It was May and I was drunk,
The rain pouring heavily from the heavens,
And the birthday balloons that once hung around the tent were now all gone,
The early morning hours setting in.

I sat under the porch light for a few moments letting a man I had only met a few hours before light my cigarette and tell me about religion until I drifted into a lawn chair and let the skies drench me.

He was saying something about me looking like Lana Del Rey,
And finding his way out of a five year prison sentence,
How we can be both good and bad at the same time, but urge to be bad is sometimes hard to control.

And he was right, so I listened.


"You should come back over here, you're going to get sick sitting out there that soaking wet."
"Am I really that wet?"

I didn't even notice.

He grabbed my hands and held them tightly for a few moments before kissing my mouth.
Still holding me tightly, he swung us back into the rain,
Dancing slow and soft,
Like I imagined at a 1950's prom.

To the rain on the wood porch,
To the rhythm of soft shared breaths.

But dancing turns into desire,
No matter how sweet it is.
I was ****** against the side of the house and kissed deeply,
And I was happy.

He took off his shirt,
Which was followed by mine,
And broke my favorite bra in a fit of passion,
Until we were both naked in the rain,
Laughing.

He took moments to tell me how beautiful I was,
How intelligently I spoke,
How rare I was,

All while the others slept.

I think I fell in love with that one a little bit.

I'm trying to make art but I'm numb.
Lost the flow somewhere along the lines of wine and soft talks among friends
Where I already expressed most things of importance
And took no time to tend to the papers in front of me.
It's okay though.

I don't think I could ever speak so much I would never have a reason to write,
Bits of conversation just get lost in the air sometimes,
making it hard to form the sentences or sonnets.
But I'm so guarded in the places I never wanted to be,
I have too many things I could never tell through my teeth,
And that's when I find myself here,
A tad bit drunk and with canceled plans,
It's okay though.

Flickering lights in old parking lots
My head on your chest
Blink-182
I miss you, I miss you.

Kisses on my neck
On my *******
On my hips
I dare you to choke me,
Don't let me breathe, don't let me breathe.

Radio down and expensive coffee on the floor,
Take me for granted tomorrow
I like how much you hurt me.
Love you forever, love you forever.

In too deep,
Falling asleep,
Nobody but me,
Better not be anybody but me,
You don't have to love me, you don't have to love me.

A pure treasure since she was born,
Deserving to be delicately placed on velveteen pillows.
Looks like that are lusted after
Like line after line of ******* in an upscale bathroom.
But all the pretty girls are like that.

Their red lipstick and lacy lingerie,
Cocktail dresses and long legs.
Swift movements and carefully crafted bones.
They feel their beauty really sink in with a needle full of ******,
and a high that knocks them off their perfectly pedicured feet.
My God, they are so lucky.

All the pretty girls do drugs.
And all the pretty girls get high.
All the pretty girls smile and wave in their size zero glory.

Lately I've been going in strange directions,
I've been going about this all wrong,
And I don't think there was a right way either, but maybe something better.
There's always something better.
I've been counting out all the options and the faults and their placements,
I've been looking in store windows and staring at all the faces I see when I walk down the city streets at night,
I'm just trying to find a way to make this right
How do I make it right?
How do I make it right?
And these nightmares eat my brain when I sleep,
I'm paranoid someone is watching me,
And they know I've been trying to make this right,
When there is no right,
Time to give up the fight?

We have different thoughts when we lay awake at night,
You're worried about more alcohol,
I'm just trying to make you feel alright.

I have been trying to cradle your soul,
But it doesn't help it all,
Build you up to be bigger than me,
And you still feel small.

I have been waiting on nothing so it never arrives,
Falling asleep to neon lights through the curtains,
With tears in my eyes.

You said it yourself,
Timing is everything,
It's not just fate,
I'm always early and you're always late.

****
And you said it would be different,
That you were someone I could adore,
But it's all the same,
I give it all to you and end up torn.

What a shame.
What a shame.
Yeah, you were in the wrong
But I took the blame.

I don't really want to write a poem about you.
I don't want to try to fit you into a group of words, like you were just a quick beautiful nothing that fluttered in my sight.
I don't want to think about how you only exist in my memories now, and that I feel terrible to say and feel that these past three years have passed me by so quickly.
I hate to say my most vivid memory of you is the way your lifeless body lay in your casket,
Your braces still on your teeth.
And how I had to leave my biology class because I couldn't stop crying,
I didn't understand.

You'll always be seventeen,
But I keep growing older.
I keep looking at the same pictures of you,
Nothing new.
I think that makes it feel even more real: when that's the only place you're tangible,
If only in the tiniest bit.

Taking me out to dinner
See the story play out in your eyes,
Said you miss the way I'd lay in your lap,
When I'm not with other guys.

They feel different than you though,
It all tastes the same,
T hey get all tied together,
They're just faces and names.

But you got the lit cigarette out the window,
And words flooding books,
I think I'm getting too old to base love all on looks.

And so I fell asleep on your chest,
In the same car as times before,
Until I woke up to you sighing,
"I don't even know what we are anymore."

Words kept rolling off your tongue,
Escaping your lips,
Like you were holding in all night to tell me all of this.

Said we were always leaving,
Together and then parting ways,
But when would be the time we would both decide to stay?

Now would be my answer,
But you left me on open ends,
So I just paused and you stared at me,
"Babe, are we just friends?"

Give me a sense of normalcy
Back out on me when I feel weak,
Give me something I can work with
Take with me,
There's something strange about you always being in reach.
Take my pride in your hands and don't give it back when I'm breaking,
Keep sending me reminders of all the mistakes I've been making,
Too much kindness in your chest,
You give it all for the taking.
All the flowers and gestures can make me so confused,
I'm waiting on the moment when I'll find out I've been used,
You don't have it in your soul,
I can't see it in your eyes,
Give me a sense of normalcy and spill all the lies.
Burn me like a cigarette on the wrist,
It wouldn't be the first and I'm used to it,
Or you could keep me in love and never make me the same,
Give me a sense of normalcy,
Silence the echoes in my brain.

Every beginning starts in its own lovely way,
Sometimes easily, a quick slip that leads the way without any effort,
And then there's the ones that take all the patience and faith you have in your being.

But both lead to the same place.
And that's where I always get stuck.

In between here and there,
Between the start and finish,
Left without real directions
Except for the thought

Where do we go from here?

And that's as far as I get every time,
While I sit and watch the beginning fade like it never even happened.

My sadness is what keeps me sane,
Welcome back, my loving pain.
I lost myself without you again,
I was just mixed media in a golden frame.
Winter is soon,
I'm so glad you came through,
I am not me when I am apart from you.
My dear, it's been so long, I smiled for weeks,
In summer I reached my all time peaks,
I forgot about you, and I don't know how,
You're the only reason I stick around,
You're the only one I need to keep,
Prey on me until I fall asleep.

She was the kind of beauty that was not to be heavily applied and caked,
She was the kind that rolled over in untucked sheets the next morning with a slight glimmer in her eye, and a rosy tint to her cheeks.
The kind with long eyelashes, and a wardrobe full of cotton striped tee shirts.
She was gentle, sweet, and told ***** jokes on car rides home.
She was the kind of beauty you find in low budget indie films,
The kind that warms the pit of your stomach when she walks in a room,
The kind that didn't strike twice.

Your sleepy eyes and broken smile,
Little messages on my voicemail box.

Your smashed guitar and nights binge drinking,
Smelled your fragrance in my sheets.

Unrewarding look, burned your toast,
So apathetic, let's just go down the street.

You're admiring bagels and counting the flavors,
Ripped jeans and leather boots.

I'm glad I'm not dead yet,
Infinite playlist and a song called 'Robbers'.

You spilled your coffee and smiled,
Horrible delivery of kind words.

I have so many thoughts clotting up my brain, one day they'll probably just **** me, but to you, I'm still just a girl with no life experience,
Barely a person with any real worth.

There's serpents circling around in my head,
Biting at me so venomously,
And you lay your ignorance on my chest like being ten years older really means anything at all.

I'm falling over with uncertainty
I'm trying to get back on my feet,
Until I get pushed back down like I'm not doing enough,
I'm just trying to tell myself I'm not scared,
and you're making it impossible for me.

You captured my heart in the waking dawn of a warm summer morning.
Gold flecks caught in your eyes, shimmering like pixies in the sun.
Running through dewy patches of newly blossomed flowers, I felt newly blossomed too.
Under trees and in between leaves,
I found love in your body and soul, enchanting and enticing,
Throwing my head back laughing at everything you said to me.
And I saw it in your gypsy smile,
That this wasn't to be forever,
But I didn't mind.
I laid in meadows of wildflowers and spelled your name out in petals, until the wind swept them up to some place far away.
The taste on your lips like sweet nectar dripping onto my tongue,
Your hands soft and gentle, caressing my face like a child.
I unbox my nostalgia, piece by piece like little russian nesting dolls as I speak of you now,
and consider you almost a dream,
so long ago and so brief,
It almost doesn't feel real to me anymore.

We were beautiful children
And we grew up so brave,
We were touched by death and heartbreaks but we stayed just the same.

We listen to jazz all night and drink red wine,
Find ourselves adventure to pass the time,
We don't talk much about the pain we've felt inside,
No more bumps in the road,
Just enjoying the ride.

Our love is too strong to carry weight of what's gone,
We find peace in the sun,
And the belief of being young.

Love of mine in the world,
We are one in the same,
You can laugh while you're crying and be childish when you lose games,
We are fine, we are okay,
We are in love,
And our children someday will be just like us.

Boxes on the highway,
Going too fast to catch a glimpse of faces.
This is all I've ever known and still, I find it strange.
Drivers and passengers,
Living lives I know nothing about,
Though there is a possibility I have passed them before, at some point,
And this makes me think.
Everywhere I look:
Ahead.
To the side.
In my rear view mirror.
So many boxes on wheels,
Racing on a road carved out of nature,
Where the rock and trees still remain but don't catch many eyes anymore.
Small, big,
Four doors, Two.
With so many people,
Conversing with each other,
Or thinking to themselves,
And none of them thinking about this.

Her hair smelled of cigarettes and loneliness even while smothered in my affection,
And her eyes glazed over when she spoke to me for too long,
Like she was trying to pretend for me,
But I could always sense the progressive disconnect.
Her mouth smiled with sad eyes when I held her hand through town,
And I knew in my soul that our love was already dead,
But I still let her wander around my life like a ghost for months
Unable to bear the pain of reality.

Everything reminded me of her.
When I went to get coffee on Sunday mornings,
I thought of the time she kissed me for the first time,
The snow falling from the heavens,
The February wind breathing her hair over her face.
I thought of her when I skimmed over the newspaper,
The family circus comics I remembered she said she loved as a child,
Back when we were cocooned under the vast ocean of linens in my bed,
When she still loved me enough to laugh with me,
And her feet lay warm, entwined with mine,
Not so ******* cold.

I even thought of her when I was alone,
How much her eyes reminded me of melted milk chocolates,
All the weird facts she had memorized,
The way she always pecked me three times before going in for the ****,
The way we were so in love.

I am still in love.
We are not.
But we
were.

I see him in the driveway and my heart skips a wild beat,
That white van with navy writing I hardly get to see,
His soft cotton uniform, fresh and clean, just for me.
I just love a man in uniform.
I have a uniform of my own, I've been waiting all day for him to see me.
Lacy thigh highs barely peeking out of my favorite cherry print dress,
I like to be a lady.

When he steps through the door, I follow our normal routine.
A glass of lemonade, I just made it.
A sandwich, I'll make him one.
He seems so unknowing of the desire burning within me,
I'm not like this for just any man.
Of course, I won't instigate anything,
Just watch him from the couch as he works.
I could watch him all day.

I tell him things to make him laugh and he takes his time,
As I would expect,
I'm such good company.
I swallow everything he says like it's my last meal,
Sweet, silky, smooth, like chocolate.
He's so relaxed, yet focused on the task at hand,
And I love catching him look up at me while I walk around.

When he's finally done,
He collects his things and I thank him for his time and services.
Such a nice man, dealing with a woman like me all afternoon.
Just to fix the TV.

I need a new distraction,
And would ya look at you
Your tattoos,
Cigarette breath, and old leather shoes,
Oh my,  
God spent some extra time on you.
The way you walk,
You look so cool,
Rolling Stones tshirt,
Keep it old school.
A wild ride,
I can see it in your eyes,
I can hear it in your stories
I'm sure half of them are lies.
But oh ****,
You got it.
That thing that makes me crazy,
I didn't know what I was missing until I saw you, baby.
I need a new distraction and you're perfect,
There's nothing I can do
You walked into my sight and I can't keep my eyes off you.

So drunk I can barely feel my feet
But let me tell you something:
I'm not a stupid girl.
I've lived a thousand lives before,
I know what's happening.

I'm utterly nervous and uncomfortable
And I feel everything so very deeply
It gets to my core within seconds.
I want you to know that I'm still lovely
Even with my strange habits
And my inability to figure out what exactly I'm doing,
But I've always been true in all my life,
Because that is the most important thing to me.
Everything I have told you is true,
And I hope my words radiate your bones tomorrow morning.
I don't want to scare you away.
I hope you know that this could be right.
I'm not just that girl from high school anymore,
I'm a real person.
Remember that.

Death boy need you by my side
Come and be my ride or die
Even if only for the night.

I've been working all the time,
Tryna give you all my light,
Tryna give you all my life.

I see you in the dark,
A break between the stars,
I give you all my heart.

Come to me,
Like the ocean,
Like the tide,
Take me down and pull me in,
Death boy, I'm ready to die.

I can't wait very much longer,
This yearning’s getting stronger,
I give you all my life.

After the first time I saw you,
Hiding in your black clothes,
Smile on your face.

I can recall every second,
Recall every moment,
Know the time and place.

I see you in the dark,
A break between the stars,
I give you all my heart.

Come to me,
Like the ocean,
Like the tide,
Take me down and pull me in,
Death boy, I'm ready to die.

I can't wait very much longer,
The yearning's getting stronger,
I give you all my life.

We were up in the air,
Or it was love,
Maybe the heat rising as the night set into place.

In the parking lot that glowed with the moon reflecting on the cars,
He brushed the hair from my face with the tips of his fingers,
And cradled my head in his lap,
While Bright Eyes serenaded the night,
Kissing my tired eyes in the middle of all the songs.

I felt specks of lust in my heart,
But more of a sense of adoration,
Affection,
Which is rare for me,
The girl of stone.

I stopped thinking for a good three minutes about how I couldn't offer myself or even a part without the constant anxiety of possible loss,
How the words he would write in the morning love notes weren't always grammatically correct,
How earlier he grabbed my hand without knowing it held a coffee and led it to spill on my sleeve.

He buried small pecks in my hair,
Taking breaths of the floral scent still present from yesterday's washing.

I sat there in the humming of the car radio with a rapid heart beat,
And soon, a feeling of guilt.

"I don't deserve someone who is this good to me."
And while I couldn't think of the reasons why,
The statement stuck in my head,
Forcing me to sit up and stare out the midnight window as if I was expecting a familiar face to show on the other side.

Abruptly leaving was my only option before eating myself alive.
I drove the whole way home missing the eighteen goodnight kisses I ran away from,
And the brightly lit possibilities that hung from the stars.
All because I didn't think I deserved them.
But I did. And I do.

Guess karma's getting back at me for being so unkind,
All the times I've broke a heart,
And all the times ive lied.
I had too much fun for too long and now I'm doing time.
All the glass is out of my head, only one broken bone,
But I still feel broken inside.

I keep looking at the sky and thank god I'm alive,
I feel like throb of my heart and try to push it aside,
I remember waking up and not sure of the time,
Or what happened to me on the passenger side.

It's like I'm cursed so much lately,
Like death is in my mind,
Saying why'd you cheat me like that?
You won't defeat me next time.

Even though my heart feels full,
I still feel so empty inside,
The guilt slithers like a serpent in my gut
For almost severing the family ties.

I know it's my fault,
I know I should be fine,
But I guess this is what prison feels like,
Now I'm doing time.

Don't go kissing the sad girls
They pull you in and push you around,
Make you feel bad about the past,
Que sera, sera
But they won't take just that.

Don't go kissing the sad girls on Sunday night when you're freshly 21,
Free drinks are appealing and so are dark eyes and small figures.
There is a light in a shadow of mystery,
There is heat in a burning heart.

Don't go kissing the sad girls
When you got a good girl that loves you.
Cheap tricks and their crocodile tears  are cute and innocent for a while.
Till they grab your face and kiss your mouth,
******* out your fidelity, what a shame, it was never the same.

Don't go kissing the sad girls.

Sick in my head,
Sick in my heart,
He was something out of a movie,
An angel coming to take me home.
I thought "this could be the one".
He was perfect and timeless,
Like an old Hollywood film.
******* me in and holding me,
Kissing my neck in his father's car.
So much passion between us
Don't let it fade,
Don't let it fade.
When boys go down south,
They don't come back the same.
His lips didn't kiss as sweetly,
His mouth didn't speak all the words I craved to hear.
He had all the cheap tricks in the palm of his hand,
And I was a thousand miles away.
Don't let it fade.
Don't let it fade.
He can **** me in the parking lot,
But can't kiss me goodnight,
"I'm too drunk, I'm sorry."
And I feel like this could be my fault.
Even when he's with me, he's not even with me.
I just look at him like a piece of art now,
He's so beautifully crafted but I don't understand him.
I'm watching him leave more and more everyday,
I keep telling myself:
Don't let it fade
Don't let it fade
But it's already dying.

Don't ask me how we met,
I'll just say "god's will"
It was 2 pm and you were drunk,
And I had just taken a handful of pills.

The coffee shop was empty besides faces I couldn't see,
When you stumbled a little more closely and melted into me.

I think I ordered something,
But we were tired and left,
You fell asleep in my lap,
While I listened to your breath.

The wind moved slowly and picked up the leaves,
Licking sugar off the spoon of love and full moon eve's.

There was a song on the radio that reminded me of your head,
All the madness running inside it,
Too much madness to ever be dead.

I think we got home okay
because we're on our fifty fourth date,
And I'm making my baby a pie,
To celebrate the time we met and managed not to die.

It's weird when people you knew die.
Especially when you're young.
I'm not terribly upset though,
Death doesn't hit me like it used to, I've sort of become adjusted.
But sometimes I think:
I'll never run into them at the grocery store and catch up a bit,
They will never get married to the love of their life,
Or have children,
But I might.
By the time I am dying,
They will barely be but a memory
Deep in the brain of someone who knew them 60 years ago,
Someone like me.
How strange.

I can see the face,
Hear the voice,
But It's all in my head.
I'll never see or hear it again.

Tousled and tired,
She always said weird things after ***,
Always such great details about things I didn't care about,
But I still listened. Mostly.

She was a sparkling gem peeking out of the sheets,
Much thinner now than when we first met,
But her eyes still lit up like fairy lights in the dark.
Always warned me she didn't get attached or love anyone,
But she's a hard candy with a sweet liquid center.

I keep bringing the money back from the casino,
She keeps coming back to my front door,
Always gingerly kissing her forehead before we part ways, as if I love her.
But she's a little bit more than I bargained for.

I'm noticing less and less of a separation
Between the woman in my head,
The woman who stands before you,
And the hungry wolf I've fed.

I keep telling myself,
“To be numb will make it feel better”
But then it backfires on me.
I don't feel anxiety or embarrassment from what other people see,
For what I've done or what pushed me there,
I know, it's always me.

Sitting in bed,
Replaying in my head
Everything I ever did or said,
That wasn't me, but just a loose bolt in my head,

Crawling around trying to find a source
To feed the cravings and quench the thirst,
For attention I wanted and thought I would need,
And left me wondering why I'm never the one to leave,
Why I'm always the last woman standing in an empty crowd,
Because my pride is too strong,
Because I refuse to back down.

I wake up angry and sick with my other side,
That put me to sleep and took my body for a ride,
And I don't care if the whole world forgives me,
Because I can't forgive myself,
For starting the night as one person and morphing into someone else.

Maybe it's time to start over and invent someone new,
Or keep true to myself,
which I've never had the nerve to do.
But being numb isn't real,
When I was just born to feel,
A sensitive girl painted with false *** appeal.

Put me on a pedestal,
Show me off to all your friends,
In your mouth like vanilla frosting,
In your car, Mercedes Benz.
Tell me I'm the best and there's no one like me.
Tell me you're afraid to ever be away from me.

I'm your favorite girl.
I'm your favorite girl.

Watch me like a movie,
take off my clothes in the middle of your childhood bedroom,
Your parents house for dinner is so boring,
Baby, let's go home soon
We can **** until we fall asleep,
I'll reward you for pleasing me,
You're such a sweet boy, it's so easy to see.

I'm your favorite girl.
I'm your favorite girl.

I could be the one you've been looking for,
I could be your dream.
I know when I'm away, all you think about is me.
With the flowers in my hair,
My vintage dresses and curls,

Put me on a pedestal,
I'm your favorite girl.

His hands,
His hands,
He didn't have the right hands.

They weren't shaped right,
They weren't the right size,
They didn't feel right pressed against my body.
His hands didn't cup my ******* with love.
They didn't look like those of a strong man.

I've dreamed of these hands since I was young,
And I don't know why.
I haven't been able to find the right ones.

The right touch,
The right grasp,
The right hands.

I can see the veins,
Pressing against the surface of his skin.
The small lines sprawled across his palms.
His fingers a certain length,
His knuckles a certain size.
His hands,
The right ones.

Man of my dreams,
Only in my dreams,
His hands in my heart,
His hands the right hands.

Babe called me Film Noir
Said my head was darker than onyx, ashes and ebony,
And I was soaking in a solace that was felt with my presence,
Like hot candle wax dripped down the spine.

Film Noir with more than fifty shades of grey,
And messages I liked to leave in his pants pocket
"God is Dead" to deepen his uncertainty of faith.
Merlot on my tongue like a mouthful of blood while I watch him unravel.

Babe called me Film Noir
Said I always felt like home,
Like home was hell and made you anxious and suicidal,
Like a door with nothing behind it.

Film Noir that was art and lovely and terrifying.
And appreciated for it's talent of deepening wounds that were thought to be already healed.
Then kissed them apologetically, stitching them closed,
But so insincere.

Maybe now he's my Film Noir,
So tragically ending our love.
Like broken china on the floor of the parlor,
So precious to look at, but unusable and a waste.
Till the day he took his life
Babe called me Film Noir.

I know you've forgotten about me,
Most people do.
Quick runs into love and they never were true.
I'm a devil in diamonds,
And an angel in dirt,
I was born with missing pieces,
I've been eager to hurt.

But the look in your eyes
Like a thousand knives,
Ripping through all the walls I've built around me.
And the tip of your tongue,
Sings the melodies I've sung,
For what feels like a thousand years.
The things that you said,
Play inside my head,
Like a million counts of reverb.

And it's hard to know that you're just for the day.
What do I do tomorrow when I'm not okay?

It's hard to explain,
Makes me feel I'm insane,
And the look you made when I wished I was dead.
I'm too honest for my own good,
Say more than I should,
And it pushes away every time.

But the look in your eyes
Like a thousand knives,
Ripping through all the walls I've built around me.
And the tip of your tongue,
Sings the melodies I've sung,
For what feels like a thousand years.
The things that you said,
Play inside my head,
Like a million counts of reverb

And it's hard to know that you're just for the day.
What do I do tomorrow when I'm not okay?



And I know you've already forgotten about me

Dragging me out the doorway,
Couldn't ever open my mouth,
I always embarrassed you.

I was pulling myself apart from you,
I was no longer just your daughter,
I was Erin, mostly Air, and sometimes, I was Holly.

I felt your icy breath down my neck,
Breathing down insults you would later retract,
Always giving me direction I didn't need,
Orders,
How I ought to conduct myself.

I didn't need it.

Pulling my arm
"We're Leaving."

Let me go
Let me go
Let me go

Something keeps telling me to let you go,
Something keeps telling me I should have never let you know,
I can see it in your eyes and they melt like the snow,
When I talk about my love for you and how like the March blossoms, it just grows.

The sweetness in the wind,
Sweeping under my chin,
Like your breath on my neck letting me know I'm too deep in.

I don't feel us parting ways,
But I know it won't be the same,
When you're twelve springs ahead of me in these silly games we play.

But I'll feel you in my chest,
When the fire you've planted begins to die,
And you'll stoke the embers inside my heart,
While the winter melts out my eyes.

He wasn't very beautiful, no.
Nothing extraordinary.
But he was everything I was looking for.
Car rides from school have been imprinted in my memory like hands in wet stone.
His cigarettes filling up my lungs with smoke and leaving my brain rushing and wild.
The way he looked at me, I couldn't even tell you.
I never had anyone look at me that way and haven't since.
It wasn't as dreamy and beautiful as I might make it seem,
Still remembering it with my former teenaged mind,
I spent most of my time wanting him to **** me in the cleaning closet upstairs at our after school job,
Or at least touch me, nervously.
But that never happened.
I did however find myself touching him.
Reaching into his soul and pulling him out until he couldn't hide from me anymore.
I made myself his home and stored his thoughts, desires and pains in myself,
Like his suicidal tendencies,
His misunderstandings and anger,
His love for my friend, Katie.
Different than ours.
I felt heartbroken,
Yet so happy as long he was,
And while it seemed unfair
I finally passed infatuation and found love in its purest form,
No matter how unfair it was.

For right now, it's just longing,
With a false sense of hope.
For right now, it's hoping the spring will be able to salvage what little winter left in us.

The grounds were still frozen when you passed,
So ashes you are now,
Into the air like heavy smoke,
with no stone to remember your name.
But we will.

For right now, it's trying to make the best out of the worst,
Parties at your house are unsettling,
8 pm without drunk karaoke,
No cowboys hats,
Just the echo of Mr. Johnny Cash.

For right now, it's pretending.
That loss hasn't made its way into our daily routine,
And memories haven't cluttered into every few thoughts.
Maybe we'll feel better in another six months,
Or not,
I don't really know.

Listening to you talk about someone else
Like a stab in the chest ripping all the way down
In the car after dinner,
With a ****** gaping hole,
That you couldn't see, but I felt all the same.

You were smiling and I was smiling too.
You said she was great and you met her dad by chance, and it was the best one in a long time.
I giggled childishly
And let the wound fester and ooze,
You didn't even notice.

I saw it in your eyes,
It was a love,
And it was different than ours.

When you dropped me off,
I felt guilty and nauseous.
It’s not your responsibility to cradle my ego,
To be my romance.
You told me you loved me and you'd see me soon,
You'd see her tomorrow,
Filling the wound with rocks before attempting to sew it up,
Or at least, it felt like it.

****** knees and knuckles
Falling over in the back,
Cigarette burns on the cushion,
I ripped holes in my jeans
And my face was being kissed.

Got sick halfway home,
Lines of blow and I lost my jacket.
I wish I didn't fall into this,
Wish I didn't jump in.

Felt like the winter and I made a connection,
Except I was dead on the inside,
Not the outside,
But we both looked so lovely,
You could barely even notice.

Find me in your thoughts late at night,
You can't forget about me,
I stuck with you.
I was the lover and the giver,
And I kissed your forehead when you cried
And I never let you down for a minute, I was always around,
But we were just friends that ****.

I got your favorite candy on the way to the movies and I touched your heavenly cheeks before they turned down the lights,
I never spoiled the plot because I know you like surprises,
And I held your hand when you pretended you weren't scared,
But we were just friends that ****.

You walked me to my car and you grabbed my hips,
And I moved with your body and I loved every second of it.
I closed my eyes and soaked in every word you would whisper,
Like you were telling me a prophecy in my backseat,
But we were just friends that ****.

Now I smoke and take long drives alone,
And your real girl's your bed, and you love her, I know, you keep telling me.
And I don't know what I did wrong,
I think about it all the time,
You moved your attention away and I couldn't keep you off my mind,
And I wanted to be your real girl so badly,
I get a pain in my chest just when you wave hi to me.
Just a passerby, passing by me.
I don't know know why you even meant so much,
For god's sake, we were just friends that ****!

I've been circling around and searching my head all night in such a loving unconscious state,
And what a thought it was when I remembered you again.
And your ghost in my body, I felt you like February wind in the back of my throat,
You hit my chest with your fighting fists,
As if to start my heart, already beating out of my chest.

God, I missed your voice and the way your face lit up like a full moon in the summer night sky.  
What a mess you had made me for those few weeks after,
What a mess,
What a mess,
At least I moved on fast.
I don't  want to think about it anymore,
I don't want to think about what could have been,
What could have still lived,
What we could still be,
And I don't know why you're still haunting me on a Monday  night,
I need to get some sleep.
But you're still my everything in my dreams,
Begging, "Please, please, be with me."

You can't go around loving girls like me.
Too young,
Too outspoken,
Too wild,
Too free.
A big heart under fake *****,
Size DD.
I smile so big,
Pour my man some sweet tea,
He can have whatever he wants,
As long as he wants me.

Then I consider my options,
Think of what things could be,
I run away with my heart,
But always keep it on my sleeve.
Find myself in new arms, new beds, new dreams.
These men get lost in brains of girls like me.

I wanna say that I regret it,
But I'm where I wanna be,
Finally happy, finally serene.
So I hold onto him for the moment,
Until, once again, I need to be free,
Wish he could see you just can't love the girls like me.

It was October
He was inside me
I was crying.

Too much ******,
I had to be your heroine,
But I knew I could never save you.

You were suppressed of all your emotions,
The real ones at least.
Telling me lies all the time,
I couldn't trust you anymore.

When you fall asleep with me, you don't keep me warm.
Just a skinny, little shell of a beautiful body
That I miss so much.

Track marks down your arms,
Like little bits of hell.
I feel them and kiss them while you sleep,
Because I love you, I love you so dearly.
I know one day morning I'll wake up and you won't be there.
A long, long battle you stopped fighting forever ago will finally be lost.
You took your last breath, and I wasn't awake for it,
I was dreaming too deeply that when I awoke, things would be different.

I couldn't be your ******, and I couldn't be your heroine either.

I can feel it dying,
Feel it falling like sand out of my fist
Clenched so tightly,
And the yearning in my chest doesn't stop it from slipping through the cracks.

I don't know where it happened.
Where we fell deep.
Was it the couch at my parents?
Or the bonfire at our friend's?
Gerosa's?

There's nothing I can compare to what it has felt like to be in your arms,
In the summer heat and the autumn breeze.
But I've let the winter take over me.

I'm lost and uncertain,
I feel trapped by the cage in which I have thrown myself in.
I can feel it dying,
I know it's me.

I ****** it all up,
I moved too fast.
I tried to be different,
innovative.

They got the college boys,
I got the older men,
And no luxury, just secrecy.
Secrets aren't exciting to me.

I wanted to attend the parties but I was two hundred miles away,
Ridden with anxiety,
Now it's a year later,
And I'm stuck in this routine,
Please help me.

I make art and I watch films and I make myself smile through pathetic realization.
When's the last time I went into the city?
Or someone set my heart on fire?
I don't know and it's killing me.

Where did I go wrong?
I keep asking myself over and over.
I can't find any adventure,
My friends barely exist outside of my own head.
I'm dying inside.

I keep waking up everyday just the same,
A little lonesome, a little pain,
But overall I'm okay.

I lost my job last week,
I've been getting by pretty fine.
All I have is my thoughts now to help slowly pass the time.
I'm trying to give myself a purpose,
Since I lost mine with my job,
And I can't answer the phone and say "good morning!"
Or talk to mike about his new dog.

But whatever.

That's what I keep saying.
When I keep thinking about hurting myself,
And I think "you're not that person anymore"
But maybe I am.
Maybe I am so much so I can't even rhyme about it because I'm dead ******* serious.
I'm wasting my life right now,
God, I am so ******* special and I'm wasting it.
And I fill all my voids with tattoos,
Soon I won't have anymore room,
I'll have to address and assess this situation sometime,
But I guess I'll wait till then,
Hopefully it's not too soon.

There I go rhyming again.
Looks like I'm okay after all.

I love you so much
Even when you sleep
And I can't hear your thoughts
And your mouth doesn't speak.

I love you so much
When you breath soft and slow
When you're driving and singing along to the radio.

I love you when you get so frustrated
And look as if you're going to cry
And you just sit down and look at me
Like I'm the best thing in your life.

I love you when you make me lunch on Sundays,
And lay with me in the sun,
Like two cats on the back porch,
I laugh and you come undone.

You're such a gentle soul
I don't know how you ended up here,
But I crave you all the time,
You subside all the sadness and fear.

You're an angel in the mortal world,
Too humble to ever let yourself see it's true,
You're the only one that can make me feel it,
And
I love you
I love you
I love you

I'm not sure if we ever grow up.
We grow old in our bodies,
Maybe our minds mature too,
But I'm not sure if we ever grow up.

Our problems stay the same,
As they were at eighteen,
Maybe a little different,
But they still stay the same.

I'm low on cash,
I'm with someone already, but I still love someone else.
I'm being pulled in different directions,
I can't sort all my priorities,
I want to help everyone but I can't seem to help myself.

So, I'm not sure if we ever grow up,
Or if we just learn to deal with things,
Accept them for what they are.
I've noticed suddenly we forget our age,
Drop everything to follow our hearts,
Remind ourselves we only live this once,
And that we are  are getting old.
But perhaps, only our bodies are.