It's when the air left my lungs
And I had trouble bringing it back
Sitting in a room full of friends
Nearly passing out on the couch
And I actually didn't know
If I was going to wake up this time
Fighting for one more breath
I didn't want to die
Which is not a common thought
For someone like me
But more than that
I wanted to be happy
And when I felt one more breath fill
My weary lungs
I thought of all the little things
That I never got to do
That would have made me happy
And as the room swam around me
I realized that none of this things
Would have made me any happier
The only way to be happier
Is to just try and be happy
So goodbye
And thank you

So much fuel for the fire
The entire world is heating up
And everyone you destroy something
You can build it up bigger
(That's why I try and destroy me)
And it will be stronger this time
And maybe it's time for a shift
That so many assasinated people sought after
Maybe it's time for a brotherhood of man
Although I can never let go of my hatred
Or my inability to be in reality
I know some people can
And when I am gone
Shouldn't that be enough?

I used to stay up at night a lot
Wondering if all the people
Who knew about this
And who I am
In real life
Still read this
And know what I've become
But tonight
I'm wondering why I cared so much
In the first place

The sound of the party next door
Filled with the stench of **** and failure
(Filled with same people who look down
Their noses at me).
I've been struggling a lot lately
With if I want to be a doctor
I just want to feel like I belong
So the sands of time flow
And I get to flip the hourglass
Until my bones are greyer than my hair
And my skin is sullen with wax

I feel like i can't wright anything
That's just not complete ****

The noose of ego hangs around my neck
Tied to a stone of despair
Thinking I can do something I can't
And the rock rolls off the wicked hills
Of drugs and liquor
weighing me down
Until the illicit substances take hold
And I can fly for a few hours
But when the sun is reflected into my window
And my alarm bleats out its melody
I wake up with the noose a bit tighter
And the rock a bit bigger
I know the story of Icarus
And I'm scared about what will happen
When the rock is to heavy

Okay so if I like ******* die right now
I'm sorry I disappointed you dad

find yourself in the space between birth and death
malignant sense of self
like a tumorous fold in your side
time and money
years and stocks
driving us to abandon ourselves
and drown in our collectiveness abandonment
But I think my problem is
I found someone else's sense of self
and viewing the world
through eyes that never really felt
like the belonged to me

Destroy the barriers you out in place
to become free
destruction allows you to create more
and creation allows you to destroy more
infinite spirals fill the night sky
our brains are star maps of the universe
god killed himself and put himself into us
and all psychologist talk about a separation
between who you are and who people know you to be
destroy the wall between those two
and create something god would be proud of
and so we can come together as a species
and envelop existence

Combine a volatile mixture of ego
And the ability to work just a little bit harder
And you get a generation
Of people who value what they can do
More than what they should do
Where stuff
Money
The ******* pieces of art hanging in the walls
Are more important
When you look a man in the eye
Than what you see looking back at you
Do you think you could **** a man?
Knowing you'd be saving him from so much
And shaming him to never be saved
Do you think you could still pull the trigger while he pleaded for you to stop?
Would you feel responsible for the rush of a will to live when take the gun away?
You *******
That wasn't supposed to be the way it was
Every single person I've met has told me
Part of growing up is accepting what you can't change
Well Mr. Full of **** and vinegar
You've done enough accepting for the both of us

Sulking willows line the drive
Sounds like a great line
For one of those poetic sad stories
And that's the line
Some guys estranged son will say
Pulling into the house after hearing the news
And I could say something about the darkness inside everyone's soul
Or maybe something about how happy endings don't happen often enough
But then I'd be lying
If I didn't tell you that I am nothing

I'm an entitled oxford-esque *******
I'm white, wealthy, and have a family
Who made money by running businesses
And I can't forgive myself
For being born into this
But this isn't about white guilt
This is about the way
The parents and family
Of this entitled pseudo-intellectual
And how the mom gets angry
At the dad for not giving her enough money
To buy a drink in a gas station
Because although no one says it
She'll take any extra money and use it
For her gambling addiction
And how the mother gets angry
At the daughter for spending to much
(How can one not choke on the irony?)
And not being responsible
And how the father
Doesn't know what to do
As he sold the business
And just wants to make money
And his daughter is bringing home
A boyfriend who they all hate
Merry ******* Christmas

This isn't real
Eyes opening in the dark
Shadows on the cave wall
Showing you silent films
Of how two people
Who constantly hurt eachother
Can still be deeply in love
Or how people
Can just up and end themselves
When they where the happiest they've ever been
How people
Can be so blind
To the things they think are happening
When the fire goes out
And you throw your hand out
To get that reassurance that you are real
In this stunning new darkness
Is to be human

The humorous filter of the eye
Must be what creates a pattern
In the way a person you'll never see again
Walks away
A pattern you get to know
When you start to let the days catch up
A lot of them, I won't miss
But a few I'll never forget

Everybody hurts
Like in that johnny cash song
Everybody hurts
But no one wants to admit it
Pain and living are one
Breathing in
Glass shards
With every breath
Feel the needle
Pierce you skin
Get high get high
So you can be the cool kid on the block
Write away your youth
Your to ******* lazy to commit
To anything
Higher and higher
To the start

It's in the way that the misty rain
Extends the glow of the city traffic lights
Red and green in a grand amugulamtion
Holiday music is a sober reminder
Quietly bleating out its message
In a packed car
Pass by the car accidents
And the city life
Hear the whispers of conversation
In sync with the passing lights
No one wants to admit that this is it
This is what we worked so hard for

Does that bitter pill make you feel?
Or are you to caught up in yourself
To realize how far low you've sunk
Will you die choking on your own bitter bile
Spouting you figured it out
Even as your own body betrays you
And the doctor shakes his head
As he had heard it too many time before

The cold air flows in from the door
While we huddle in little groups
Felling betrayed by our mutual need
To actually talk and feel
But that's hard isn't it?
We all are so ******* broken
But no one wants to fix themselves
Comfortable with a shattered image of who they once were
Dying broken
Laying broken
Shattered coffins fill the graveyards of our people
And I just wanted to have a nice dinner conversation
But it all went to ****

This is how it goes babe
Feeling nauseous from the cheap liquor
It's that I promise
It's not me
It's funny that your sober
And I'm nowhere close to stable
Music blaring in my ear
Cops waiting in the hall
Liquor is slowly relaxing my blood
Allowing me to be drunk on life
This is how it goes babe
This is the closest Icarus can get
To the synthetic sun
And synthetic happiness

Neon dreams swirl around you
As you lay in this warm water
A foggy mind
Well deserved after the day of pretending to work
Suits you well this evening
As you gripe and smile
And say you caused some things to happen
To some detestable people
So that the one you told this too
Will think that this is a bad person
Who is bad to other bad people
But in reality
He's nothing
And can't hurt others
Even himself

gibbous moons
cycling through
fluorescent streaks of copper
filling the sky
exploding bones
caught within degenerating muscles

feel the sunrise move
up your body
the golden ichor
pumping through you

lights shadow in the night
still images of a different life
feel the cells tear apart
and the soul
molds into the background

grow to be old
and feel dust in your beard
long enough to regret your choices
and then realize that you can still be happy
listen to the ways of the wise
locked away in little workshops
screaming they are happy
that even though the world burns to them
they can still be happy
as who among the sane
can imagine being happy at anything
that is normal

never enough time
constantly running out of the one thing we want
I want to live
lyric of a species
float on
into the blackness
knowing that
better than anyone else
was the one who truly
kept on keeping on
no one dies and wants to admit that they didn't secretly think they were the best
even if you are humble out the ***
you'd think you were the most humble
always something
7 billion right?
seven billion things to be the best at
no one knows this though
this is something the lepers whisper to the kings
as they throw some scraps of food onto them
we are all equal in the eyes of nothing
and the kings guard will take care of the *****
and the king will dismiss it immediately
one night he will wake up
filled with an inexplicable feeling
and see into the eyes of the all mighty nothing

Hear the candle flame grow
Breath after breath
The sky rushes down
And you are the catalyst
Between heaven and earth
Listen to the ebb and flow
Burn bright until the wick
Falls into ash
Let your body melt away
Back to what is was meant to be
Burnt candles are still alive
Face flush with heat
Frayed wires splayed for all to see
Enjoy the gritty feel
Of heaven and earth
Starting to leave
And while it is never expected
The connection will end
And you will lay awake at night
Feeling your skin
Hoping to feel wax once again

Break the plaster hand of fate
Reality crashing around
Dodging a boulder like slowness
Let the cheap thrills flow
Feel something give the old engine a boot
Throb the heart
Thorny blood flowing through acrid joints
Feel the weightlessness
Of the lead sky
Scream that you aren't a puppet
That you can do it
You won again
Didn't you?

Kings and paupers
Share this heavenly roof
Able to come together in a commonplace rarity
I can see the scorned lovers looking at eachother
(We said we wouldn't make fun of you till later)
My tolerance is very low
Too many drugs not enough *****
I'm scared of the stories I read online
About demons and monsters
Taking me while I sleep
Because than I won't be able to finish the dreams
That I really want to see the end too

smog ridden bile is thrown against the panes
sickly yellow lights illuminate the sinister outlines of innocent shapes
misanthropic ideals are whispered in the night
pull up your collar and continue on
squeeze my hand and follow me
breath the acrid air and feel your lungs scream
anything to follow me

the beach screams obscenities to the stars
and they stare in an apathetic silence
as we stumble along the beach
hand in hand for what always feels like the last first time
cough and moan your tears away
shake your fist to the heavens
and follow me

the car rides have become seemingly infinite
with silence roaring in the darkness
the intrepid darkness
dancing at the edges of the headlights
illuminating your coat
as you walk away
leaving me alone
with the feeling of your hand in mine

Beating each other to the punch
one bottle down after another
this is a challenge right
this is what you wanted?
drink and drink and drink
swallow faster than you thought possible
drink and drink and drink
who cares about tomorrow
the future was yesterday
you failed to do the only thing you ever tried to do
the only thing you ever did right
wash away the bile with the hose outside
try and wash away the shame you feel
this is you now
you won in everyones eyes but your own
your reflection whispers at you
from the mirror you threw across the room
horrible things about what could have been
if you won any more than you did

Drinking doesn't usually cause dreams
But last night I couldn't wake up
And the dreams are still so crisp to me
That girl walking along the lake
With her nice little canon
We had a nice talk
About how hard it was
To capture the lakes beauty
I remember the bridge
And my hat flew off
And in the water were my friends
Old and new
All waving at me to join
I remember being thirsty
So thirsty
I couldn't stop drinking water
I was drowning in my dehydration
And when I woke up
I went and got a cup of water
And felt a little bit more alright

There's something about **** cheap beer
The kind that makes you want to throw up
As it rushes down your throat
As the half drunken *******
Dance in front of you
Making a fool of themselves
And this place they call home
There's something in the way they move
Like too many fallen stars
Reminds me of home
Somewhere I haven't been in a long time
There's and empty seat next to me
Old and new people come and go
And we have nice little conversations
That remind us of who we are
As the new bottle opens
And a new person appears
I feel a little bit more alive

Keep on swiping right
On tinder tonight
You sad sack of ****
Something about
This not being about you
You sad sack of ****
Why do people always lie
In ways that people don't want to see

That's the difference between you and me
I will see what you don't
Not for lack of trying not to
But some of us where just meant
To be alone
least till sunrise
My lady of the mind
From the spaces inbetween the mirrors
Goodnight, my love
The smog covered the starts tonight
Goodnight

I have one thing I'd like to write
Something filled with such sweet words
A memorial to my one last ditch effort
That the old men would shake their heads and think
This really isn't something to talk about in good company
Something I wanted to say
Why does my right side always hurt when I'm high
Why does my right side hurt more now
My head is too heavy
And my eyelids feel the sand drawn to them

Self

I was born a king
And became a pauper
I'm high again
Second time I remember
(First time never count do they?)
My roommate needs to shut up
There was something
I wanted to say
A word I forgot
A dull screaming telling me
Commanding me
To burn in hell
Like the fat **** I am

I ******* love you
There, I finally admitted it
And you were to clouded this entire time to realize it
You were always so worried I'd be angry at you
For the things you've done to me
But I ******* love you
The thought of not having you
Never mind being alone
The thought of not having you
Makes me feel something very deep down inside
Something I haven't felt in a very long time
Fear
I'm so ******* afraid that now that I love you
You will shatter my heart
Today is Febuarary 22nd
And wether it's today, or a lifetime from now
You will end up killing me
And I'm sorry I ever trusted you with the one thing
I could ever trust someone with

I could lie and say it was an accident
but I've always hoped to accidentally see you one more time
We were both driving somewhere, different directions
I feel like there is a joke there
and I know you didn't recognize me
I changed how I look a lot since you last saw me
I wasn't sure what I was expecting
but this longing certainly wasn't it

The suns wavering faith
is the only thing stopping this night
crimson flurries of wind dancing
barely seen through the sheen of disbelief
I didn't ask for these thoughts
I want to live
I want to live and be happy
I want to write something that actually shows what I mean
I need to be a good writer
so I can show you what I need to show

I've had a voice in my head
telling me
To **** myself
All day

Higher than a kite
Like that Elton John song you like
*******
Now that that's out of the way
I feel so happy for once
I could get used to it
I need to find a replacement
Somone
Or something
To make me care
Whatever you are
Thank you

Been struggling a lot lately
not really sure why
I stopped drinking
Just switching vices I suppose
I've been sleeping a lot
too bored to really do anything else
been thinking about you too
everything that happened
I'm still going to New York
that never changed
that will never change
you didn't have to break my trust you know?
you could have done anything but that

Come away with me
To the pristine beaches
Laying away the days
Under our palm umbrella
Lazy Sunday's becoming
Lazier lives
Come away with me
To the beautiful beaches
Where the sand feels just right
And we can hold hands forever
Come away with me baby
To live and be free

How many times
Can I drown myself in you
Every time I see you know
You are happy
I think back on all those moments we shared
Wernt you happy then too?
How many times
Can I drown myself in you
God you were beautiful
And you were mine
We could spend hours doing nothing
No words
Just the feeling of our heart beats
How many times
Can I drown myself in you
I just want to get over you
So ******* badly
But **** did you leave a hole in my heart
That aches past midnight
On days like today
The day's the pills were a bit to late

I'm really ****** sick again
Lay time I was sick was last summer
That was the first time I fell in love with you
I wonder what will happen this time
As the stars in the sky shine a bit more dimly
And the moon looks on wth passive sympathy
******* this would be easier if you stayed

Hey
I came home for a weekend
Took long enough right?
I just went into my bedroom
After spending the night with the family
Last time I slept here it was with you
Your hair was still in the sink
All the tell tail signs of our lazy day in bed
Just starting at me
And as I was cleaning it all up
It struck me why you texted me a few weeks ago
I know you probably don't read this anymore
But I think you are miserable enough now
And I'm sorry for everything
And that you couldn't sleep here one more time

Back and forth
between the library and the pharmacy
heres this book to memorize
here is this pill to make you happy
running myself ragged
I wonder if me from a while ago would recognize me know
God I was so happy back then
Still had my bouts mind you
But there was always a childlike joy
But we all grew up didn't we?
Our hearts become shattered remnants
Our faces full of hair
Our stomachs full of laughing air
and our lungs full of a constant sickness
I turned into an old man before I had the chance to be young
And I made it that way
It was never her fault
It was never this city
It was always me
It was always me

Keeping me up at night
I can't get you out of my head
And how you use to laugh
At every ******* thing I said

We all know what I meant
When I whispered into our shared rooms darkness
One drunken spring night
We all knew I meant what I said
I know you'd be sad if I was gone man
But sometimes we gotta get of the train early

Washing down the anti-depressants
With alcohol
Even though the two counteract eachother
I feel as if there is some irony there
As I am about to blackout
And I can't see straight
I have to hide taking pills from almost everyone
They wouldn't understand

It's only after the drinks are flowing
And the conversation is going
God I'm alone
These people are my friends
But **** do I feel alone
I see the stars
And I feel alone
I look at the world through my camera
And am never the subject
I am so ******* alone

On the southern island
He sits on the patio
Drinking his underage beer
Laughing and smiling
Enjoying the party
The stars don't seem very dim down here
He just needs to use the restroom
And with the click of the lock
He fills a few pages from his book
And throws them away immediately
For he cannot stand what he is now
Pulling pills from his precious bottles
Gulping down all he can
He just wants to stop

Something new in this old heart beating
Passing the test roughed out before
Drunken talks of how it'll all end
Pressing for information in this subtle game
Words carrying all the weight they are supposed to
Something fills this old heart anew
Something not expected to be felt for a long time

With the worms piled on the sidewalks
Like so many fetid bodies
Strewn like toys along the beach
These rainy days are becoming commonplace
In this new mythos
These pills are slowly taking hold
And the only time I feel sad
And the only time I feel alive
Is when the drinks are flowing down
My parchment throat
And here I am
Sad and alive
Writing away these words into the night
Hoping
Even though that died long ago
That someone can read these words
And say it'll be okay

I hate this
The pills aren't working
And maybe it's because I'm drunk
But I think I hate everyone
Especially you
And these pills need to kick in
I can't stand this anymore