I'm drowning in the pounding of my own heartbeat

Leave the door unlocked And a light on
Let me sneak through your room at the break of dawn
I'll wake you with a kiss
And other things you wouldn't want to miss
As you open your eyes
You'll find a lovely surprise
*"You're good at this"
"Funny, it's not like I've had much practice"

The world crashes in on itself
Mixing into a conglomeration of colors and blurry shapes
Breathe
I close my eyes and try to focus
My chest moves up and down as if I'd just got done running
Only
I haven't moved
And as it moves I know there should be air filling my lungs but I can't seem to get enough
Can't seem to
Take
A deep
Breath
My head feels light
Like it's floating on clouds just waiting
To come
crashing
down
Breathe
What's wrong with me I'm pathetic Get a grip
Calm. down.
My thoughts scream!

Just breathe

But I can't
The world won't stop spinning
My chest won't stop moving
And my lungs won't fill
**I can't breathe

I have moments
I have moments where things fall away
Where the world is fuzzy
I have moments where things fade to grey
Where the world becomes dark
I have these moments where I can't think
Where I want to scream
I have these moments I can't explain
And yet, I have moments
I have moments where everything seems clear
Where things start to become light
These moments when the world flushes back to color
And I start to write

I read and reread
Again and a again
Each time finding something new
Each time wondering about somthing different
When I can't think
When I can't clear my head
When I'm bored
When I need inspiration
When I'm haveing a bad day
Or when I'm in an awkward social situation
I scroll down as far as it will load
Then I start to read
I could read almost anything you've written a thousand times and never get bored
I wish I could write them all down and make a book
I'd call it the The Golden One and take it with me where ever I go
There's somthing more comforting about pulling out a book instead of a phone

I have a groan inside
It's manifested itself somewhere between my chest and back
A little lower than my heart
It feels like anticipation
The dreadful kind
When you know the other shoe is about to drop
And then it does
It lingers and plucks the stings of my internal organs
It plays me like an out of tune guitar
My heart races
My stomach churns
I sweat
I get the itches and the chills and the shakes
I think this interment would rather have been left in its case

I feel like I'm going to be sick
Pukes everywhere
That didn't make me feel any better
Nope, matter of fact, I still kinda feel like ****