Tell me how to quit the rat race
Show me how to find a way
Teach me how to break these patterns
Find a way from work, to play.

I have had enough of lying,
Mediocre isn't me
I am slowly, slowly dying
I am longing to be free.

How'd I get here? Why'd I stay here?
I gave up, and now I'm old,
Help me not make poor decisions,
Help me to be brave, and bold.

Find me, find me,
Guide me, mind me,
Stay and love me
Stand behind me.

My sadness
Is a late summer storm.

A few days of sun,
But I knew it was brewing.
Anticipation, trepidation,
Gathering resolve.

It thunders over me
When I least expect it.
There's a sudden build up
Then release.

Afterwards
I feel renewed
for a while.

Only for a while.

I can still hear the thunder, in the distance
And I know it will return,
Heavier, and darker than before.

Your birth was a storm of pain.
Red clouds
Roiling above a viscous sea.
Each surge
A bargain made with nature
For redemption, for release.

But I was never afraid.
I listened to you, your quiet calm,
Connecting, even then.
I breathed, perspired and rode
the rapids of my body,
Followed the pulse and rhythm of something unrestrained,
Released from deep within,
Urging me on.

There's a moment, when birthing
Like finding yourself alone, in a hot air balloon,
Rising higher and higher
Without the hope of return to solid ground.
You feel your insides gather, prepare for something new,
And it is new,
Indescribable, other, you feel like a creature from another world
And that's what you looked like too.
Little alien, yet so familiar
Eyes on each other
Daughter and mother.

My eyes are getting heartily sick of the demands on them
And are refusing to produce
Any more tears.
My stomach
Wants a chuckle,
So come on,
Joke me up
real good,
I need a
       Hysterical
           Over the top
                Roll around
                     Chortle-fest.

I need to start laughing
Before my eyes give in,
And begin, again,
To cry.

Your silence
Moves me in ways your words never did
Your silence
Destroys my speech
Paralyses my thoughts
Provokes my tears
Undoes me.

As the days unfold
I forget how we sounded
Your silence
Dements me
Your silence
Makes me question
Makes me wallow in despair.

I make hasty decisions
Say things I shouldn’t
Your silence unwomans me
Makes me violent, makes me rage

You brought me here
Against all reason
Wore me down
Dangled me on a string
Until I broke
And now you abandon me
Silence engulfs me

Far away, where you are
Do you imagine me silent
Or are you clapping your hands over your ears
To block out my screams?

I'm convinced that I needed you
To find myself, again
You offered me a doorway
Back into my own head.
It could have been anyone
You are unimportant
In the scheme of things
I'm in love with the drama and the dreaming,
Not the man.
It would hurt you to know this
What happened between us
was exactly what it was, for you.
Not the aftermath
The cleaving to a dream.
I'm sorry.
I used you.
Would it help to know
That I was clueless at the time?
I believed myself helpless
Even as a little part of me stood aside
Detached from every feeling
And rejoiced in what this meant for me
Awakening
Rebirth.

Give me a word
And I will find a way to make it mean you.
You are so present, in everything,
That the word ‘reminder’ is redundant.

Other words that no longer make any sense;
Perspective
Laughter
Happiness
and trust.

I have no use for ‘music’ now
I think I understand the concept, but
it’s alien, and makes me shudder.
Why would I allow it to enter my ears
And encourage tears?

Kiss.
That’s another one to re-examine.
I can’t recall your kiss,
I try, and my mouth quivers, and implodes
My insides twist
And I’m engulfed in misery.

There are some words I can’t deny, though
I can’t bear to list them here.

Lying with you, in our meadow,
Surrounded by wild flowers,
You playfully trace a finger
Down a skin-splash of sun.
Reaching in, your lips stroke my collarbone,
Making me shiver, even in this heat.
Our laughter trails the breeze,
And we ride this July high,
Lost in each other,
Kissing away all care.
I am bedded here, in flowers,
Opening up for you, like a tender bud,
Dipping, dancing,
Aching to be sipped.

She counts the moments
In sighs and shudders
And sings his wonders in the wide and wanting spaces
At the centre of her soul.

She loses herself
In the world between the words
And hides his shy confessions
In the shadow of her secret self.

There is a pink furry one
For snuggling,
Under the coffee table,

A silver chiming one
Hanging from the door.

Upstairs two tiny ones
Beat in harmony,
Sleeping and at peace.

And you are playing with mine,
Holding it inside you,
Making me wonder if you plan to be gentle
When you hide it away, with your own.

You don't know that I have yours, already
I stole it away, as you slept.
It beat faster and harder, trying to warn you,
But I calmed it with a kiss...

And now it's mine, and I will not give it up.
Keep squeezing what you have,
But I need you to be careful,
And I will be, too,
I'll take my cue from you.

I think I will
Cut off my hands
They have not served me well
And must go.
I will gouge away my tongue
It ought to be removed
Before it does more damage
My traitorous thighs -
I will line the path you longed to trace with kisses
With tiny cuts instead
Small, but deep
I’ll make myself a freak.
Then I’ll take the knife to my *******
You always liked them best
So I will cut, swift and clean, discard them in a little heap, trash,
They deserve nothing better.
And now, I am a tongueless, sexless, bleeding horror
Dismembered, a series of parts
On display for you,
Come see.
Penetrate my gaping mouth,
Rub the moisture from my thighs,
Gather up my *******,
Hold my hands
And own me, what you’ve made me
I’m all yours.

I thought it would stop happening
With distance,
But it doesn't.

I am ashamed.

I feel that every time I write
It is a new betrayal,
But I can't help it.

I keep thinking of the movie
Where the girl wipes all memories of her ex-lover from her brain.
Would I do that, if I could?
You aren't my ex-lover,
But I love you,
And I wish I didn't.

I am ashamed.

Confusion is more than a mental state
For me right now,
It's a mindset.
I embrace it.

There are multiple worlds in my head.
I'm living them all.

I am ashamed.

I wish to unplug
The primal urge.
Life would be much simpler in its absence.
I wish to turn off
All turn ons.
Disconnect
Unwanted connections.
The bill is too high,
And there's always the risk of
an explosion.

Suddenly, this year, I want to **** everyone
Or, more specifically, our friends;
My best friend, his best friend
Old friends
New friends
Friends I haven't seen for years.
I think I must be lacking something
But also, it is just about the ***.
Because I'm thirty seven
What if all my best encounters are behind me?
What if the best lay of my life
Is sitting next to me at a cafe
Or trotting along beside me on a power walk?
I don't want to get it on with strangers, enemies, colleagues,
Or the good looking guy who makes my coffee at Starbucks
Just friends
Am I missing something
Obvious to everybody else?

There is a beauty spot somewhere on my body,
And I want you to find it.
Drink me in
As your fingers surf my skin.
Take your time
It's all about the journey,
You are creating
as you trace.
Oh yes, linger there, scrutinise intently
Touch me, slowly, gently,
I am smiling,
Because I know where it is.

She is five, and her heart is an ocean
Into which I plunge, warm at first, tickled by the sun,
Then cooling; her questions surge, and surf,
Here is a storm; steady, little sea-sprite,
Let me guide you o'er the raging waves.

What can I teach her, my elf-child, sweet fay?
There will be dreams; follow them,
Some will come true; more, if you believe, if you are brave.
Each of our hearts are an ocean full of dreams,
Find fisher-folk, patient, gentle, strong.

Love them with your whole heart,
As though you can save the world by loving.
Your love is a prize that the rarest will win;
Gift it to these, the ones who take your dreams and hold them,
Ever precious, as their own.

I want to *******
And **** you
And kiss you
I miss you
Will you
Please   Please          Please
PLEASE
Just
      *******
Come back?

I imagine your lips at the curve of my neck
Where soft white skin stretches like satin,
Inviting you to bite my shoulder.
Oh, feel free, I would love to feel your teeth there,
Bite until I breathe in sharply, and shiver.
I may try to pull away, but don't let me go,
It is all an act, I want to be here,
Firmly held by you, I don't want to escape.
Bite a little harder, a warning, with the aim to subdue,
My struggles will subside, see? I like it,
Love it, everything you do to me sets me on fire.
Taste me, bite me there again,
Pleasure will outweigh delicious pain.

I see your teeth
In the dark
Silently gnashing,
Grinding and clashing.

Bone
Bleached white
In sunlight
Scarred by teeth -
You bit down hard
You tore through flesh

You took your meal
Washed down with tears, with grief.

I eat voraciously, wanting so much,
And am never, ever sated.
I am discerning.
What I want is good food,
The sweetest of treats,
The choicest of meats,
I hunger for delicious,
And consume with delight.

I love ravenously and without reserve,
It consumes me.
I live, and love,
As if that is all that there is, and it is,
It is everything.
I cannot reign it in,
Or make it any less.

There are people who can be content
With just enough, with a little.
They are moderate people,
Sensible and satisfied.
Not I, when I want,
I want the world.
Like a little child,
Hungry and fixated, my open mouth
And thrumming, eager heart
Ready to give everything,
Waiting to be filled.

Everyone keeps telling you to 'Quiet down! Hush!'
Confusion on your little face, big questioning eyes.
You are still young enough to be wholly you,
And 'too loud' has no meaning.
Your voice is you, its timbre and pitch and volume, all your own,
They are telling you to change.
This will happen to you, again and again, my hearts own child,
I cannot prevent it.
But I will not ask you to hush,
And my heart will weep the day I hear you check before you speak,
The day that a subdued, sorry whisper emerges
From where a ***** roar once dwelled.

Are all these ******* and tears
A release
A purge
The final stage of grief?
Or are they madness,
Wallowing,
Refusal to let go?

******* THEN tears
And maybe that's the key,
I never cried before at any of those moments
I never felt the need.
I think, that on reflection
This is good,
This is goodbye.

I must tread carefully,
Your heart is in intensive care
And only just stable.
Let me nurse you,
I will be gentle.
I'm prescribing friendship, hope and love.
Swallow these sweet pills,
And just enjoy the cure.