i've tried so hard
in convincing myself
that i understand

but honestly,


*i don't

you dont understand that leaving is the right thing to do.
that i have to, in order to cause you minimal pain.
the pain that i would cause by staying and continuing to hurt you would build up to be more than the pain i will cause by leaving.

my last relationship i ****** up and honestly i dont even know how i did it. the one person who loved me truly and purely, i pushed away for you and then you left and im not so sure what to do anymore.

your sister wrote down something and shared it anonymously but i knew who it was... i knew. and it hurt me, and made me think that if i leave and i fail, my sister will be in your sisters place. so i need to leave and i need to do it fast, and soon.

you dont understand my reasons but i know that someone someday someone will read this and know exactly why.

my mother doesnt really love me, and i dont know what the **** my father is to me. my step mom is overbearing and wont leave me alone...

my granddaddy told me days ago that i was his reason for living. i wish he hadnt told me that.

i have lost a lot of my friends... im stupid and i dont know why i do or say things. one of my cousins hates me, and i pretend to hate them too.

i could have been friends with my ex but i ****** that up.

i have all of these valid reasons in doing this. and still im a ******* coward and wont leave.

im overthinking.

so ill write. to everyone, and once i am finished, ill leave.

ill tie up all the lose ends, maybe ill even do it up in a nice little bow.

im stuck.
between hating you
and
hating myself for loving you.

im stuck.
between wanting to live
and
wanting to die.

im stuck.
between a family religion
and
my own identity.

im stuck.

someone,

please,

help me...

decided to use an computer generated date system, to pick the day of my demise.

what were the odds of in the first set of 5 dates, one was my mothers birthday, only 5 days before my own?

what were the odds that 2 of the 5 dates were alone in my birth month?

what were the odds that 2 of the dates were EXACTLY a month apart.

what were the odds that all the dates would have my favorite numbers?

what were the odds that the second group of numbers was my birthday, or even almost a month before so?

what were the odds of all of those numbers looking right on a tombstone?

I have gone insane.

I lay in bed,
reading your poems...

My insides screaming in Jealousy.

You, talk about her as she walks on water.
You, make me crazy and making me cower.

You are so glorious...
You are so you...
And i have just realized.

I

love

*YOU

Dear Love,
you broke my heart today,
and even with my tear-stained cheeks i will stay,
and defend you when people talk bad about you
and hope that you will love me again, the way you used to...

you see me.
you see what you want in me.
but you do see me too.
and you choose to ignore me.

they know, they just choose to ignore it. im sorry that you think that a little jesus will help... i wont. you think that all this is from being a "sinner" or from not believing. ***** you, because you know that this is not something i can change, yet you tell me, it's all in the mind-set. you can change this if you really want to. god will help. if there was a god. this world wouldn't be as bad. and even if there is a god. he's selfish and demanding and no one loves someone who all they do is demand, demand, demand. i cant help it that you are all stuck on some god and think that he is going to make everything alright. ha. you're sorely mistaken darling. i didn't up and decide, oh im going to want to die, and im going to want to hate my life, and im going to want to be sad for un-seen reasons. im going to make myself find it hard to have fun and live and be happy. if that is what you think i do to myself. ***** you.

you say these things
and their not true
sadly you believe them
you truly do.
i see a girl
***** blonde hair,
prettiest girl ive ever seen
if only she had confidence...
if only she saw herself the way that i see her
if only she could hear the thoughts that i think

i say these things
and they're so true
sadly you dont believe them
but i sure as hell do.