t thank you enough for what you have done for me. For us. You saw that little ray of hope within me when nobody else did. You never gave up on me. That little light grew day by day. And here i am today, grown into a person that I thought I never could. Independent and full of confidence. Thank you for being my strength when i was/am at my worst. Thank you for being my my moon on the darkest nights and my sunshine through out the day! No matter how things end up for us in the future you will always be a part of me. A part of my life. I am lucky to have you in my life. And your existence is very much appreciated.
A.H

Holding on for dear life
Restraining myself from giving up.
My chest feels heavy at times, and
I wake up in the middle of the night
Gasping for air.
I feel like i am drowning in an endless pit of misery.
I gotta face the truth
The fact that you are gone.
I know. I know that the tears i shed won’t bring you back
But I never really know what to do
So I chained myself to your memories
Hopelessly hooked on you like a drug
wanting you day and night.
I die a little more with each passing day
Asphyxiated by your bittersweet memories

A.H

How i wish that today doesn’t end.
Cause i get the feeling that there’s not gonna be a tomorrow for us.
I can feel you slipping out of my hands
Breaking my heart,
And leaving me forsaken for an eternity

Be my past present and future?
A.H

Its sad
The fact that i have to beg you for your attention.
It’s sad
the fact that you can’t spare just a mere 30 mins from your 24 hrs for me.
When you claim to love me.
When you claim me as a part of your life.
Maybe i am the one at fault.
I gave you the satisfaction that i will be there waiting for you!
Why did you lead me on like this
Knowing that we weren’t going anywhere!!
Leaving my heart in tears.
Leaving my mind bewildered.
How could you not see?
How much it hurts me
I beg you on my knees.
Don’t play with my feelings,
If it isn’t yours to return.
I beg you to set me free
If your heart doesn’t yearn for me anymore.
For I can’t let go of you!

Bewildered
A.H

I want to hear his voice again.
Just one more time.
I want to see him again.
Theres a name for what i am feeling
But I can’t quite put my finger on it.
How do i describe it in words?
My heart feels heavy.
A sharp pain in my chest
Like there’s a wide hole open.
I need to heal it
Fill it with anything other than the bittersweet feelings for you!
But I can’t
I can’t move on.
How do i free myself from this unrequited love?
How do i rid myself from this torment?
why did i let myself fall for you ?
Swinging between hope and despair!
You were my fatal error!
The one who brought an eternal winter in my heart!!

Bittersweet
A.H

A broken heart for sale
Can be mended
With a bit of Love
And affection
With some Warmth
And tender hugs.

A broken heart
Waiting and yearning

A.Hana

I saw the world through eyes
Which was caged by metal bars.
My only companion was the coal black grand piano standing in the middle of the room.
Music sheets scattered everywhere!
I have by hearted every note in them
Every sonata, Every waltz, every Nocturne.
Beethoven’s moonlight sonata gave beauty to the moonless nights.
Debussy’s clair de lune became my sun on sorrowful cloudy days.
Chopin’s minute waltz reminded me of every passing minute of my grief.
Fritz kreisler’s loves joy was the the burning flame that lit the darkness.
My heart longs for the day,
To be saved by Beethoven’s melody of love.
The melody which will melt down the metal bars blocking my sight.
The bars from my caged eye!!

A.Hana

I saw you falling apart
Your soul leaving your body,
Piece by piece.
Your pale face
And cracked lips
It was eating you inside out.
I knew it wont be long
My heart could not bear the sight of it.
A walking corpse.
I saw how you fought
Till your last breath.
How you stood your ground and never gave up!
Words aren’t enough to describe
How much you meant to me.
It makes me happy
Immensely!
Getting to know a beautiful soul like you!
You could not win the hard battle against cancer
But you won the hearts!!
Cancer
A.H

I haven’t felt this way
In such a long time.
My knees goes numb
Just from the sight of you
That crooked smile of yours
Makes my heart skip a beat
My lungs are filled with the sweet scent of yours.
You leave me breathless!!!!
A masterpiece created just for me,
Only my eyes can admire.
Such a sight to my sore eyes!

Can i call you mine?
A.H

The stars shines for you baby
No darling,
I want you to shine for me!!
Make my head spin with your love,
Faster than the planets.
Be my personal cloud of stardust
Where hopes are born.
Enfold me in those magnificent eyes
And luminous heart.
Be the universe.
Be the air I breathe in.

Cosmic love
A.H

You are always there, never out of my sight.
Few feet away
But unable to touch you,
Unable to hold your hand
I crave for you.
For your hugs
For the warmth.
How am I supposed to suppress all these feelings.
The pain in my chest won't go away.
Embedded for a lifetime.
Cause my frail heart knows that you never will be mine.
Faking smiles so that nobody notices.
Hiding the truth in my eyes.
Drowning my soul with the tears that I don’t shed.

Curved
A.H

Do you feel that? That emptiness inside you. So hollow, like a curved up pumpkin for Halloween.
The overwhelming feeling of loneliness and fear
Growing on you like a parasite.
That’s anxiety taking over you.
Your heart feels heavy and tightened
You try to push your feelings down and keep yourself from crying, but those feelings don’t go away
That’s depression eating you inside out
You know that your sad eyes bothers them
They can’t bear to see
So you fake a smile or two
So that they don’t see you falling apart inside

Dark entity
A.H

Focused on you.
Too busy looking at you
While your eyes wander here and there!
I loved you with everything i had
Spared every minute possible
While you came up with excuses
I do realize now
No one is ever too busy
I am just not important enough.
Not your priority.
You remain in me
In my eyes
In the form of tears.
Desolated nights.
Deserted love.
Empty heart and lonely soul.
I loved the idea of you and me.
The restlessness to my heart, also the comfort
A.H

I have found you,
My long awaited love, but why is my heart crestfallen ?
Face weathered.
Plain like an empty canvas.
No hint of the smile that rested on my face with pride.
The flowers that used to bloom inside me has taken shelter afar!
The rain of grief has down-poured on me,
Flooding my mind.
confusion begins to cloud everything i once felt so strongly.
Yeah I found you, but it seems like I lost myself on the path!
How tragic.

A.H

I don’t see that glow in your eyes  anymore when you look at me!
I no longer see that perfectly curved smile on your lips when you talk to me.
You no longer feel the warmth of my touches.
I can see how you have fallen out of love!
What you once strongly felt for me,
Has long gone.
Not a hint
Not a trace.
I know i am fading from your life,
and there's nothing i can do except watch.
Just an empty shell.
Waiting to be washed away by the waves.

A.H

“I take you to be my lawfully wedded wife ,to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part”

I believed in every word you said.
Sounded so sincere
But little did i know,
That it all was just a mere act
Masqueraded, and disguised yourself,
Behind those meaningless words.
Dying bit by bit
every passing day.
Withering away.

For i not know how to free myself.

Entangled
A.Hana

Ethereal ambience.
The mighty moon
Lighting up the world with its magnificent light
And the twinkling starts dancing to a rhythmic beat
But darling it’s nothing compared
To your grace and beauty

Ethereal
A.H

My poor Heart,
You have been tormented in ways thats never been tormented before
Ohh my poor heart!
I will let go of things that keeps breaking you
You have bled enough in the name of love,
You have bled enough for the sake of love
Now rest easy,
You have been set free 🕊️

A.H

Sitting on a beach
Just us
Watching the beautiful colors of the sunset fade into the night sky
And the beautiful colors of the sunrise paving its way through the morning sky,

I wanna spend my whole life with you
All day everyday making memories.
From dusk till dawn
Surrounded by a beautiful hue of canary yellow
Mixed with a hint of tangerine and crimson

I wanna hold you in my arms
Hum you a lullaby
And make you mine for an eternity

A.Hana

I keep letting my guard down
When it comes to you
I let myself break
Over and over again
Every moment is lonely
My paths are empty now that you are gone
I loathe myself
For not going after
What my heart truly desires.

A.H

Hi. How are you today?
She answered with a sigh, "Deeply unhappy"

I wish I had the courage to say it out loud.

But i am a coward who always hid behind a fake smile.

Living with a broken heart,
Smiling with a heavy heart.
Skies are dark, and days are grey.
Waiting, and waiting
For the darkness to fade away.
Surrounded by many
Yet
Loneliness, my constant companion.

A.H

Saliva drips down my mouth
Like honey drips from its comb
Dreaming only of a tasteful sip
Of that velvet lips of yours
As sweet as the honeysuckle nectar
i imagine it to be.
A gaze from that coal black eyes,
Makes my heart beats faster than a hummingbirds wing.
You stir my desire.
Oh darling!!!
You are One hell of a cuisine to indulge in

Honeysuckle
A.H

I never knew that I could love anyone
As much as I love you
I never knew I had it in me
to give myself away like this
I never thought i'd find someone to love so unconditionally
A love so incomprehensible, so vivid, so unique, so wild
A passion so deep
A need so necessary
A want so strong
I don't know how to explain
What it is i feel inside
Just know what i feel has no end

“My downfall, My muse
My worst distraction
My rhythm and blues”

A.H

Shafts of light streamed through the half opened blinds
The moon in its brimful bloom,
Its silver light washed up the room
Reflecting the light into my eyes.
The faint sound of the gramophone playing Fritz Kreisler’s Liebesleid (Love's Sorrow).
The walls threw back the echoes of the melody!
I didn’t know why tears were gushing along with it.
In a room full of white.
With a music so rich.
A solitary night.
A solitary heart.
Why always play Love’s Sorrow when you also have Love’s Joy?
Maybe deep down
My heart knew the cavernous melancholy henceforth.

A.Hana

Deceived and manipulated
You made me dance to your every beat.
You made me believe that we were meant to be together,
Forever and always.
I thought that i would be safe in your heart
Like a fool,
I believed in every word you said.
I wasn’t the only flower on your garden.
Not the only milky way that covered your night sky.
Not the only shooting star which you wished upon.
Just a rebound
You used to get over your heartbreak!
You led me astray, leaving me in a pit of darkness.
You attached the strings of anguish underneath my skin
Soaked with poison.
And you played with me
Like a master would do with his puppets.

Master of Puppets
A.H

He will never be mine
Even though my heart aches for him
My body craves for his tender hugs and kisses
Yeah, my heart aches knowing that he will never be mine
not a day goes by
That you don't cross my mind
This pain, deep within my heart
like there is a hole in my chest.
My heart longing and weeping
For a man who will never be mine.
My senses going numb.
And yet, my eyes are cascading tears like a melody.
A melody that only i can hear.
A melody that was created from my sorrows.
“What a wicked thing to do, to make me fall in love with you.”

A.H

Those late night conversations
Under the pale moonlight
Expressing feelings without holding back
We shared our deepest desires and our darkest secrets
We embraced each other’s flaws and accepted each other for who we are.
Memories were made
Under the bright light of sun.
The long walks on beaches
Never cared about the sharp rays of sunlight that pierced through our skins
Memories were cherished
When we burned the midnight oil laughing at our own inside jokes till we cried.
Singing our hearts out.
Laying next to you.
Your warm breathe on my neck
The smell of your aftershave.
The strong scent of your cologne mixed with a hint of cigarette.
The softness of your touch.
The soothing sound of your voice.
Losing myself in those dark brown eyes of yours.
I cling desperately to these memories.
Memories
A.H

I told you
About my deepest and darkest
Secrets
Thinking it would bring some comfort to my aching soul
But it only extinguished that little sparkle of hope that was left
My heart truly believed you were the one
And yet again
I have been fooled by my own heart
You mischievous little thing
Never fall in love again
If you cant let go of the things that keeps hurting you.

A.H

I love how you have coloured my life
How you have showered it with love!
How you have become the light to my
Gloomy Sundays
and gloomy mornings,
The black and white
no longer haunts me!
The footprint you left in my life,
the infinite impact.
You have become
the monarch of my heart !!

Monarch
A.H

To the one,
Who guided me through the darkest days,
Who lend a hand when I was in need of one
Who lend a shoulder to cry on.
A pillar to my self confidence
You understood me like nobody else did!
I love how you read me and figure out my moods
How you saw everything right through me!
The one who aspired and inspired me!
The constant in my life!
My past present and future
Darling!!

How can you be my strength and my weakness at the same time?!
A.H

Longing and yearning for your love
For your tender hands to hold me
For your velvet lips to touch mine
To bloom in your garden
Filled with love and hope

A.H
Oh Darling, i crave for you

Longing and yearning for your love
For your tender hands to hold to mine
For your velvet lips to touch mine
To bloom in your garden
filled with love and hope.

A.H

Oh Darling, I crave for you.

I have carried these regrets with me for a long time
I have nested the guilt and buried it within myself.
It’s time to leave them behind
Carrying it in your heart
Could lead you to a point of no return!
It consumes you inside out
lingers to you like the taste of an old cigarette!
It infects your heart
And darkens your soul.
With the power of remorse
Regret is born
It makes you vulnerable.
Making your life a living hell.
Your guilt strangles you
Until you have no breath.
Until you take your life with your own hands.
Leave your regrets behind
Learn to live with your guilt
Find peace within your self.
Come to terms with your inner self .
Don’t let it swallow you whole, don’t surrender!
Don’t let it rip you out of your happiness
Remorse
A.H

“If i were to die, what would be your last words for me?” She asked.
“I love you so very much, and if i were to live another life my only wish would be that i find you and be with you, again & again, life after life.” He said
“What a wonderful thing for you to say. Again  & again. Life after life. Is that so?” She said halfheartedly.

Do not weep for me,
When i am gone.
Do not grieve for me,
When i am gone.
Do not show your love for me,
When i am gone.
For you have not shown your love for me,
When i was here.
For those words that you didn’t act upon,
When i was here.
For all those time you left me all alone
For all the memories that you couldn’t make with me.
You dont get to weep.
You dont get to grieve.

In life and in death
I needed you a million times
I cried a million times

**** ga futari o wakatsu made
(Till death do us part)

My darkest fears feeding on me
My nightmares growing on me each passing day
These Unearthly visions
Makes me question reality
People Moving left and right
Staring at me with those hollow eyes
As i walk by.
I take a close look at their distorted faces
They are not humans
Demons in disguise
I see everyone i love leaving me without glancing back
Leaving me in this pit of darkness full of dreadful demons.
I start running after them
But i lose sight of them
Gasping for breath i stop
Tired and terrified to the core
I look around me
I am in a dark place,
a darkness that surrounds you.
It covers your eyes,
To keep you from seeing light,
Evil voices calling out my name
Demons Lurking in the shadows
I feel them getting closer
I have no where to go
Trapped in an endless labyrinth with no way out

I wake up screaming at the top of my lungs
I can’t breathe
My body feels cold
It takes a minute or two to calm my mind
My heart feels heavy
I have lost count of how many nights i have struggled with this
Demons hunting me when awake and asleep
Feeding on me and my fear,

Loneliness
My constant companion

Solitude
A.Hana

You might find beauty in places you least expect
And you might face something sinister in places that you feel the most comfortable!
There’s no way of knowing what lies ahead.
Conquer your fear
And unleash your heart and soul.

Soul searching
A.H

The mahogany guitar
Still hanging on the wall.
Right where you left it.
Strings rusted, fingerboard cracked.
It’s been ages since your loving hands slipped out of mine.
But it seems like it was yesterday.
A sweet reminder of the phenomenal life we had.
You gently strumming the guitar
Filling our little world with the sweet strums.
Humming along
Twirling around.
The notes you played
Had every colour in it.
You left , but the sweet memories of you still haunts me!
Strumming my pain with your fingers
Singing my life with your words

Strums
A.H

You think losing someone you love is overwhelming?
There is nothing more sad and miserable than losing yourself!!!
To a point of no return
Deep in the abysses
And that’s when realization hits you hard
“There is no escape indeed”

Trapped
A.H

VOID VOID VOID
There is a hole in my heart
A void in my mind
I am stuck
I don’t know how to get out of here
All i see is pitch black
An unfamiliar darkness
I need something to fill this empty shell inside me!
Someone to fill my whole heart and soul with love
Save me from this
Endless void

A.Hana

My heart,
Oh my woeful heart.
I explained to you that its gonna hurt and you still got hurt.
Oh my sorrowful heart.
When will you realize,
That you need to let go of the things,
that doesn't value you.

A.H