I said a few stupid things

Like, incredibly stupid.

So stupid, in fact, that I wish I never said it in the first place.

I have this condition

It’s called spouting bullshite disease.

And it affects the people around me when it gets triggered.

It’s sad and invigorating

How you can lift me up higher than I’ve ever reached

Yet also kick me so far down that it’s hard to resurface

You’ve pulled out the widest smile out off me

But the heaviest tears come from you too

I’ve learned the dance

I’ve played the part

It’s nothing new

just breaks my heart

I’m so scared.

A year from now, we’ll all be getting our results

and then we’ll be off our separate ways.

Living separate lives

theirs.

Stupid, stupid promises of staying together,

staying in touch.

They have no idea

no clue

that sometimes they’re the only ones keeping me from

Falling Apart.

And I try to quit while I’m ahead.

I try to end it all before they leave.

But I’m Weak.



They won’t mean to do it.

But then after, meeting up would turn into

Skype calls

would turn into

calls

would turn into

text messages

would turn into final goodbyes

would turn into memories.

Memories, that’s all we’ll have.



and I’m scared.

Why?

What do you get out of

ruining lives.

Happy families

broken

once you show up.

Today, a girl’s lost her father

to you

yet do you even know her name?

She weeps and cries and asks you

Why

aren’t you ashamed.



- To Marie

I’m here, but I’m not.

No.

Wait, that came out wrong.

It’s like I know I’m on Earth, but what I see is blurred, what I hear is foggy, and I feel nothing.

Sometimes, when It gets worse,

I wake up days after I’ve left. Minutes spent scrambling. Not knowing where I am, how long it’s been or what I’ve done.

Then I’ll remember.

It’s like when I was drunk.

I know what I did because you told me and I remember myself doing them but I wasn’t there.

I’m scared because I miss moments in my life.

And what if one day I wake up and realise,

I’ve missed my whole life.