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if i am lonely
if you are lonely
if we are lonely
if we are all lonely together
are we really lonely
at all?
are we?
everyone knows Pain
she visits every one of us
wearing different disguises
different costumes
so we do not even realise
that Pain has become our friend
until we are sobbing on the floor of the staff room
until we are putting up barriers so we never let such humanity show
until we are cutting off lovers, family, friends
until our own raw reflection is too much confrontation to handle

every one knows Pain
she presents us with a bottle and promises a cure
she hands us a blade and offers an escape
she gives us diet pills and leads the way to "True Beauty"

Pain looks so different every time
making it near impossible to spot her pretty lies
if you look closely though,
she has a pattern of isolation
never, will she promote Unity
Connection,
Hope,
Community
always, she will order you to operate alone
forever drawing upon inner self-centeredness
never, will she guide you to Truth

every one knows Pain
she is a clever friend to all
always lurking in the background
waiting, on standby
ready to become our transportation to the morgue

we have a closer friend called Healing
stored in a back shelf
that we sometimes forget
she also comes in many forms
she is a song
she is a hug
she is a pen
she is a pen
do you think that you are beautiful?
the question filled the room
the question mark,
so stark
digging into my ribs
like a phantom pain
that everybody else calls hypochondria
that i call invalidation

i grab the question mark
with a fierce fist of indignation
i change the words around
an attempt at self love promotion
i throw the question mark away
pull out my bold persona

YOU DO THINK THAT YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!
EXCLAMATION POINT!
CAPITAL LETTERS!
BOLD!

do not question my beauty.
do not question my existence.
do not fill the space that i dare to embrace
with a question mark
when you could be making magic
when you could be dancing in the light of your own healing

yes,
i do think that i am beautiful
you shouldn't
have
to
ask
you shouldn't have to ask
There were people in every room
Inthe hallway
In the street
There was no where safe
No escape
No secret harbour
Nothing
Eventually he found an alleyway
Wonderfully empty
Until he noticed the human canvas
Sitting crosslegged in the corner
That's the day he painted his first masterpiece
Thats the day that he met me
i dont know you anymore
i put a sign on the door
it says,
do not enter
danger
beware
i dont know you anymore
there is nothing left
this closet
is so lonely
i once found cowardly refuge in its privacy
now this closet
looks
more like a coffin
please let this weary soul rest in peace
rest in peace
hope is a fairy tale that i no longer believe in
my liar of a mother
told me hope is a forever friend
my forever friend left me
in the middle of a **** storm called
MARRIAGE.

hope was the name of a daughter,
i never had
never birthed
never nursed

hope cheated on me with bitterness
they ran off together to a land
that i cannot enter
where my strangeness is forbidden
and my name is unknown

hope is a rejection letter
that i keep receiving
the same **** words, repeated
over and over
in different cursive
by different senders

hope is a mindless drunk
intoxicated by listless lies
"i will call you"
"i will love you"
"i am your friend"
lies that i once believed
in my naive adolescence

hope is a reoccurring nightmare
a dark, hooded figure
with a noose for a head
and shovels for hands
digging a grave,
imbedded in my soul
a metaphorical black hole
representing all that i have lost

hope is a future that i cannot see
hope is a gift that i will never receive
hope is a fairy tale
a story with the happiest of endings
hope is a myth
in which i cannot believe
hope is a fairytale.
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