I miss who you were

The circus is back
Flashing lights in my head,
Feeling petrified to sleep in my bed.
Blaring voices and commotion all through the night,
Even your presence gives me a ******* fright-
But you’re my panic alert
I see you and adrenaline gets to work,
then I can’t sleep
Wishing you’d leave me be-
You’re supposed to be my safety net,
My father, and my friend
But all you do now is scare me to death,
You’re driving me round’ the bend.
This isn’t the way to live my life,
I’m petrified, now I sleep with a knife
And pray to some fake god that I’ll make it through the night,
Because the hate that you show us just so isn’t right.
Please leave us alone because we’re fearing for our safety,
Panicked that you’re hiding in the attic waiting to **** me.
Life is pale now and my skin is too,
I’m scared that I’m gonna die because of you,
Fainting with fear whenever you’re near,
And smoking enough to tranquillize a deer,
I can’t go on like this,

And you can’t either

Why can’t we just leave all this behind and go for a beer?
It brakes my heart to see what you’ve become

Edward,

I see
           You
Withered
Rope torn neck
Blood shot eyes
             You
With Rotten fingers
With a Chelsea cut smile
         And you
With your insides spilled on the ground
        Purple neck
Bruised
And a chair that was high
And a ceiling that held you at your weakest moment
You wanted to bruise your immortality
You wanted to fly
Look at me now
Dying for you
Cut
Cut and cut
And ridged sides
And blood soaked sheets


And I see you
Dead
Dead dead
Dead
Seeing something new
You
With a black tongue
Oozing from your mouth
Blood and gauze
Barbed wire stapling you to me
And I’m cut
Bleeding from every pore
Every seem
And I cut
My wrist
My thigh
And still you are
Dead
Dead
Dead
And I wish too to be
Dead,
Dead,
Dead.

I see
You
Teeth dangling from your gums on strings
And sewn up eyes
And peeling skin
Flaking ash over me
Burning me
Plaguing me with sores
War torn face
****** creature
Worm infested
And mildew
Drenched with blood
Spilled
From me
From my wrist
And
You
At 18
With dead eyes
And dead skin
And a dead body
And me
At 16
Dying body
Bleeding wrist
Broken soul
Smouldering in your fire.
All
Dead,
Dead,
Dead.

I splash my blood across my father's new *******


a woman now



his liver is thin

and his new lover


(he is whispering as he rapes me)


is an image of my brother


remove his cartridges alone and place the bullets in my heart



my mother cries

and my father mumbles to himself



i rise from the grave

remove my father's gums

i place my teeth in his mouth

and i collect sinew from my unborn brother




i order my father into the ground

i dash his newborn's face into a **** stained alley


i ask for my father's
full name, date of birth
and
his mother's most exciting fetish


with another larvae from my father's womb


another show of strength
here now i have absolute strength

..

a man came to me as a child
and that same man told me

enter me and you will love nothing but me

..

my mother and my father become a new awe.



into the soil a beautiful odor blossoms


where there was a palm of lilac,
a scene of gore.

and

where was an earful of ichor or
crested display of lilac?



my mother and i cry on her grandfather's grave


it is my first day free from prison
a great very loud exclamation


i remove what i feel to be an artery from leg


high up
above the knee
above the thigh


near my groin i bleed


and my mother does not see my pain



a
change of tone


a
change of pace



the undertaker is *****
the commitment is difficult

alas pride beckons
truth denies me



my own blood speaks and disgusts me



closing of my legs in 2029


with my father's ******* between my teeth

with my father's teeth swirling around my tongue

with my brother's cord now inside me

with my mother's tears on her grandfather's grave


with my unborn brother.


III.


with my son
with the one i love



IV.




i enjoy the moment
i do not splash my blood across my father's *******

i do not ingest my unborn brother


a
change of tone
a
change of pace



i am not released from prison.

i have not been released from prison







a second part beckons.







i continue consuming serpent's droppings.

my spider's egg-sac continues singing.


a terrible wave of violence.


my father's teeth swirl over,  altogether across my tongue.

into my pallette.

my new-york strength fighting.


a terrible wave of violence.








my father's new ******* between my teeth
and my splashes of blood on his hand-me-down mantle.

I.
i stopped eating again; ridiculous, i know. i can see myself telling you this, i can see your reaction clear as day. i can

see your chest rise, see your eyes fall, i

remember the way your body moves after all this time. i know the curve of your lips. i know the dimples on your back. i

know what you’d say if you knew everything ive done since you left me. id swallow your silence with toast to keep my tummy from aching; id wrap myself up in your pity like gauze and reflect on my faults while you stare at me through the hair in your eyes that’s growing oh-so-fast because

i did exactly what you told me not to do the last time we talked. im comfortable with the fact that ill never be able to tell you ‘cause

i know you know, id recognize the feeling of your eyes on me anywhere. i think of you when it hits the back of my throat and i laugh when i gag ‘cause i know you would too.

II.
i check the clock and it’s 3:45; five minutes pass and it’s 6 in the morning. time isn’t concrete like a lot of things aren’t and now i snort when i laugh ‘cause i got used to the feeling, sharp inhale, drag forward slow, if you saw me like this you’d just laugh in my face and

i take a drag at 5:34. 40 minutes pass and it’s 5:46. time isn’t concrete like a lot of things aren’t and i wonder if you’ll remember my birthday this year ‘cause im turning 16, ill never catch up to your 17 years. if you saw me like this you’d remind me im stunting my growth .

In a crypt for the undead
Turmoil awakens
And you cannot even let me rest
In the grave you burried me alive in
I don’t want to remember you
But your ghost dances
around my head
And I’m stuck here forever in this tomb for the undead
will you ever let me sleep?
I feel like I’m living i  n        A        D   r   e  a  m

She dances in the roses
feels him in the air,
he gives her all she needs
for his love is always there.

It surrounds her like the scent
of the beautiful rose she wears,
he always hold her close to him
so she always knows he cares.

She won’t ever let go
she promised him that,
for the trust she has in him
is a trust that will always last.

He’s her dream
that beautifully came true,
now they dance in moonbeams
as their rose scent dreams come true.