i think self hatred is just another word for self respect
i respect who i am enough to know that i'm not perfect
i know that i can do better
whether its lifting weights
or talking to you
i know that i can talk to you perfectly
but i choose not to
because self hatred is a lot more than a self image
its a drug
and i'm addicted
i hate myself and what i've become
i can be so happy
but i'm addicted to my depression
because its the only thing that makes sense

Climbing those hills, those leviathan heroes from before our generations ancestors ancestors, great trodden clumps of clay and rock seemingly left their by a being greater than himself. Tell me, was it a purposeful throwing? Or was it a careless happenstance that those colossal titans were laid forever into the earth? Did those beings dream? Did they want to become those rolling hills? Were they held back by their own constructions? Were those ageless clusters of earth held back by the thin veils of confidence that plague us today? Are the trapped, as they are? Dreaming in that peaceful slumber right beneath our feet. Are their dreams imprisoned like ours? Do they illustrate the desire of their dreams on the paper thin walls they built? Do they scrawl I love you over and over just to see that someone could? Do those immortal pebbles wish to be human? Those leviathan heroes of old, dead and long forgotten, leaving behind the carcass of wonder and the sense of living through adventure.

I try to act like my ideal. That guy I want to be in my head. But no one tells that guy that walking along alone hurts more than anything. That not caring about what people think about me makes me care so much more. That now that I have a perfect person to be like, anything less makes me feel worse. My ideal me, what a concept. I wonder if he agonizes over everything his friends say. Does he agonize over being alone? Seeing all his friends start to get into relationships and be happy? Seeing all his friends leave together leaving him to fight university alone? Does he know that that decision was his fault? Does he even care? Why would he. I'm the shadow of a great man, if only in my head.

Quitting is a lot more than stopping
It's a lot more than throwing in the towel
It's a lot more than dropping out
A lot more than giving up
This right here?
What I'm doing
This is quitting

And honey
Oh honey,
The songs on the radio
Are just your words in a different voice
And the wind tickling my skin
Is just your voice carried from so far
And the bitter coffee
The reason why I'm doing so well here
Is just your dark humor flowing out of the cup

And honey
Oh honey,
The pillows just don't feel the same without you
And these warm winter days
Seem just as cold without you in my arm
The nights seem just a bit darker
And the future a little bit less clear
Without you now

And honey
Oh honey,
The beating of my heart
Is just you whispering that is wasn't me
And the pain in my chest
Is you breaking the glass that resides there
And water ruining your mascara
Is just the mask you gave me
And the words flowing like the sweet taste of alcohol
Neither of us really want to remember do we?

Honey
Oh honey,
The car seat was as soft as your hand
And the wind in my face
Was being in your presence
And the headlights from other cars
Was your peircing glaze
And the cold in my heart
Was the last thing I have to remember you bye

Crestfallen snow falling in the city
Giving its life to try and be
The stars they so desperately want to be
Falling to the once again barren ground
Confused why it can't give life
Only take it
They want to be like the stars
We are children of star dust
But the rapidly falling snow
Doesn't understand it's true purpose
Until the grounds rise to accept it
It's only through this cycle of death
That the stars can shine just a little bit brighter
And so when the proud snow collapses in
On its own weight
(Becoming so much like a star)
(Although it won't know this)
The proud snow
Can do its duty with a smile

nebious rubber skinned demons
haunting my dreams
eldritch casters of my fate
shape undefined
and vaguely human
they surronded me
and I knew I was asleep
And I couldnt wake up
and I couldn't fall asleep

This is an oppressive cold

The cold that bring the dead memories

Or maybe the memories of the dead

Back to life

The kind of cold kings are afraid of

The ones that **** indiscriminately

The grip of the reaper is absolute

And only in his grasp

Do we find what made us happy

Higher than a kite
Like that Elton John song you like
*******
Now that that's out of the way
I feel so happy for once
I could get used to it
I need to find a replacement
Somone
Or something
To make me care
Whatever you are
Thank you

Stop and start my heart again
Put my chart in its yellow bin
take my roaring pulse
feel my blood calamity up
how do you fix broken mind
because I'm flying blind

Whats the cure for frostbite of the heart?
again, I don't really want to start
I have a medical history
of a freezing heart
and in this summer
the feelings growing number

measure the beating of my heart
look at the EKG
my life in a pattern
up down up down up
...
isnt that a way to go

fix my broken bones
i tried catching up to you
i tripped over myself
and now i have to stop
untill i can see you again

When im standing here
i feel right next to nowhere
this is a spot
where the books plot
was forever brought forward

this is were we first kissed
the only time i felt such bliss
you said i love you too the moon and back
now if only my heart wasnt so black
we both could have walked away happy

Worry is the word of the century
I wasn't sure what to expect from this
what to expect from her
but the worry is eating away at me
and late at night its getting harder to fall asleep
pensive words only meant to comfort
being strong for hopefully the right reasons
being there for you when I am gone
these are what I promised you
in that lifetime past
in the new one at last
no one thinks paradise would be hell
until they live it themselves

Nebulous percolations
ideal futures fly by
pretentious is the venom you hate
but its the only thing you spew
late nights spent roiling in the thin cages
that you still throw over yourself
void like monsters
that you spawned
taunt you as you drift away
all it takes is a new start
but you are always running away from those
what's worse
the unknown future
or the tolerable present
hell isn't as hot as they say
and the future isn't as scary as you think
but you're in a trance like laziness
to keep everything exactly the same
and make sure what you think will happen
even if you don't want it too
will happen
because only fools dare to dream
that they are better than they are

Past present future, what defines you? Do you let all those things you regret never doing, those hours spent asking why does everybody else have what I want even though I'm better then them? Or do you live in the closer past where you hate yourself for thinking that. Or maybe you live in the present, just trying to be happy before the future tears everything apart. Perhaps you live in the future, where you are so focused on the stars you never realize when the earth leaves you behind.

Too many voices
saying notice me
Individualism
Word of the decade
excuse the majority
because they are the majority
excuse the voice of the unseen minority
because they are the majority
excuse everyone
because they aren't like you
live for each other, everyone is equal, excuse me

Why does it hurt so much to get up?

Oh how I wished I could dream

Some escape from this prison called reality

My head is never my safe haven

I just want a day without worry

No more stress, no more worrying about finding you

I just want to look in your eyes again

As we look up into the stars

I just want to see the reflection of the water on your eyes

I just want to feel you next to me

I've had to many people
get so ******* angry at me
for my depressed comments
thats the worst thing about me
i cant always hide my ugliest secrets
everyone looks at me and sees
the slightly overweight funny kid
but thats not me
thats never been me
but its the only thing i can do
that'll make people accept me
i need help
a silent call
is there a difference
between never saying anything
and saying anything but never listening

Blue was the color I was born with
Its in my eyes just as much as in my soul
I've always had something blue in my life
A blue car, a blue blanket
A blue scarf
I grew up you know?
And blue was my color
I see it when I look in the mirror
and not just in my eyes
Blue is the color of the ice chips
that seemed to be the only thing you gave
and like a man dying of thirst
I took that ice and lived on it
But that was in the past
Its summer now
isn't it?
So I don't need a scarf anymore
yes, I may have worn it before
and even now, i do
but that's not the blue life anymore
that's the adult flask i have
blue in everything but color
filled with the last of winters ice
I'd love to get drunk with you again winter
but you've left me here to melt away
I love you more than the seasons
and that's why my flask will remain unopened

Been struggling a lot lately
not really sure why
I stopped drinking
Just switching vices I suppose
I've been sleeping a lot
too bored to really do anything else
been thinking about you too
everything that happened
I'm still going to New York
that never changed
that will never change
you didn't have to break my trust you know?
you could have done anything but that

I really need you to understand something here.
Not the you that this has all been about,
but the you that this is all for.
I just want you to know
that when I meet you
I'll never write again.
The reason I write,
The reason I've always written,
was to find you.

In the city
there lies a marble statue
a beautiful piece of art
no two people see the same face
some see their loved ones
only if they are gone
some see themselves
although they don't recognize them
some see their parents
swearing they see heads shaken in disappointment.
What do I see?
A marble statue
head turned towards me

I feel like I'm looking for someone that doesn't exist. My oculus, my self. Perhaps, my oculus, you are truly my reflection, and every time I look me in the eye, I'm looking at the love of my life. But that can't be, when I can't pull a courages heart out of my magic hat. So you must be real. So please, please be real. Because reflecting nothing hurts like hell.

Ironic isn't it
The eyes looking back today
We're the same eyes I hate to look at
Ones filled with anger
With a hatred for those living
Harsh eyes
The smooth lines sharpening
The bags growing just a bit darker
More pronounced
The scowl slowly becoming permanent
I can't even say I wish this would stop
Because I didn't see it until the gallows
We're upon me
The noose drawn around my neck
You never notice the things you wish you never did
Until it's far to late
To even wish to change them

On the southern island
He sits on the patio
Drinking his underage beer
Laughing and smiling
Enjoying the party
The stars don't seem very dim down here
He just needs to use the restroom
And with the click of the lock
He fills a few pages from his book
And throws them away immediately
For he cannot stand what he is now
Pulling pills from his precious bottles
Gulping down all he can
He just wants to stop

This is how it goes babe
Feeling nauseous from the cheap liquor
It's that I promise
It's not me
It's funny that your sober
And I'm nowhere close to stable
Music blaring in my ear
Cops waiting in the hall
Liquor is slowly relaxing my blood
Allowing me to be drunk on life
This is how it goes babe
This is the closest Icarus can get
To the synthetic sun
And synthetic happiness

I've always been in the snow

I've always found it fascinating

How something so essential to us

Can freeze and become unique

Only to never be appreciated

For what do we do?

We plow it away

Away from our paths

And drudge on by

Oblivious to the lifetime of stories

We slowly crunch underfoot

I've always wondered why

Why god cries frozen now

And as I stand in the snow

With no protection

Of the mental or physical kind

I can't help but mirror gods actions

And create decrepit copies of my own

So much like my own words

I can never be the original

Only a sham of a copy

Hype, hype, hype, the new news!
Don't you dare hit that snooze!
The world is forever moving on
If you don't catch up...
You'll be used like a pawn

But what a glorious new day!
All she had to do was say...
Yes, a new day, a new life
I swear to new god
I won't let this fall to strife

New is the world this time
A feeling that was sublime
As I look into your eyes
And as the window shatters
I look at where I kept the photo's frame

Sometimes its in the eyes of people you meet
Just a small spark in their eye
or maybe the way the walk while being relaxed
something about them lets you know
that they are done
these people are completely and utterly done
too many bad days at work
too many broken hearts
not enough of the things that keep them going
and yeah maybe I've been struggling a bit these last few months
(its funny how I put weeks and years in for months and all are right)
What with you being in my life, and school really doing its best to knock me down
but...
but that shouldn't have been enough to give me that look
I'm not done
I can't be

Why can't I remember what your face looks like

He stalks these silent halls
A shadow on the wall
Not haven been spoken to in hours
And not spoken in many more
Everyone left the void this time
Leaving behind the shadows of doubt
Room to room
Silence to silence
He doesn't remember the halls being this cold
Shivers all along the strong front
He stalks on
Hunched shoulders and all
Long gone are the thoughts of speaking
For he is a monster
If only in his own head
And monsters shouldn't speak
For fear of being found out

In every room
Full of drunken people
There is always a few
Buzzed or sober
That clean up their acts
Look into each others eyes and say
Thanks for everything
They hug
The world stops everything
As it always does with these moments
And then they leave
To wake up tommorow
Not even knowing they did something significant

fooling around
in the rich heated pool
of your life
vague words
lead to a vague eternity
waiting for the
upper middle class
wannabe rich kids
to get over their horniness
and ******* orer dineer
becuase i am hungry
and i want to be free
and i am free
i want to be happy
and i am happy
and the other side of of giving a ****
is being happy
with the ***** you give

Theres something so beautifully sad
in having a book by the one and only Bobby fisher
teaching you how to play chess
just laying on the bed, open
yet never having won a game

There's something so beautifully sad
in having a guitar, all tuned and ready to play
leaning on my legs
despite the fact that I've
never so much as strummed a chord

There's something so beautifully sad
in listening to vinyl
becuase even though it does sound better
you only listen to a small collection
of people that you listened to not on vinyl

There's something so beautifully sad
with drinking away into the night
becuase when they say you've had enough
and then you stumble and drain another can
Thinking that no one noticed

There's something so beautifully sad
about the man who calls himself an artist
yet can't make art of any kind
and has to drink, even if it was only once
in order to make anything ever again

When you broke down
I saw it all
There wasn't a reason for it
At least none that we remember
There never is
Everything happens in the moment
The life never loved to its fullest
When you broke down
You saw it all
The creation of us
And the destruction of me
When you see the stars and the moon collide
Do you cry as much as you can
Or do you simply hold that image in your eyes
Letting it fuel your new found affection
Letting it reflect the lamp light in an almost dark room
Scaring the hell outta me
When I see them looking at me

It's a fake world we live in
Let's all sit around the table happily
And ignore mom shaking from lack of nicotine
Even though no one is supposed to know she smokes
Let's ignore my moms headache
And say it's due to allergies
And not a hangover
Let's ignore my sister almost failing out of medical school
Because we haven't seen her in so long
Let's ignore my dad's painful smile
Because he knows that his family
The one thing he actually works for
Is crumbling around him
Let's ignore me
Oh god for the love of god
don't start in on me

Living words were not
Enough to destroy your walls
As we tried to build

Something better than
What we were apart, and now
Drowning in ourselves

We fly towards the
Endless horizon, the void
Claiming our small lives

As we live with what
Our pentinance holds my dear
We cannot go on

As the new day starts
And the moon bids is goodbye
We never knew us

Make no mistake
im not an artist
im a lot of things
an poet isnt one of them
im a fake if i was real
everything i write
dances with the truth
like two prancing lovers in a field
who are slowly dying
from overdosing on something they shouldnt have taken
i hate what i write
i hate myself
i really do

When the moon sets
And the words still descend
The ink still wet
New and another
Worked to the bone
The naked words run
Cracked and baked in their solitude
Across the page
Across the eyes
Across the universe
It's the only constant I believe in
The utter ineptitude of these words
And the chilling look in your eyes

Listen as grandpa never talks about the war
The stories he never wanted to tell
For a good reason
im sure this is why he hates my dad

hear the creaking of my grandmas hip
she couldn't even walk around the house
listen to here on the post surgery pain pills
rambling about the old days

hear my other grandma
recovering from chemo
she has a new lease on life
we all hope it wont come back

observe my uncle never being home
workaholic is just a word
but it slowly kills babies
growing up without fathers

listen to my sister
the immature brat
older than me
she's going to fail out of college

i never asked for these people
like so many other things i was born into it
we all have our vices
listen to me

I have to expand every thought I have
to come up with some way to hope for forgiveness
everyone will tell me its not a big deal
that it was a freshman party
there's always one kid who had to much to drink there
it wasn't supposed to be me
I was supposed to just have fun
but alcohol soothes the depression
I haven't drunk enough to not be melodramatic
I dont know what to do anymore

I could lie and say it was an accident
but I've always hoped to accidentally see you one more time
We were both driving somewhere, different directions
I feel like there is a joke there
and I know you didn't recognize me
I changed how I look a lot since you last saw me
I wasn't sure what I was expecting
but this longing certainly wasn't it

As the newly minted family of geese
swim along in front of me
Mother in front, Father in back
I really hope that they notice
the one they left behind
and I'm scared to think
that they already do

I'm done now,
In so many ways
Done with the depression
It's time to embrace the light
Done with the hiding
I am victorious
Done with the confidence
For I am me
Done with losing
Because I have been winning all along
I'm done with looking for you
Because you can't look for something that will happen naturally
But more than any of that,
I'm done writing
Not forever, never forever
But for now, it's time to stop writing about what could be
And start making it happen
This needs to be done
To all my readers, all my followers
Thank you for being there
To the friends, to the/b/rothers, to the strangers
You always made another day worth living
Thank you for everything
I love all of you

-I am no longer Blueflask71,
                                            Just call me Alex

I hope it's beautiful where you are
That you can look up at the sky and not worry
These are trying times
And someone like you doesn't deserve that
You deserve the world at its best
What a rotten gift
Atop this blue marble
One of us sits and writes these words
And the other lays and reads
Seperated by a duty to betterment
Promises that a different man made
I hope you can look at the moon
And know I'm looking too
I hope you can feel this cool winter air
And know I'm shivering too
I hope you know that I'm missing you
And I hope that you are missing me

I should have done a lot of things today
I should have enjoyed myself
I should have been happy with the time I spent with friends
I should have said something to you
I should have given you this stupid stuffed animal
I should have been faster in my thoughts
I did a lot of things I shouldn't do
I shouldn't have been looking for you
I shouldn't have  looked into your eyes and fallen in love
I shouldn't have spent the rest of the day looking for you
I shouldn't have lived my life like this for the years I have
I'm sorry
I'm so sorry

Its the second long looks that **** me
the wandering eyes in chemistry lecture
we locked eyes for what felt like nothing
it never would be long enough to reassure my mind
its always just enough to cause a panic attack
but never enough to make me stop
randomly
looking around
to just look in your eyes again
and not feel ******* nothing

I'm really ****** sick again
Lay time I was sick was last summer
That was the first time I fell in love with you
I wonder what will happen this time
As the stars in the sky shine a bit more dimly
And the moon looks on wth passive sympathy
******* this would be easier if you stayed

I was bad when I was younger

To arrogant with my ways

Spurned those deemed below me

Those kings and queens now hold

My indigo fate

Raining at night
The moon catching every perfect drop
Not a chance to see the stars tonight is there?
No, it's foggy, it's murky, it's so **** sad
You sit on the park bench
An umbrella nothing more than a dull memory
The rain felt good on your skin
One of the little things you appreciate in life
You smile, taking another drink
You've reached peace with your life
Everything's that's happened to you
All the times your hearts been broken
All the times you succeeded
And it felt like nothing
All the times you thought you were living
But in a few days you were right back in your old habits that caused all problems in the first place
But that's not right now
Right now
You are living
You close your eyes and lean your head back
You smile as the sobbing shudders break through you
You feel the rain on your face
No longer knowing if they are natural or not
And you can't find it in yourself to care
You know you'll spend the night here
Maybe someone will find you
Maybe not
But at least this time
You can go to sleep knowing you were happy
If only for a little bit

are you there now?
are you truly sleeping?
or was that just an excuse to sort through everything
when you changed my world
you cuased me to hold my breath
and never let go of it
its a warm humid breath
that chilled my lungs
you gripped my heart
and my heart is still constricted
you looked me dead in the eye
and asked me a question
and never answered back
in the clear cut way
i got a response
but now i'm just kinda gerrymandering
i don't think i need to breath yet though

Everything has a double meaning
Double entendres
I believe it's called
But are we playing that game?
Are we being perfectly honest with you each other?
Or are you just being cordial?
Maybe we are both playing the game...
horrible sport at that
Never been one to lie to get them to like me
No I'm an old school basterd
I prefer Chess
All the pieces there can only move how you tell them
So are we playing a game?
Or did I already lose?