Living is staring at the spinning walls every night
Love is thinking about texting someone and forgetting
Happiness is driving for hours at a time with no end

Living is waking up with your liver hurting
Love is the daily phone call where you say everything is going just fine
Happiness is being able to watch hours of YouTube at night

Living is driving through the hills, windows down with some upbeat music
Love is recording my voice saying “I love you” and spending hours to change it so it’s not me but still sounds real
Happiness is a quilt my great grandmother gave me

Living is curling yourself up so tight that it hurts
Love is reading the same books multiple times because your heart hurts so much it makes you sick with how much you love the characters
Happiness is waking up and never getting out of bed

Living is the hand tremors
Love is the acid reflux
Happiness is from the bottom of the bottle

Living is dancing to songs early in the morning
Love is a warm bath with lavender
Happiness is the smell of spring cleaning

Whatever this is though
Doesn’t make me feel alive

My tinny laugh fills rooms my lungs could only hope to achieve
Merriment and the soul of old Bachus
fills this weary frame
I'm told I'm so full of life
The life of the party
So happy that I exhale living
I'm living
I am alone in my room
I'm living
Haggard blonde hair and purple eyes look at me in the mirror
my face is red, my marbles are bleeding
Thoughts of stories and characters I love with all my heart
emesis on pages that used to be blank
I talk to myself almost constantly
words and phrases repeated in a Tourettic staccato
Blinking away the inner rain as I walk into stores
"Sometimes I just get hit with an intense sadness
Where I want to curl into myself
Light the forge of my heart
Warm these dying limbs"
I am told I look so happy
And I wonder if I perhaps should have gone into acting
I feel so often like the cliche
asking myself in between podcast and music and ****
"It's...never going to get better is it?"
and I've spent so many years fighting to answer that question
I've spent many years fighting for the answers
in questions that I don't want to ask
I'm struck by fits of inexorable sadness
and two decades of reflection has given me nothing but these words
written in dark rooms
with my smiling face

The snow swirls around a cold room
Iron in my stomach
I'm burning up from the rotgut
Open a door to invite the flurries inside
Embrace my shivering limbs
Cool my throbbing stomach

Words come to me like spirits spilled across an ouija board
subliminally controlled and full of promises
we both know I can't keep
Whispers into the crimson contents of upturned bottles
Screamed into a porcelain bowl soon after
My body is dying
my organs are organizing a union against me
they demand water
less *****
maybe a walk around outside every once in a while
I find myself wrapped in a comforter of my own *******
I'm letting down my body
and so many other things
handed so many things
and failing to do anything with them
I'm a shell
I can't seriously think about anything
I can't seriously do anything
I have nothing left

The words in my head are buzzing between themselves
so angry
they want me to do something more, something different
like they have a mind of their own
they want to be me so bad
flesh and ***** instead of words and synapses;
I'm so sorry
I try so hard to say its not my fault
I curl into the bath with them
they whisper to me
taunt me
tell me I'll never be 'the show'
I try and numb myself but their words cut into me like a knife
heated to spread butter
their words fill my brains folds
and I walk around with my brain smoothed into my skull
I go into my moods
throwing, creating, drinking
forcing ideas into the wall
the miserable sound stings as the slide down
my skull;
the first whispers down my spine
making my feet hurt
after standing all day in dress shoes;
the second whispers along the walls
teasing what others have said;
the third sits inside me
telling me what I really need to hear from myself;
I **** and moan and rage
as they talk among themselves
they tell me most don't have a voice
that controls them
they say they control the voice
I call *******;
There's a voice inside me that doesn't want others to know he exist
and tries to stop me from knowing him;
these insects plague me;
the voices can't be played with
trapped in my head
but they become flies
trying to suffocate me in sleep
I swipe at them
my hands joining them in the air symphony
I fold in on myself
it hurts
it hurts a lot
my body is telling me to go
my mind is screaming stop
I hug them both in bed at night.
Trying to convince one to take the blame

There's a bluebird in me
He drowns in my left ventricle
Shots of liquor and stories
After I shout at him to be quiet for one more evening
Let my hands dance across what they may
The paper, the keys, the strings, the body
I hush him when he whimpers
Telling him tomorrow he can breath
He wants to get out

I talk to him when he flutters
I ask if he wants this to end
Sure things are bad
He can’t sleep as the frogs croak in my throat
And the violinist plays my intestine strings
But I glare at him
Telling him he wants to give up the good times
Accusing him
What about the smiles on our friend's faces?
What about being real to us?
What about the success we’ve made soaked with our whiskey-stained tears?
He wants to get out

When it's late, I let him out
There is no shortage of alone time with him
He never feels lonely in our tango
I let him fly around my room as I toss and turn
We watch the lights of the parking lot fly across the walls
Looking at the designs our blindness gives us
Can we find a story on those walls?
A phrase, an idea
We often go to bed tired and wake up so
With the lights giving us nothing
He wants to get out

I whisper to him that he is right
Neither of us believes me
But he will always be trapped in my heart
And he can’t ****** me to change
The lights are telling us a story of a bird
Trapped in a cage.
We won’t talk about who it is
But they want to get out

Skin falls around my nails like so many ribbons
They gum up my keyboard
Trying to stop my fingers from completing their duet
Across these blank keys
I pause
To bite a nail
To drink some water
To look around me
Fall out of the moment
Life is just a series of pauses
Flying by to fast to recognize
But a moment isn’t a point
It’s this big messy thing
A moment is the edge of your vision
No hard lines, just a melding of there and not there
Like water flowing from one spot to the next
No matter where it is

Words flow through this point like it was being fed by a vein
Each pump of this mechanical failure spilling them out
I use the finest tipped pens
to create such delicate lines
I am writing this on a legal pad
Sitting in the nurse's station
I write whatever I can
Wherever I can
This is written on the back of some notes I took on a patient
Who twist his words without even realizing
Just how caught up in himself he is
I see so much of myself in him
So much of a life I've been fighting to end
So obsessed with myself while hating the very idea of narcissism
Humble to show those I could be
I was nice, I was there, I was
Different
That was before though
Before college
Before friends
Before my liver became harder than I ever could after starting Prozac
I am so different than him now
But I have to wonder
Will I say the same thing about myself now
After a few years
Will I be writing this
Again?

blue and gold words float about my head
cherubs for a cause that is lost to the whispers into the night
REM sleep is the flavor of the day
I take too many spoonfuls
tired tired, REM is the opposite of tired
I learned
from a neurologist
who I never met
gluttonous cravings
I want to be so full
when I feel so empty
fathers pride, sisters admonishment
everyone loves a successful doc
except what they leave behind in the suicide doc
waterfalls crash down
my shoulder ache more than a tooth
wound up like an old Calvin and Hobbes
my body is failing me
muscle synapses fire to a random
staccato beat
I have to wonder
am I alive anymore"
or is this part of the play
of me

lithe heat strikes this insipid core
a corpse beyond any defintion
my heart is failing
my brain is failing soon
my liver
pancreas
are odes to grecian God's
ambrosia is the **** of the grecian urn
Mary Percy Shelly shelled
Why do I feel like Frankestien
the monster, not the creator
the tag line i need to say
to show i am me,  i am smart
that i am not Dr. Frankentien
wasting away with a prompt
that i am real
i am real
I am real
please
please God
I am real

Muscles twitch in a ******* meandering
You are skirting the edge again
Fibrotic restriction of failing lungs
Punch the muscle the size of a fist
Keep on keeping on **** you
Build me a box of screens
Let me put my head in it
Drown me in fluid entertainment
Fill my head with anything other than me
**** and ******
Reality and macabre
The world is ending
The people who get paid to do so
Will say
The Amazon is on fire
The ice is on fire
Honk Kong is on fire
Lebanon is on fire
What the hell
Did polar bears do wrong
To get set on fire?

Snow falls for the first time this year
The cyclic rhythm, haphazard flurries on a windless night
I look out over the parking lot
My dark room behind me
A dark world ahead
A hundred ivory beetles
Descended from the ebony sky
All but one rest, one giving off a firefly’s staccato
Some music is playing
In a room eons ago
It’s so soft outside
Muffle me with your frozen embrace
The remnants of journeys cross the otherwise perfect concrete
Bare feet running running running
If you stomp down hard enough
Do you think your soul will be crushed
Freeze-dried and shipped across America?
I want this so badly to be a perfect image
But the cell phone tower
The highway
The golden arches
Things can be ignored
If you tell yourself they can be

There was a girl
A sad girl
With hair like untamed ebony
And eyes like tombstones and the universe
The type of girl that looks at you from under her untamed coal field
And smiles a beautiful thing
A ceramic smile
Soon to be stained by to much coffee
To much rot gut *****
The type of girl that sits naked in the dark
In a bathtub full of scalding water
The type of girl that fills subway cars full of poetry and lavender
Sitting bundled up in too many layers of clothing for this hot hot summer
The type of girl that works the nightshirt at a Walmart stocking shelves
And spends her breaks writing down story ideas in her journal
Stories about a funny girl
With clipped brown hair

One day while filling the shelves with organic caged beef
She remembers she left the journal out in the break room
And she rushes back to grab it
And stops dead in the doorway
Because someone is reading her words
And she begins to panic
And she begins to panic because the  person who is reading the worlds she has spent months scrawling
is a normal boy
The type of boy who smiles awkwardly at the red eyes she wears like a bandage leaving the bathroom
A boy whose smile is clean and whose eyes are clear
Like a watering hole fed by mountain water in the early early spring
The type of boy that knows she’s a freak and she wants so
so desperately for him to tell her that
So that he stops flashing that sliver of a monochrome crescent moon
So that he stops giving her hope that she can be anything other than that sad sad girl writing stories in the break room

One night she is cutting boxes
Her sleeves rolled up, in one of those phasic moods where she doesn’t care who sees the angry red lines crossing her arms
A scarred ladder leading to unsteady hands
She puts a new blade in and jabs it into the clean side of a box
But the blade doesn’t glide through the smooth brown skin
But the blade gets caught in the gnarled fibers
But the blade is new and the feeling of gliding through the perfect side is taken from her
And she pulls her arms hard while thinking about the girl with chestnut hair
The girl who had shared a box of wine with her last night
She looks down on the floor and sees a growing pile of red wine
And she falls
And people are screaming
And she looks down and sees the blade sticking out of her wrist
And she’s speaking calmly that it was an accident, she didn’t mean it this time
Her manager is on the phone with the ambulance and the janitor is glaring in the doorway
Forever trying to figure out how to get blood stains out from the stockroom floor
And the last thing she sees in the cacophony of chaos is the normal boy
And the grimace of fear forever plastered on his face in her fading memory

She wakes up in the hospital where people visit her like a sandstorm
And doctors come and speak to their clipboards
One day the girl with chestnut hair comes
And no words are said
Just feelings screamed into the oblivion between them
And she knew that was the last time the funny girl would ever visit
Weeks pass, and one day the doctor comes in and says to his clipboard
Insurance ran out, so you are all better now
Even though she doesn’t feel better

It starts with a fifth of ***** after you come back to your empty two-person apartment
Then a handful of pills
Than more cigarettes than your lungs can handle
This slow self destruction culminates when she goes out on her balcony
And sees her neighbor smoking a cigarette next door to her
And he just smiles and says
It never gets easier kid
He flicks the end of his cigarette after taking a deep breath
And the girl with eyes like tombstones and the universe
Watched the cherry red spark fall
As smoke filled the stars in front of her
The man chuckled
But it’ll all be alright
And the girl that with hair blacker than a crow
Nodded into the starry sky

Words are lodged into the murky water of my mind
Pearls of meaning in the sandy beaches of the pineal gland
Like warm court proceedings
Is this fair? Right?
Did you know that some people
Aren’t groovily depressed
They can leave their rooms
Be real toothed cogs in society
I’m a toothless gear
Spinning with nothing to grip
Spinning my tires in black ice
Freezing in the fields
All I hope for
Is that next years crops use this dead meat
To make something beautiful
Something that can grow
Merry
Something that can live up live up live up
To the things it wants to say
My motif is a sown mouth
With spiders thread

It’s a blank white slate with the entirety of human achievement inside of it
A way to talk to billions, to drown myself in enough entertainment to make me sick
It’s an echo chamber
It’s an echo chamber
Each night I scream into these walls
Beating myself into a vagus nerve induced frenzy
Slap these thighs and pull out wiry hair
Snap my fingers, my rough knuckles dancing as blows rain down
Like so many rainy days locked away
Seething meat blasted into oblivion
Because you have to do it don’t you?
Despite all the words
All the reassurances that you aren’t a liar
You want to do it
You want to think you want to do it
You are so confused
Cut the meat
Punch the beef
It’s an echo chamber
With occasional melodies belting out from underneath the door frame
Little moments when you collapse
No beauty in the death of the ugly ways
A cracked ceramic mask
Made by a kindergartner
Because I never learned how to paint my face
I never learned any language other than man
It’s not a matter of how I feel
It’s a matter of can I always feel this way
It’s a matter of whether or not I’m still riding on the echoes of a voice that only brings to mind the haziest of memories
It’s a matter of who looks back at me in this prison, this room
Who will greet me in my nightmares tonight?
Who will look back at me in the mirror?
When did those stop being two sides of the same coin?
I pound and beat and mash pale flesh against the steamed surface
Please, take me out of this two way hell
This two time place

I am an empty wasteland
Studded with stained remnants of coffee cups
Papers are strewn about, telling stories about people
Who will never exist.
They seem so much more real than I have ever been
Musky clothes line the floor sending unseen spores deep
Into the lining of my lungs
I am one with where I am
Food and pills surround every speckle of surface
A myriad of tye dye colors
How much happiness can they fit inside a pill?
books and posters leave plastered imprints on the walls
Anything to show that this isn’t all there is
To a life that was never worth it to you

I am a bleeding liver
Half guzzled liquor
Spilled into cracked cups creates scummy films
Rainbow reflections of light from vertical screens
How’s that for a pride display?
In the rainbow of puddles
A failed education fills a shelf
Reading is so far beyond
Me
A fan buzzes in my ear
An angry bee that pounds thousand ***** to keep me cool

I am a furnace
That burns paper ideologies
Nothing here is permeant
Real is just a concept
Gallons of water to satiate an always parched throat
Diluted blood fills these veins
A slow death from oxygen deprivation
With no belt around the neck

I am a fetid corpse
That can still move
Still think
Still spew methane
Use a screen to reach out
Talk to a thousand other blank eyed, slack jawed clones
What does it mean, these words on a white background
Are you the reaper?
The coroner?
I’m breathing
I’m sweating
I’m *******
I’m not living
Air fills these two sacks
Red sewage is pumped into grey hands
A jolt down the spine
Is all I am
What am I?
I am a medicated pig
I am an artist failed dream
I am a cloud, high and falling constantly down
I am a camera, only able to record, but never interpret
I am
I am

Freezing warmth
Radiates from a frigid
Rancid heat
Fearing a hot tubs
Final goodbye
Fetid whispers into the fallapon nights
Please
Please don't go
Feel cheap beer slide down
Your rapidly fanatical throat
Feigned cries of the frozen man
Echo in the night
Fostered cares of the forlorn it
Frantic jokes told
In the same fervent pitch of a
Forlorned lover screaming
Always screaming
Why is the ******* failure always screaming

Waking up gasping
another night starts
and the image of you
screaming stays when
I shut my eyes and
I’m losing my
mind, shattered like the
mirror you threw at
me in one of our fake
fight late night
(bored out of our minds)
night I spent awake
my hand still hurting
trying to capture you
in words that just wouldn’t work
and I roll around in my
bed at night, losing my
mind trying to stop
all the pretentious *******
running through my head and
I can’t stop thinking of the nights we
spent our minds trying
to get to know each other and
I’m screaming, screaming, scream
and then I stop
and then I just stop
how can you expect
me to say I
love you
when I can’t even ******* say
who I ******* am
am losing my mind that
I didn’t even know I had and
I can feel the little fragments
of me that I spent years trying to collect
and then you just left
you threw it all away
you threw it all away
and as you left my car for the last time
I asked if I could still call you
my little bird and
you said okay
you said okay
you said
okay

The self proclaimed writer

Jerking himself off to exhaustion daily

(Never touched, never connected)

To play roulette with his circadian rhythm

And turn an otherwise docile daytime delinquent

Into a nocturnal creature's fear

All to avoid the cliched train wreck of a family

The alcoholic mother

The never proud father

And the always beyond reach sister

Yes yes, feel the waking nightmare

This insomniac desperately craves sleep

As the titular picturesque life

sobriquet to family cat

Is slowly causing his dormant degeneracy

To blister and boil the brain

And he feels like he is losing his mind

In this otherwise ideal world

This grotesquely pictersque

Fevered upper class dream

Roiling hills
/
Studded with concrete leviathans
/
carrying us to and fro
/
across this scarred earth
/
Fly by on this sunny day
/
Long ago memories
/
Of times that never were
/
History staring at or faces
/
But relegated to the back corner
/
Repetition is the word of the world
/
Destroy and build
/
Build and destroy
/
Wasting away our precious little time
/
To have something after we go
/
But time withers all away
/
And to many of us
/
Are lost to the ending

the yin days last forever
And the yang days are here to stay
Both sides of the coin
capatilism at its finest
The diners of America
Are filled with a sickened meal
That America will stuff
Their empty faces with
Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
America is dead
And replaced with the living
And the new living
Think they are the old dead
And the artist generation
Has no artist
And dreams
Are no longer dreams
and liquor is never enough anymore
For the few
For the few
(Not that you are special)

It's so hard to believe
that people are relieved
that the world is so cut and dry
and everyone thinks they know
what happens when we die
/
/ we're all nazis and ******
and pedophiles too
even if we never admit it
and we all think life is a stage
where we can all do our little bits
/
/ living day to day
with nothing on display
we can all go jump off a bridge
and have them argue at our funeral
over who gets the ******* fridge
/
/ there's a monster in all of us
waiting to be free
we're all villains at heart
with our banal little secrets
that only live in our heads
/
/ I try to write in a style
all good works are in
but everything I write makes bile
fill your ******* throats
just take look at this stanza
and tell me that I'm wrong
/
/ So lets all just sit back
and pretend its all okay
lets go out tonight and dance
and party the night away
so that we can all close our eyes
and just wait to ******* die

Meltonin taken nightly
To combat insomnia
Causes one to wake up more
Due to the dreams it causes
Trying to convey some meaning
That you assign yourself
Waking up gasping
Screaming for air
Feeing like you can't breathe
Dreams are for the sleeping
Hope is for the dead
A one man happy show
A starving artist
Who does it all
Not for some vague philosophical end
But because he doesn't like the taste of food
Light bulbs flicker
And the demons come
And I'm left here wishing
I can just sleep soundly

Hark the herold's angels sing
glory to the new found king
of your own consciousness
let the ******* take over
and dream
dream something anything
for the love of god never stop dreaming

eldritch obscenities
thrown with reckless abandon into the cold night
left to fend for themselves
in a world of subtle normality

people want to control
and will find ways to do that
sure as the moon is real
and shines so brightly in our dreams

Incomprehensible nothingness
Work work work
Sleep badly, and then work again
Faster and faster
Wrack your body with a shallow cough
That comes from years of smoking
And working to fast
Your liver will be awkwardly felt
And your head will be down
Not looking toward the end
The end, the end!
We've accepted our end
And it's the before we can't stand
Wasting away in a concrete jail
Being part of it all man!
The self proclaimed enlightened will spew
While smoking dope and drinking beer
And the people that know his words
Shake their heads and take the cowards way out

When did this beautiful life suddenly get so beautifully complicated

How many more times
Can you say I feel like such a new person
Before it starts to lost its meaning
(And never new in that way
But as in you don't recognize
Who you were before)
You can't always be better
Stagnation is the modern day consumption
Swirling interest
Alone in your own world
Different ideas of what you are
And what you will be
The mountain man alone
The New York socialite
The grunge club crawler
Chills make a home in you
Too many things to feel
Not enough time in the universe
To describe a chill we all get
Sickly delirium
From the roots
Of the plant and the word
**** and happiness
Plant and word
Too much of everything
Except for air in your lungs
And the feeling of contentment

Fractured shards of a blank mind
Never a true identity
Words fly through these holy nights
And the smallest things change it all

A whispered conversation
A common motif these long nights
Never reaching anything
Always falling short of our ideals

That's the plague of who we are
Insomniac nights have a
Limit to just how much you
Dream another dream

So we limit ourselves now
And we can never truly fail
The gross lie is continued
Our potential is never reached

The cages we build inside
Are a foreign comfort today
And we can fail so much more now
As our effort was not full

Intoxicating thoughts of the world of tommorow
Steamy showers fill the nights
And easy food and liquor
Waking up hungover
Even though I've been sober for a while
Waking up hungry
For anything but food
The days of the future are starting to
Look a lot like the past
Heaving lungs
And swollen heads
Makes me wish
I could have fled

Vague notions of rightness
Fill your bleating heart
As you fight the good fight
You feel your body breaking
And look to the sky
When you venture forward in the mind
Clouds and storms are your right and wrong
Mystic in no way but this
You are afraid of the sky
Because it is unknown

Nebulous percolations
ideal futures fly by
pretentious is the venom you hate
but its the only thing you spew
late nights spent roiling in the thin cages
that you still throw over yourself
void like monsters
that you spawned
taunt you as you drift away
all it takes is a new start
but you are always running away from those
what's worse
the unknown future
or the tolerable present
hell isn't as hot as they say
and the future isn't as scary as you think
but you're in a trance like laziness
to keep everything exactly the same
and make sure what you think will happen
even if you don't want it too
will happen
because only fools dare to dream
that they are better than they are

Our sobs went unanswered
As they lowered me into the dark

***** drugs pumped into you
To make you feel filthy things
Flask of cheap liquor
Fill you coat pockets
You pull the coat collar up
On these cold spring days
And walk around the world
And you never leave your little life
Assured in your own ineptitude
You drink and dance
And smile on the floor
As the world shakes around you
(A line used too many times)
You smile at your own effigy
Pleased with what you become
Your feline scowl
Mistaken for pride
As the time burns your likenesses to dust
You are happy you had one in the first place

Full moon beams
Illuminate the battered seams
In this otherwise perfect
Sea of dreams

A place where I am
Exposed as a drunken sham
As the moonlight sonata
Fills the airs empty bottle with a dram

A tragic fool
I must be a tool
For this grand orchestra
Oh how fate can be cruel

No one to blame
Except my want for fame
And here after the show
The winds shakes my weary frame

So as the lights go dark
And hades dogs bark
I have but one regret
That I never put a bullet
In my heart

Once in a blue moon, full moon
Round and blank
Two blue moons
looking into mine
Full moons
of a timed past
blue moon, full moon
rarer than gold
a smile across the surface
makes finding the blue moon, full moon
all the more worth it

Living words were not
Enough to destroy your walls
As we tried to build

Something better than
What we were apart, and now
Drowning in ourselves

We fly towards the
Endless horizon, the void
Claiming our small lives

As we live with what
Our pentinance holds my dear
We cannot go on

As the new day starts
And the moon bids is goodbye
We never knew us

Rustling winds carry away the blue tide
As you stand on the beach of maturity
Facing the golden sun of happiness
You feel taller than the world
Yet still shorter than the moon
And you walk into the rapidly warming ocean
and look up through the water
and see the sun rapidly approaching
and the only thing stopping you from grabbing it
is yourself
because you are the power
you are the gatekeeper to all
and as the newly sprung life surges around you
you feel at peace
while you drown in the ocean of life

fooling around
in the rich heated pool
of your life
vague words
lead to a vague eternity
waiting for the
upper middle class
wannabe rich kids
to get over their horniness
and ******* orer dineer
becuase i am hungry
and i want to be free
and i am free
i want to be happy
and i am happy
and the other side of of giving a ****
is being happy
with the ***** you give

It's interesting
How some people
Can think they will live
With blood of others
Staining their hands
Signs missed
or maybe ignored
because at the end of the day
the signs we see
we will never want to say
because that means it can happen to any of us

One day,
you and I can walk into the ocean
on drunken melancholy nights
hand in hand
with respect equal for once
both walking forwards
with our respective crutches
and we will feel the cold brine
fill our nose
and the story will end
under a new starry night

Particularly lucid moments
In an otherwise flash junk mind
Reminds me that this ship
Though full of holes
Can still float
And the good times can come
With the beach and the sand
And though the fogs on the horizon
(With hope filling that's were it will stay)
We dance and drink the night away

pop a hip and dance
As the path is layed for you
Feel the dark irony swirl
And spill your coveted secrets
In vague half-meanings
Talk about the unironic pills
And the unironic problems
And smoke your unironic drugs
And drink your unironic liquor
Watch the unironic ironic movies
And talk about it afterwards
I'm your unironic little circles
And smile
unironically
That you were nothing but original

So this is what you've come too
Sobbing in your bathroom
After getting into one to many fights
All because you think
That suffering can bring happiness
And you are miserable
Just so ******* miserable
That you feel like everyone else should be too
So that maybe someone can help you
But they can't
They won't
Because you are just to ******* miserable
And you ******* write these words
To remind you that you are miserable
That the only thing you've ever taken any pride in
Causes you to be miserable
All you want is to be happy?
Well then maybe you shouldn't be such a little *******

nebious rubber skinned demons
haunting my dreams
eldritch casters of my fate
shape undefined
and vaguely human
they surronded me
and I knew I was asleep
And I couldnt wake up
and I couldn't fall asleep

History flows throw acrid veins
To cause one more beat
Of the bleadings heart
Bleating heart
Rise and fall
Of iron walls
Inside the cities we build
Skulls of darkness
Cries for help
Yelled into full moon nights
Are pointless
When the moon refuses to listen
Thinly veiled words of acid
Meant to destroy
But nothing is enough
And the wallls stand strong
And Rome still stands
And the Turks still stand
And England still stands
And we still stand
We all still stand
On the cliffs of our ego

nature is grey
The old ways are still here
And grey is the color we should see
But we hate ourselves
And can't get enough of our hatred
So we turned the world into black and white
And they hate everyone who isn't them
But we are all the same
We are al born
And we all die
Everything else that's in between is pointless
But people will still die for it
We hate living
We just want to let go

Nebulous words
draining into nebulous nights
Truth laid bare for all too see
I stopped lying
this time for real
but utopias truth
is that just because you know a problem
doesn't mean you know jack **** how to solve it
happiness and emptiness are not exclusive
I am one but not the other
boredom is empty
and fills the halls of these dreams
I'm afraid ill be waiting to grow up
till I lie on my death bed

Rocking back and forth
Feeling groovy all the way
Found the one
In my head
And going for it
Quit the drugs and *****
And still ain't sleeping well
But that's just normal
Going on and doing well
Sweat pouring from my brow
As hard work makes me happy
A man about to die of thirst
Found his oasis
It's all about living
And living well
Being happy
Because why not?
Because why not?

Wasted afternoons
Spent wasted on the poor drugs
I just want freedom

Disappointment flows
From my eldridth mind like flies
Seething in the night

Dreams at night make it
So that I cannot wake up
And face my mistakes

Vaudevillian foes
Basking in the light of deceit
You shouldn't play with peoples hearts like that
You don't know what you've done
And while most was behind closed doors
I was there when it wasn't
And I stayed blue and true
And loyalty flowed from my broken body
Like blood, as I looked at you
And now that everything is said and done
I am the bad guy
For helping a friend

My God, what have I become
Willow tree walking around
Doing what's expected of me
I feel my body failing me
Like it wants me to let go
But I just want to be happy
And I'm not happy
And I don't know why
My God, what have I become
I told on someone for cheating
Because I value the truth
And now I have a target on my back
I can't stop lying to myself
And I don't know why I dreamed
About the creature in my room
But I turned my back
Because I'm too tired to care
I wake up tired
I can't sleep
I can't sleep
I can't sleep
I just want some ******* sleep
I don't even want to dream
Please just let me blackout for a few hours
I can barely keep my eyes open
I just want to sleep
Please

Melancholic thoughts in a hazy storm
Somewhere between
Knowing who you are
And what you want to do
Bleary dreams fill the night
Of times you never knew
Stories flutter in and out
Like the seagulls you used to see daily
***** and a flabby grey
Cawing at you when you try and rest
Translucent plans made to be opaque
Fill the speech around me
Lies upon lies
Houses of magnitude built upon
A crumbling foundation of dormancy
Acrid breaths flow as the night wears on
Until the shrill cry of the work clock
Wakes you from dreams
You would rather go back to
Then go back to being a gear
Mountain man as much as you can
Grizzled and survivable
But tame in patterns and behavior
Shame filled nights
Spent filling the liver full of death
And the lungs full of heaven
For you are not what you are
And you never can be
What you want to be
For you are weak in all the wrong ways

It's when the air left my lungs
And I had trouble bringing it back
Sitting in a room full of friends
Nearly passing out on the couch
And I actually didn't know
If I was going to wake up this time
Fighting for one more breath
I didn't want to die
Which is not a common thought
For someone like me
But more than that
I wanted to be happy
And when I felt one more breath fill
My weary lungs
I thought of all the little things
That I never got to do
That would have made me happy
And as the room swam around me
I realized that none of this things
Would have made me any happier
The only way to be happier
Is to just try and be happy
So goodbye
And thank you