I always take a deep breath, close my eyes and let that feeling take over me.

Every day, only for a few seconds, I allow my body to remember your touch, allow my mind to remember your voice, yet I’ll never let my heart remember your love.

The bruises are long gone from my skin, the wounds healed by time, however my heart is hardly beating, barely holding on. It took me a long time to realize the anguish I found myself in, an eternity to uncover the many masks you wore with me.

There was a finesse in your abuse, an artfulness to your ways. You would soften your blows with tender words, softly touching what you already hurt.

For days, weeks and months, I stayed. I stood by you, blindfolded, numb to the constant pain, used to the steady flow of fear cursing through my veins.

I loathe that I let you in, let you break me down repeatedly but most of all, I hate that I love you.

I feel like a loser stuck on the same level of life
Dying on the same exact part time after time again
Retry retry retry
I remember retry more fluently than my own name
Just wanted to be someone
Mean "special" in another's heart
Instead I received a dagger in my own
As the blood spills in circle around me
Forming a barrier I cannot cross
I stand, because I don't believe I deserve to sit
Absorbing the hatred towards myself
For becoming this being that I am not
What was I thinking when I decided to follow through with this plan
I realized it was wrong so long ago but it was a simpler time
Back than I was ignorant to the fact on what life really was
That it wasn't about being liked
It wasn't about being everyone's favorite
Now that I know the truth nothing is the same
I look upon my hands screaming fake at the top my lungs
I am fake, this is not who I am
It's too late for me though
Cause though I realize that this not who I am it is too late turn back
Not that there is a back to turn to
All I see is a trail of ashes because I burnt the real me out of existence
I don't even remember what I look like behind the mask
How could of been so blind
Now I cry in my sleep as attempt to remove the mask
Knowing that it is permanently glued to my face
For it is now my face
Because my true face has dissolved to waste

I can't say in words how I feel now. I'm just trying to figure out this guilt, this hurt I'm holding inside me. I didn't understand the meaning of the phrase "You realize what you had until it's gone" until the day I lost what I cared for...you. There's an emptiness inside me and I can't find a way to fill it. Everyone I start to care for, they all just fall into a void and I know I'm losing my way in this world.

The ropes that holds me are slowly breaking; letting me fall inch by inch, and there's no way for me to tell, what will happen to me when I fall into the darkness. You made my world so different from what it was before, your sole presence changed me so much, and now that I have felt the sweetness of your love I can't go back to the darkness of this world, the depravity and cruelty of everyone in here.

Regrets fills my thoughts, not letting me think of anything but you. Your words, your feelings, your smile and most of all your love. I still can't believe all the things that I did. All my actions filled with stupidity and misjudgment. Could you ever see past them?

I hope you will be able to forgive me, even if what I did cannot hope for forgiveness. I know that we will never be as we were before. I can only wish that we could be friends again, even only that would be glorious gift to me. It really kills me though, that you have left me here, completely forgetting my existence. I really do believe that's what hurts my soul the most.

Anytime I think of you, I hear your name or I see anything that involves you, there's a shudder that overcomes my body. A shiver I cannot control. Your memory has changed me so much and I can't but notice that I still love you. You own my heart and soul, I cannot deny that I can't let anyone in, even if I try with all my strength.

I wear a fake smile every single day, laughing or smiling when I feel I'm supposed to, but I can't keep this act together for much longer. It pains me that I have to pretend with everyone, with my friends especially. I can't keep talking about this but I wish upon the stars that you will remember what we had and forgive me. I want to hear your laugh again, and I want yo see your smile. I want you to come back, I need you to come back.