Pulls a cigarette and lights it up
“They are gonna **** you those sticks”
Yeah well tonight I don’t care
That’s what I’m here to do
Inhale it up and let it out
Close your eyes and start the count
Then you drop the gun
Cry tear after tear
God gave you life and you were going
To give it all back.
This isn’t the end but maybe soon
You realize you are only here for her.

Does anyone find it ironic
When we are young we are scared of the dark
Outside our windows and under our beds
But then realize the darkness growing inside
Of our very bodies, our souls and minds?

People think I'm better now.
That it's all gone, the thoughts and such
But that's not the case.
I'm just better at holding it all in
And not letting people see it.
Just imagine the hurt they would feel
If they knew their rock was hollowed out.

Over a year ago and I still miss you
I can't get you out of my head,
every beauty of nature
Of your beautiful smile
Every time I dance
The memory of dancing with you creeps back in
And I miss your lips when
I taste something sweet
Most of all I miss your voice
That sweet melody better then
Any orchestra, and musician.
Just you alone could get me through
Any day or night or hell.
Your loss hurts the most.
And it's cut deeper then any knife

I could say you were the calm before the storm,
But you weren't you were the eye
The center of the storm in my mind,
Peace and a rest until you said goodbye

Polluted
While our perceptions are diluted
One cigarette to forget one to remember
And and the rest of the pack to get through
The stress of missing you

So you leave and think it'll be the same
Old friends and new life seems so tame
Then you look up your all alone
And those who "cared" ignore your phone.
They don't care, never really did
Leaving you thinking why even bother.

6 months later and I still
Have the feel of your kiss
On my lips, the feel
Of your embrace I miss
The way you bite,
The way we kissed goodnight
Just a few more moments
And I'll be with you in my arms.
Just a few more months.

ever time i think about the perfect girl she comes to mind,
yet all she wants to do is press rewind
And I'm tired of livin in the past.

Getting lows but now highs
Going home to dark skies
But that's on the inside
Outside my feelings do hide
And everythig looks fine

I can no longer be alone with you
The mix of love and the feelings of anger
are in conflict.
I still feel the same as before
Us ended and it become you and I
I still miss you, still read your letter
Still look at pictures of you for longer
then I should.

You have replaced me no problem
You are making personal descions
that affect my future.
A future that you are no longer apart of.
It's over remember?
You are with him, and I am alone.
So get out of my future.
It's you and I not US.

Your memory is a bittersweet melody
That is stuck in my skull
The bitter reminder of it being over
But the sweet remembrance of your soft kiss.

Before I was with you
I was just bad and sad human being
I could go on because I was apathetic
Now I realize I am just pathetic
Then you came into my life
And gave me these memories
Take them back, take them all back
The good, the sad, just all of them.
Before I didn't miss you.
Now all I do is think of you.

Thoughts I am not allowed to have


Four to three months
Then I am gone to basic
I am going to serve
An I seem so calm about it
But I am scared, scared to lose
Lose my mind, my friends
And my family.
I mean I lost
You  
So why would I not lose

The
Rest

Is love really worth it?
For you it seems not.
You seem to think that leaving
Is easy when that is not the case dear
So ask yourself is it worth it?
Because for me it is.
But then again I do not matter,
So I guess it is not.

You left me alone, possibly when most needed
The next day I'm in te hospital and who
Is it that I want? Who do i need holding my hand?
Funning that I still wanted and needed you
Even though you left me when things got hard.

But still I miss you and still I want you.

I know dear, that I've upset you
And I know the reason is valid
But I'm sorry baby, and I love you.
Please don't leave me alone with myself
I would not be able to make it,
Help me, from myself
Like you have been.

Emotions drained to the point
That they are almost nonexistent
I  fail everyone, do nothing but disappoint
My heart beated, cracked, and has a dent

Then you came along and built me a ego
Then you came and made me feel
You came and had a soft touch,
You held me and it seems you love me

And I love you.

What are we deserving of?
Not of hate that I will write
Of on a later date, but tonight
I mean love,

People say we deserve the love we allow
Ourselves to receive but others
Think we deserve what we receive and yet
There are those who think we deserve so much more

But I do not know what I deserve or
What others do, I just know that now
You are one who deserves so much better
You are so loving and kind,
Someone that deserves someone better
Then I.

the few friends I have are not
fearful for the thought of hell
but instead embrace it, the rot
that comes with it, the smell
that would bother some matters not to them.
They are ready to go, because they are
going to hell just for being themselves.
Why would they go to hell for that?
Well because of a book wrote by man,
in the name of god.

The misinterpretation of these words
cause such a debate, the same words
did not allow slaves human rights
justified hatred of other "races".
These words let jews be massacred by a German,
let crosses be burned and people whipped by
the "white man". Let burning of countless
innocent women occur.
LET people forget the one race
that we all are, human.

So people why do we not forget the man
written words and follow the true divinity of them?
Pray to your god, and worship his son, and embody
the holy ghost, is this too hard of a task for such devout Christians?

Writing is the one thing I can submerge my emotions in.
I can drown them out and the voices
In my skull, it clears my mind
And if only for a brief moment
It even silences the pain

"Guys I think I beat being depres..."
The words refuse to come out
Somethig inside me stops me.
Maybe the darkness inside?
Is it the sadistic nature that reveals In
My own depressed states? I do not
Think I suffer depression... But
These states come and go...
"Should I stay or should I go?"
It stays and goes as it please,
Nightmares here and nightmares there
Unforgiving discontent stares.
This little pressure is making me crack
I can get this darkness off my back.
Should I embrace the darkness or hate?
Is this truly what is to be my fate?
This constant struggle? This endless rebirth of my inner struggle that devours and wrecks my psyche.
This that destroys my very mind?
This ? This should one be content with?

Everyone act like the urges
Just stop, the desire just fades
Away, the voice begging for cuts
The scream begging you to die
The person in your mind
That wishes for your demise
It never goes away, it jut gets louder
And louder
And louder

She makes simple look extravagant
That sweet, simple smile makes me sound ignorant,
it inhibits my speech, and makes me look so goofy.
She looks so beautiful, in that simple blue hoodie.

I should have been there,
to talk you out of it
but instead I wasn't and
you did what you regret
I should have been there
this mistake i will not forget
how can i earn forgiveness
for not talking someone
out of taking a blade to
their precious skin.

Well i am slightly confused
I got dumped, but no reason stated
well stuff happens i guess

thinking about her, brings me stress
being with her, lets me decompress
it relaxes me, but leaving her is sad
and lack of being with her makes me mad

i know i am ******* up,
i know i am messed up
i know you deserve better
i know i am not your type

you and me, different classes
not just school ones, but the social ones
i know i act stupid and like *****,
not just like one ***, but multiple

*******
*******

mainly those two, but probably more
i mean today i tried to impress you
with a stupid trick, and fell down
the stairs and looked like a idiot

trying to impress you,
i shouldn't, if i told you
that i liked you i would
just be your source

of embarrassment
i think your cute
i like you
i respect you actually

so i stay quiet
so i do not
embarass you
and make you feel bad

because that is all i do
is be a failure,
i wish i was good enough for you
but me doing something right, would be a folk lure

She balances out my insanity,
She calms the voices, the violent urges
She is amazing and betters me in all ways
She causes a balance in me.

She does this an hasn't even said even loves me
This sanity is crazy isn't it?

If you love me, I thank you
Friends you guys are the best.
But if you hate me I am honored
As well as thankful, exhausted you
Dedicate more thoughts about me
Than those who love me.

She is amazing so beautiful and smart
And hopefully we are of to a good start
She is cute and adorable, she made
Today great just by being with me and sipping lemonade.

She made the day I hate
All this and more, she is great
How better to describe the superb
I am so thankful we are together,
So thank you for today.

In only a couple hours I will be seventeen
This all feels different then a year ago. I have a different girlfriend
I have different hair, more open views
But all I am missing is you.
Rest in peace my friend.

I miss your smile, that lights up your
face, the way you roll your eyes
at my lame jokes. I can't wait for your return
this afternoon. I wonder how this meeting will go,
have i chosen the correct option you gave me?
Or will I be making my first mistake.

I have the maps to minds,
I know them inside and out
The rocky terrain and the smooth plains
But the map to your heart is unknown
I am a cartographer of sorts
But not the right guy for you

Throw out personal biases.
Find facts, pick up the thrown out personal biases.
Put facts and biases into a blender, blend and shake well.
Add theories that oppose your argument for taste, and personal connection for flavor.

I saw you out of the corner of my eye,
acted like i did not see you
like my interest was not peaked.
I sat away from others, and thought of you
**** my mind, for not letting me think
of something, or someone beside you.

So I sat in the corner, curious to what
you were thinking and, how you were.
But I just sat there alone, weak.
Stupid of me to think to that I
could talk to you in person.

Sitting in the corner writing this,
and you will not be the first to see it,
if you ever do. This poem like most the others
I will hide from you.
In my little corner of this of this site.

my ignorance is your bliss

Today I was reminded of her soft skin
And holding her and sitting next to her
Was...unique, she left me hanging
And i don't know why but it excites me

The jokes, the effortlessness of it all
The teasing "time out". All  if it
Was like a sweet candy,
That left me wanting more

If that special someone,
says those words you have been
dying for someone to say to you,
the phrase "I love you"
They are lying, they do not care
and are just blindfolding you before they
shoot you done

Is the best thing that could
have happened, it has took one blade
out of my back, where you placed it.
I have been able to have my
broken limbs, and treat them as i
wish, without you fussing
over why I had them,
no more lies about my potential
no more lies about the good in me

the good in me died, when you held
my hand, and kissed my lips
and tried to build me up as your pawn
after tearing me down.

I wallow in my misery you say,
no i revel in it, accepting it,
and not lying that it is not what i deserve
it is what i deserve for once loving you,
but now where that love was,
is now teh acceptance that I am alive
to die, hopefully honorably,
but probably shamefully, by my own hand.

To think if you hadn't destroyed the sliver
of light in this soul that is now black
maybe I would not be this way,
or maybe I would still turn this way

so thank you, dear, you know who you are
when you read this, shoot for the stars,
so when your dream boat sinks
you will plummet to the ground below
and then you might see, how you took my heart,
and put where it was, a black hole

I should cut off my ears,
I can not hear your lies,
I should cut of my nose,
so i can not smell your bull crap

I should gouge out my eyes,
so I can not see you deceiving me
I should cut out my heart
so i do not love my poison.

And slice my throat so
I no longer have to suffer your
Presences, and your absence.
And sit here in my Ignorance

Pretty Faces, are what hide
the blades and weapons
that will leave the worst
scars on our souls.

Never trust a Pretty Smile,
It will hide the teeth that will
Ripe out your throat,
and leave your jugular bleeding out
The scars you left on mine,
left me begging for physical
scars in place of these.

i am starting to notice
that a lust for dissecting
things is over taking
a desire for human interaction

You care?
You ignore me for months
then talk to me claiming love
and feelings of affection for me

try to get into my bed
then try to mess games with my head
try to manipulate me,
You care

thats why you try every way
possible to break the walls
that are there because of you
and blame me for your actions

and the scars on my skin
and mind, that are there
because of you,
so this is you caring?

the memories seem to fade back to her
when i was young, and every breathe
i did not resent,

back before my first attempt,
or the first time i put a blade to me skin
before i had to grow up,
before my first broken limb,
she was the first crush,
in the sense of girl i fell for
and girl that crushed me,

she knows nothing to this
day how i felt,
yet it all comes back to her

I tanned this summer
Tanned over my scars
So now only the ones
That I didn't inflict
Are visible

"What's your guilty pleasure",
Really are all pleasures not guilty?
They certainly feel that way
I have definitely paid for mine
Not with money but with pain
And blood

Its not the major things
but the little things
that mean so much to me
and make you beautiful

One and the same,
we are both opiates,
filling each other with a buzz,
while bringing each other down

Girls, just lead you on and play you
misguiding you with words that may be true
or may be a lie, may be garbage
"your just a chapter, time to turn the page"

make you feel worthless,
thoughtless
a waste
and regret missing them like you do
they destroy you emotionally

One and the same,
we are both opiates,
filling each other with a buzz,
while bringing each other down

Boys just misuse
and abuse
everyone around them
while hoping she doesn't forget em

they want a girls love
but treat her like crap, not a delicate dove
they want held, but push away
they abuse girls to feel better at the end of the day

loosing themselves in the fray
we call love, and swear feelings never sway

or fade away into nothingness
make you feel worthless,
and at fault,not good enough thoughtless


One and the same,
we are both opiates,
poisoning each other in the name of attraction
love, but its just a fatal distraction.

Parents, you must understand
That I do no wish I be alive,
But will not die by my hand
For acceptance and happiness I strive

I desire to be accepted for myself
And strive to be happy so others
Are not depressed by my wasted self
To be happy is a challenge, why bother

For my sisters I still draw breathe
For they woul not understand my death
But you should know my life
Is not lived for myself

when you realize,
she loves to hate you,
and you hate to love her