My heart is a ******* traitor

Stars a deep purple, set to Nine Inch Nails and Bowie
And my fingertips are grinding down trying to smooth the edges,
Waterlogged and heavy
I'm wading through currents in a dinghy, filled with foam,
Feeling fuzzy and just a little unlucky, trying to dock it back home
The whole boat smells of brine and guilt and I'm heading swiftly towards
Nothing,
So grab a life jacket and hoist it up,
**** it, aren't you coming?

you have your hand on my curtains
you wont let the light in

the only thing in my medicine cabinet is cough drops
maybe i should take all of them

you filled my bathtub with sand
and hid my dogs leash

you washed all of my clothes
and wasted all of my bleach

every utensil in my drawer has turned to plastic
and the channels on tv have all turned to static

so i sit in the corner and hold my breath
but you wont allow anything
to bring along my death

What do you want out of life?
A good husband, or a wife?
Three kids and a trampoline,
Everything just the way it seems,
Want a fancy blender and a soccer van
A 9 to 5 working for the Man
In a suburb, keeping secrets behind closed doors,
Where everybody knows who you voted for
And the only exciting thing
Comes from an article read in a magazine
Say you wanna be white-picket-fenced
A comfy spot to live a life sentence
Spot of land and a wedding band
What do you want out of life?

I woke in the night air,
Damp from the grass, stale breath and smoggy eyed
You played with my hair as it turned from green to blue and back
And I held your paper skin in my palm, as familiar as a lighter
The air smelled of weeks ago, of dust
I had to leave in my tracks, violets grew where I stepped away
You curled into them and I wished you a rainstorm
Recovering my jacket from where we'd tossed it,
And your favorite necklace
When the veil lifts again, you'll think you might have lost it
I'm a walking dream, crisscrossing lines of red from every toy
I discard in the real world,
It's miles to the Ocean
Counting every block
I am noiseless and vapid, listless, light
You may be waking up tonight,
Wondering where your blanket went,
Wondering who left the kiss marks on your hips
This is all I leave you, the aggravating half-memories
A trilling laugh, a groan, a caress
As the waves guide me out
And the lights lead me down
I am home in the silt beneath your feet,
And my disregard as deep.

"You are my favorite poet" he says
Then curls himself around me
I sit and lick the sugar from the glass
Saturated in self pity
I like the way he looks at me
It's almost as if he's pressing his eyes against mine
My chest feels tight
My stomach churns
I don't want him to go
But he can't stay here with me
Maybe he's right?
Maybe I'm comfortable being alone?
Being sad?
Being un
comfortable ?
I ask him what he means
Its morning
I should know by now
Not to ask questions in the morning
His eyes match the fog now
And we both reek of yesterday
His oversized sweatshirt keeps me from shaking
I still tremble
There's silence that you could cut like a knife
I take off the sweatshirt like I'm shedding my skin and head into six thirty
Sniffling
I feel blind
Afraid
I'm not sure what of?
He's not him
But he sure snaps like him
With big goofy teeth
I'm all chewed up
It's too early for this
It's always too early