Topsy- turvy upside down
I wear my smile as a frown
An introvert I shy away
but extrovert’s what I display
Out in the world I am on stage
to hide the fact I am afraid
Anxiety is creeping in
but must fight back; It can not win
Often in life what you expect
The opposite is what you get
A spectacle I will create
The food for sharks and I’m the bait
Gregarious is what they see
as I draw all their eyes on me
In center ring with a spotlight
The playful clown who’s filled with fright
For sacrifice I am the sheep
Look strong and brave; Inside I weep
The irony in all of this
Is how deep down the thing I miss
I want so much it makes me ache
Sent to the brink; I can not take
Such loneliness and agony
A caring touch is what I need
To hold someone and feel them close
Not memories of past haunting ghosts
A partner I can trust and share
Equal respect and loving care
Connection of mind and body
And pleasure from their company
Raw instincts and ****** desires
Have their place but soon get tired
Companion who will laugh with me
Life’s silliness and comedy
Travel the world and go nowhere
Responsible without a care
A will that’s stern but not too much
Must also have a tender touch
All of me I wish to share
A worthy mate I love and care
Instead I sit alone in thought
Did not pursue the things I sought
No actions taken, change or risk
Potential not pursued and missed
A civil war I wage inside
I ebb and flow like changing tides
My life is one big paradox
Possess the keys but chain and lock
myself in one big twisted maze
and set all hope of joy ablaze
I’m at the helm; I steer the ship
Aim for the iceberg’s peeking tip
A massive wreck sent to the bottom
Deep abyss I can’t get out of
Locked by fate and where I’ll be
I self-fulfill my destiny
Nothing to no one
All alone
A loser; This is set in stone
Rigid belief inside my mind
So in retreat I run and hide
It's calm and warm in my safe place
Tell myself lies; Don’t want to face
The sad, sad world myself put in
A game of life I’ll never win
This poem is my only escape
I'm on the verge about to break
The pain I feel; The tears I hide
Put up my walls; Keep it inside
Committed to this life’s performance
Play your part or they'll suspect
Each tick, each tock; The days go by
And pass in waste; Yet question why
I travel through both time and space
Merely a blip and then erased
A grain of sand on endless beach
With outstretched arms I grasp and reach
A last attempt of sad despair
But life moves on and no one cares
Written: April 8, 2018
All Rights Reserved
sadness loneliness fear anxiety depression failure loser nothing