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KALIGULA Jun 2018
If I went to sleep at night
would it be alright
If I closed my eyes
To the truth that I denied
Lifelessly laying there I cried
For a father whom I despised
Abused and afraid I wondered why?
You broke my heart and you alone did
How could you leave your first ******* kid?
Trapped in a mental cage and one I cannot rid
And ill be honest it still hurts me till this day
When asked about my father I have nothing much to say
You chose another family, another life over me
Made a child and forgot about her so easily


FIGIVENUS
KALIGULA Jul 2018
Can someone help me find the key to my cell,
I'm trapped and I've lost it in a place called hell,
I'm stuck and I need you to find me,
It's not a place; it's in my actual body.
There are no walls; Just two windows called retinas.
I've been alone, so there are more prisoners; expect us.
Its grown pretty comfortable, so I guess I can not complain.
For I will always be stuck in this place called my brain.
Please don't let me lose my mind ... I think it's gone already...
KALIGULA Jul 2018
Hello, it's me again.
Animosity baring in.
It's dangerous yet, I know.
Running from your flaws just to slip in snow.
And us demons, ready to charge.
We will barge, at large, in your heart.
This is not the me I use to be.
Skin scarred up in places you cant see.
Went from bow ties,
loose lies,
to noose ties.
Hello, it's me again.
The grim reaper a vigilant sin
Should I stay or let her go?
Better yet...
I'll finish her off with my scythe in the snow.
How I view my inner demons
KALIGULA Aug 2019
Melancholy I was before disturbed, the rewinding of time is much unheard

Dashing away you left me cold and alone in the snow .
With no light for my roots, these branches couldn’t grow.

Melancholy I was before disturbed, the rewinding of time is much unheard.

And to say regret would be most fitting; I can’t even stand to eat for one sitting

As the hunger gnaws at my feet like hell hounds

The love I had was lost , now I’m no longer spell bound.
KALIGULA Jun 2018
I use to wonder if there's actually a hell and if there is... what if I'm already there?

I wonder what I did in a past life that got me to be shackled to nothing but pain and misery. What did I do that was so bad that to this day I can't walk across the street without every fiber of my body wanting to get smashed into a million meaty pieces? Maybe I'm just a broken watch that nobody ever bothered to fix and for them, time advanced but for me, I became trapped in purgatory. Except, this purgatory is located in my head. The portal is locked and the key is happiness.

I use to wonder if there's actually a hell and if there is what if I'm already there;
The only difference is that I never had to die to locate it.
Waging war on my head... yet again...
KALIGULA Oct 2018
Two Hearts But A Single Beat.
I lied there waiting and excited.
One hand softly griping your left thigh.
Faster. Harder. Pacing.
I ponder for a moment while I let your warm breath exhale against my earlobe.
“I live for this“.
I love to hear you moan against my head. Tounges’ wrapped within a mess of lips, breaths, and saliva.
I know this feeling all too well. This addiction that I can’t abstain from. You don’t understand me. It’s hard. When I’m close to you my head becomes a jungle. Your presence is enough to drive me wild. I’m ******. You’ve driven me mad with lust and love combined in one. I’m throbbing. I want you so bad and you have yet to know my true nature towards you...
You’re already mine, but I’ve been dying to make you mine in a different way. I’m going to ruin you ... make crawl back tongue drooling for more.
My lust cannot contain itself.
I want to bend you over a whisper taunting things into your ear while I slide ******* in the back and grip my hand around your shaft.... slowly making you ooze *** from the tip... I want you to ******* beg. Tell me how bad you want it, want this, want me... pant in my ear until there’s nothing but broken cries left. Push me away even though you know it’s what you ******* crave the most .. let me explore your darkest parts and lick every crevice. I want you to the point where it’s only our sweaty bodies against each other yearning for another lick, taste, spread, touch.... **** your addicting. This may very well be my downfall.
My love runs deep I can't stop myself.
KALIGULA Jun 2018
I was a heart that was shattered and yet, I still let you cradle me... Since the damage was already done you figured, "Why not add another crack". I wanted you to mend the manged pieces that became of me while, I lathered you in love that not even I knew I had left, in this hollow shell that found a way to keep on beating. But, the number of feelings I hauled was too much for you to bear... Wasn't it?... Wasn't it? Now I know that all people leave in the end.
KALIGULA Aug 2019
I’m a wildfire and your walking into a storm.

Through it all it would be me who you adored.

Like a wilted flower desperately reaching for sunlight...

you got scorned.

Mourning, I left nothing but ash in my wake.

There’s nothing left once you lost everything at stake.

I’m gushing astral blood, can’t one see me bleed?

Or are these writings not enough to make you read.

And so I’ll take ease in the tranquility of isolation.

Maybe I’ll disappear before the face of a nation.

The bunker in my mind is safer then I once thought.

For mankind is crewel and will leave you distraught.
To the people who have abandonment issues constantly loosing people..
KALIGULA Jun 2018
This is the hell I live in. This is the hell I’ve created.
One where the dark consumes the light for breakfast and your shadow from the day follows you into the night.
The kind of hell where mistakes aren’t forgiven.  In fact, they eat you alive.
Imaginable thoughts going to bed with anxiety & anxiety cheating with self-loathing.
Depression breaking into your mind and heart like the police with no warrant.
No warnings.
No sirens.
Nothing.
But this kind of sadness isn’t new to me, I lean on it and it leans on me. The only difference is that even though I let go, it still has a deathly grip.
I wished I could go back in time.
I wish I could be saved.
I wish I could be forgiven.
Even if everyone forgave me.
The sole fact is that I cannot forgive myself ...
For this is the hell I live in. This is the hell I've created.
one day the voices will stop...
KALIGULA Jul 2018
In any second she's ready to die,
Grab the knife, peel her sin, and watch her cry,
Most days she never knows, whether to stay or whether to go.
Cross the street and don't listen to a beeper,
The only remains are a size 9 sneaker,
Lost and confused they wondered where she went
Not knowing her mind had already checked out and lost the rent.
One year goes by and they're sad,
They think of every day they've spent and why it went bad.
Well I'll tell you now and sooner than later
Check on the ones you love, near, far, and even off the radar
because you'll never know if they coming soon or leaving later

— The End —