And so I wait
For the ghost melodies in my favorite songs
To stop whispering your name

the shape of it shifts as we hold on to it, like water
it  f
        a
              l
                 l
                    s
                          throu­gh our f i n g e r s
while we blink it's shine from our eyes.

you think it's cruel
how quickly I forgot
about you
and when I remember
to think of it
I think so too
if no one stays
it's a lifetime of
Object Impermanence
baked in by nature
but nurtured by others
including you

her words make her feel like an imposter
the past makes her feel like a spectator
when he asks her how the family is doing
she wonders if she looks pretty enough
if it will ever be able to cover it all up
he doesn't bother to ask any further
and she gets her answer

she was born a half formed thing
holes in her soul
not enough effort left over
to raise her better
in her gasping wet breaths
she tried to be smaller
but only swallowed more
becoming lovers with her failure
missing the eyes and ears to know
she reached for an absent future
only learning later
she was made in the perfect shape
of their shame

Still looking
For something beautiful in life
To make my heart sing
Like you did

i don't get so sad anymore, you know.
and sometimes i wish i could go back and do things better,
do things right,
but something in me knows it was supposed to end when it did.

you've changed, anyway.

i don't want to say that you're not the person i once knew,
because i'm sure that deep down, somewhere in there, you are,
but i'm a tired person,
and i lack the energy required
to dig down so deep through skin and bone
trying to find the worn out shards of a memory;
the last pieces of the first person to make me feel so terribly alive.

//

i hope you're happy.
i have always hoped that you would be happy.

but i don't get so sad anymore,
and i don't want to linger on the past.

(still i write poems about you, simply for the sake of writing).

//

every now and again,
i'll think about you,
you and everything and everyone else who shaped me.

and it's hard to believe it's been two years.

and it's hard to believe that i have grown,
but i have,
and the truth is that i don't need you anymore.

//

i don't get so sad anymore, you know.
things have gotten better.
you're gone and you don't care and i sometimes wonder if you ever did, but i'm telling you anyway that things have gotten better because i want to prove to myself that it was right to let you go,
that i needed to let you go to finally be free.

you made me feel alive in a way that tugged at my heart with a surprising aggression,
but i deserve better than that.

(a.m.)

for a moment i couldn’t remember your last name.
for a moment it started with a different letter,
was spoken in a different tongue.
for a moment i had forgotten it — that is, if i ever knew it at all.

you used to be so clear to me.
you were, at a time, tangible —
so much more than a memory.
i loved you then and i could say that i love you now but
you cannot love a memory.
not in the same way, no.
you cannot talk to a memory,
nor laugh with a memory,
nor live with a memory.

and so i keep you
frozen in time,
a fragment of the past.

like ashes in an urn i put you on the shelf,
never to be disturbed,
only to be put on display.
i thought you’d be safe there.
i thought that the ashes in an urn don’t disappear because
what more can ash crumble down to?

but today,
for just a moment,
i couldn’t remember your last name.
today,
for just a moment,
you slipped away.

and now i wonder if i ever had you at all.

(a.m.)