What was it that I wanted to find?
Was it your love, or was it just a distraction from my daily grind?
I have felt so much it's beyond words could say;
In the past few months, I have found it so hard to keep my feelings at bay.
I waited each day for you hoping my love you would find;
And that would, in turn, ease my crazy, restless mind!
I hoped, I begged, I prayed, and I cried;
I waited till all my wet tears had dried.
Each day I carried my heart on my sleeve;
Prayed to God that in my love, you would believe.
But all my attempts went in vain;
Each day you crushed my hopes and left me in agonizing pain.
The more you ignored me, the more I followed you.
The more you hated me, the more I thought I loved you!
This clash of feelings went on for days;
I felt like a prisoner in chains, like a rat in a maze;
Then slowly but surely my agony diminished;
You loved me not of that; I became convinced!
I was crushed, but I had accepted my fate;
I knew there would be no one waiting for me at the gate.
I was sad, but there was peaceful calm above;
I didn't have to ponder for hours about whether you would accept my love.
Then one morning just out of the blue;
You came to me and said about my tender feelings, you knew!
At last, you said the words I was waiting to hear,
I thought I would feel an inexplicable joy, my dear.
But I didn't quite know what was going wrong?
I felt nothing....just nothing at all!
And then it dawned on me this revelation
It's wasn't you love that I wanted, it was your attention.
I was searching for myself outside of me,
And I thought somehow by finding you I would be set free.
But now I know I was just a lost soul;
I was a deer in headlights...I was a fish in a bowl.
At that moment when you confessed to me your feelings;
I should have felt love, but I felt old wounds healing!
I had found the solution to the problem I myself had created;
I realized it wasn't you that I loved, it was me that I had hated!