it happened and my heart quickened
and I want you to feel pain as I did
but for the reasons
I felt it

someone was supposed to say sorry

but I only did what was set to be done

what was to be proven


I didn't know what I meant to do
particularly when it came to you
and how we seemed to dance around
without taking waltz lessons willingly

crushed toes and partly salvaged emotions

I had no intention of proof

by god that's all I wanted from you

some sort of pulse
anything to tell me what
I was seeing was worth beliving

but there is
no bar to high jump over


apathetic occupation where it didn't belong


but it stands to no more reason

what was to be shown

is what had to be done

QED

its too late for coffee and too early for *****

the destruction in me says start the *****

and the destruction in me says brew some coffee

laying there thinking my world is shrinking

and hoping i could just for a second be with you again

in an honest way

not how we were or how we are to say too many words too shortly



that is the secret we share


we have the heart inside of us

that makes use of all the matter we are made of

and i know that the type of heart we have
love and hate differently

we wiggle and hope there is rational
we strain for some sort of situation where everything falls into place

but when it hurts its almost to much to bear

because its everything and its honest

and the lies are the easy part of us

its the drizzle and rain that makes us wonder why we missed on something that should have or could have

at least that's how it is for me and i cant speak for you
sadly that is something we really do have in common

i really was hoping that you were going to stand up and shout at some point but

it was just that smile

just that smile

and some days its all i need
but how it hurts



all i know is whatever happens, happened

the fact of the matter
the wrong thing never feels right

because you've been here before

which should prove
that rings are inconsequential
malice is not the genius of what you wanted her to be

they say you cant have your cake and eat it too
the royal they are right

you get married
white dress
and shes beautiful

when she falls out of love
and ends up
in my house
in my bed
in my life
******* everything up for me

making me wish
i could have her
make better choices

that ended up with

me and her in the first place
not sneaking in silver
while current bronze

former gold

who won on a technicality

sits at home
hoping she doesn't fall in love with me

well.

she did.

but so did i.

i hope you get into medical school
so all i have to do is eat an apple everyday

i hope you always have money to buy extra bread-sticks
but never the self control stop eating them

i hope your 15 seconds of fame falls on daylight savings

i hope you never avoid movie or tv spoilers  

i hope your children are loved and cared for
but have their hearts broken by mine

i hope you always anticipate a surprise birthday party

i hope you always wake well rested
3 hours late for work

i hope you dance in the metaphoric rain
and catch metaphoric pneumonia

i hope your next thanksgiving is spent in an airport

i hope you are mildly inconvenienced every morning

i hope all your book pages stick together

i hope that you always will question if you left your oven on

i hope your future roommates always use all the hot water

i hope you always find the words to say
but never the right time to say them

i hope you never figure out how to pick a ripe avocado

i hope all your dinners are directly impacted
by the fickle nature of a toaster oven

i hope your curiosity gets the better of you
and you find out what cat food tastes like

i hope your favorite band breaks up
and you miss their kick *** reunion tour

i hope you watch an unhealthy amount of daytime tv

i hope you outlive me on the off chance that your paper boy will miraculously skip your house on the day my obituary is printed
because nothing would make my ghost happier to know
that you were forced to find out after  literally everyone else that
i passed away in my sleep surrounded by people who loved me
while you sat in your house old grey never thinking of me until you
read some 50 words in a newspaper and even if its for a second i want you to wonder what kind of life i had because you will have had no part in it.

we never stood a chance against our dead in the headlight blindsiding backwards way of living

coffee cups and arbitrary laughter

i never liked living room company
i prefer the horses
never take a shoe off and stand when you're able

my name is Andrew and I like fist fights and burnt marshmallows
piles of winter headwinds and snow drifts that don't numb your ankle
hard work with no shirt and two day stubble
a few beers at night but not enough to hurt it
i've never been one for hangovers
i like crescent wrenches that fit perfectly
the pop of a difficult pickle jar and the inedible satisfaction after
i like my friends and thereafter
i'm not keen on others who want that circle larger
back squats and knee wraps
jello shots that don't cost me a dime
i do what i want and want what i do
i will live my life upon my dreams
and i don't have any regrets

what alone used to mean

you start off thinking Ibsen and Bukowski
by second order effect
were right
being alone is a measure of strength
and in your own world
no weight
no body is stronger than yours
then the first one comes along

she
well
she is fast
its a firework
in a heart frame
she paints a picture
drop
whistle
boom
her hands end up down your pants
under a blanket
hoping your parents don't walk down stairs
basement touching
turns into basement loving
awkward fumbling
inhale
shes in pain
you don't know what you're doing
but you're sure its love
like the firework it fades
and you then are sure as before
alone is a measurement of strength

then the second and third
like plastic deck furniture
bright on the day you bought it
but sunshine and rainstorms
make it fade
you don't remember the time you used it last
but the sun felt nice
warmed your face
you can remember your shirt off
or was it hers?
it was certainly hers
or hers
no one seems to be able to remember
either way you ended up
alone in that sunshine
which still warmed your face
smiles and wrinkle lines

then came lightning strikes
you were older and
Ben Franklin wasn't the only man
in history that flew his kite
to understand something
humans still haven't mastered
some hurt and some
left your hair on end
sitting up in the morning
asking for round two
three and four
but you realize they aren't with you
they end up leaving in the morning
like it was nothing

after thunderstorms
comes
her
shes better
she isn't lawn furniture
or the first one to stroll through  
shes this magical creature
where you want her to be the last one
she
proves Ibsen wrong
so very very wrong
your heart is opened
the depths of soul dance across page
your fingers grace her face
and your very life force jumps from you to her
shes different
you don't have to do her the same
you have to do right by her

candle dinners
gifts with undertones
that there is more to come
there is a life to come
there is a life with someone
besides yourself
there is a life with her
and she has made it
where you are incomplete
when she isn't around

where and when justice is done
all the sun has faded and grey moonscape
reflects faint shadows
is more or less
the 15th time
i have thought of you today
i welcome it
i want it
i wish it more
you are my world and i wish to keep
all the important moments
with you
i want to whisper the things i
worried about previously
they are real and you can keep them
i never bother to lock my doors anymore
you can keep anything i have of value
you've stolen me
caught me
and i am happy
happy you are with me now and later
in all the world i only fear
losing you
but this is where and when justice is done
lawyers and judges do their job well
not to say they can keep me from you
or they are an enemy
they do their job well
and there is power in ink
dark spotted conversations fire starter
lint form a dryer
all goes up so quickly and the damage is all but irreversible
in short don't burn me but keep our fire
our love won't fall into birthday candle blow out
it will be a lighthouse
keeping our warships in the harbor
sailing out together
always winding up
back in port
keep these promises and may they be wind in your sails
yours forever and always

smokeless tobacco lipstick
ice cream flavored wedding rings
metallic ball over bearing relationships
45 caliber  wrist watching sunsets
blank minds and blank checks
do the same damage

flat footed or flat faced
drunk on a living room floor
haven't been in the shower yet this
morning wood awkward 45 second beer ****
bright yellow sun
smelling the sound and feeling everything you see
white girls didn't have
anything on me
last night
i will ever do that again
unless
fireball
**** whiskey
and i thought
changing the shelf style
refining taste
would keep my sipping
to a minimum
it just made my hangover cost
more of the nights like that

its an iconic irony
small town big breasted beauty
seeking out the shining lights
till she gets blind sided
wicked men
with confetti filled pockets
all white
gets you looking for the types of bars that look the other way
so you can breath again
inhale
inhale
inhale
it sounds better than snort
and you are happy to have any sort of justification
life got tough
banged you up
hard
more than once
because wheres the humor in letting you get on your feet
just as you and I are
they is
**** grammar
you understand the twists of my lips
not because they have been pressed onto yours
but because  they have spoken truth
they have served a light house
you still ran a ground
your ship sunk before it sank
into you heart
i will be your anchor
i will
hold you down
i will be your compass
i will
guide you home

i am away and away and more or less far away
but these places aren't space between us

we wet weather humidity cling to one another
cooling off in the shade of our shadows
swimming in a soul river
never coming up for air
a loving drowning

the space between us never grows
there are no lies
there are no secrets

although i can never read or write those statements
while keeping s straight face

quite hands and quite hearts
sit on a train together
hand says to heart
you're sitting close to me today
i could reach out and hold you
heart said back
your sight is failing
i am much to far to reach
and i am strong enough to stand on my own

i often wonder what happened next

people what to say time chained feelings
pouring out love dipped strawberries
idle hands are like the idle hearts
warming the night storm in the morning
breaking ice sheets like small talk and conversation
and yeah you sensed the hesitation
plan b fallowed by plan e or f
we can talk about the sky
if its really raining then we can stay in
as long as eyes don't start leaking
from the floorboard breaking
either way we will be drowning
letting scary monsters from the basement
see straight to the attic
cobweb covered dreams above us
long forgotten when we jumped pin picks
or pin holes
i forget what you call them
no you can't smoke my lucky

you're losing interest and i can see that its making you sick
jumping through flames burning group
small tiger paws pattering on the floor after me
hissing killing and waiting to get older
just like i was
waiting to steal your heart away from you
gentle hand squeezing between your ribs

i should have made space
i should have chainsawed your letters open
ink flight and destruction of expression
i was ready to tell you
that i would sit out under the stars
wait with you until we saw every last one shoot across the sky

but i don't think you care
rip at me
tell me what you're thinking
at least let me see the tones of your body
that are the crayon that nobody uses

i gave you mine with no expectation of getting it back
you didn't disappoint
its not a million pieces
i can fit it back together
quite nicely
for the next one
because i know you're already done

i will never be skull crushed in a white powder prison
im free chicken passed out to the home seeking
because home is just where you put your ****
forget about where my heart is
its been sliced melted and reforged
flames that lick to the center of a tootsie pop
making the blood boil so the candy coating bursts of an inside
less than visually appealing is how i view my skeletal structure
didn't stop it from poking out when i jumped from your window

keep your friends close and enemies at a distance
because regardless the season of life no other purpose not dipped in deviousness
gives rise to rational of keeping the damage in arms reach
its not unlike the scissor strokes dancing a tap show on the wrist
i just never saw a reason to it
then again i can't see life like you do

my eyes get stuck on the things i see beauty in
which is mostly this new girl
sometimes the scenery  
then these flashes of a easy time
regardless
my irreverence stems from deep inadequacies
beg the question to forget the answer
and to the east i walk
lets find a way

I'm committed to being uncommitted
Unfaithful and impulsive
I'm going  behind your back
because she lets me hit it that way
You wouldn't
You said
"I'm waiting but I want you"
So I took you
made you
broke you down to be like all the rest
just to take you off your horse
because riding me
made you walk around on our level
I though You'd stay here
live here
roll in the mud
actually let you body get *****
because we did
now look at You
so quick to saddle up
and look back down
at least I know
what you look like on top of me
but just so you know
you ride the horse better

well!
hearing your apology tomorrow
won't be as good as my cup of coffee

I'm no stranger to being told
I need fixing

I say let the rust take me over
I can't feel it

Flight delays
slight in some ways
my train is derailed
no lie
I swear the tire was flat
there was traffic
and my foot is broken
no one can walk with a broken foot!

I know you want me there and I wish I could
but you in my bed still sounds so strange  

I swear I will be in shortly
(right after I visit another
one who I know won't wake up next to me
its better that way)

I heard you the first time
and I said don't wait up for me
I'll be there tomorrow
just let me grow some wings and I will fly there
just let me swallow burning coal and the rails will carry me
just let the traffic die down and I will be on the wheel
just let my foot heal and I will walk all thousand miles

I swear I will be in shortly
I'm coming right back to you
I need to make a few stops along the way
it won't take long
they never last
and I swear I will be in by morning
if not then in for lunch
if not then we can enjoy dinner
if not then I can squeeze in a night cap
I swear I will be in shortly

No ****
There I was...
Still drunk from the night before
swaying and floating to the bathroom

the anticipation
the feeling of fire rising from my stomach
then
Sweet release
and again
Fire
Relief

The repetition
three or four days in a row now
seems so masochistic

but

its where I hide
Its where I am safe
Safe from feeling how I did with you

I figure if my head is pounding harder than my heart
I can drive you out
Cast you out
Keep you out

Water
Coffee
some eggs
aspirin  
on with the day

If it worked the first time
I don't think I would keep pouring fire into me

but as the day is fading
I need to be set ablaze

I will
keep you out
push you out
cast you out

Haven't shaved in five days
my breath still smells like the beer from last night
many times I've been in this place

the *** wasn't anything mind blowing
the closeness was
I remember being there with you

so here now I sit
lighting a smoke
wearing sunglasses indoors
not because of the hangover

my eyes show it
the vulnerable
little boy

so I chose to sit here
hiding that place from you

I'm sick of sad teenage girls
crying out
"I've been used"
"I've been had"
"He lied"
"I was never loved"

Fear not sad teenage girls
it is clear what happened
the castle you keep your heart in was stormed
and
that tiny little princess that knew no evil
lowered her drawbridge

So, may I say?
Let it go
Mistakes will be made
That little princess can still grow
because she now knows
some are evil
dastardly
deceptive
all for the lowering of that drawbridge

Gard that castle well sad teenage girl
and never again will you know the selfish deeds
of some "Prince Charming" mounted on a less than noble steed

the sad will fade and trust can be fostered
just make sure he isn't an imposter
accept the past
because life is more than your love last
move onward
smile
Or, he might pass by
as if he were just another guy

So I say to you sad teenage girls
This too shall pass

in the meantime,
take your
melodramatic
self-absorbed
excuses
and toss them away
move onward to bigger and better things
because you are beautiful
strong and empowered

move on teenage girl
concern yourself with life
so later
if you choose to be a wife
she will not have to feel
like that sad teenage girl
lowering her drawbridge

When I said "I love you"
and you said "I love you too"
our hearts were sledgehammers
swinging at one another

Take your heart out of your chest
and put it in your pocket

It's much safer there