Dreams feel like reality and reality feels like dreams
Everything is intermingling together
Been off my medicine a few days, don’t know if I’m finding myself or losing my way
I’m not going off the rails
Emotions are in check
Just disassociating coming out the wreck
Numbness and blindness the medicine creates
The things you don’t realize until it’s too late

You say all the right things
But only when you’re drunk
You laugh when I remind you
I laugh too

New people see my darkness
They get so intrigued
As if I’m something exquisite
Not to be believed
I don’t romanticize it
It brings me to my knees
But I do embrace it
Maybe my darkness is the most interesting thing about me
I think I feel like I exist.

I have a mouth but still I cannot scream
These memories now haunting my dreams
I cannot sleep I cannot wake
I am stuck in the circles of this misery

I’ve got mine,
And you’ve got yours.
Reasons that is.
If I’m too much, too crazy, too weird for you…
Hello, there’s the door.
I don’t dwell in the superficial, the shallowness, that plagues others day to day.
I am unapologetically me,
Come what may.
At least I am honest with the battles I face.
Even if I stumble, at least it’s with grace…
And some “**** this!” along the way.
I don’t fake, I don’t hide, I won’t pretend to be fine
I battle demons you could never comprehend.
It takes a gentle person to even begin to understand.
Thankfully I’ve got an army, who is  always willing to step in.
You say I’m too brash, too honest, to open
But have you asked why I am the way that I am?
Hello, there’s the door.

“I think I normalize that because of my childhood.”

And my eyes rolled hard.
For like the 10th time tonight.

Who am I
I’m somewhere between the lines
The words the sounds
The lonliness dripping out

Let's be dumb. Make bad decisions, get lost together, write books about it. For ever and ever. Even death, let’s cause hell.

I am awakened with a sensation going through my body

Paralyzed

I can’t move

It’s on me

Clawing at me

Finally I catch a moment

I turn and I yelp

I scream

No one hears me

I’m twisting in the blanket

Something’s watching me

223am my phone vibrates

I wasn’t actually awake

Now I feel this sensation of something all over me

I keep trying to brush it off
Itch it away
My skin is literally crawling.
I know I’m awake for real this time

Night terrors haunt me

These visions dance on the tip of my tongue
Skulls rotating in the darkness I wear my heart on my sleeve
And dream dreams that could be reality
Dancing bones in graveyards
Spirits floating high
I create.
While life floats around me and love fills this heart of mine
I can't see without you by my side
So stay with me until our ashes become ashes In this world that we will eventually despise

And how I only like it when I’m high.



555am
The moon is 99.4% full
Hurricane Idalia is blowing in
I am high and it’s the beginning of sunrise
I like these moments, the in betweens
My thoughts and I can breathe
I understand me

She awoke from her dream
Thoughts going awry.
Alive…?
…What…am…I?
Have I ever known?

I’m not sure where I am
Lights are buzzing overhead
I blink
Blink again

A door opens
I try to take a look around
I am weak
My head barely lifts

A hand grabs mine
“Do you know who I am?”
I look over through bleary eyes
Uhhhh no, I don’t even know where I am.
This must be Hell, for it’s the only place I could ever truly be alive.

“Uhhhh….You’re where your meant to be, what do you mean?”

Why …..
WHY AM I HERE?
Anger ensues
I scream  
I beg
I plead
JUST SEND ME BACK!
“WE SAVED YOUR LIFE!”, the voice speaks again, more intensely this time.

“And who are you to decide who lives and who dies?! “
No response

FUUUCCCCK

Hands are on me  
“We need you to calm down, you’re not making any sense.”

I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!

“Yes you are, life is precious”

I laugh….and laugh again.

“You’ve just got to learn to live, you’ll understand one day.”

You humans never understand
My anger grows

“You have a reason to live!”, the voices plead with me.

I feebly lift my head,
I recognize no one in the room.
“*******” I yell, “you don’t even know me!”

I try to sit up, I am incapable.
“Ma’am, ma’am, please take it easy, we just brought you back to life, you we lost you three times.

Tears begin streaming
I don’t belong here
I don’t belong here
I don’t belong here
I don’t belong here…..

They say your birthmark is how you previously died.
It was the devils hands that killed you in your past life
Or if you’re lucky, he literally loved you to death
Sin and sin again,cause I’m the devils bride
My birthmarks deep and dark on my inner thigh
I was getting head as I ******* died.
I’ve always wanted to go out big, memorable for life.
I just want to ****** as I’m ******* dying

Sometimes I just stare out the window
No idea where my head even goes
I’m disassociating again
The demons are coming in
I just want to let them
Take over, control me
It’s so much easier to just give them the reigns
I’m much more fun that way
People seem to like me better anyway
Now I’m the boring girl
I’m getting my head straight
All this positivity is making people irate
What am I to do?
I’ve never lived for myself
Never existed
Never been able to see a future
They’re petting my head
Telling me it’s okay
Just let go
Cut, loose
I’m staring out the window again
Disassociation should be a sin
I can’t let these demons win

Always the calm to everybody’s storm
All of a sudden they can rest like never before
Rarely is it my turn.
I take it all on
I don’t even mean to sometimes
I’m naturally empathic
It’s hard when I already feel too much
With new people It’s always anxiety x 2
For once, I want to be the storm that needs calming

I just want to sell my soul before I ******* die
Cause if I wake up in heaven ima end my god ****** life
Y’all sell your soul for less every single ******* day
And these demons have been by my side
They whisper in my ear and remind me I’m still safe

Normally Music is my go to
But I put myself in senseory overload
Now I don’t know what to do
Cause my brain is going crazy
Crying, I’ve got an attitude
So ******* worried about you

It’s been a minute since I’ve felt like such a  **** *****
But at this moment I’m just sick of your ****,
The drugs are controlling you
Watching you just need a quick high right when the most important person in your life wanted to be with you

My brain is on overload
Always worried about you
Can’t even sleep at night when you don’t come home
Toss, turn, sweat, im in overdrive
Why do you do this to yourself
Why won’t you listen?
I’ve been nothing but truthful with you
Tried everything I know to help you
Refused to enable you
Only got harsh cause I wasn’t getting through.

I can’t even look you in the eyes anymore, my heart breaks again and again
You’re someone I don’t recognize
I’ve seen demons up close and personal
But baby you’re a creature I don’t know
It’s killing my soul, killing my vibe
Thinking I could lose you at any time

You’ve been my ******* best friend
Since the day that we began, instant connection
You walked into my life and we swore to never end  
Now I don’t know what to do, thinking I could lose you

I think I’m going crazy
Worrying sick over you
I know it’s not my battle, but we fight for who we love
And ****** babe, I truly love you

I’m screaming out your name
Trying to get through to you
Cause crying on your chest and begging you to quit didn’t do ****
You don’t give a ****, so really why should I
But ****, I’m gonna lose it if you die
So I’ll continue to fight for you

You’re my ******* best friend
We’ve done been through it time and again
We’ve always had each others backs through thick or thin, you got me through when I went off the deep end and lost my **** so many times.
So I’ll never give up on you
But it hurts so much watching you die slow

I just wanna scream “come take your manic mind and destroy my ******* body! Use a knife, make it rough, **** me hard, bring me to that moment where you know you ******* own me. Then record me moaning as you ******* choke me, until there’s only whimpers, lost in ecstasy…in each other’s bodies, minds finally set free.”

Even as a child I knew I was mad
I never did think the way others do
I was settled with this
Inevitably, I succumbed to my darkness
This is just who I am  
Madness and sadness all scribbled together

s
yrtsani
   a        o
     w h a t i s ƃ u o ɹ ʍ w i t h m e
        l        f
          a ʇsnɾ
                 c
                 k

I even stared at my notebook tonight
Debated
Will I need it?
My anxiety has been under control
I’ll be fine
Yet something whispered in my mind
I should have listened
To the voices in my head
They never let me down
And now I’m sitting here
Anxiety is going through the roof
Connections are being made
Yet im shaking like a leaf
My heart is racing
And something feels off
I wish I could put my finger on it
I hate when it hits me so suddenly
And I can’t explain and have to walk away
I hate this feeling
It’s not social anxiety
Not tonight
It’s something different
There’s a vibe
I’m trying to flow through it

In those moments that we shared
you were nothing
yet you were everywhere
Pulsating in between the lines
In the static of my life
you were mine and the world was right
_love no more

I’m in trouble, you’re a rebound
I could care less either way
But now you think that I am falling
and I’m pretty sure I’m gay
You don’t have big **** energy
You couldn’t hold this by a thread
You saw my heart beat in front of you
And left me standing there for dead
Thinking feelings were the problem
But you are a ****** friend
And now I will stop calling you
This really is the end
I’d say thank you for the memories
But I was the one making them
So here’s goodbye to my rebound
Thanks for nothing my fake friend

I long for the day someone makes my pain go away. Ever the healer, ever bringing smiles.

I’m doomed to suffer in silence. Only the scars on my wrists know my pain.  

Will I ever find solace? Will something take my tears away?

I feel like I’m screaming, but no one hears. Forever the healer, always the broken.

I can’t help myself, always busy  helping everyone else. Why am I like this?

Do I even care about myself anymore? Maybe I just want to be lost in the void. I feel at home in the darkness. It brings me warmth. I seek it out in others, connect with it, breed with it, create it.

Maybe I am the darkness, wrapped in light. Ms. Grey through and through. I exist in between.

I buy flowers just to watch them die
I reckon this says a lot about my mind
I’ve always found beauty in death and darkness
Raw, real, genuine
People say darkness hides the light
They can’t truly see
It’s only in darkness I have found me
I don’t have light that shines
I have a darkness that sees and loves all the hidden things, one that knows and understands.
A darkness that causes such intrigue
One that makes you smile and plea
A darkness that radiates beauty and shines so bright

But I love it so much
Cause I’m into the scene
And meeting people like me
Yet they’re not because why would two people be so alike
There are those who understand though
And you think they could be
Yet by the end of the night I’m dying internally

I wish I was the one calling the shots
It’s my life I say, but nah it’s not
Cause if I don’t do what I’mtold
I’ll have nowhere to go
Im misunderstood
Unable to be myself
I so badly want you to know ME
But every time I try to share my mind, I’m shutdown
All the progress we’ve made feels so fake
Yeah you say you love me
But how can you when you don’t want to know me, your own daughter.
My thoughts are just demons you say
I’m plagued
discussions turn into fights because it’s your way or nothing
It hurts to see you listen to others and have conversation so polite
You’d quickly disown me too, just like you did my sibling, if I stopped faking just for your sake
Why am I so afraid?
I keep hoping for the day you’ll truly accept me
Our relationship is shallow, stays on the surface
Im unapologetic about not believing the things you do
And that’s been my only truth
Maybe now, here, you’ll finally see who I am




It was silly of me to believe, you might see who I am tonight., you left before I even walked on stage.
Transphobic *******.
I can’t believe I cut down  my set choices, to not mention the demons I call my friends. So I wouldn’t offend. God I wanted you to finally notice me. Now I know that will never happen. Thanks for walking out.

Suicide on my mind yeh
I gotta make the time
I wanna sell my soul
Have some fun before I die
I been playin in the darkness
Ever since I was a child
Demons love to say my name
Call it out until I wake
All I see is red, though my thoughts exist in grey
I’m running with the shadows until I hit the grave
They whisper fun things in my ear
Never let me feel alone
They like to play little games just to see how far I’ll go
I’m still waitin on them to tell me how to sell my soul
Or does Satan already have it, I’ve always been cold but hot like I’m wrapped in the flames

You’ve never truly seen her until  she cries and her eyes turn green
she’s so profoundly, beautifully sad

Everyone thinks that they know her thinks that they get her
believe they understand

it’s unfortunate for the souls that she steals
cause they never really know what they’re getting into
Suddenly addicted
Witnessing her chaotic mess

She’s just my type, she’s just my type
I’ll love her for more than a night
What a mind, what a beauty, you don’t know what she does to me
She’s just my type, I love her mind

You’ve never truly seen her till she’s on fire
her eyes are a light  
Passions fueling her mind
She ******* comes alive
She’s something different, I’ll  tell her 1000 times

She still doesn’t see it
Doesn’t believe it
Stuck inside her mind
Nobody gets her, she’ll never live up to  expectations
She lives in all these lies

Ohhhhh but
She’s just my type, she’s just my type
I’ll love her for more than a night
What a mind, what a beauty, you don’t know what she does to me
She’s just my type

crippling anxiety 
running in circles
thoughts overflowing
fragments
what is this pull
i must ignore
can’t succumb 
cravings
depth and understanding
out of this world 
true communication
levels
what is, cannot be 
have to find control
don’t want to let go
facts

Hail. *******. Satan. My brain is funky again.

Words and emotions scribbling up my brain
Anxiety ******* me harder than a bbc
I want to ****…in live
And stop dying in my head
But how can I live when I don’t actually exist

Have you ever truly seen me
The one who does not exist
I flow so effortlessly between
All those I call my friends
I am this way
Then I’m that
One person to the next
Something to everyone
But no ones only one
A chameleon , so beautifully blending in
Always in the background
Never the big picture
Ever notice that I’m really just not there?

And where do you begin
When again and again
You’re either too much
Or you’re just not enough
Ms Grey, forever, dying to being seen
Too bold too afraid
Everything is a game

When will I learn
Every time I let myself show
I think that’s what they want
But no
Intrigued by me, yet still just used for the night
A connection, so deep, you’re just like me!
I guess they read me, so ******* easily
Cause it happens again and again
And everyone has something to say
The I told yous and audacity, thrown my way
I wish I could stop finding the good in the worst people
How do you unlearn what you’ve done your whole life

I’m drunk at 10am
And this house is far too bright for all my sins
My head hurts
And I’m alone
Again
Always
I’m the one who has to sit with this
I’ve ****** up
I’ve gone against myself
Im living in a moral neverland

I want to scream
Nothings going my way
Has it ever
Or is today just a day
My mind is broke
My heart it hurts
My head aches
Lost phone
Words
People
Shut up
I’m lost, broke
Not feeling myself
I’ll say it again
Disassociation should be a sin
Split
I’m not even my own

Your stomach in knots
A relentless force
Consumed with these thoughts
That keep on playing over
You sway back and forth
Your face it contorts
Interpret obscene
Oblivious I seem
It never will end
Look at who I am
I have no more pride
I ditched my ride
I'm useless
It happened so quick
It makes me feel sick
A sheer heart attack
I guess I got my wish

And where do I begin?    
Without giving in, boundaries crossed or saying too much?
What’s it take to just feel enough?
In between



I’m getting back on stage
My voice will be heard
It’s never about me
It’s always about someone else
I’m going to make it about me
******* finally.



Can we go inside?
The wind keeps blowing and my *** keeps showing



I can feel the tides changing
And once again I’ll be left standing
Heartbroken and calling out
Forever left searching


Life has felt suspended lately



But you are not part of this crowd



Here I am an open book but nobody seems to look dying inside screaming. See me. Please. I sit I scream



Story of my life
I said to much
I made it weird
I am weird

I’m always the person left behind
I’m never seen
I can hand you the one I made
And I’m still nothing

Forever behind
Forever unseeen
**** life
I’m sick of being in between