I could daydream about a better life.
Where you are not anywhere near me.
I could scream myself to sleep at night.
Find a way to be somewhere else.
Don't want to be where you are anymore.
You are at the lowest low.
You've got a twisted plan.
To take with you as many people as you can.
And you plea for salvation.
With your fingers crossed.
And try to explain.
That you aren't willing to change.
A man can if he wants to.
I remember when i used to look up to you.
That everything you said was true.
Is that not what little girls are supposed to do?
Who the hell made you in charge?
I have these horrible thoughts.
That you'll smoke till cancer kills.
Or that you'd swallow a bottle of pills.
Just so you could disappear...
Its horrible to think these things of someone you love.
Even more that your my blood.

It's not okay,
To push people away.
But that's what I seem to do.
Every single day.
I can't let anyone get to close.
Even though I wanted you the most.
I can't let anyone in,
Because then, I'll get attached to them.

Fight for what you want.
Even when others give up.
You are your most important person.
Its all on you.
To push through.
You know what you have to do.

I wonder if you’d want to know
I named all of my demons after you and
they haunt me in my sleep

when I was 14 I fell asleep in April and dreamed of bones and
I’m not sure I’ve really ever woken up since

when I lost 5 pounds I never saw a difference

when I lost 10 my mother said I was looking good

when I lost 20 she told me to stop and handed me food
and I became anemic

when I lost 25 I stopped drinking anything because
I felt water had calories

when I lost 30 my mother held me on her lap
and held my bones together for me

when I lost 35 I started fainting every morning and
the doctors could no longer easily find my blood pressure

when I lost 40 people started to stare and food made me cry

when I lost 45 it hurt to walk and to lay down
it hurt to eat
it hurt to breathe and
I started throwing up my empty stomach

the mind plays tricks on those that decide
nourishment is not needed

Eat.