Here I am
My skin is saddening
She holds the barrier with life
She holds out against the world

She has taken the battering of time
Frail as a leaflet in a decaying newspaper
She yearns for the soft embrace

For time to heal
Time to forget all left wounds
She was once diminished by strong crimson lines

But now there are three
Three crimson line born anew
Crimson lines to match the soft pale blue

I am selling myself short to me
I degrade
I ruin
I insult myself

You are not good enough at that
You are not strong enough
You are not deserving
You must be prettier
You must be kinder
You must strive for more knowledge

The world is burning, my brain burns, my heart burns

I am selling myself short because I don’t know how to sell myself for what I am worth.

I sell myself short because I don’t know how to determine my worth

I sell myself short because people can calculate for me what I am worth but I can’t understand their math

I sell myself short

I'm feeling super run down and sad. Its been a while, it sometimes comes and goes and other days are better. But its so hard, its mostly at nights where there is nothing to distract my brain. Maybe its even when i am just at home. I feel alone, and i know people are around me to care. I just can't bring myself to feel cared for. I just hate myself for some reason and so strongly that I can't control it and don't know where it is coming from.  Its hard for me to recognize my future and if I have any potential. I have been striving to obtain happiness but I have no idea what happiness is because I haven't felt it for such a long long time. I can't remember when I carelessly laughed. I also might just be feeling bad for my self. Maybe I'm just being dumb and don't need anything. I want to seek a future where I can breathe fresh air and that's all I need to bring me joy. I want to be able to be alone and not feel lonely any more. I want to embrace my own silence and be able to control my brain. K want to know where my insecurities and self hatred stem from. I want to learn how to feel loved and how to give love to other people within my own realm of comfort. I'm lost and confused.

I witnessed life and death
In the same week

Death
Listened to a heart breaking phone call
My loves voice on one end
His voice
Broken shards of glass
As I heard him choke out the words
"My friend was killed in a car crash"

My dear friend (who is reading this)
I don't expect you to understand
That Death is the ultimatum
That Death has the ability to destroy
Many things in our lives
It succeeds with so little effort
It may send the people who are effected off the rails
Or it may push some to their own SUCCESS,
now that destiny is up to the individual.
To take the reigns and guide their life

Life
I witnessed life this week
The bonding of a couple in love
Quite frankly I don't know the couple

My dear friend (who is reading this)
That LOVE is the ultimatum
It will twist individuals into their
Personal growth
Or it can simply destroy one.
It takes compassion and trust
As you are giving yourself to someone
To care
To allow growth
But love is evil at times,
people tend to abuse the power of love

Life and Death
Take balance
But you must experience it all to
LIVE

Depression is a disease like any other
It can be less complex than a flu or it can be as fatal as cancer.
Although there is a broad spectrum to the severity of depression, I lost my mother to this deadly disease
Depression is not a feeling of the person you love not loving you back, it's not listening to heartbreak songs in your room alone and it's hardly anything to romanticize. Depression is corrupting, it takes away the life of a person, slowly or quickly with a snap of your fingers. Although death of a family member is life altering in any circumstance when you loose someone from depression you feel cheated, as it was an unforeseen death and you had no thought of saying good byes or simply being able to tell them that you loved them just one last time.

Winter tangled my long wavy hair
Gold pools from the roots of my head
Down down down to my hips
The blue and purple bruises that flower under my eyes show my age
Slight flickering of candle light in my forest emerald eyes
Pale porcelain skin touched by wind kisses
Lips chapped, cracked liked the earths crust
Tired
Tired
Tired

I sat on the cold hard ground
My tears soft as the velvet cloudless sky
Slowly breathing
Inhaling one star at a time
Trying to light up my mind
Feeling the ice crack within my lungs
Everything is in slow motion
My blood no longer runs like a rapid thundering river
Slowly it seeps through the broken arteries of my heart
So much has changed, I think of how much I have aged
I can feel the invisible demons clawing their way back
I will sigh as I can hardly control them
As they multiply like a virus
They are silently waiting now
Waiting for something
The perfect moment to release their toxins
But for now
I lay on the silent ground
Listening to the earth breath
Allowing the winter night to swallowing me
Nature keeping the demons at bay

I can't believe she's gone
I still expect her to walk throught the front doors with our dog Shilo
My dogs tail would be wagging her goofy tounge hanging out of her mouth
My dad would go and embrace her in his warm bear hug
Kissing her gently
She would tell us about her run
How the wind was so fierce
How Shilo went chasing after deer in the park and how worried she was when she ran away
But only to have her come bounding back over the frozen underbrush
****
All I can think of now is my mom in that car listening to the iPod with the music pulsating into her ears
Slowly drifting of into a never ending sleep
Shilo would lay down between the seats, where her droopy dog eyes would slowly close to dream about chasing rabbits or deer in the park
****
It's a never ending film that keep replaying in my sorrowed mind.

Standing just outside the chapel doors
My brother holding the urn that held your ashes
My sister on his left, I on his right

I told myself
"hold it together, hold it together"
God, I didn't want to cry
But just as the musician started playing the piano
Tears welled up within my sorrowed eyes
My heart started to beat so hard I thought it would burst out of my chest
I felt the eyes of so many people follow us as we walked down what seemed to be an everlasting walk
All the people who loved you
That had been affected by your spirit
By the loss of your beautiful soul

Lighting the candles that surrounded you was so ******* hard
My hand was shaking so hard
Tears blurred my vision
Why had this terrible disease chosen you to conquer, why would depressions demons choose such a selfless human being to take from such a loving family

I saw my mother for the last time
The mortician whispered in a silent voice I'm aware your mother didn't wear much makeup, but we had to put some on her as she had some discolouration."

I walked through the slightly opened door
Across the room was a light brown casket
Roses as red as the breast of a robin surrounded you

I couldn't seem to get my feet to move
My feet cemented to the ground
All your artifacts lay around you

Step
By painful step
I made my way over to you

I felt the sting of tears behind my eyes
My orchid hearts petals fell slowly to the pit of my stomach

My mom didn't look like my mom
Not with that makeup
But they put it on you to cover the discolouration, the discoloration of the carbon monoxide that corrupted you beautiful mind, or maybe it was the demons that had haunted you for so long

When my tears began to overflow my red eyelids I could have sworn I saw you breathing
My mom is gone
My mom is gone

I kept repeating over and over

And so here I sit, staring at a piece of paper filled with names of songs to play at your funeral
All of them untold letters what I wish I would have said to you

My lips are ****** from biting down to hold the tears in.

I remember phoning my best friend
crying into the phone
My entire core collapsing in on itself
I was sobbing words into the phone
They felt like shards of glass coming out of my mouth

"****, I have never cared about anyone
I have never ******* cared about anyone but my ******* self
All I ever do is pity my ******* self
I do not matter
What the ****"

You told me what I wanted to hear
That I mattered and all that
or thats what I could remember as the champagne bubbles clouded my thoughts.

I hung up, not knowing if I had finished the conversation or not
I focused ******* the steps as I stumbled my way up the stairs.
Collapsing in front of my dresser
Wanting something
I knew what I wanted at the time
I wanted a blade
Anything
Anything to take my ******* self hate away
The horrible words I had thrown

I layed with my head on the cold tile floor
cold metal blade in my hand
four new Scarlett marks on my thigh and ivory tear stains on my cheek.

You sat there, wrapped in a tumble of blankets
Blankly staring out of the window
You told me you had depression
That you had had it before I was even born
That it runs in our family

I was chocked
chocked on all the horrible things I had said to you
How terribly I treated you

You told me your medication hadnt been working, that you had gone off your depressants because you had felt well enough, although you seemed to have crashed
Doctors had put you back on your depressants
You told me that you would be back to "normal" in three weeks time
but three weeks later my father stayed behind a closed bedroom door with you, your sister rushed into our house.
I knew it was something to do with you
"Her medication isnt working" thats all my father told me

That night I didnt see you or my dad all night long
2:00 am
My dad walked through the front door,
Tired eyes gazing over at me
My mother had been admitted to the psychiatric unit in the hospital
She was there to get her medication adjusted
It was just a short amount of time she was to be in there.

Every evening we would make a trip to the hospital
I started to wonder how the "normal" would ever return
I dont think "normal" could be achieved ever again

one week

You were discharged,
All you did was sleep it seemed
Where was my mother

two more days
You relapsed
My dad told me that you had a plan to end it all, that you were no good for the family.
I remember how much you told me you loved me
I didnt see you or dad that night

You were to be in the hospital longer than the "first time"
Visiting every night
You were surrounded by other patients with all sorts of mental illnesses
You reassured me that it would all be
Normal
again.

That next week you came home.
Nothing is normal
Normal is abnormal now.

After all those confusing months
Of your back and forth between that other girl and I
Constantly crushing my heart and soul
For you

I thought it was the most brilliant thing when you finally asked me to be yours

But now...
I look back and wish I would have
Told you that you couldn't have me,
That I would never be yours
That you don't deserve me

That I would,

Break your heart
Just once
In return for the numerous times
You broke mine.

Rough washcloth
Gentle hand

A week ago you were kissing my neck
All the way down to my *******
Your kiss was stopping my heart
Or was that the happiness that I felt
A week ago we sat in serene silence while your hand stroked my soft palm.
A week ago you left a flowering bruise on my pale orchid skin.
You told me how much you adored me, how you were so thrilled to have me.

I was so content, content with you being mine. I don't believe in making an individual your source of true happiness, but you know what you locked that singular puzzle piece in my heart.  I've seen to lost that one puzzle piece.

Because a week ago we couldn't keep our eyes off one another.
Now I'm struggling to maintain my balance as I teeter on the ledge again.

Because a week ago I had a best friend
Now you're just an everlasting memory.

The chill bites into my blossoming heart
My heart beats for you
Flying like a summer robin
I sit beneath the cold howling moon
I feel the pull of the earth as we near fall, it's a slow whir of trees and stars
My mind is hazy as a cloud settles onto my thoughts
Porcelain skin lights up under the soft caress of the moon as it is a better lover than any boy
My hair tumbles endlessly to the ground as it wraps into the freezing ground, connecting me to te ground

It's been one year
Since I dragged that cold blade across my dull tired skin
I remember feeling the way it released the demons crawling beneath my skin screaming to get out
I would watch the liquid life run down my arm to the end of my finger tips
Where it would
Drip
Drip
Off my clamy finger tips
Watching it swirl down the drain
Or maybe it was my vision swimming, hearing the swish and pound of my heart in my ears like a mighty ocean as I reached for my towel to wrap around my exhausted body
I remember going to school the day after, feeling the fabric of my shirt cling to the scarlet that would occasionally start again as I had forgotten to bandage my arm
I remember the dull stinging pain as I slipped my pjs on over my thighs at night
It has been a year since the dreadful demons in my head have whispered for that blade
Do it
Do it
They would chant
It's been one year

I remember when you first kissed me
My heart pounded in my heart like a red breasted spring robin
You tasted of pure happiness,
Because after all the months I had waited for this moment
It had finally come, it was so brilliant.
Feeling your breath against my skin as you gently kissed my neck.
It was amazing being so close to you, feeling although we were one.
Feeling your arm wrap around the small of my wispy cloud body
As we kissed the wind blew around us
Pulling us apart as it seemed,
I let my hands drop as I realized you had left
And your lips had turned to dust
You left as swift as you could
Like you had not put up a fight to love
I spiraled into dark claws of heart break, only to crawl back out
Whether I was to come out with bruises on my hands, knees,
Or even my heart
I wouldn't allow my happiness to be based off of someone who would leave.

You toss my heart around like a toy yo-yo on a thin fraying string
Oh please watch that string,
Fear swells in my throat like child's gumball
Please don't let that string fray to far
I'm trusting you with so much
But Please Please don't let my heart go swinging into an abyss

Fourteen was insecure and depressed. It was sticking my figures down my throat and nothing coming up but little pieces of myself I wish I’d fought to hold onto. It was hours of exercise, hundreds of sit ups and 15 pounds. It was specks of my childhood I wasted thinking the most important thing was to have less fat on my body and wishing to just disappear all together. Fourteen screaming loud and was always looking for new ways to self destruct and new doors to slam shut.
Fifteen was self discovery, running, pills and new friends. It was singing in the shower again and also lying down crying. It was learning how to not weigh myself 10+ times a day, before showering, after, before meals and just to torture myself, after. It was new beginnings. It was learning how to trust again. It was stressful and sometimes sharp and harsh, but mostly on my self. It was burning calories and sometimes eating them back and learning that was okay. It was the beginning of a new girl. One who takes shots with her best friends and does brave things that may seem normal to others, but a challenge for her. It was sometimes crying with them and laughing with her mother and looking in the mirror and trying to look past the devils advocate contemplating the next meal.
The girl in the mirror I see now is sixteen. She is kinder now, softer. Her eyes aren’t nearly as gloomy and she stands with her shoulders further back. She’s less harsh. She’s learning how to touch with out brushing and love without limitations. She’s brave.

Oh and my dear how I could love you
*but will you allow me

I think i finally figured it out
The reason why I am so afraid to love
Afraid to show my passion for you

I was chained in darkness
Trapped by being his secret
Trapped by not being good enough
Not good enough for him to feel pride about
So I was kept his secret
Always just another girl
Kept away like an abandoned toy
Just for him to come and play with
Only there for when he was bored
Playing with my emotions
My heart was attached to a string of a yo-yo
Back and forth
Back and forth
Down and up
Down and up

That is why I am afraid to show my love
Because I am terrified of being toyed with
Petrifyed of being abandoned
Of being another secret

Secrets are fun
Unless you're one

Laying in the middle of the field
Dead grass pricking my shoulderblades
I'm up against the sky
Drowning in ocean of clouds
Tree's stretching their achy limbs
After long hibernation
Sunshine gold kisses my flower petal lips
Crimson as my love

Kurt Cobain
February 20 1967- April 5 1994

Swaying with the wind
Caressing my frail winter bones
Sinking into the deep roots of my lungs

Deep breaths

Drinking the honey of the sun
Sweet taste of heat
The sun has finally come out to dance
To dance along the cliffs edge with me
Will you not dance?
Dance as If you were a bird
Free to kiss the sky

Let the spring ecstasy fill you
Let it drain into every empty ocean of your body
Let the flowers arise from the darkness
Let them grow in your corrupt heart

Let spring florish

Coffee stains pooling beneath my tired eyes
Small bruises flourishing along my chest
The taste of ***** still in my mouth
Or maybe the taste of your lips

Stretching my arms out to my side
Yawning as the sun waves goodmorning
Peaking in from my window
Pooling out onto my floor

Resting against the cool metal of my bed
The cold iron against my bare back
Blanket pulled up and tucked under my arms
I pull my knees up to my chest

Just enjoying the silence of the morning
Enjoying the memories

Its so much easier to cry in the dark
Why?
You may ask
Well, I feel like a black hole
Devoid of air
Everything beautiful gets dragged down
Down into the deepest hole of my chest
My greedy sorrowed soul
Searching for an eternal light
Something I can grasp onto that wont break off
That I wont drag down or push away
Flowers trying to grow along the base of my skull
Trying to sprout through the toxic darkness that lingers

Its so dull inside my head
Everything in me as charcoal gold
What I am implying is

When its pitch black I am one with the dark
And my soul.
Theres nothing I can poison or destroy

Thats why its so much easier to cry in the dark

Pouring alcohol into my sorrowed mind
Just to grasp a taste of bitter happiness
Crashing oceanic waves drown into my thoughts
As I dance to the beat of the heavy bass
Arms embracing the vibes
I am escaping to bliss
Each more sip tastes better than the first
Shaking my heavy head
As tears begin slipping from my hazel tired eyes
I fall to my knees
What am I doing?

*I dont even like beer

Sunshine pooling onto our winter bodies
Seeping into our brittle winter skin
Puddles splashing out from under my feet
A chilling breeze sends shivers up my spine

Or maybe its you?
As you walk so close to me
Your hand occaisionally brushing mine

Rushing water singing from the near river
Ice drifting slowly away
You slowly wrap your hand around mine
And I let you, yes I did

As our arms swayed back and forth between us
Oh and I could feel the way your knuckles grazed my hip along the soft fabric of my skirt.

My heart did slow looping dances in my chest

Melting onto my flushed cherry lips
Showering onto my frosty bones
Flowers start to bloom along my corrupt lungs
My laughter dancing on the clouds
Kissing my cold cheeks
The warmth spreading through my violet blood

Romance with the sun

Walking through the sleep city
Brick buildings towering above me
Vines snaking along the walls

The cold wind clawing at my pale cheeks
Catching my long hair, tossing it out behind me
It sinks into the skin at the base of my neck
Shivers vibrating through my tired bones

Along the curve of my crimson lips
I breath in the fridged air, into my hallow flower lungs
Freezing me completley

Shoes echoing on the cobblestone walk
Passing small cafés
Young couples who smile and laugh
Serenading each other in soft voices
They are so inlove
Asolutley beautiful
Love
Romance
What ever it may be

I kiss the moon
Lips melting onto mine
The cold seeping beneath my ivory skin
Wrapping around my glass ribs
Heavy fog resting in my lungs
Breathing out icicles
Frost lacing my eyelashes
Stars drinking me in
Cliffs taunting me to dance
Off into the dreamy haze
Crisp night air swirls in my violet veins
The night is my ecstacy
Oh and I have never felt so high

He asked
"Why do you continue to be sad?"

Considering that for a moment

I replied
*"Because being sad is the only thing I'm good at"

Flowers are the breath of the Earth
The music of the birds
The daughters of the trees
Kisses of the stars
Art of the universe
The clouds companions
Muse of the sun

Sprinting down the steep hill
Running with the birds
Dancing along the barren ground
Arms spread out wide to embrace the wind
As it drags its whispy claws through my glass ribs
Hair whipping agaisnt my cold white cheeks
Caught on the frost on my scarlett red lips
Taking drags of oxygen instead of drags from cigarettes
Lungs burning
Its just you
You and the beauty of the wind