It's been 2 years since I last wrote

I fell in love again

It's been 6 months
More

And this time, I'm not drowning in an ocean
My legs dangle in the warmth of a rock pool while the sun warms my face

But in the back of my mind, I know there's an expiration date
I know the day will end
And I will have to leave the beach

'I don't want you waiting for me, that just breeds resentment and anger.'

I understand, I do

Where you were coming from when you broke up with me

I understand the fear that I might be waiting for you out of obligation, or cowardice

But now we're broken up, have been for over a month

I've said and done some stupid things since then

But only because I didn't want to accept

What I really think now

Is the truth

That I still want to wait for you

We aren't together, there's no obligation for me to wait for you any more

You've given me a ticket out, a door to escape through

After all the pain and suffering

And I've been standing on the threshold

And perhaps glimpses of what lies beyond the door have been tempting

But I'm closing the door now

Still on the same side as you

Because I'm choosing to wait

No strings attached

This is the choice I'm making

Perhaps it isn't the right one

But I don't think it's the wrong one

So I will sit here, and I will wait

And maybe one day, you'll want to try again as well

And we can build something new together

On the glittering ashes of what we had

You told me

Texting/Being online/The internet made you feel sick and uncomfortable

That your anxiety couldn't handle it

And I believed you

I made myself believe that that made it okay when you ignored me for days on end

But now I realise

You lied to me

I made you feel sick

You were able to talk to other people

I saw when my best friend came to stay with me

It was me in particular you were ignoring

Which isn't fair because I never did anything wrong

And maybe you were just trying to protect my feelings

But instead you've hurt me more than you know

You've left me broken

And too scared to fall in love again

I hope you're happy

i'm a self destructive person

so i relate to the lines

'fine, make me your villain'

because sometimes i'll make myself the villain on purpose

because i think it's easier than letting someone try to forgive me

maybe i really am the villain