Plunging under the surface,
Swallowing water I won't cough up.
Choking underneath.

The sun beams down onto the surface,
It smiles at me, the most brilliant smile.

"I'm ready."

Reflections flicker like quick flashes of pictures
Of myself as a small child,
Carving pumpkins on the kitchen floor with my mother.
Snorting and laughing,
"Mommy, you're so funny!"
This is all I can think of.

The trees look down on me, disappointed, I can see it.
They wave goodbye to me in the warm summer breeze,
So full of life.

"I'm ready."

The pain in my chest is slowly disappearing.
My head is full of endless possibilities, but no remorse.
I'm surrounded by a glimmer, circling my body.
It's so happy, it's dancing for me.

"I'm ready."

And I can't see anymore,
I am just left with my final thoughts.
But I know in my soul,
It will be beautiful, wherever it is.
Whenever I get there, sooner or later.
A blast of sun shining through my broken spirit.

**"I'm ready."

The world doesn't feel real
Like a million of us could fit in a measuring cup
So make something good,
Something sweet.
All the odds and ends adding up to something,
Something that could be beautiful when it ends.
Even though I feel so lost,
I know I have it all together.
Little pieces like a puzzle,
I just can't figure out where they belong.
The wisdom will come to me,
I know it.
Through a cloud, the universe or age.
It'll all be alright.
Someone kiss me through the night.
While I hold a few bottles of wine in my young hands.
Someone hold me till I can think straight,
Someone hold me until I am whole.
I'm finally a real person,
I'm finally alive.

You're a synonym for my worst nightmare,
Seeping through my skin like ink on paper,
Finding your way into my veins, till you're right in my heart.
I've been thinking about you constantly,
Your shy demeanor and awkward charm,
The way your fingertips lightly brush my jaw
When we kiss in my car.
I'm finding myself falling so fast,
Unable to catch the breath the I'm breathing onto your neck.
I didn't think this would happened,
You're softening me with sweetness.
I'm waiting for the night I realise I am completely enveloped in you,
I'm already dreading the thought of separation.
You make me feel terrified.

Half alive,
Fireside,
Overdosed,
I survived.

Drowned in beer,
In the clear,
Pills in my head,
Can't steer.

Summer night,
Candlelight,
Heavenly hell,
Burning bright.

Riddled thought,
Can't get caught
Smelling of sweat,
Waiting to rot.

It's all in your head.

That's what he said to me.
When I couldn't drink another sip of coffee,
Or sit still for another moment
Because my heart was racing so fast,
And everyone was staring at me.
Oh my god, my makeup is rubbing off.
I look so hideous.
I don't want to talk anymore,
I think I'm going to be sick.

It's all in your head.

How could it be in my head?
I'm not even a real person.
Who am I?
I feel like I died so long ago,
I think.
I feel like I'm looking through someone else's eyes,
Just a ghost, occupying a body that isn't mine.
My feet don't feel attached to me,
I NEED TO GO HOME.


It's all in your head.

Is it?
Is it all in my head, so congested yet still racing, trying to escape all these thoughts?
Is it all in my heart, beating like an angry man's drum?
Is it all in my lungs, gasping for breath?

It's all in my head.

It's all in your head.
It's all in your head.
It's all in your head.
That's what he said to me.

I liked you in the center of town where the cars rushed by but we sat in silence.
When my 18 year old body left class early to meet you at your favorite bar.
I liked you when you bought me coffee and took me to charity shops and we'd stare at all the books and records for an hour.

I was 20 years younger, I was so in love, I was a secret.
You were in the palm of my hand, and It was my favorite feeling in for world.

It was fun and then it hurt.

When you pulled away from my heart
The calls were less frequent,
I said "*******"
and tried not to think about it.

But I haven't forgotten.
I still get sad.

That you're in love and I am not
That you are happy and I am not.

I still miss you even though you didn't love me.

I think one of my greatest fears is disappointing others.
But not in the way of if I go to college, my job, my relationships.
I think one of my greatest fears is disappointing others with my looks.

I hate being talked about to others by people who love me.
Giving strangers some sick twisted idea that I'm some sweet, beautiful girl.
People who love you tend to forget about the not so pretty things, the not good enough things.
But I don't forget them.

Because the second I am introduced,
I can see it in their eyes,
Maybe I'm imagining it,
But I can't see past it,
They look disappointed.
So let down.
"I thought she'd be thinner...and more beautiful...oh my god look at her thighs!"
I can see it in your eyes.
In the back of your mind, I know you're thinking this.
You were led to believe I'm something greater than what's in front of you.
I'm crushed.
It's my fault,
I'm sorry.

Floating between heaven and hell,
In the middle of an ocean I've made for myself
I keep feeling so alone,
But that everyone is watching me,
That someone put me on the earth to study my tendencies.
To take me away if I’m not my best,
To teach me a lesson in the art of my death.


Is everything a sign?
Yeah.
And I'll feel when it's about to go wrong.
Like I didn't die in that accident because I bought those kids soda after prom.
And I won't die on the anniversary either,
Because on Friday I went to the club,
And I ran into that lady and thanked her for when she gave me a ride from the pub.


It's like I'm racing the clock and making excuses to be kind,
Because I feel like I have to, in order to survive.
To be polite?
No.
I don't care to be kind,
Well, I do, but I’m also scared I'm going to die.


Prematurely, way too early,
I didn't get to travel or see the world.
Maybe before I hop the plane I'll donate money to a local charity.
So I can have some peace of mind when I'm leaving the states,
That I'm not leaving the world yet,
That I'm in good grace.


Paranoid?
Yeah.
Yeah I'd say so.
But how many second chances until karma lets you go?

Sometimes it feels like all life is
Is a vicious cycle of holding on,
Letting go, and moving on from everything and everyone that gives us some sense of completion.

Lay it down for my daddy in the middle of February.
My head on his chest while he sleeps.
Hearing his sweet soul beat into my ear,
Chanting to me in a foreign language.
All the sugar and roses in the world could never be as sweet as my daddy.
I struck a chord in his heartstrings,
And he felt it real good.
I smiled, he laughed, I couldn't help myself.

I got him up to dance with me in the winter air,
But found myself on the verge of tears when the song neared its middle,
And couldn't figure out why.
But I cried, I cried, I cried.

Lay it down for my daddy in the middle of February,
He knows me so well,
My god, he knows me.
He kisses my forehead,
And forgives me for the poison I have slipped him in between my words,
I'm sorry.
I hug his waist and rest my head once again.
I hear his breaths, long and slow,
While he slips back into his dreams,
And hopes I can't hurt his tender heart until he wakes.

Lay it down for my daddy  in the middle of February,
And hope we make it to March.

I don't look at you the way I used to,
Just see the sleeplessness in your face,
I don't follow you the way I used to,
You were never worth the chase.

You wore out the strings keeping us together with a million little lies,
After years of nearly severing them,
Now I've cut all the ties.

I can't keep reading the apologies, like a suicide note, every time.
Leave you hanging by a thread,
But in the end, I always die.

I don't know how I ever let someone  like you find their way under my skin,
Finally got you out,
Now I'll never let anyone in.

We are not the same,
Always playing different games,
Thought I had it right the first time you ever said my name,
But you were impatient and unkind,
The surface hiding what's inside,
And baby, I don't want that.

I missed you last night when I walked down the streets,
Past the local bar we used to always meet,
Where you looked at me like art and lust radiated heat,
Now someone else has got me beat
And baby, I don't want that.

Laying in bed,
Thoughts littered my head,
While I was under someone else
And you were drunk alone again.
Wish we were a old film where you'd come running back,
But I've done all the running,
And baby, I don't want that.

So ******* cute the way you move,
Like a wave in the sea,
Onto the next shore until you drown it,
Just like you did with me.

Fill 'em up with lies until they're gagging and gasping,
Talk them to the edge until they're finally relapsing,
Back to old habits and old songs that mock their cries,
Got them thinking they're going crazy, but it's you in their life

Tell me again, how you're just checking up on me,
Coming to see if I've been thinking logically,
Have I been thinking about you?
Have I written about you?
This one or that?
Let's make this sweet and soft,
Yes.....now *******.

I've been ****** since I can remember.
Falling into the arms, hearts and wallets of all the men in my life
Who were double my age, but made me happy and free,
However short of a time.
I even loved them without any money.
The ones that bring me to the gas station and gift me,
With cigarettes, slurpees and 99 cent coffee.
Blow him bubblegum kisses from the passenger seat,
And kiss his lips while he drives us along the open highway.
I've only felt comfortable cradled in the arms of a lonely older man,
Whose bed has been empty on one side for years,
As if he had been waiting forever to meet me.
Light of his life, fire of his *****.
So young, I'll never learn.
I would die for them.
However wrong it may be,
However much I crave a long lasting, true love.
This kind of love will always be my favorite.

Don't leave me on open ends,
I don't know how to answer this kind of a question.
I don't know what you're looking for.
You crushed me more than anyone ever could and ever will,
I don't know how I let this happen.
I keep filling pages with cliches about our love and how it was real and how it wasn't real and how I've never been so confused in my life.
I was only fourteen, but god I felt you through my ******* body like a symphony written just for me.
All the beats and the drumming and the saxophone swirling up my spine,
You keep playing for me and running back,
Why? Why? Why?
I'm nothing special,
But you said I'm like the tenth dimension,
But what does that even mean?
You hold me like the baby I was when I met you,
When you had a needle in your arm and my tongue in your mouth
And tears on my shirt,
You really ****** me up.
Now you're in town again,
Trying to mend all these loose ends,
So do you wanna see me or not?
Of course you do.
I wanna see you too.

I lost myself sometime back in September,
I don't remember if it was by the school or in my car,
The grocery store parking lot.
Something like that.

I must have escaped suddenly,
I barely noticed until my chest felt too hollow to pound at the sight of the ocean waves crashing to the shore,
My hands were always awkward and confused,
Not knowing their place in social situations,
Pockets?

I went to a party in November with a plot already in my head,
Tied my white converse together with loose morals,
Too much makeup on.
No time for small talk,
"Don't play games"
"You know what I'm here for"
I don't know why I was there though.


Almost January and I guess I found a way back to myself,
In my own bed covered in blankets to hide the shame
On the phone with Brian.
He kept telling me I was somebody's child,
And what was I doing to somebody's child?
What an odd ******* thing to say.

But I started missing myself more than I ever thought possible,
And flooding back in harder than the rain hitting my window pane.

What can I give to you?
Transformed all my art into love.
I've spent all my time alone writing love notes in my head,
The highway seems so long,
Counting the miles back to you.

I've let all my paints dry and crack,
Letting the colours flood in my head,
Of red, orange, pink and green,
All the seasons I've let you love me.

My words have left the page and come flooding out my mouth,
Broken dams of broken hearts,
Keep you coming back to me.
You said where's the poetry? Where's the art?
I've left it in you.

In your passenger seat, the voicemails on your phone, our pets and our sheets.
I've loved you too deeply to write as freely as I once did.
The boundaries keep me in so tightly.
I'm happy to stay where you want me.
I've said I've got galaxies inside me,
You said show me.

I do in time, more everyday.
Even If it's not on paper or canvas.
I give my art in the form of love.
I love you more, every day.

I was lost out on the atlas
Of love and lust and drinks.
With diamonds on my neck,
A smile on my mouth
And my heart begins to sink.
I don't even know what I'm running from,
I don't know what I'm fighting for.
But I got this feeling in my chest,
Like I never get it, I'll never get more.
It's all rushing to me, when my head begins to swirl,
No matter how many bows or how many curls
I'll never be a little girl.
I wanted someone to protect me from what would come,
But nobody came, and I was so young.
And I've soaked in my sins and my sorrow and grace,
Marked it with tattoos and kisses And unloving space,
Lost out on the atlas,
alone on the sea,
And I can trust no one
But me, just me.
But I keep my laugh and such a gracious hand,
I think things nobody would ever understand,
I'm still happy though, in a cage with my pen full of ink,
Lost out on the atlas
of love, lust and drinks.

Luna, I bet you get this all the time
But Luna, you know I'm not like other guys
And Luna I think of you every time on the radio,
when its soft and slow.


Luna, I think I saw you in my dreams
'Cause Luna, you're all I hoped you could be
And Luna you're an angel sent from above,
Gift from god,
Goddess of love.

Vous allumez ma vie plus que le soleil pourrait jamais

Luna, I know this might be a lot
But Luna, you're the only thing I got
And Luna, you're all I see in my dreams at night,
You're my only hope, my guiding light.

Vous allumez ma vie plus que le soleil pourrait jamais

I can't help but believe
That you could be
The greatest love that I'll ever know.

You're not gonna find it in a few hundred text messages,
Or on the phone singing sweet songs you've written from your head,
I know it's hard, to be alone.
To take months of nights and sleep on your own,

But there's nothing worse than tricking yourself into think you've got the best when you've haven't met it yet.

You can put new faces on the bodies of ghosts and lay in bed like you've got what it takes,
To make amends with the beat in your chest,
Not think about all the mistakes that you've made.

Cover up the scars with tattoos,
Horseshoe giving all its luck to you,
Deep down you know it's not true,
Fall for the boys with same **** attitude.

Nobody can find you if you're blending right in,
Always laughing at the bad jokes,
Always trying to make a win.
You're a cheap trick always down for the sin,
But they don't know just where you've been.

Take them home into your unwashed sheets,
Fall under facade and fill your needs.

I fell asleep last night with her in my bed.
My Floridian princess,
Call her my Miami Vice.
She summons euphoria in a dystopia.
She makes me sing.
I find her so perfect when she lays there in her natural beauty.
So pure.
And find myself drawn to those lips,
even when shes dressed up in lace.
So much power, she scares me sometimes, I love her.
Just wanna hold her.
My baby.
The way she makes me melt,
Until I'm just liquid wax at the bottom of my favorite candle,
I couldn't compare to anything.
She kisses my lips, my cheeks and my third eye, ever so softly.
Then lingers around my head, and my bed for hours until she finally leaves.
While I sit and just miss her.

Maybe this time will be different,
In such a way I could only hope and dream about,
Or in thoughts I fall asleep so warmly nestled in.
Maybe this time will be better,
Then any other love in my life thus far,
In sweetness of Lilies, kind words, and candlelit dinners.
Upon rooftops, cars, and bridges.  
I might be getting too far ahead of myself,
But maybe this time will be real,
Not one sided, not possessive,
Caught up in a ring of smoke, drugs and money,
Of guns, lies and games.
I don't want to be bad anymore,
I want this to be good.
With kisses sweet like cherries on a checkered picnic blanket.
So maybe,
Maybe this time will take a bit more than the others,
But maybe this time will last.

Oh my,
Tell me what it's about this time,
Said you're just saying goodbyes
To the ones that loved you that you never really loved back.
Good times,
Hanging out the passenger side,
In the cold wind and Christmas lights,
When you took me by surprise.

You said "I'll never find another,
I'll never fall asleep,
I'll never have a dream,
And wake up wishing you weren't next to me"

And now you got a love,
No one could break apart,
"Just letting you know that you're somewhere still in my heart"

It's fine,
Treat me unkindly so kindly in the middle of the night,
You're right.
It was never perfect maybe it wasn't worth it,
Maybe it was the wrong time,
Or it played how it should,
I never thought you would
Be leaving my side,

But you pulled me again,
Leaving questions in my head when you said

"I'll never find another,
I'll never fall asleep,
I'll never have a dream,
And wake up wishing you weren't next to me"

And now you got a love,
No one could break apart,
"Just letting you know that you're somewhere still in my heart"

Leave me cold and blue while you're  burning red,
Get it off your chest,
Keep it out your head,
Find a way to relieve what we've come to be,
I'll just say it was bad time to keep myself from still believing you said

"I'll never find another,
I'll never fall asleep,
I'll never have a dream,
And wake up wishing you weren't next to me"

And now you got a love,
No one could break apart,
"Just letting you know that you're somewhere still in my heart"

Ethereal feel,
Bright lights,
*** appeal.

Tattooed chest,
Short dress,
Trying to impress,
Took too much,
I'm a mess.

Laughing too loud,
Escaped the crowd,
Numb limbs,
Dancing way out.

Nineteen seventy five,
So alive,
Apprehensive about the drive.

Talking out of context,
I forget what comes next,
But that song is ******* cool,
Goodnight text.

He said, "Tell them you love them"
But I don't know how,
The words never follow through,
Just always foaming at the mouth.
Like a dog in the heat,
But it's me in his sweater,
Give me one last change to try to get it together.

He said, "Try harder" to me,
But I don't know if I can,
All the pounding in my chest and the weight in my hands,
You know it's harder to be,
Something that which takes effort and time,
Something that'll resemble the girl in the back of your mind.

I'll be a whiskey and a fire,
A burst of burning light,
I'll be the dullness in old dresses
Or your cloudy starless night.

He said, "You need to relax"
And maybe he was right,
Maybe I was holding onto words too tight,
And I could fall into his dream,
And finally breathe,
Bend my bones into the beauty I knew he wanted me to be.

The moon was hidden,
And the sky was missing any sight of stars
Or a glimmer of hope, in this case.

Walking into the room with the anxiety of falling back in a chair, awaiting inevitable pain and wishing I had taken the time to be careful and avoid this.

I keep thinking it's wrong to hate seeing you with someone else,
And the way your face lights up at the thought of someone else,
How you get your haircut and clean your entire house for someone else.

And the lights that flash,
And the music that blasts
Can’t deafen me or blind me from the fact that
I can feel the lump in my throat wrap into a swift breeze of nausea when she wraps her arms around you and kisses you like I'm not there at all.

I told you she was so pretty because I wanted to be kind,
You might be more apt to love me more if I was kind right?

I settled in the back and drank all the drinks,
And took off my glasses in the hope that blurring the sights would make them not so real,
But alas, the pain was there and was real already.

Too much to dissipate with the removal of glasses,
Just staring at blurry black shadows and smiling a look of extra approval when you turned around.

And I can never let you know,
Because I'm not a selfish person like that.
It's called love, not possession,
So I’m having to love you from across the room, and possess only the overworked smile smacked across my face.

Because I don't want you to be unhappy,
I just wanted you to be happy with me,
Not somebody else.

Nodding your head and smiling,
I could watch that body all night,
Under the dim flashing lights,
All the noise disappeared aside from the saxophone and the vibrations of cool jazz.
Swaying, swaying.
Until you lean your head back,
As if sensing extreme pleasure,
You let out a soft cry
Then kept swaying, swaying.
Got a cigarette in one hand and a bottle in the other,
Gotta love the way you got your own thing going.
Take a drag and a swig,
Soft laughing at yourself
And keep swaying, swaying
Till they stop playing.

There's a girl with curls in her hair,
Smelling of cigarettes and ice cold air,
I'm sure you've seen her before,
Maybe in a message of tea leaves,
While she's been living in the lines I write,
And in the threads of my seams.

She's a creature of the sea,
Washed ashore in a dream,
Living life that's unkind to her,
But unkind to everyone it seems.

She's careful and careless,
Articulate and aloof,
She walks along my collarbones at night,
Leaving no footprints for proof.

There's a girl with curls in her hair,
Smelling of cigarettes and ice cold air,
She's the sun to my earth,
She's a small crying child,
She's the tangy sweet juice,
From an orchard on fire.

I'm constantly giving mixed signals.
I told him that I loved him,
That I missed him,
And that I needed space.

Pull him closer when he goes away,
And push him back once he's close.
I'm surprised he hasn't called me on it yet.

I've got him in the palm of my hand to either hold him next to my heart
Or forget until it's convienent.

Sometimes I catch myself so sunk in his thoughts and his smile,
And other times he's just another pulse in the room.

He gets so torn up and keeps running back.
They say you hate the sin but love the sinner,
And I think that's how this is.
He doesn't understand me and is dangerously intrigued.

I can't tell if it's all in my head or all in my heart.
They give me mixed signals, and I give them to him.

Mr. Jim Beam,
He gets me,
On a Saturday night when I'm all alone, on the phone, he gets me.
He makes my chest feel warm
When he says, "darlin, I know today's been long."
Yeah, honey, it's been long.
He takes it slow,
His words flood through me like a steady pour,
Then he comes rushing in like a summer night storm.
He fills my head with dreams and soul
And I sing for him till I can't sing anymore.
Mr. Jim Beam,
Tonight it's just him and me.
I never  regret his company.
I'll probably call him tomorrow and the next day too.
He's so sweet, he loves me, he loves everything I do.
He's quick and loyal,
I know he'll always be there for me,
Just to see me smile, I'm his world and I know it.
Mr. Jim Beam and me,
The only thing in the future I can see,
Nights like this are all I'll ever need.
He's all I'll ever need.

I’m missing you near
Wish you were here,
I'd send a postcard to my first love.
Down below,
So as above,
Always the best when push comes to shove.  

Everyone says
That it comes in waves
Now it's crashing and covers my face.
Ashes in jars,
All that you are,
My beautiful boy, what a waste.

If you were the wine,
I'd have a taste,
Stuck in the maps and still misplaced.
If my love didn't die,
You'd still be alive
And we could get out of this place.

My heart calls to you,
With notions of gloom,
Locked in a room, in the dark.
The clock and the time,
They fall out of line,
Eternity has no ending or start.

Everyone says
That it comes in waves,
Now it's crashing and covers my face.
Ashes in jars,
All that you are,
My beautiful boy, what a waste.

I'm starting to get distant again, it's scaring me.
But what's scaring me most is that I'm okay with it.
I'm sitting in my hole of depression and am no longer struggling to climb out.
I've accepted that this is my life.
A big cloud over my head, but this won't last forever.
It gets better.
The sun will come out and shine upon my hair,
Like a new life, the one I had forgotten how to live.
For the first time, in a long time, I will be happy again.
But I'll always be stuck in my hole, unable to escape.
I know the clouds will come back, they always do.

I feel so much better,
On another planet, in another universe,
Not on the couch, after too much wine,
Or in the car, too high.
Watching all their faces,
Watching me,
Look at me,
Look at me.
I lack the the understanding of reality.
Chasing after the stars in the trees,
I am the grass, the flowers all smiling.
I am young but I am distant from the thoughts I was born into,
Just looking at them look at me.
Look at me,
Look at me.

A hard pill to swallow,
crushed up and snorted,
and taken bitterly like cheap motel coffee,
What a way to start the day.

I didn't think the last time I kissed your lips would be the very last time,
That you would shove me aside for someone half decent, and a dull flamed heart.
And that's when I think:
I am trying too hard.
There is still time, there is still time.  
I've got an hourglass in my head and my heart pinned to my sleeve,
My chest pounding with anxiety and I attribute it to butterflies and give all my love to some strange boy with flowers in his hands,
nothing worth falling for.
I reward myself with a sour taste in my mouth and a thousand metaphorical knives in my stomach.
It's okay, it's okay.
All wounds heal in time,
There is still time, I know.

Took the night for myself,
Spent it in a basement full of liquor and people who's faces I've barely come across.
You couldn't find the time or the reasons to see me until I didn't care anymore,
Only a handful of exhausted excuses.

Twelve o'clock with Piper,
Cigarettes on the front porch,
You were calling my phone,
I was too busy to answer.

And if you thought I was yours,
You were wrong.
I hope you know
I don't want you to put in more effort now,
I don't want you anymore,
Now you're on your own again.
I'm kissing your friends.

Black and white filmography
Sky fallen melt away cotton,
Still at sea level, but in the pines.

Collect the sticks we'll put together
Build a fire in our newly white cathedral.
Tobacco and lavender soaked up in the fabrics that embrace me.
Some cinnamon too.

A song called Holocene made me cry when I heard it,
I don't know what it was about though.
White noise and blank space,
So so much of it.

Warm inside and it's cold out there,
Raw hands from my constant smoke breaks in the wind ,
Meat and potatoes,
Bread and milk, love.
I don't know when we're getting into town again.

Everyone's looking for love.

To be that cute couple in the coffee shop sharing whipped cream kisses,
With "Good Morning, Love" wake ups,
Anniversaries and flowers.
Sweet love notes, gestures, and uncontrollable smiles.

Not me.

At this point, I'd much rather be lusted and longed after,
So I can run away and be someone's only thought for a the next few weeks until they finally realize I really am not coming back.
I'd much rather cancel last minute on a hopeful young heart instead of showing up and making a real effort to love somebody.

I don't want to do it.

I don't want to be romantic, sweet and kind.
I don't want to be charming, blissful, and whole.
I don't want anyone to be my Sunday rest, my ocean breeze or my favorite holiday.

I can't do it anymore.

I listened to the album we used to listen to for the first time in years.
Hard to admit, but my eyes burned a little
Trying to hold tears back.
I can still remember the smell of your car,
A mixture of those tree shaped fresheners
Cherry, new car, pine
And cigarettes that "weren't yours"

"You can shut it down, down, down..."
This was my favorite song, I think it was yours too.
This is the one that brings it all back.

These lyrics were stupid and sounded forced,
But we gave them some meaning, I suppose.
I hadn't listened to them since the day that you left
I think the CD was still in your car when they brought to the junk yard.
It all happened too soon.

It's weird.

In high school you feel invincible.
And I know that everyone says that but I didn't realize until after.
We didn't have any plans for the future and we didn't care,
All of us.
We thought things would stay good forever.
And then nothing was the same.
All we really have left are our memories,
Not even the CD survived.

Haha.

I fell into the thought that I was nothing,
That nothing would get better,
The mind controls all.
I'd been told many times, "what we think, we become."
And it's true,
I was becoming less
And less,
I was becoming nothing.

I didn't walk poised,
I walked unnoticed.
I didn't work with pride,
I slipped under the radar,
Good enough,
I guess,
Better than nothing.
But almost nothing.

I didn't start conversations,
I didn't contribute to them either.
I said nothing.
I didn't answer calls from friends,
I stopped replying to texts from worried family members,
They received nothing.
I couldn't consume rich foods on holiday,
I couldn't gain anything.
I couldn't look my parents in the eyes anymore,
I was such a **** up,
I was nothing.

Missing the simplicity that summer gives us all, the warmth of the sun, and the way it makes us feel like we have more time,
The way we hold our heads up like sunflowers toward the skies and kiss the winds that blow away in the afternoon breeze.

But still understanding that change is needed for any growth, whether it be out in nature, or within ourselves,
The way the leaves need to transform into their crimson beauty and the crisp air gives them their wings to fly.

The way the things in our lives seem to come to a sudden end until we fall into the spring.
But we become more thankful for the flowers when we haven't seen them blossom for months,
We forget the ones that grew so tall last year.

These ones are much more beautiful.

Sometimes it's something like "your next boyfriend..."
And other times it's something like "it's lucky you're with me because..."
Blurring the lines of what secrets your heart has been telling your head for months.

Trying to stay quiet and not scare me away,
Just keeping me close to your chest on the sofa while the indie films play,
He said I never talk too much about forever,
because life always gets in the way,
Even though I don't want to be together,
I still want to kiss your lips at the end of a long day.

And I can't tell you these things because I know you feel me inside you,
How I told you all those things,
Now just sitting on your couch would remind you,
Of my kisses and indecision that you caught onto so fast,
And the way I can't seem to leave things in the past.

And I know you thought you could save me,
And you could another time,
When I'm not so unsure of myself and love isn't such a climb,
I keep spending the early hours of the morning alone singing songs
"When are you going to realize it was just that the timing was wrong?"

Time doesn't heal wounds,
The wisdom that comes with time does.

He said he respected me too much
too take a conversation in unwanted directions
And I didn't try to argue with that.
He was the only guy who ever told me he respected me enough to treat me like the lady I was,
And not just a woman's body,
Or almost nothing
Which made me both happy but sad,
That in my twenty years, he was the only one to think of me as more than just a stupid girl.

Souls have no meaning here,
This is reckless behavior.
In the wrong places,

I am impatient and let the future get blurry.

I cannot make a decision at this point in time
If I am okay with the fact I carry no value to the one I let hold me.

I am laying exhausted next to someone
Who does not love my thoughts,
And brushes over my words with his own.

I am restless next to someone who's parents and friends I am not allowed to meet,
And leaves empty beer cans scattered after a night with his boys.  

But it doesn't feel as terrible as I thought it would.

In a darkened corner,
Maybe half past 9,
Perhaps even later than that,
But I lost track of time.

He was beautiful and strange,
He was sitting at the bar.
I stuck out my tongue said, "buy me a drink."
Who knew he would take it so far.

Something came over me
Like a warm blanket on a cold night,
I was falling asleep,
But still walking underneath the glow of streetlights.

Stumbling around the neighborhood,
Yeah, I know it was a mess.
He held me close to his heart,
He just wants to see me undress.

There was blood on the sidewalk, there was ***** in my hair,
There were people holding onto my hands.
Trying to keep me there.

I said, "He just wants to **** me"
They said, "He's just trying to kiss you."
I said "He's trying to **** me,"
They said, "I wish I had that issue."

And then I was home,
Somehow and someway,
Feeling drained and disgusted,
I slept the day away.

Feel like a ghost
In the background of your life,
Trying to bear me the weight of the truth,
And you tell me it's fine.

When I'm so focused on your face,
Like the camera lens,
And you're always staring into space,
Forgetting to "love me too" in front of your friends.

Like a good cup of coffee
Sitting on the counter for too long,
Now you're bitter and cold,
Now you're coming off too strong.

Thought I could be good for you,
But it's not the first time I've been wrong,
You just like to lay me down to the sound of indie rock songs.

Yeah, nobody said that love was easy
But they never said it'd be this hard,
Looking at you feels like looking at a loved ones face
On a laminated memorial card.

You're a selfish lover,
Waiting at the end of the bed.
Guess we're done,
You finished.

Felt something inside me that wasn't love,
Wasn't pleasure but warmth.
Here comes the uncertainty,
I need forty seven dollars even.

Taking a shower,
Trying to burn off the sins,
What an unfortunate event.
Stop taking off your shirt.

She was New York in the winter,
Paris in the summer,
Los Angeles in spring
And
Boston in the fall.

Just beautiful.