it happened and my heart quickened
and I want you to feel pain as I did
but for the reasons
I felt it

someone was supposed to say sorry

but I only did what was set to be done

what was to be proven


I didn't know what I meant to do
particularly when it came to you
and how we seemed to dance around
without taking waltz lessons willingly

crushed toes and partly salvaged emotions

I had no intention of proof

by god that's all I wanted from you

some sort of pulse
anything to tell me what
I was seeing was worth beliving

but there is
no bar to high jump over


apathetic occupation where it didn't belong


but it stands to no more reason

what was to be shown

is what had to be done

QED

its too late for coffee and too early for *****

the destruction in me says start the *****

and the destruction in me says brew some coffee

laying there thinking my world is shrinking

and hoping i could just for a second be with you again

in an honest way

not how we were or how we are to say too many words too shortly



that is the secret we share


we have the heart inside of us

that makes use of all the matter we are made of

and i know that the type of heart we have
love and hate differently

we wiggle and hope there is rational
we strain for some sort of situation where everything falls into place

but when it hurts its almost to much to bear

because its everything and its honest

and the lies are the easy part of us

its the drizzle and rain that makes us wonder why we missed on something that should have or could have

at least that's how it is for me and i cant speak for you
sadly that is something we really do have in common

i really was hoping that you were going to stand up and shout at some point but

it was just that smile

just that smile

and some days its all i need
but how it hurts



all i know is whatever happens, happened

the fact of the matter
the wrong thing never feels right

because you've been here before

which should prove
that rings are inconsequential
malice is not the genius of what you wanted her to be

they say you cant have your cake and eat it too
the royal they are right

you get married
white dress
and shes beautiful

when she falls out of love
and ends up
in my house
in my bed
in my life
******* everything up for me

making me wish
i could have her
make better choices

that ended up with

me and her in the first place
not sneaking in silver
while current bronze

former gold

who won on a technicality

sits at home
hoping she doesn't fall in love with me

well.

she did.

but so did i.

i hope you get into medical school
so all i have to do is eat an apple everyday

i hope you always have money to buy extra bread-sticks
but never the self control stop eating them

i hope your 15 seconds of fame falls on daylight savings

i hope you never avoid movie or tv spoilers  

i hope your children are loved and cared for
but have their hearts broken by mine

i hope you always anticipate a surprise birthday party

i hope you always wake well rested
3 hours late for work

i hope you dance in the metaphoric rain
and catch metaphoric pneumonia

i hope your next thanksgiving is spent in an airport

i hope you are mildly inconvenienced every morning

i hope all your book pages stick together

i hope that you always will question if you left your oven on

i hope your future roommates always use all the hot water

i hope you always find the words to say
but never the right time to say them

i hope you never figure out how to pick a ripe avocado

i hope all your dinners are directly impacted
by the fickle nature of a toaster oven

i hope your curiosity gets the better of you
and you find out what cat food tastes like

i hope your favorite band breaks up
and you miss their kick *** reunion tour

i hope you watch an unhealthy amount of daytime tv

i hope you outlive me on the off chance that your paper boy will miraculously skip your house on the day my obituary is printed
because nothing would make my ghost happier to know
that you were forced to find out after  literally everyone else that
i passed away in my sleep surrounded by people who loved me
while you sat in your house old grey never thinking of me until you
read some 50 words in a newspaper and even if its for a second i want you to wonder what kind of life i had because you will have had no part in it.

we never stood a chance against our dead in the headlight blindsiding backwards way of living

coffee cups and arbitrary laughter

i never liked living room company
i prefer the horses
never take a shoe off and stand when you're able

my name is Andrew and I like fist fights and burnt marshmallows
piles of winter headwinds and snow drifts that don't numb your ankle
hard work with no shirt and two day stubble
a few beers at night but not enough to hurt it
i've never been one for hangovers
i like crescent wrenches that fit perfectly
the pop of a difficult pickle jar and the inedible satisfaction after
i like my friends and thereafter
i'm not keen on others who want that circle larger
back squats and knee wraps
jello shots that don't cost me a dime
i do what i want and want what i do
i will live my life upon my dreams
and i don't have any regrets

what alone used to mean

you start off thinking Ibsen and Bukowski
by second order effect
were right
being alone is a measure of strength
and in your own world
no weight
no body is stronger than yours
then the first one comes along

she
well
she is fast
its a firework
in a heart frame
she paints a picture
drop
whistle
boom
her hands end up down your pants
under a blanket
hoping your parents don't walk down stairs
basement touching
turns into basement loving
awkward fumbling
inhale
shes in pain
you don't know what you're doing
but you're sure its love
like the firework it fades
and you then are sure as before
alone is a measurement of strength

then the second and third
like plastic deck furniture
bright on the day you bought it
but sunshine and rainstorms
make it fade
you don't remember the time you used it last
but the sun felt nice
warmed your face
you can remember your shirt off
or was it hers?
it was certainly hers
or hers
no one seems to be able to remember
either way you ended up
alone in that sunshine
which still warmed your face
smiles and wrinkle lines

then came lightning strikes
you were older and
Ben Franklin wasn't the only man
in history that flew his kite
to understand something
humans still haven't mastered
some hurt and some
left your hair on end
sitting up in the morning
asking for round two
three and four
but you realize they aren't with you
they end up leaving in the morning
like it was nothing

after thunderstorms
comes
her
shes better
she isn't lawn furniture
or the first one to stroll through  
shes this magical creature
where you want her to be the last one
she
proves Ibsen wrong
so very very wrong
your heart is opened
the depths of soul dance across page
your fingers grace her face
and your very life force jumps from you to her
shes different
you don't have to do her the same
you have to do right by her

candle dinners
gifts with undertones
that there is more to come
there is a life to come
there is a life with someone
besides yourself
there is a life with her
and she has made it
where you are incomplete
when she isn't around

where and when justice is done
all the sun has faded and grey moonscape
reflects faint shadows
is more or less
the 15th time
i have thought of you today
i welcome it
i want it
i wish it more
you are my world and i wish to keep
all the important moments
with you
i want to whisper the things i
worried about previously
they are real and you can keep them
i never bother to lock my doors anymore
you can keep anything i have of value
you've stolen me
caught me
and i am happy
happy you are with me now and later
in all the world i only fear
losing you
but this is where and when justice is done
lawyers and judges do their job well
not to say they can keep me from you
or they are an enemy
they do their job well
and there is power in ink
dark spotted conversations fire starter
lint form a dryer
all goes up so quickly and the damage is all but irreversible
in short don't burn me but keep our fire
our love won't fall into birthday candle blow out
it will be a lighthouse
keeping our warships in the harbor
sailing out together
always winding up
back in port
keep these promises and may they be wind in your sails
yours forever and always