a crumpled milk carton
discarded...fallen
in the gutter, another
black and white photograph

a tooth fairy smile-
something missing,..

a coldness
from the shuttered window
in the shadows
of a quiet day
...Xavier doesn't play here anymore.

r ~ 8/17/14

he told me every night to close the window
but I just wanted it open in case I needed someone to hear me scream

Today tastes like
Satisfied saturday lie ins
and accompanied sleepy yawns
Tea in bed
toast crumbs

Today tastes like
Washing pegs I hold in my mouth
while ******* things
out on the line

Today tastes like
Saturday sweetie day
peanut m n m's
and other sugary
treats hooray!

Today tastes like a trip to the zoo
animal antics
fruit bats
meerkats
and tamarin tantrics

Today tastes like
My son's hearty hugs
he's been away all week
with the scouts
a hearty dinner
whilst he recounts
his trip's losers and winners

Today tastes like
brightly coloured family
television shows
of sofa time and
cheesey toes
(before i put the boys
in the bath)

Today tastes like
relaxation
tea and more tea
Maybe I'll allow
myself a
cheeky glass of wine
to further relax
and unwind!

and here i am again
at the intersection
of pedestrian language
& old wives tales
swallowing gum
like 7 year memories
opening umbrellas inside
cause i can't seem get away
from all of this rain
i ******* with my left hand
cause i was told
back in highschool that
"it feels like someone else is doing it"
it gets me wondering
about the difference between
losing you and finding out
that some one else found you
or my sleep
or lack thereof
its starting to tear me apart
i keep having this dream
where you are in
an unfamiliar body of water
trying to wash my poetry
off of your hands
or the one where
something happens in my chest
every time you sit
on someone else's bed
i'm tired of feeling like something you've misplaced
but don't have the heart
to look for anymore
tired of you saying my name
like you're trying to bury it
i'm tired of wondering
if you can tell the difference
between the absence
of my voice & silence
the other day
i almost started sobbing
at work when a woman
asked me about
our equipment
i was explaining how
things come apart
and almost mentioned your name
it made me think
of how you used to say
things like "what would you do
if i showed up on your doorstep
one day?" now, i haunt
the windows in my house
i don't leave for weeks at a time
i sit on the porch like the dog
you didn't shoot behind the shed
the one that refuses to die
until you come home again
i told somebody once, that
you didn't even know
what my voicemail sounded like
i wonder if they thought
it was because you
are so important that i never
let it ring that many times
before picking up
or if you dont know
what it sounds like
because you've never called
you can't be the ****** weapon
and the search party
i'm tired of all the seats
to the ferris wheel in my chest
being empty
tired of your voice
being the one i look for
in abandoned places
that one sound i beg
to bounce back
down vacant hallways
i just seem to stand there
in all of that quiet
like someone looking for a mistake
on an eviction notice
so i guess the hardest part
isn't letting go
it's forgetting
you ever had a grip
in the first place
and since you've been gone
i wonder if when
you pushed yourself away from me
you used your left hand
so it felt like someone else did it

I came here to seek refuge
I came here and slept in refuse
And when I searched for help, I found no love​
When I cried for freedom, I couldn’t see above
So I gave my life, heart to you

I fell into you and found refuge
I fell into you and I couldn’t refuse
You took my life and squeezed me dry
You burnt my soul and left me high
So I lost my head, myself to you

All I wanted was refuge
All I wanted was not to be refused
Exchanging depression for oppression
Repression for apparent expression
And I gave my love, my whole to you

What I found was false refuge
What I needed was to refuse
I worked the night and pushed the day
I cruised for hope and fought dismay
Not for me, I fought for you

Time slowed and all became pain
I held my breathe and felt the strain
You tore my heart out from my chest
Held it above its open nest
You said you left me. But I left you

And now I clearly live in refuge
And sleep in peace and always refuse
I want the finer things in life
Not to be the minor thing in life
I fight for me now not for you

Time with you feels like travelling through a never ending tunnel
one that brims with uncertainty and complete darkness
I never know what to expect from your pace and direction
nor do I feel the existence (any longer) of (if any) connection

I feed on the minute glimpse of sunlight that creeps ahead
Stay my love, stay with me, you plead
because you know this is a one way track
and there really is no turning back

We twist, we turn
We crash, and we burn
We crave, and we yearn
We lose, and we learn

I guess no matter where this takes us
I have you, and you, me
someday love will wrap around and blanket us instead
and our bodies will bath in the light ahead

There, I whisper quietly
Words that make no sense
But have deep meaning
At the empty cup
of which I sipped the last possible drops
of my morning tea
Now all there is left in it -
The future built in healthy past
All the possible pasts
And the most deranged present
Probably,
The reflection is not true to me anymore

All these grounds of reality have sunk too low
And my expectations have rose so high
Sometimes I wish I was DC Comic Character
with flying abilities
and for some reason I am high
since few days
not because of some hallucinogens
No, Not the tea
of colourful thoughts painted in black and white dreams
The birds outside chirp in a strange tone
Like some mechanized toy
Its already hard to find a bird in my surrounding

The cup was long gone
Realizations failed to realize this event
Until I got off my  chair and
got a piece inside my skin

Dreams are just like that
They fall off without getting noticed
and they get shattered
You fail to realize until you start walking
after a long sigh, out of apprehension
after a short rest
and you have already missed your way
You get back just a piece of memory
Every moment redefines you
Every morning tea is a memory
Every cup is just a moment

the ocean and your eyes might as well be composed of the same things
both are
deep
dark
and have the ability to **** you in and leave you gasping for air