six feet apart
echos six feet under
are we rising or falling?
the choice is yours
but we can't stay put
this tombstone doesn't like visitors.
which will it be?

If I could write a love song to myself,
My younger self,
Because it’s the most important relationship I’ll ever have,
I’d say

Dear Gracie,
I know you are in love with love,
But stay true to who you are.
Your heart is strong, gold, pure.
Don't let young boys break it.
The one meant for you is a long walk
down California’s golden coast,
But, beautiful girl,
He’s waiting for you patiently.
I don’t know what he is like,
I have not met him yet,
But, dearest Gracie,
I know he will make you laugh, and
He will hold you when you cry, and
He will name the shapes in the sky, and
He will pick you up when you fall down, and
He will make you feel like you can fly.

Dear Gracie,
Do not give up hope.
Darling, I know you are in love with love
So, love
Yourself.

If I could write a love song to my younger self,
I’d say,
Dear Gracie,
When you are sad,
Keep writing letters to your friends
To let them know you will always
Be there for them.
Oh Gracie,
When you cry
Keep writing poems
Because they give you life,
In the early hours of the morning after.
Oh Gracie,
When you are happy,
Grab all your friends
And run around in the sun.
Oh Gracie,
It is okay that you feel intensely,
It means that you love so deeply.
Oh Gracie,
It is okay if you do not want to look
At yourself in the mirror,
Know that you are surrounded by people
Who love your figure.
Oh Gracie,
In the shower
Sing at the top of your lungs
And it is okay if you don’t stop
To smell the flowers.
Oh Gracie,
Take all the pictures because someday
You will miss the way your friends
Smiled, and the way
that dinner tasted.

If I could write a love song to my younger self,
I’d say
Dear Gracie,
Keep writing your big dreams
On post-it notes,
And putting them up in your window.
Look in the mirror.
Smile, you are beautiful, darling,
I know you do not always feel it.
But you are.
Oh honey,
To me you always are.


Oh Gracie,
Be nice to your sister
Because someday
You will miss the way
She is so much funnier than you.
Oh Gracie,
My dearest, my darling, Gracie,
Be yourself because someday,
You will miss you too.

I I could write a love song to my younger self,
I’d say
Dear Gracie,
Please be yourself
Because no one else is like you.
Oh Gracie,
Please be yourself
Because I love you.
Oh Gracie,
Please be yourself
Because someday
(Hopefully before your blond hair turns white with speckles of grey,)
you will love yourself too.

If I could write a love song to my younger self,
I’d say,
Dear Gracie,
I love you.
You are right where you need to be.

Big pieces of me in little hiding spaces
Rooms
Cities

Minuscule compared to dark vast expanding universe
The atmosphere around you
God, I wish I was near you

The sent of pine wood on that old ripped red and grey flannel
Years of camping
Nights spent in hammocks
Twinking stars

That shooting star
A night etched into the soft surface of my mind

Your eyes turn to stardust when you laugh
Forming galaxies never yet explored
For a brief moment I see a glimpse

Big pieces of me in little hiding spaces

The pieces swell as I get farther away
But they don't grow large enough to reach me
Only, they pervade the edge of my mind
The etching starts to bleed
Real blood
Metallic
Dark
Like a wine stain on my favorite white shirt

You boxed it up for Christmas with a sparking gold bow
I stuck it on your forehead and glitter fell into you eyes
And still it was nothing compared to the stardust they’re made of

These moments
Memories
Swell like a balloon filled with helium
If I'm not careful they fly away
Drifting back toward the stars
Where they belong
In your eyes
Your soul

If filled too full, they break, burst, shatter
I've never been able to collect the pieces
Believe me I've tried

Big pieces of me in little hiding spaces

So I go back to the city
The room
The spot where we would talk for hours
My eyes swell
But fill with water
No stardust to be found
My heart shatters once more

You were never mine to begin with
I have to let the balloons fly free
Back to your universe
Your stars
Where they right fully belong

I fear her.
She throws eggs at her family.
and forces them to tiptoe atop the severed sharp shells.
Like nails they tear open tender skin.
But this does not compare to the bullets she yells.
The arrows she speaks.
Then comes loud insensitive stress-filled words
swirling like a tornado inside herself.
I fear her.
Her breath quickens.
Her lungs tighten.  
Anger is thick in the air.
I fear her.
She hears her heartbeat pulsating,
emotion rising, escalating,
over and over words spilling, spewing out they pierce
her family.
Who loves her nonetheless.
As they walk on the eggshells,
Prancing around the yoke.
This is not a joyful dance.
This choreography was learned carefully, timidly.
She forced them to learn.
I fear her.

She throws another egg, but how was she provoked?

(Commercial voice)
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
The world may never know.

Can someone always trust what they feel?
Feelings are just chemicals, chemicals are just atoms, and atoms make up everything.

Only I know.

This is not a confession. This is an apology.

Dove dark chocolate
Black coffee with almond biscotti
Raspberries and Engstrom almond toffee
Oma I miss you
I’ll see you in 80 years, or so
Have a cup of mint tea for me


Rosemary and Malbec
Ginger snaps and lavender
Grandma why does my dorm room
Smell like old memories of you


I think I left my sunglasses on the dining room table
The last place I saw you
Dyed blond hair, gold necklace, and your sweet soft smile
You gave me your blue jacket
Perriwinkle blue raincoat
Oma it’s raining
I’m making you tea
Dove, deliver it safely to the clouds above me