It’s 5:22 and I still haven’t slept.

It’s not uncommon anymore and they say insomnia is a side effect of Paroxetin.

I call *******.

Tomorrow I’ll be picking up a new prescription - things they feed me to make themselves feel better.

St John’s Wort.

They say its safer and more traditional, less side effects.

I’m just exhausted.

I think they’re just trying to get me talking again. I’ve stopped coming to the sessions and is it normal that I’ve felt better since?

Probably because they’ve upped the dosage of my Paxil.

Do they know that Paroxetine can overdose? 560 mg I heard can ****. That’s 28 tablets.

I counted 13 in my bottle. That’s just about enough to get someone to hallucinate and *****.

Useless.




I hear chirping outside my window.

It gets me smiling.

My heart breaks for a girl.

She is my friend, a person within reach yet she never lets anyone inside.

She’s special- and no, not in that way- and smart and beautiful and passionate and wise and everything she doesn’t think she is.

Sure, we ****-heads sometimes but ultimately, I love her. She opens my eyes to the world and makes me see it in a whole other way.

Others don’t realise her worth because other people drown her out; But she’s more than those people combined.

She’s a candlelight among a universe of suns.

I love you Irish, my little candle-light.

My mother had a miscarriage



Was

Her name was Diana

Gone before I met her

Is

Her name is Diana

Spoken through the tears between our family

Will

Her name will be Diana

When I have my a daughter of my own



She had 4 months to live in my mother’s womb

Unnoticed

Until we knew we had lost her



Would she have looked like me?

Like my mother?

My brother?

Her father?



Father.

Her’s is in another continent; oblivious to his unborn daughter’s death

Maybe mine will take care of her in heaven

Two people we’ve lost; both before I could’ve truly known them.



Please take care of her there



Diana and Christopher.

My sister and my father.

Soon, My daughter and my son.

Sometimes I feel like I’m holding onto a rail above a black hole.

A black hole of insecurities and harsh words; a slippery rail of half friendships and broken relationships.

But I hold on. And the longer I do, the more the rail bends. The more the rail breaks.

So I wonder how long will it take to just snap.

The stupidest thing I’ve ever done, I figured out

Was ignoring what was right in front of me

The invisible shield that blocked out the harsh words

The punching force that defends whoever tries to hurt me

Why-oh-why have I been sleeping on my great friends.

Smile

That’s right

Just Smile

You’re doing great

The well-kept secret

It festers

inside you

No one suspicious

at all

I only hope it doesn’t break

free

until you yourself finally

Break

Endings don’t have to be bad. They don’t have to be chaotic either. It can be gradual and silent, seeping into things until you don’t realize it’s happened.

It can be the hesitant stutter of words begging to be let out. Or the way one ponders where the beginning of the end has started.

Really, endings aren’t that bad.

Sometimes endings can be just as sweet as beginning.