It’s one of those days
Where the mask is slipping
The only smile I can muster
Is so weak and pitiful
I don’t even try
The pain is just under the surface
On the verge of tears
All day long
It was just a single memory
Tugging on the vestments of our marriage
Unraveling what has already been torn apart
Into a tangled knotted mess
One thought that cascades
Into every other memory
Seeking the truth
In all of this
Where did it go wrong?
Where did I go wrong?
What was the starting point
For the ending?
I come to realize
It’s not the warning signs
I neglected to heed
It was the warning sirens
I didn’t want to hear
The excuses made
Realities altered
All the little straws
Thrown upon my back
Now feel like logs
I know there was a time
When I loved her
I know because it hurts
Hurts that I tried
And nothing really mattered
Not me
Not us
Just her
Now the pain
Is just a dull nagging ache
No longer sharp
I try not to let her cut me anymore
But she still does
And she doesn’t even know it
Worn out
Worn down
Worn away
Not much is left
Good memories?
Tainted by
Unanswered questions
I guess it doesn’t really matter
Did she ever really love me
We don’t share
We don’t care
We don’t dare
Today is hard
Hard to remember
When it was good
Hard to fake a smile
I don’t feel
On the verge of tears
That I don't feel
That I won't let be real
That I won't let her see
How much she hurt me
Walking around
Ready to cry
On the verge of tears

Tears bleed through eyes clenched shut.
Face frozen in quiet anguish but
Shower washing away tears, not the shame.
The one you loved is the one to blame.

Memories flooding back to haunt again.
Tears don't stop falling down the drain.
Heart broken, one more time.
Still here, at the scene of the crime.

Hurt for years, feel the pain today.
All at once, a debt I have to pay.
No where to hide from internal agony.
No where to go but inside of me.

Face the day as best I can.
Plastic smile hides nothing.
My eyes tell the truth, if you dare to see.
The pain buried deep inside of me.

Pain striking my heart,
Like a tolling bell.
When will it find love?
Who can tell.

I walk the streets,
Of loneliness.
How sore my feet.
And I'm lost in this mess.

I live my life,
In a zombie trance.
Never to laugh,
Never to dance.

My wings,
Too broken to fly.
And my eyes.
Too dry to  cry.

My heart,
Too hardened to feel.
My life,
Too empty to be real.

I wander the streets of loneliness.
Looking for comfort.
Looking for rest.
Looking for love.
I am homeless,
Inside.
And there are black skies above.

Cupid's bow twangs,
Broken arrows,
On my heart.
Lovely little sparrows,
Ripped apart.

I am dying.
But have no fear.
I am crying.
But shed not a tear.
I am trying.
But it's not too clear.
I am lying.
When I look in the mirror.

Death rides my soul.
Look into my eyes,
See an empty whole.
See the pain,
The fear,
The anger,
The hate.
See the strain,
From having to wait.

I deny love.
Keep it locked inside.
I defy love.
Feelings to hide.

Buried deep,
Within my being,
Notice the turmoil,
The blind are seeing.
Listen to the screams,
The deaf are hearing.
Feel the heat,
And the cold is searing.

Deep within me,
A fire burns,
Hot an' bright.
But I'm so cold,
In the midst of the night.
I breath.
So I must be alive.
But baby,
I need a breath of life.
Heal my wounds.
Pull out the knife.

I deny love.
Keep it locked inside.
I defy love.
Feelings to hide.

I hear the thunder
The storm brews
In your heart
I see the lightening
Cross your thoughts
The wind whipped words
Held in your mouth
Standing in the eye
Your hurricane surrounds me
Gusts strike me
From every direction
I am exposed
Naked to your tempest
Arms outstretched
Crucified for your love
Waiting to be resurrected
Because I love you too much
To let it die
I know you protect me
From yourself
I wish to protect you
The same
To enfold my arms around you
Shelter you from your fury
To make you whole
In your world
I love you more
Because you need more love
Waiting for the storm to pass

Shuffled like bureaucratic paperwork
From desk to desk
Status "UKNOWN"

Second hand clothes
Second hand love
Second hand child

Words like knives
Razor sharp
Cut to the bone

Dreams of mother
And father
Lost

Cry to sleep
Every night
Years on end

Washing own clothes
Age of 6
Ran away

Signs of affection
Bruises and welts
Didn't want the scars to go away

No voice raised
To defend
Only child

Every year
New school
New kid, no friends

Every year
Sent away
Status "UKNOWN"

Pain endured
Pain hidden
Pain denied

Broken trusts
Broken heart
Broken child

No T-ball
No boy scouts
No father

Lost chances
Lost dreams
Lost hope

Labeled
"The bad child"
Angry child


No one to tell
No one to trust
No one to love

Now a young man
Who could not feel
Loved

Women knocked
On locked door
That I would not open

Who could love
Such a worthless person
So ugly, stupid and weak

Pain of loneliness
Was a darkness
That brought hatred of the light

Cigarettes, ***** and drugs
Helped to hide the pain
But not the suffering

Emotions turned off
Like the flick of a switch
Feeling nothing anymore

Ran hard and fast
On the razor's edge
Of life

Angry at the world
Justice is just a word
To lie about the truth

Fought the demons
Like boxing fog
Never landing a blow

Took many years
To break the chains
To find the light

Sometimes the pain
Burns deep
Tempered steel

Gave up the blame
And the hate
Too heavy to carry

I see the destination now
Though the path is hidden
Status, no longer unknown

They said
"You'll like it there"
"You'll make new friends"
"It's better this way"
Or they said nothing at all
Put me on a plane
Or drove me over
And all I knew
I was living somewhere else
With someone else
New school
No friends
Again
And I
Never really knew why
That kept repeating
People left
Said it was for the best
That I would be happier
But I never was
A child's trust
Crushed beneath heels of selfishness
They never knew
Never cared?
What was best
For me
Just a burden
To pass along
And I
I never really knew why