I'm not waiting on the other person to realize they love me
Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid to get hurt
I'm not afraid if I say it first
They won't feel the same
I'll be stuck with this loneliness-
Look, it only happened once,
But feeling that pain was better than what I feel on a daily basis.
Nothing, and everything at night.
"How do you know if youre falling for someone?"
I keep hearing it's just supposed to be a feeling
"Do you get upset if they **** someone else?"
If anything, I realize that there's something in my brain
That won't let me feel what I felt for you.

So I never say I love you first,
Because I'd hate to be the first person to lie.

I can't really focus on
What everyone is interested in.
It's black and blue in a chronological way.
It's okay not to understand me,
I Am
sugar and salt mixed together.
You don't need to learn the map of brain
The compass is faced the wrong way
The roads are all dead ends
And you can't even read the directions anyway

I am not someone that you should understand

I wish I was sad because then I can be happy again.  Unlike depression where you hurt yourself so much the previous night and put on a phasade the following day laughing with your friends.  Ive lost myself alive. Depression,  my favourite nightmare to be lucid in. I die in it and I feel myself sinking into a void.

I love black and people ask me why I respond and say that's my soul.  I am forever thinking about our conversations, thinking  of the almost I love you at the back of my heart.  Too often,  I love you blindly.  I fear that once you see who and what iam will have you crippled.  I want to open the doors that will lead you to my soul.

you may not accept my demons of the secret place and I do not want to chase you away. Every compliment you throw at me takes a piece of my soul. I want to submit to your love.

too often, I love you silently, too often I go on about how it doesn't last long. I put such little effort in trying to be happy and when I see you, so much comes out even though I may not show it. The ink, it runs out.  You are poetry to me and your name is by far my favourite metaphor.  You have left a fingerprint on my soul and it will forever stay there regardless of when you leave. Maybe, I like or love you too brutally? I forbid you to have anymore involvement in me.  You are going to leave anyway in the winter.  You are going to claim to be hurt when you leave but I am going to stay here bleeding.

I will let it be and let you go.
Till whenever.  Goodbye.
I am angry, sad but whatever.
I hate that you know how I feel.

Living has become this constant nightmare. I wake up feeling like hell. I feel suffocated and embarrassed. I carry on living two lives, one for the public and one just for me. Depression is the hell that eats me up. I put a phasade of a perfect girl who has everything put together.  

I hide and put up a wall that is so high that you will never see my pain or my thoughts.

shes a freak
everyone calls her that
dares to be different
doesn't tow the line
so she’s a freak
dresses like no one else
talks a cool lingo
she simply dares
it bothers others
she’s nothing like them
you know, those "normal" ones
so she’s a freak

She was always too smart, too afraid, too strong
Too cautious to fall in love
Too perfect to get hurt

Always on guard
Always in charge of her heart
Eyes always open wide

But behind this fort that
She's learned to build around herself
She's as vulnerable as a child
Who can't afford to cry

Oh Darling,
It kills me inside to see you so sad
You are so young
You are so beautiful
I won't be the kind of person who tells you that you are too young
to be so sad
Depression doesn't care about age
Depression doesn't care about race
Depression doesn't care that you have a plate full of problems already
Depression is a sneaky *******
Depression has a way of reaching into your personal outer space
and wrap it's arms so tightly around your neck as it forces you
down into the deepest part of the ocean
It lets you go every once in awhile but as soon as you are so close
to reaching the surface to finally catch your breath
it comes back up and down you go again
I'm sure somewhere in your heart you know that you are beautiful
You know that you are strong
You know that you are capable of doing anything you set your mind to
However, depression doesn't let us see our beauty
It doesn't let us feel our strength
Depression takes away our ability to get through the hell it unleashes onto us
I spent seven years slicing up my arms in the hopes that my sadness
would leak out of me
I spent months starving myself
as a way to make up for the beauty depression took from me
I spent so many nights envisioning suicide and attempting not once
not twice
but three times because I was so tired of feeling sad
I was so tired of being sore not just on the inside but on the outside
I was tired of feeling like I was constantly drowning
Someone once told me I was too young to be sad
I laughed in anger because how dare that person tell me that
How dare that person make me feel like I was being ridiculous
for feeling how I felt
Do you think I enjoyed making myself bleed?
Do you think I enjoyed being hungry?
Do you think I enjoyed feeling tired because I was fighting a battle that no one else could fight but me
I know that when you cry yourself to sleep at night
you wish you could just fall asleep in peace
I know that when you take those pills
you don't really want to take them
but you are running out of options on how to make your unhappiness go away
They say it's the people around you
It's the things that you watch
It's the things that you read that make you so sad
The only people who tell you that are people who have never
ever experienced true depression
I haven't cut myself in three years
That doesn't mean that when depression pays me a visit
I don't wish that I could lean on a razor to feel better
I am not here to tell you what to do or what not to do
I am here to let you know that I understand what it's like
to feel the way that you do
I understand what it's like
to be where you are right now
I know what it is like to just want to die because you are tired of fighting
I also know now that there is a light at the end of this dark
and what feels like an endless tunnel
I know that if you keep fighting
you will get through this sadness
I'm not saying the sadness will go away because it won't
I'm twenty three years old and that sadness I felt as a teenager
still lingers behind me each and every day
I learned to reach inside myself
and use my sadness as a weapon to kick depression's ***
It's exhausting each and every day
It was devastating to learn that I will be fighting this battle for the rest of my life
I have two options every morning when I wake up
I can choose to fight or choose to give up
Oh Darling
It kills me inside to see you so sad
You are so young
You are so beautiful
I won't be the kind of person who tells you that you are too young
to be so sad
I will be the person that loves you
and shows you that there is life beyond this ugly thing called depression


If you ever need someone to talk to: 24-hour Hotline.
National Suicide Prevention Helpline.
1-800-273-8255 (1-800-273-TALK)