last night we played tiddlywinks
and snakes and ladders
drank red wine
and watched a silly film
honey dripped down the walls
and wings sprouted
from nubs
and we were
for the evening
the richest of people

My heart was buried with you that day
I was left numb
Holding the weight of the emptiness
That space were you were not
That space where joy had left

I walked around on autopilot
A faint outline of me
Just visible on the surface
With a burning, crippling pit inside

I was beyond the muddy puddle
I was face down
At the bottom of the murky river
Cold
Stuck
Surrounded by darkness
Slowly sinking into the mud
With the weight of my tears
Like a fallen tree holding me down
I was not trying to get up
Because I had no strength to
No will power
No heart  
If I never came back up
I would only see you sooner
And that
Was the only comfort I could see

And then
You spoke to me
Clear as day
And you used that serious voice
Only used for serious things
And you said
And I will never forget
You said
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare. There are good things to come.”
And like a bolt of lightening
Shot into my chest
I pushed my head out of the water
With a breath of life
And you offered me back the empty jar that was my heart

Today was a sad day
Nothing special happened
Except something very ordinary didn’t happen
Something was missing
Someone was missing

Today was a sad day
It was like buying a magnum ice cream  
And discovering it didn’t have the chocolate
And seeing everyone else enjoy their chocolate covered magnums
It was ok
It was fine
It was just missing the best part

Today was a sad day
I saw daughters with their mums
And mums with their daughters
And how lovely is that
But not for me
She should have been there
She should have joined me
We would have gone shopping together
And it would have been just like a normal day
But covered in chocolate

The poet lives two lives.
One on the outside,
And one in their mind.

When you look in their eyes
You could see an abyss.

If you looked long enough
You could sink into it.

But most people don’t see it.

Take the time to read the words, though,
And you would know for sure.

The poet lives in two different worlds.

There lives a quiet strength in the oak tree
The trunk so solid and stable

There lives beauty in the blossom and
Soft flowing leaves

There lives determination
In the shoots bravely sprouting
From a fallen tree

There lives you in nature
There lives you, my mother

Love covers past
Presence and
Future
It seeps into times
Long before you met
Like snowdrops appearing in the bleak
Tiny diamonds of sweetness and calm
Love grows
In all the nooks of your future
Like a sunrise
Reaching out
Trickling its hope
Into the once dark corners of your soul
Love surrounds your presence
Like an invisible coat
To keep out the breeze
And a perfectly placed bench
To rest your tired knees

Some days I’m floored
Some days it’s still a shock
Some days I’m so happy I cry
because I never thought I would be
There’s so much I would love to tell you
and so much you already know
Your belief in me has remained
after your death
Your hugs have lasted
longer than from when you let go
I miss you mum
But I feel you in my life
stronger than ever
I’m becoming myself
and you’re right there
You’d be so proud of me