We passed each other tonight
Along the back road in town
Heading in opposite directions
Unaware
Of our proximity

And that's how it'll be now.
Forever coming within breaths
Of one another.
But never reaching out again.
Never even wanting to.

Like everything
I never knew
I don't know
Who I am
Without you.

~TMH

The scariest moment
Is realizing that I've forgotten
I've forgotten what it was like
To have you here.
And this new world
Where you aren't has become
A world I've become accustomed to.
My new norm,
And that is terrifying

Sometimes,
The right person
Will come at the wrong time.
And sometimes you're only given,
That one chance.
So if that was our one shot,
I'll never regret taking it.

I'll search for you again,
In the next life.

I used to wait for the day
When I would be someone's world.
Their whole life
Orbiting around me.

Then I wanted to be the center
Of someone world.
Not the whole thing but the most
Important.
The most vital.

But then one day
I woke up to a life.
Where neither one gave me
What I thought it would.
Instead of happy and loving.
It was controlling and degrading.

So today
I want a world where I am
The center of my own.
Where I revolve around my own
Axis,
Being my own whole world.
And that is where
I finally found my
True love.
My true north.

There is no such
Thing as:
Unrequited love.
Only love,
Never meant for you.

Nurses are sitting on the edge of a cliff
Not able to move.
Unable to take any steps forward,
Or back.
Strapped to the side,
Suspended over the precipice of,
What must get done, what must be left behind.
Just trying to catch all of the pieces,
That get thrown off the edge.
Of an overflowing healthcare system.
Filled to the breaking point,
With the sick and dying.
Burdened by chronic and acute illnesses.
Plaged by a pandemic that stretches
The walls and foundation of an already
Crushing patient load.
And we're struggle to make it work.
Grasping at any available leverage,
To keep our patients safe.
Our brains running on overdrive,
Nearly as fast as our feet are.
We're struggling to hold up our patients,
To keep everything from falling over the edge.
Strung together side by side,
An "invincible" wall,
That's is slowly crumbling.
As we get sick,
Burdened by our duty to be everything,
And yet never fully anything.
And as one falls,
We pick up the burden left in their wake.
Grab the hand of our fellow nurse
To keep the wall up for our patients.
Hoping and prayer there is an end.
That there is help coming,
Before our invincibility fails,
Crushed by a system to heavy to manage.
And we are all left shattered.

I get up
Every morning to fight
The same demons I fought
The day before.
Knowing it'll probably end the same
Tear stained pillows
And razor blade art.
But I get up
Hoping today is the day
The switch is flipped
And the demons aren't quite
As strong as the day before.
Until one day
The demons maybe
For the most part are gone.

If the good didn't come with the bad.
How would we know the difference
Between the two?
If we never knew sorrow,
How would we know great joy?
If we never knew lose,
How would we know love?
We forget that one without the other,
Means there was never anything at all.
I would rather know grief,
Then never having loved.
And I would rather have known bad,
Then having never known the good.
There are two sides for a reason,
One without the other leaves us
With a monotone palate of expression.

I wonder if  all the things
I left unsaid,
Are the things that hurt
Me the most.

Maybe,
I'm my biggest heart break.

~TMH

There is this innocence we have as children.
This fundamental right
to believe in a world where anything is possible.
That our daddy's can scare away any boogeyman,
Hiding under our beds or in our closets.
That the world is full of possibilities,
and there is endless time
covered in romantic notions.
But as adults we are no longer fundamentally innocent.
We are patchworks.
Taped in some spots that come lose all the time.
And sewn together in other spots,
That don't come undone all so often.
But we are broken and glued back together,
more often then even we are willing to admit to ourselves.
We harbor resentment and bias,
creating our own worlds in which the boogeyman
is everyone.
and not a soul can save us from him.
The part of us that was so eager,
The part of us that believed in a world of endless possibility
Withers and rots.
Leaving just the acidic taste of lack luster life.
Endless, monotonous daily tasks.
Craving the days when the world didn't feel like
The inside of stove with the pilot burning but out.
We are no longer the innocent.
We are the patchwork creation of a life,
That hasn't always been forgiving.
We are what our children think can save them from anything.
We are the boogeyman killer
The demon vanquisher.
Patchwork and all we may not be innocent,
But we are strong.

I have stepped down from the
Pedestal in which you placed me.
With shaking knees
And sweaty palms.
And I hope that maybe now you'll see
Everything you thought I was
Was what you wanted not me.

I have felt exquisite wonder
And I have felt devastating lose.
I have been wrapped in the softest love.
And cut by the sharpest regret.
My life has been a lifetime movie gone wrong.
But also a Hallmark movie gone so right.
My skin has been blistered by abuse,
And it has been soothed by honeyed lips.

I have been overwhelmed with heartache,
But I've been overwhelmed with elation too.
I spent long periods of my adolescents and early 20s
Retreating to the dark,
Hopeless,
Desperate to disappear.
Believing I was Noone
Convinced I'd never be anyone.

I have been so beaten by despair,
Left battered, and bruised.
Untethered from my life,
Shrouded in worthlessness.
And I have felt so elevated with purpose,
Lifted battered and bruised back onto my feet.
With resolve so strong
I've  felt it in my bones.
Illuminated with determination.

Every time I swore I couldn't get up again,
I did.
Every time I feared this was the one that did me in,
It wasn't.
Every dark corner I never thought I'd find my way out of,
I found my way to the light.
Everything meant to destroy me,
Also created me.

Each destruction a platform for my rebirth.
A place to rise from the ashes.
A stepping stone that said:
"I've been here. It's time to move on."

My life has been a constant Flux between
Horrendous and wonderous.
On a pendulum gage swinging back and forth.
And in the end,
I'm thankful for all I've learned from it,
And the strength I've achieved because of it.

And I jump off the deep end.
I dive head first into this..
Possibility of future.  
Where before I couldn't
See past the next few
Moments just surviving.
I've jumped.
Hoping at the possibility of
A future where the loss of my past
Can be managed,
With you.
Praying I haven't
Jumped head first into
An empty pool.

Oh how I wish I could go back.
I wish that I could tell you,
It's going to be okay.

Every struggle you're in.
Every harmful thing,
Done to you.
It won't control you forever.

Oh my younger self.
I wish I could show you,
The future you will have.
The beautiful daughter you brought,
Into this world.

I can't tell you.
So present me stay present.
Don't faulter.
Do not back down.
Because despite the fact that you think,
You are never strong enough.
You,
You are stronger then you will ever truly
Know it need.

Stay prsesent, present self.
Do not look behind you.
Do not look to far forward.
Stay prsesent.
Your life us just beginning.

You ask “What happened?”

My mouth goes dry.
My brain fogs over.
And I don’t know what to say.
I pull down my shorts.
Past my knees.
Hiding my shame.
Hoping the mere action will allow enough time,
To pass and you'll forget you asked a question.

“Are you scratching yourself again?”

And you give me an out.
The darkness of the night,
The only light from the fire.
Hiding my true shame
The depth and scar tissue only shadows.
And the multitude of scars hidden,
By the darkness.
And you answer for me.

So I say “Yes, not on purpose.”

A half truth.
I don’t Mean to, until I do.
I don't mean to, until I need to.
And I’m reminded of why I have to hide.
Because questions freeze my tongue.
And I’m ashamed enough for everyone.

I always thought
As a child that
Quicksand would be
A bigger problem then it seems.

But then I realize
My mind is quicksand.
That slowly drags me in
Suffocating me in depression
Memories,
Losses,
Failures.
And the more I struggle
To free myself
The more lodged inside them
I become.
Dying slowly.

So maybe
Quicksand is a pretty big issue.
You just can't
See it.

My world feels like,
It's always moving at 100 MPH
And I'm always running
To catch up without
Ever reaching a Single destination.

As a mother,
I wish for you undying love.
A life that leads you to your highest calling.
A world that surrounds you
In such light you have no other
Option then to succeed with elegance.
To be gifted such loyalty,
From others you never question
Their intentions.
That life for you,
Is precious and deep.
And your love of life is unwavering.
As a realist,
I know your life will have hardships.
Times coated in darkness.
I only hope I raise you strong enough,
To withstand the storms.
I know you will be betrayed,
And led to question those around you.
Filling your perception with venom.
I only hope you never get,
So jaded you can't see the good,
That still exists.
You'll lose people and things.
You'll cry yourself to sleep,
On more then one occasion.
I only hope I've given you,
Enough self love to know,
You have to get up again,
After the tears have fallen,
And the pain has been felt.
You have to rise.
As a realistic mother,
I know your journey through life
Won't be easy.
And like the rest of us,
Life will test your strength.
I only hope that when it's all said,
And your life is done.
You can look back and know
You were given everything you needed to succeed.
And despite those that hurt you,
Bruised you, or betrayed you.
You were loved beyond measure.

Not a month goes by without
The reminder that my dad
Isn't here anymore.
Not a day goes by,
That I am not reminded
Of the fact that I am
In all essence of the word an orphan.
With no family to rely on.
Not a second goes by
That I am not reminded
Of the fact that you
Are gone and I still need you.
And it's not easy,
Figuring who I am now,
Without you.
Time doesn't pass unnoticed.
I am reminded of your absence
With every second you are gone.
Like a bad joke,
And I just don't get the punch line.

In the deepest parts of my mind.
Where the waters,
Ripple in the rip tide.

I've traveled to far in,
In the darkness
Swallowed from within.

From the ashes,
Of my life.
I rise,
I crawl, I fight.

My fingers ****** and raw.
Here I stand,
In the glory of my flaw.

I rise.
Always I will rise!

And she stepped back.
Turned her face to the sky.
Her lips turned upward.
Bursting into flames.
She wasn't dying
She was rising from the ashes of her past.

For most people routine
Is something they avoid.
The fear of being bored,
Being with someone who bores them.
However I spent my life in a shamble
Of never knowing what it would be like.
Every day a struggle of unknown.
Would my mother be the nice witch?
Or would the hag be the one
to come and play.
I spent years cowering in corners.
Ducking out of reach.
Trying to be invisible
Unseen, unheard.
So for me I desire routine.
A man who isn't afraid of ordinary.
Mundane, a simple life.
One where there isn't any questions
About who will show up to play.
Only the knowing that,
Today,
And every other day,
Will be ordinarily extraordinary.
That is a fairytale for a girl like me.

I've run out of things
To say, to write.
I spend days thinking all day.
Never able to put them down on paper.
Conversations in my head.
This I should have said.

Of a life that's so broken .
That I don't want to,
Can't get out of bed.
Hitting snooze,
Until I'm already late.

But I can't seem to find the words.
To put on paper.
Of all the things I'd wish I'd done.
All the things I should have said.
Times I should have walked away,
And stayed away.

So I sit in my silence.
I sit in my revery.
And I will myself to find the words.
To explain to you,
How very much I wish I could hate you.

The problem with depression
Is how it lets you go
Just long enough to feel safe.

Only to come back so quickly.
With such force
You are reeling from the impact,
Slipping under the waves.

Gasping for air,
Not even sure if you want to breath.
Drowning in saltwater tears.

She makes broken
Look beautiful.
    Her scars she wears
     Like grace.
And when she spoke

I swore time stood still
And honey dripped from
     Her center like satin.

                      ~CataclyticEvent

The sky has always been
A place of solace for me.
A comforting place
A warm embrace.

From my bedroom floor
As a teenager
Broken and bleeding
Watching the stars and the moon
Praying for no more.

My bedroom window
As a new mother
Just begging her daughter
To go to sleep
Swinging back and forth
In the moonlit glow that fell upon my floor.

And here I stand now
On my porch steps
Looking up at a sunset
So vibrant and warm
In my heart
I know it's you
You're watching somehow.

And when I'm old and grey
And my eye sight is gone
My hearing lost
The memories of every single
Night sky
Sunset and sunrise
Will  keep my solace
Until I leave this place.

I saved the best for last.
I saved the end til now.
To mark the sky in oil paints.

Some days are better than others.
some days i can get up.
get dressed.
Without any thought or anxieties.
other days.
I wake up.
and the first thing that happens,
is an onslaught of worries.
Of things that might happen.
Things that could go wrong.
On those days i drown.
Trying to hold it together.
To get through the day.
Faking my normalacy.
But often i fail.
Questioning everyone around me.
Paranoid.
Growing distant.
Building walls.
Some days,
The walls are so high i can't see anything.
Just lonely darkness.
But missing everyone
Most days,
I Am Drowning.

I guess i never understood true lineliness.
Where not a soul.
Reaches yours.
In a room full of people,
There is no connection.
No recognition.
Between souls.
When you died,
And he left.
My soul split in two.
Half leaving with him
The other half leaving with you.
And i was left,
Alone.
Empty and lonely.
Utterly lost.

In a life i don't want.
With people who don't care.
And everywhere i look,
I wish you were both there.

Some days the world seems
To spin faster.
And I'm left feeling
Dizzy and confused.
Hoping to catch my breath
Before I collapse.

My skin,
Like stained glass windows.
Nearly translucent ,
With colorful artwork.
Imperfections in the glass,
Hidden behind colorful staining.
It's harder to see the major imperfections,
With pretty artwork upon the walls.