I was raised
Surrounded by shouting
Fights and arguments
I was traumatised countless times
And i either can’t stop feeling
Or I desperately try to feel something
Never an inbetween
Just dragged from one side to the other
In the blink of an eye
Feeling everything to the extreme
Even my numbness
I can’t trust anyone
No matter how hard I try
I’ll always feel unloved
Because from a young age
I never knew what love was
I never experienced what everyone else did
I wouldn’t know a healthy family dynamic
If it slapped me in the face
The emotional abuse
All the pain I was made to feel
The nights staying awake
Sobbing
Too scared they’ll hear me and give me something to cry about
And now being an adult
Still under their roof
19 years later and still analysing the footsteps coming up the stairs
Scared to be a second late
Or to speak in the wrong tone
Because I knew what would happen
Eternally fearing I’ll upset someone
Pretending to sleep
Faking having work so I have an excuse to leave the house and escape the torment
I just want to leave
I want to be a proper adult and leave this hell
And find that peace I always dreamed of

The smell of a cigarette will always bring me comfort
And soon enough
That taste that entered my lips
Bought me comfort too
The melancholy feeling of inhaling that smoke
Exhaling it slowly
As if it’s an unhealthy breathing technique I need when I’m panicking
Breathe in, Breathe out
The sadistic flavour lingers in your mouth for hours
Reminding you of your relapse
Your mistakes
Reminding you that he will no longer love you if he smells the cancerous aroma on your breath
You ******* up
No matter how much it helps to inhale and exhale that smoke
Taste that bitter flavour of tobacco
Breathe in, Breathe out
You quit once before to improve your health
But here you are
Breathing it in and out
Until the guilt eats you alive
And that smell of cigarette
No longer reminds you of a simpler time
But rather that you’re forever going to disappoint those you love
The light on the cigarette goes out
Just like the light inside of you
You’re both dead
And soon
You’ll be discarded too.

Every time I think I’m getting better
I have those thoughts crawl up
And tear me apart
Reminding me of how horrible I could be
Because I feel as though my recovery isn’t good enough
And it’ll never be good enough
One slip up and I hate myself
And I feel as though I’ve failed myself
As well as those around me
Why is nothing ever forever
Can”t recovery last over time
Having slip ups isn’t fair at all on me
I just want to recover completely and be the person I’m striving to be already
They say time heals all wounds
But for me my time creates wounds
Because that time is spent bottling things up
Until my head explodes and I black out
And I ruin good things
And fail myself
I just wish to be healed
And better
Why do I self sabotage
And why do I never feel good enough
Will time heal me
Or will it destroy me
Like it did before

if only things were different

we didnt need to scream and cry in the streets to get our voices heard

we didnt need to argue basic human rights

we didnt need to march the streets to protect innocent lives

if only things were different

i wish we could be in a world where it wasnt full of hate

i wish we lived somewhere someone can exist safely

the hospital walls
begin closing in on me
i dont want to be here
please let me leave
im all alone here
hes waiting outside
but you wont let him in
until you asked
about my history
with mental health
and i told you all about
my suicidal thoughts
and you watched
as i ran to him outside
and i dropped to the floor
crying and shaking
unable to breathe
begging him to
take me home
because i didnt want
to be there anymore
until he walked me
right back inside
as i cried while everyone
surrounding me
decided to stare and watch
as i have my panic attack
unable to show empathy