i cant tell
if you
actually
have power over me,
or if i allow you too.
sure right now,
you have at least a little,
but in 1 year? 2?
ill be 16
ill already have
a
foot
out
the
door.
but,
of course
"thats fine by you".
you beg and plead
"dont pull away."
sadly,
daddy,
im not pulling as
much as you are
pushing
im ready to walk away-
mentally-
will i be ready to defy you in a year.
will i have the courage?

you are less ignorant than yesterday, but still more than tommorow.

ive been in bad places before.
ive been in amazing places before.
and im not really sure where i am right now.
black is my bad, white is my amazing,
and right now all i see and feel is hazy.
of course i see color - those of you who dont understand me-
i see the brown and green of the trees, the yellows and reds of flowers.
the heavenly in-betweens that have no name.
yes i see those but you dont understand what i am trying to convey,
i feel a darkness, and black hole swallowing up, trying to take my existance,
but i feel a lightness, an open-ness, something so calming...
but now? now i am gray.
i cant tell if i feel sad or mad or anything negative,
i cant tell if i feel happy and excited or anything positive.
so i am gray, i am a mix i am in such a strange state.
so i am not sad, and i am not happy.
i just simply am.
and i am okay with this.
i dont have to ask why i am sad,
i dont have to wonder how long i would be happy.
i am simply in between...
i just simply am.

i will always love you
but im so tired of mourning you
like your dead
so im doing it,
this time im doing it for me
not because i believe that you will
be happier if i move on
but
because i know that i'll be happier
if i move on...
im sorry,
but i cant do this anymore
Love, its been a year
and sadly,
its so clear that you feel nothing for me
so
this
is
goodbye
to us
as a couple
and hello to
our friendship

shes an amazing person
she doesnt deserve this
shes one of my bestfriends
and im here only one
as i cried from the pain she felt
he asked what was wrong
and all i could do was lie
'nothing im perfect...'
when all i wanted to do was
ask him to hold me
even just for a day

boy meets girl
fall in love
live happily ever after.
so... cliché right?
wrong
1 out of ever 2 marriages end in divorce
and
1 out of every 2 marriages have had a spouse cheat..
so when you think happily ever after is cliché, think again.
in 5, 10, 20 years people won't even want to get married.
would you?
knowing that you have a 50% chance of divorcing 'the love of  your life' and even if it doesn't end in divorce there is a 50% chance that you will cheat, or will be cheated on?

i want people to want me
i want attention
i want to have the best high school experience
i want someone to hold me
i want someone to love me
i want to know who i am
i want to be me
i want to be noticed
i want to be liked
i want to be loved to the most extent
i want
i want
i want
i want to die sometimes
but does 1 want override more than 10?
i want to understand.

Drowning,
I am Drowning.
As water fill my lungs,
There is a pounding.
As my life comes into perspective,
and i FINALLY understand.
Stupidly, my last thought is:
"Oh, I am finally dying."

L oveless
I nfectious
F earless
E mpty
-
I solated
S uffering
-
N otorious
O ver-rated
T erminal
-
W oeful
O dible
R uthless
T ime-consuming
H ateful
-
L onely
I ntoxicating
V icious
I illaqueates
N narquois
G leek
--

maintenant je prendrais le dysfonctionnement d'un M. Grey, se il ne aimerait moi.

*(right now i would take the dysfunction of a Mr. Grey, if he would only love me.)

no one really understands...
i feel fat, huge, disgusting, to  the point that i am uncomfortable in social scenes and my own body...
nothing fits my body right, at all.
and they say its because im 'so curvy for my age', please just quit lying to me.
quit telling me im pretty, or im so skinny, and curvy.
im disgusting.
i dont understand why other people dont see it...
i can list something wrong with every part of my body... and the fact that im friends with this one girl who is just gorgeous at all times, just hurts more, but its not her fault im ugly...
its not her fault that she lies to me,
society tells her its okay to.
just so it will make me feel a little better for a fraction of a second.
but i see through the lies,
i feel the nasty looks and looks of pity i get.
i see the looks that i get that say 'i cant believe shes so ugly...'

mommy...
so much has happened since they took us away.
all the bad things were blamed on you.
im sorry for that, it was just easier instead of telling the truth.
mommy...
im a horrible person, but this you already knew, and you still loved me.
i cut myself, and i dreamed of... leaving forever.
but you still loved me, you're the only one.
mommy...
i haven't seen you in two years, and they expect me not to see you for the next four.
mommy...
i need you.
mommy...
i miss you.
mommy...
i will forever love you...

i want you, only you
but, who the **** are you?

i aspire to be a writer so i can have my fantasies fulfilled, as sad as it sounds i will live through my characters and i will never write just for the money, all my books will be connected with me. if i ever publish, i will take time to meet my fans and explain my inspirations. because as a reader, i always want to know more...

i talked to you
i told you
all the things that i feel for you...
you said nothing on the topic,
so im guessing that's what you feel, *nothing

breathing
talking
looking
being
trying
hoping
-
-
-
they all have something that relate them...
they are all *painful.

ive done this all for him,
and he doesnt even see.
how pathetic can i be?
but i love him you see.
i really shouldn't feel this way,
without him i feel a slow decay rotting me   a
                                                                ­                  w
                                                                ­                       a
                                                               ­                            y...
i dont want to be this way.
everyone that i love has hurt me,
the ones that i will forever love have hurt me the worst...
i havent seen my mother in 2 years.
i havent touched his skin, like those times late night spent.
i wonder where all these things that i loved went,
and why it was replaced with aching pain
coursing
through
my
very
dead
but
very
alive
veins.

P- ain
L- ingers
E- verlastingly.
A- lways
S- uffering
E- ternally.
H- ell
E- ffaces
L- ove
P- ermanently.

some
    people
          throw
             around
                 words,
                      that
                          others
                               consider
                        ­             precious...

your frontal lobe-where you make all your rationalizations...-
does not fully develop until your early  to mid twenties.
until your frontal lobe can make your rationalizations
the job is temporarily for your amygdala-where you feel all of your emotions...-
they tell my that's why im so upset... to the point where sometimes i can't function but they dont realize that whether or not i know that, my emotions will over-ride it, and they say that we feel that the world is ending, but its not..
but those thoughts and feelings could overwhelm me to the point of ending my world

ive made my choice
and now i have to follow through.

i told you i wouldnt bother you
and soon enough i wont be bothering anyone anymore.

i crave for the  blood flow

i cry for the **non-existent love

'everyone has changed since the beginning of the year'*

'yeah, everyone is broken...'

your
eyes,
lips,
hands,
you...
******  *me with
every look,
every word
every touch
you own me,
even after all this time
**even though i dont own you

as i saw you for the first time in forever
and as we embraced
i felt you slip from between my fingers...

"who are you going to formal with?"
"i'm taking myself..."

Something is very wrong,
Have i been like this all along?
Now that all the drama and pain has gone away...
I still feel all the pain.

Something is very wrong,
I feel that i've sensed it all along.
First i was cutting,
then i stopped eating.
Now i overeat.
When will these disgusting cycles end.

Something is very wrong,
My mother doesn't love me,
My father expects something i cannot deliver.
My sister looks up to me.

Something is very wrong,
I have felt this way all along...
When was my smile real?

you were the first
boy that i said
'i love you' to and
really meant it...
and i've chosen
to never tell
another man that
i  love him.
because
people say
' i love you'
to get what they want
and it's accepted
and i will not
so who ever i
find myself with next
will have to except

that society's perception
of love, does not fit mine
but trust me,
i will find a way to covey
what i feel for the next,
it will just be in a
less destructive way.

flatter yourself
when you hear that
i won't tell another
man that i love him
but
bring yourself back down
when you're laughed at
because what we had
was stupid, childish, and destructive
and i don't wish to bring those
words into my next relationship
because those words are
the description of 'i love you' .

because not only have i left you behind,
but i've left all my 'i love you's' behind too.

there was a mother somewhere today
who held her child for the very first time

there was a mother somewhere today
who gave birth to a stillborn child

there was a mother somewhere today
who made the hard decision of abortion

there was a mother somewhere today
who was allowed to use a stethoscope to listen to her childs last heartbeats as the doctors unplugged him

there was a mother somewhere today
whos child came out to them

there was a mother somewhere today