I feel as though I cannot talk about my loss
It feels so taboo
But how am I supposed to spend this Christmas missing you
You wouldn’t be here yet but it feels your already forgotten
I still have nightmares about the day I found out I lost you
Sometimes I sit there minding my business and I feel the pain in my chest
I still have a habit of putting my hands on my tummy to let you know I’m still here
I yearn to continue to protect
I punish myself every day telling myself that it’s somehow my fault you died
Despite doing everything in my power
My body failed me and it lied
You were dead for weeks while i celebrated and was impatient
Watching my false bump grow
For the day id see you big on that screen with your daddy adjacent
Instead I’ve lost you both because the loss turned me into a monster
The grief turned me into someone I don’t even recognise and the mummy you know; I’ve lost her
All I wanted was to be a mother and a wife and it feels like it’ll never happen
The greif came along and killed her like an assassin
I want to find myself again, so daddy can someday love me once more
But my soul since I lost you both has been left so torn
I wish I had died that day I had to say goodbye
So I didn’t have to live this life without you both by my side
I never wanted it to end up like this and I wish I didn’t let me break my spirit
But now all I want is to join you up there with a visit
I miss a face I have never seen and a smile that will never beam
And a child I will only ever get to hold in my heart
I hope I make you proud and I’m sorry I lost your daddy
And I hope that while mummy cannot be there with you to keep you safe
That you are truly happy
I miss you my angel, more than you’ll ever know
While I’m not a religious person I look for you in the sky
I promise I’ll do my best to continue to grow
Until someday I get to call your special spot in heaven my home
I will never stop continuing to fight for me and your father to work out
So we can give you a sibling that can have a piece of you with them
And we can someday talk about you and shout
Until then I hold you in my memories
And keep you in my heart
And soon we will no longer be apart

I was raised
Surrounded by shouting
Fights and arguments
I was traumatised countless times
And i either can’t stop feeling
Or I desperately try to feel something
Never an inbetween
Just dragged from one side to the other
In the blink of an eye
Feeling everything to the extreme
Even my numbness
I can’t trust anyone
No matter how hard I try
I’ll always feel unloved
Because from a young age
I never knew what love was
I never experienced what everyone else did
I wouldn’t know a healthy family dynamic
If it slapped me in the face
The emotional abuse
All the pain I was made to feel
The nights staying awake
Sobbing
Too scared they’ll hear me and give me something to cry about
And now being an adult
Still under their roof
19 years later and still analysing the footsteps coming up the stairs
Scared to be a second late
Or to speak in the wrong tone
Because I knew what would happen
Eternally fearing I’ll upset someone
Pretending to sleep
Faking having work so I have an excuse to leave the house and escape the torment
I just want to leave
I want to be a proper adult and leave this hell
And find that peace I always dreamed of

The smell of a cigarette will always bring me comfort
And soon enough
That taste that entered my lips
Bought me comfort too
The melancholy feeling of inhaling that smoke
Exhaling it slowly
As if it’s an unhealthy breathing technique I need when I’m panicking
Breathe in, Breathe out
The sadistic flavour lingers in your mouth for hours
Reminding you of your relapse
Your mistakes
Reminding you that he will no longer love you if he smells the cancerous aroma on your breath
You ******* up
No matter how much it helps to inhale and exhale that smoke
Taste that bitter flavour of tobacco
Breathe in, Breathe out
You quit once before to improve your health
But here you are
Breathing it in and out
Until the guilt eats you alive
And that smell of cigarette
No longer reminds you of a simpler time
But rather that you’re forever going to disappoint those you love
The light on the cigarette goes out
Just like the light inside of you
You’re both dead
And soon
You’ll be discarded too.

Every time I think I’m getting better
I have those thoughts crawl up
And tear me apart
Reminding me of how horrible I could be
Because I feel as though my recovery isn’t good enough
And it’ll never be good enough
One slip up and I hate myself
And I feel as though I’ve failed myself
As well as those around me
Why is nothing ever forever
Can”t recovery last over time
Having slip ups isn’t fair at all on me
I just want to recover completely and be the person I’m striving to be already
They say time heals all wounds
But for me my time creates wounds
Because that time is spent bottling things up
Until my head explodes and I black out
And I ruin good things
And fail myself
I just wish to be healed
And better
Why do I self sabotage
And why do I never feel good enough
Will time heal me
Or will it destroy me
Like it did before

if only things were different

we didnt need to scream and cry in the streets to get our voices heard

we didnt need to argue basic human rights

we didnt need to march the streets to protect innocent lives

if only things were different

i wish we could be in a world where it wasnt full of hate

i wish we lived somewhere someone can exist safely